Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I think he's a child emotionally. And yeah, full of ****e generally. I just need to process all of it. 1
Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Keenly: do you tell this to the ladies? I am falling for you, I am so into you, guess who loves you, if we are together in 20 years blahblahblah ......then go on line search for another one? If I tell something like this to a woman it's because you don't give a heck to who else is online right? Your asking me? Okay, but first I have to give the disclaimer about me. Everything I ever get excited about blows up in my face. Without fail. Its been this way my whole life. Couple this with my personality trait of being a forward thinker and always planning ahead, and you get exactly what this guy is doing. Just because he's online doesn't mean he doesn't like her. I would still go online with a girl I 100% wanted as my girlfriend until we established exclusivity. I'd do this because I'm used to these situations fizzling out and going no where. However, of the talk came up, I'd gladly get rid of the profiles. 1
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Your asking me? Okay, but first I have to give the disclaimer about me. Everything I ever get excited about blows up in my face. Without fail. Its been this way my whole life. Couple this with my personality trait of being a forward thinker and always planning ahead, and you get exactly what this guy is doing. Just because he's online doesn't mean he doesn't like her. I would still go online with a girl I 100% wanted as my girlfriend until we established exclusivity. I'd do this because I'm used to these situations fizzling out and going no where. However, of the talk came up, I'd gladly get rid of the profiles. Yes I was asking you because you sound like a man with a good head on his shoulders, good common sense, very logic and grounded. But you half answered my question. My question was would you 'heavily romance a woman then go online'? I understand we go online sometimes even if we met someone wonderful because because nothing has been secured and we're used of it blowing up in our face, I am with you there BUT, here we have a man who declares his full blown infatuation to OP then goes back online. 1
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 He didn't declare a full blown infatuation. He probably just told her what she wanted to hear. I've "gone out" with people and ventured back online. Until anything clear is established, nothing is out of bounds. I'd be very fearful of something who threw around the "L" word so easily in the first month though. That would scare me much more than anything else... 1
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 hmmmmmm, well see i stand by my original advice. your gut was telling you that you were getting contradictory messages from this guy. I'm always weary of the ones that come out way over the top!!!! It's either not genuine, not based in reality or they are desperate losers who i am too good for. Sorry it's the truth. It's like bad acting. Anyway, I don't think it's a crime to see that he still is active on the site within the last 24 hours or whatever since you are not exclusive yet--who knows he could just be seeing who's interested, having an ego boost, letting some girl down gently. But the fact that he happened to be on there the very random moment you checked is not a good sign. Coincidence? I think not. I think it means he's constantly trolling that site for more and more girls. Why in world would you want to pin him down? To be 100% fair, I think if you meet anyone you just have to assume they are still doing this until you are exclusive. And I think it's fine for each person to let the cream rise to the top. Meaning if you're the one for him, it will happen. If you talk to many cool guys, this is EXACTLY how they are with the girl they love. Were dating several and one girl just stood out. Play it cool with this. It's fine and you should be doing the same thing!! However, your guy was saying things that were totally blowing smoke. Frankly without real intention behind it, that stuff is a turn off. Quality over Quantity. Real as opposed to fake. Also insulting that he thought you were naive enough to buy it. I would dump him because his actions don't match his words. Not because he was on the site. But when he says those over the top things and is not matching it in his actions he is one of two things: emotionally unstable or a player. Walk. Good luck 1
Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yes I was asking you because you sound like a man with a good head on his shoulders, good common sense, very logic and grounded. But you half answered my question. My question was would you 'heavily romance a woman then go online'? I understand we go online sometimes even if we met someone wonderful because because nothing has been secured and we're used of it blowing up in our face, I am with you there BUT, here we have a man who declares his full blown infatuation to OP then goes back online. This is a tough one to answer head on. I would heavily romance a woman and probably still end up online yes, but in my cast ( I can't speak for other men ) me going online would be strictly 100% habitual at that point and it wouldn't be because I was looking for some one else, but only because its part of my bored rotation. I grab my phone or I sit at my computer, and its Facebook, okcupid, email, news, love shack, repeat. I've been on those sites for so long that they have just integrated as part of my rotation So I wouldn't be looking no, its more to just check for messages ( I have no idea why I do this, because I quite literally never receive any messages without initiating a conversation, yet for some stupid reason I always check anyway ) So it basically all comes down to something that not a single person here can answer, and that is what are his motivations . He could be future taking and feeding you lines while looking for others, but he could also be feeling what you feel and signs in either out of habit, or because he pretty much expects OLD to fail, of experience has taught him that, and he doesn't want to put all of his eggs into one basket before he is 100% sure ( exclusivity talk ) that the basket isn't going to spontaneously catch fire and burn the emotional investment he prematurely made
