Patr Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I just wanted to ask a question. Would you take him/her back if they had slept with someone else during the time apart? Or have you taken her/him back before? If so, how did you deal with it?
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I just wanted to ask a question. Would you take him/her back if they had slept with someone else during the time apart? Or have you taken her/him back before? If so, how did you deal with it? definitely not! and while people here advocate complete 100% NC, so do I, if I ever got a breadcrumb or anything from some exes I would bluntly ask them "have you f####d any guys since I last you?" and if they answered yes I would immediately just hang up on them and cease communication with them
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 For some reason.. I think it depends if I dumped him or he did. If he did, I won't take him back.. but if I did the dumping, it won't be fair for me to get angry at him.
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 For some reason.. I think it depends if I dumped him or he did. If he did, I won't take him back.. but if I did the dumping, it won't be fair for me to get angry at him. I never understood how ANYONE can be friends or acquaintances with someone who dumped them, just knowing they are now sleeping with and having sex with someone else, they are doing to someone else all the things they used to do to you. I could not have even five seconds for someone like that. that is why my approach is so different to most people here, I often read things on here like: "bumped into my ex at a party after a year of NC, we chatted for ten minutes and cleared the air, it was nice" and "saw my ex at the gym and she apologised for saying nasty things to me, I told her I accept her apology, it was nice to come to peace with her" and so on... I would NEVER do something like that. just knowing they are with someone else means they are dead to me. if I see them in public I will try my absolute hardest to avoid them but if they approach me and start trying to talk to me I will outright say to their face "don't speak to me!" and then walk away. I dont care if this is rude, immature, makes it looks like I am not over them, and so on... the moment they dumped me they became dead to me.
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I never understood how ANYONE can be friends or acquaintances with someone who dumped them, just knowing they are now sleeping with and having sex with someone else, they are doing to someone else all the things they used to do to you. I could not have even five seconds for someone like that. that is why my approach is so different to most people here, I often read things on here like: "bumped into my ex at a party after a year of NC, we chatted for ten minutes and cleared the air, it was nice" and "saw my ex at the gym and she apologised for saying nasty things to me, I told her I accept her apology, it was nice to come to peace with her" and so on... I would NEVER do something like that. just knowing they are with someone else means they are dead to me. if I see them in public I will try my absolute hardest to avoid them but if they approach me and start trying to talk to me I will outright say to their face "don't speak to me!" and then walk away. I dont care if this is rude, immature, makes it looks like I am not over them, and so on... the moment they dumped me they became dead to me. Oh. :confused: Well, it could be a gender thing. I'm not sure.. but as a woman, I actually expect guys to start banging other chicks after the breakup. I guess the same rules do not apply to women, I can see why if you are a male, it'll be hard for you to accept that. (i might have open a can of worms on this topic).
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Oh. :confused: Well, it could be a gender thing. I'm not sure.. but as a woman, I actually expect guys to start banging other chicks after the breakup. I guess the same rules do not apply to women, I can see why if you are a male, it'll be hard for you to accept that. (i might have open a can of worms on this topic). yeah men and women get over breakups differently, and see things in different perspectives, and time can also change your perspective on things. People have said I am very very harsh but I was bullied as a child and I take a huge aversion to people bullying or trying to manipulate me - I wont tolerate it AT ALL! For example, I have not spoken a single word to my grandmother since 2002. in 2002 she did something horrible to me and I made it clear to her at the time that if she went through with it then it was over between us, I would never speak another word to her again, absolutely no second chances. she said okay, then did it anyway. then predictably about a month later I got a letter from her begging for forgiveness, saying she was so sorry and could I please find it in my heart to forgive her. I did not respond to that letter - nor did I respond to the two or three letters I still get from her a year begging me to talk to her again. I told her on the day the consequences of her actions and she did it, so now she has to live with the consequences. I am like that with exes as well. they have every right to dump me, but if they go and hook up with some other guy they are absolutely delusional if they think I have even one moment for them!
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I generally don't go backwards. If the stuff that broke us up has been fixed, I suppose a reconciliation wold be possible but that rarely happens. Assuming it did, it's unfair to punish somebody for doing something they had every right to do. That said, it would also depend on who they slept with -- if it was the person who was a thorn in my side during the relationship, no.
Itspointless Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Oh. :confused: Well, it could be a gender thing. I'm not sure.. but as a woman, I actually expect guys to start banging other chicks after the breakup. I guess the same rules do not apply to women, I can see why if you are a male, it'll be hard for you to accept that. (i might have open a can of worms on this topic). Ordinaryday his stance has nothing to do with gender. By the way 'gender' is the name for social constructs that are applied for the sexes. My guess to the original question is that it depends on time. Having said that as a non-religious guy sex is for me something special. I think I would find it hard to know that something happened with another person.