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Okay, I took his phone call. Biggest thing that I AM LEARNING from this situation, and I think that's the important thing here - not whether or not this relationship is going to work, is this: BEING JEALOUS IS AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. I cannot "make" this guy like me more than other girls by hiding behind trees and checking up on him all the time. I can't make him like me more than that girl on his Facebook page or the sum total of all the girls online. We had a long talk and I think got some things out in the open that needed to be said. The fact is that BOTH of us were online and whereas I initially went online to stroke my ego a bit - look at what was "out there" so I didn't feel so much like I was in a situation I couldn't walk away from - because I had been feeling jealous and insecure about the Facebook nonsense. When I was on the site, I thought - I'm just going to see . . . and then all went to hell. Thing is - I'm quite confident this man likes me - a LOT. I mean, seriously, he looks at me like I'm Jesus or something. He's met some of my friends and they confirm. He does say a lot of beautiful things in the moment, but he knows and I know that we've only been together a month and those things he's saying are just spontaneous expressions. The problems here are things that may be overcome - he has a need to be reassured a lot and so do I, but I can deal with that - at this point anyway. I think the big issue here is that falling for someone is scary, especially in the early stages when you have not label for what you are. What I'm going to do for now at least is just let go of any illusions of control I might have over him. I can control only myself. How he treats me is what's important to me right now. We'll have the exclusivity talk when we get to it - when we are both sure.
Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 If you can tell by the way he looks at you, then don't let the irrational side of your brain overpower that feeling. Just roll with it.
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 This is a tough one to answer head on. I would heavily romance a woman and probably still end up online yes, but in my cast ( I can't speak for other men ) me going online would be strictly 100% habitual at that point and it wouldn't be because I was looking for some one else, but only because its part of my bored rotation. I grab my phone or I sit at my computer, and its Facebook, okcupid, email, news, love shack, repeat. I've been on those sites for so long that they have just integrated as part of my rotation So I wouldn't be looking no, its more to just check for messages ( I have no idea why I do this, because I quite literally never receive any messages without initiating a conversation, yet for some stupid reason I always check anyway ) This is basically what he said - the app is on his phone and he habitually checks it.
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Well people, if you like someone just get the heck off of online !!! At some point you've got to understand that there will always be someone better, you've got to stop your choice on someone and concentrate on that someone. I am a heavy online dater and I have NO problem deleting these profiles when I meet someone interesting because I can create a new on with just one click ! if he fades away. I don't understand the appeal of being online while you have been on 5-6-7 + dates with someone. I cannot wait for the day I can delete these profile permanently and never ever go back again. 2
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I really love you guys :love: (I mean I know we barely know each other and all . . . ) 1
SmartDude Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Biggest thing that I AM LEARNING from this situation, and I think that's the important thing here - not whether or not this relationship is going to work, is this: BEING JEALOUS IS AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. I cannot "make" this guy like me more than other girls by hiding behind trees and checking up on him all the time. I can't make him like me more than that girl on his Facebook page or the sum total of all the girls online. /QUOTE] Wonderful! I don't think others are giving you enough credit here. Just because you are experiencing and exploring a poisonous emotion like jealousy, does not mean you will be consumed by it. You are growing through this and changing. I have had perhaps similar(but not the same!) problems in the past as you are having now. If I even saw someone I had a crush on holding hands with someone else, as friends, I was devastated and would stop pursuing them lol! The cure that I found useful for this situation is unconditional love: You come to realize that this other person may be scared, confused, hopeful, and feeling some of the same things that you are also feeling now. You realize and admit to yourself that YOU may not be the person that they will prefer to be with in the future. Really come to terms with that and be ok with it! You develop respect for other people's right to choose based on what they feel and what they want in life.
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I really love you guys :love: (I mean I know we barely know each other and all . . . ) Yeah, I definitely agree about the jealousy part. Keenly does have a point about the app just being a part of a habit, a technology rotation. The other part i'm sure you will figure out in due time. I think the best conclusion you have come to is that you don't need to pin him down right now. Let's see what he has to truly offer. Good luck
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 The cure that I found useful for this situation is unconditional love: You come to realize that this other person may be scared, confused, hopeful, and feeling some of the same things that you are also feeling now. You realize and admit to yourself that YOU may not be the person that they will prefer to be with in the future. Really come to terms with that and be ok with it! You develop respect for other people's right to choose based on what they feel and what they want in life. I truly believe that things turn out the way they should - and everyone you meet has a lesson to teach you. I sincerely doubt (at this point) this guy is The One, but I'm willing to see where things go. Unconditional love is a beautiful way to put it - although I think that should be qualified to a point. So many people believe love is self-sacrifice. Unconditional love alongside personal boundaries - kind of like "I will be there for you as long as doing so does not hurt me or those I love, or compromise my values." 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The guy didn't do anything wrong. Has he broken some kind of rule? Establish exclusivity before placing the expectations of deleting profiles on some one. Its completely unrealistic to just expect them to do it, and then get mad when they don't. How many people here have gone through dozens of potential candidates on OLD? Did you delete your profile after every single one? Of course not. You are waiting for it to actually become something before you give up on your search for some one. Just because one cool person comes along does not mean you stop searching for your mate. Not until you establish exclusivity should the search stop. I can't tell you how many times I thought " finally, I found some one and I can delete my profile. " only to have that crash and burn and be left at square one again. If you want rules, lay some down. But don't keep silent and then expect the rules that he doesn't know about to be followed. But Keenly, look, I know a lot of people and know about a lot of other peoples relationships... When a man is REALLY into a girl, he never ACTIVELY looks elsewhere. If he is lukewarm and not smitten after a month he still looks elsewhere and actively considers asking girls on dates. This man CLAIMS to be smitten, he tells the op how into her he is! And yet he is still online after he told her he deleted his account! He LIED. He made out like he DID delete his profile, only to still actively be searching online on ANOTHER sight. No it is NOT WRONG to keep an active profile before exclusivity is established! It is WRONG to MISLEED the OP!
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The cure that I found useful for this situation is unconditional love: You come to realize that this other person may be scared, confused, hopeful, and feeling some of the same things that you are also feeling now. You realize and admit to yourself that YOU may not be the person that they will prefer to be with in the future. Really come to terms with that and be ok with it! You develop respect for other people's right to choose based on what they feel and what they want in life. I am sorry but I don't believe in romantic unconditional love, that's a one way ticket to an abusive relationship. My love is conditional, it's conditional to being respected and loved back. 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Waiting for you, :mad:this makes me really mad:mad: He totally misled you by acting like " wow I am so into you, I have deleted my profile and everything" .. only failing to mention he was still active but technically on ANOTHER site. What exactly do you think he was doing online? Having an innocent browse? Please leave this situation, this man is up to no good. His actions have not lined up with his words. DO NOT confront him. Simply say " I don't think we are a match but I really had a blast with you" He WILL try to con you if you broach the subject with him! " oh babe.... that old thing? I was just browsing old messages, I am soooooo into you remember:sick:" Sorry but when you get fireworks it is normally short lived, except in the minority of cases, it WILL still happen for you if you want fireworks opposed to a lukewarm start, it CAN happen just wait a little longer. This is way too good to be true as I suspected. Takes longer than that to get fireworks love, can take years, several years for fireworks to ever amount for anything. Most people end up with a slow burning style where no one is infatuated with each other to begin with and it takes time to get smitten with one another and the natural chemistry is mediocre at best. Stay calm, break it off with this liar and wait for the fireworks to happen again sometime in the future. The right guy WILL NOT have you coming on here all the time.
Phantom888 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Why are you overthinking this? Sounds like you are playing mind games or something. You two are sleeping together, and most decent men assume you are exclusive. If he is still playing the field after all this, then you shouldn't feel jealous...but rather, duped. Yes some men say things that women want to hear, and really have no intention of following through. Those are the ones you want to avoid. But there are genuinely sincere men who wear their hearts on their sleeves, and are very much commitment-minded. Don't filter out the good guys just because you are skeptical. A month isn't all that long. It takes time to build trust. If you are sleeping with the guy, it's a little too late to be super skeptical, since intimacy is the window to one's vulnerabilities (being naked, inside someone physically). So at this point, you are already acting like exclusive couples, so the exclusivity talk is almost unnecessary. Now you need to find out if this guy is on the same page as you. For me, if a woman is having sex with me on a regular basis, I would assume I have her already, regardless of what labeling people use. IMHO