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My comment was following on what I said earlier about me taking the ex back if he slept with someone during the breakup but I understand why OrdinaryDay won't.. maybe because he's male and i'm female so perhaps that affected our different views. Also another factor that will affect me is if I"m dumped or I am the dumper to the level of my forgiveness.
central Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It would depend on who dumped who, or if it was a mutual break, why it happened, and for how long. Usually, there would be little or no chance of getting back together, but it really would depend on the circumstances and reasons. Also, from what I've seen when a breakup happens, it's the woman who quickly sleeps with another man., It's usually the women initiating a breakup to facilitate sleeping with another man they've already met. Of course men do the same, but not as often. When a break (not necessarily a complete breakUP) is agreed, it's usually the woman who finds another man quickly, even if she eventually wants to resume the original relationship. 1
Sad26 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My ex gf slept a week after agreeing to take a break but not sleep with others. She told me 6 months later, I was disappointed but accepted her. However the thought of being cheated never left my mind and a week later we broke up. You will never get the trust back.
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It would depend on who dumped who, or if it was a mutual break, why it happened, and for how long. Usually, there would be little or no chance of getting back together, but it really would depend on the circumstances and reasons. Also, from what I've seen when a breakup happens, it's the woman who quickly sleeps with another man., It's usually the women initiating a breakup to facilitate sleeping with another man they've already met. Of course men do the same, but not as often. When a break (not necessarily a complete breakUP) is agreed, it's usually the woman who finds another man quickly, even if she eventually wants to resume the original relationship. Really? I must be losing my touch.. still not tempted to sleep around at the moment nor have found anyone I'm romantically interested in at all.
Kopite Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 yeah men and women get over breakups differently, and see things in different perspectives, and time can also change your perspective on things. People have said I am very very harsh but I was bullied as a child and I take a huge aversion to people bullying or trying to manipulate me - I wont tolerate it AT ALL! For example, I have not spoken a single word to my grandmother since 2002. in 2002 she did something horrible to me and I made it clear to her at the time that if she went through with it then it was over between us, I would never speak another word to her again, absolutely no second chances. she said okay, then did it anyway. then predictably about a month later I got a letter from her begging for forgiveness, saying she was so sorry and could I please find it in my heart to forgive her. I did not respond to that letter - nor did I respond to the two or three letters I still get from her a year begging me to talk to her again. I told her on the day the consequences of her actions and she did it, so now she has to live with the consequences. I am like that with exes as well. they have every right to dump me, but if they go and hook up with some other guy they are absolutely delusional if they think I have even one moment for them! Must be hard to do what you do with all that built up anger and bitterness. Forgiveness will sometimes help you more than the person you are forgiving. 1
orangetree Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Last year I took back my ex after he banged another chick (he had an affair with her for a month or a bit more), but only because I didn't know about it. He came crawling back to me telling me he loves me and that he had done a lot of thinking bla bla. Later I found out he was with that other girl and when I confronted him he even tried to lie about it, but in the end he confessed it. If I knew that before I wouldn't have taken him back.
erklat Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I already grew to hate her and I would probably emotionally torture her to the end of time and back. It would be very toxic relationship. So I agree with the Ordinary the most.
Kid_Charlemange Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Would you take him/her back if they had slept with someone else during the time apart? Absolutely. Edited July 7, 2014 by Kid_Charlemange
Ordinaryday Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Must be hard to do what you do with all that built up anger and bitterness. Forgiveness will sometimes help you more than the person you are forgiving. ah but yeah, goes both ways - when someone dumps you they are effecitvely saying that all your problems are too much and they refuse to even try to move past them, they are basically saying that they dont forgive you for your perceived sins in the relationship - and even if they say they 'forgive' you it is not enough for them to give you another chance! so yeah, goes both ways! 1
toolforgrowth Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 If the entire purpose of the breakup was to sleep with someone else, absolutely not. My ex wife learned that the hard way. If the breakup was simply due to other issues that caused the relationship to fall apart, then it's possible. When a relationship ends, neither party has any say over what the other person does. I couldn't hold it against a person who lived their life without me at that point. Heck, that's what I'm doing, and all my exes be damned if they have an issue with it. What would really matter to me is if they fixed their issues or not. A repeat breakup is something I don't care to experience again. 3
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