firmness Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 w4u. I just started dating a woman about 6 months ago I met online. She is un-f$cking-believable. I have had a lifetime of amazing life experiences, so it is not like this is my first time out the gate. She really and truly rocks in every way. And a part of me is very afraid. I want her to be loyal to me (of which sexual fidelity is only a small part). I want her to love me as much as I do her. She gives me mixed signals. I posted in another thread about this and got mixed advice. The way I decided to leave it is this - I will forget about my past and ignore hers. I will not think about any future with her other than the next month or so. I will treat her every day as if it is our first week knowing each other. I can claim no right to anything with her. She has a life and the right to privacy and freedom - and so do I. But I am taking her seriously, just in case it does last. That means no juggling other women. No sex with other women. The OKC profile came down almost immediately when it felt right after the 2-3rd date. So we are playing it loose and easy. No expectation, no stress, no demands, and no promises. Isn't that the way it should be all the time though? Each partner staying with each other of their own free will? This means that you have to refrain from being an ass. This means that there is no marriage contract to hammer him with if you act poorly and force him to rethink. That means you have to build and MAINTAIN trust, respect, and intimacy. Damn. That sounds like hard work. But THAT is exactly the work you should be engaged in. The minute you start putting expectations in your head, is the moment you kill the beauty, the freedom and the natural desire to be around you. Do not compel what should come naturally. The more attractive, easy, chilled, and open you are with him, the more other women will look pathetic. This is the best you can do. If he cheats or leaves in the face of THIS much awesomeness from you, then so be it. Let him go. But at least you did not drive him to it by being a psycho insecure, demanding, bitchy jerkwad who wanted to "lock him down" or "force a commitment". Good luck! 1
SmartDude Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I am sorry but I don't believe in romantic unconditional love, that's a one way ticket to an abusive relationship. My love is conditional, it's conditional to being respected and loved back. HAHA no you misunderstood, And I am in complete agreement with you. Just putting the words "Love" and "Romance" together implies conditions already. 1
Phantom888 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Waiting4U: I apologize that I didn't read the entire thread before responding earlier. Sounds like there is a lot you need to learn about this man before falling for him. I commend you for keeping your wits together and being skeptical. However, right now he is getting free sex from you, which really gives him less of a reason to be exclusive with you. People make excuses like, "people can date anyone they want before they are exclusive." But the fact of the matter is, once you have sex with the person, you are exposing your vulnerabilities to this person, and much of the dating population assumes sex to be an act of exclusivity, unless otherwise disclosed. If he is dating other women while sleeping with you, he really isn't the type of man you want to continue a relationship with. I think you should let this one go, and find a man you can really trust. 1
Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 But Keenly, look, I know a lot of people and know about a lot of other peoples relationships... When a man is REALLY into a girl, he never ACTIVELY looks elsewhere. If he is lukewarm and not smitten after a month he still looks elsewhere and actively considers asking girls on dates. This man CLAIMS to be smitten, he tells the op how into her he is! And yet he is still online after he told her he deleted his account! He LIED. He made out like he DID delete his profile, only to still actively be searching online on ANOTHER sight. No it is NOT WRONG to keep an active profile before exclusivity is established! It is WRONG to MISLEED the OP! But you have to understand we don't know of he is looking or of this is habitual behavior. I still check rift, diablo 3, awesomenauts, and battlefield 3 forums. I haven't played any of those games in YEARS. But I still look... because its habit. 1
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Everyone relax, I haven't sold my soul to the devil or anything. :roll eyes: In the course of our conversation I said I was going to let go of being jealous and that I couldn't stop him from seeing other people and he had to make his own decision. So, I figured that means we are NOT exclusive but still in some sort of relationship. But then I just asked him if it was okay if I dated other people and he said NO. Not really fair.
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 But you have to understand we don't know of he is looking or of this is habitual behavior. I still check rift, diablo 3, awesomenauts, and battlefield 3 forums. I haven't played any of those games in YEARS. But I still look... because its habit. When you dated someone and you continued checking POF, okcupid, zoosk, badoo, match.com, well maybe that sent the wrong signal to that girl and all of her girlfriends and all of the people in her favorite forum told her to dump you.
Treasa Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 In the course of our conversation I said I was going to let go of being jealous and that I couldn't stop him from seeing other people and he had to make his own decision. So, I figured that means we are NOT exclusive but still in some sort of relationship. But then I just asked him if it was okay if I dated other people and he said NO. Not really fair. Why did you say this? It comes across as a little passive aggressive and insecure. If it were me, I would have made sure we were exclusive first before sleeping together, but I would also just ask, "Are you seeing anyone else? I'd like to know where we stand regarding dating others." And like hell would I ask someone if it was ok if I dated others right after telling them that I couldn't choose what they did. Sure, you can't make him stop dating others, but neither can he make you stop dating others. I think you just wanted him to show jealousy so you can reassure yourself that he wants you. I'm the same age you are, and I wouldn't be this serious about a guy after a month. In my younger days, sure. I've learned to be patient and let people show who they are. My concern is that he's really into you right now, but that may cut the honeymoon phase short. The candle that burns brightest and all that. Also, and this is just me, but if a man I barely knew made a reference to his dick and said, "Guess who loves you?" to me, I'd be so done with that relationship. God, what a turnoff.
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