Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 At this point I could care less whether or not I'm giving him "red flags." Alright well if you don't feel the need to take any of this seriously...
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 He lied to you. He said all the right things but they were all lies. You found him actively on other sites after he told you he took his profile down. A month may be too soon for you to demand that he take the profile down & for you to be exclusive but he volunteered all that & they were lies. I'd walk but that's me. 3
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Yes you are way overreacting. Being paranoid about this kind of stuff after only a month is man repellent. Instead of letting the relationship develop organically, you want control over it. That's a huge red flag to men. I'm suspicious because of his declarations. Granted, I'll admit that I didn't need to go poking around online. His actions have been legit and have backed up his words so far. He could seriously be just looking for an ego stroke with the online thing. My profile was active on the other site until he took his down. I thought it was the right thing to do considering. What I mean about not caring about the "red flags" at this stage is because a level of intimacy has been established between us and I'm not really worried about him forming an opinion about me. I know I'm a quality person and what I CANNOT control is his level of interest. And you're absolutely right that I can't control what he does with other people either. I don't think he's a liar. I think he believes what he is saying to me, in this moment. And I doubt he's actually following up on seeing other women thus far. I'm really torn on this one. He just flew out of town this morning, so I'll have most of the week to think about it. That said, if I admit that it was paranoid of me to go digging and disregard his blatant online trolling for other women, then I'm selling myself short I think. Part of me really doesn't want to walk away from this.
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 waiting4u, you sound more like "excuses4him". The fact that you already went back to check if he was online and did see him, is a clear testament to a shaky foundation this "relationship" is already on. VERY shaky. 2
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 waiting4u, you sound more like "excuses4him". The fact that you already went back to check if he was online and did see him, is a clear testament to a shaky foundation this "relationship" is already on. VERY shaky. I know. Thing is, I've been hurt in the past and I let this one in - I'm not real great at behaving well in relationships either.
xxoo Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Your interest should naturally take a huge dip after seeing him active on another site. It's a reality check: a snap out of fantasy. He's just a guy. He has yet to earn your excitement, your jealousy, and your genuine interest. Time will tell. Either he will be more or less interested in a relationship with you in a few weeks. If you are still interested in him, keep dating him....but CHILL! Let him reveal himself to you. Don't work him up in your mind to be a great catch until he shows that he is. 3
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I understand that, but appreciate the fact that you are finding all of this out in Month 1. It's one thing to still be actively looking on a site when you aren't exclusive, but if he said he was deleting it but is still actively looking... that's a whole other situation. 1
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Your interest should naturally take a huge dip after seeing him active on another site. It's a reality check: a snap out of fantasy. He's just a guy. He has yet to earn your excitement, your jealousy, and your genuine interest. Time will tell. Either he will be more or less interested in a relationship with you in a few weeks. If you are still interested in him, keep dating him....but CHILL! Let him reveal himself to you. Don't work him up in your mind to be a great catch until he shows that he is. This is good advice. And I should have just been patient to begin with. He may very well be a liar, but it's my behavior that's messed up right now. I should never have confronted him like that. I'm going to try and take a few deep breaths and just let things play out as they will. You can't control people and the thing about falling in love is letting go of that control. It's scary and most of the time it seems there's a 90% you will be hurt. I've got a lot to think about.
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Just slow down. Slow your roll when it comes to this relationship... You said he took a flight out... is this a partial LDR?
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Meh, I would be over this so fast as soon as I found out that there was an onliine profile he was actively using on another site. I'm with the people that say if he's really into you, he'll be asking you to be his girlfriend. Or at least openly and honestly stating 'I need a few more dates to figure out if I want to make it public to everyone else that we're starting a relationship but I'm not seeing anyone else and I'm really feeling that that's how this is going' with a time limit. This is why I don't have sex anymore with people I want relationships with until I am in a relationship with them. It's so much more painful going through all of this 'is this real? Where is this going? What's he thinking?' when you've been intimate and naked together. And this is from someone that happily has casual sex when it's with somebody I get on great with and find attractive but don't want a relationship with. In the future perhaps try that? The holding back on sex can help to protect some people and it can help to keep the pace of the relationship a bit slower. When you're not acting like a couple it's easier not to panic about being in one or not. Just date, kiss, get to know one another, until you decide if you want to be together or not. And then you save yourself a lot of heartache right? 3
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 No, it's not long distance. He's a builder with offices in other regions and he lives here but travels often. This is in part why my suspicions were high from the beginning. I'm starting to be a little ashamed of my actions. I've created a huge drama now. I should have just waited to see what unfolded.
mammasita Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 If a man makes you feel this way, and by "this way" I mean jealous, a bit obsessive, makes you question things.....then he is NOT the one for you. I went out a couple times with a guy who made me feel "this way"......after only two weeks. TOTAL player, Mr. reverse psychology undercover controller. We had awesome conversations, joked about any and everything......he was mr. attention seeker on line and only had female friends. That didn't jive well with me. I'm more low profile and if a man posts more on facebook than I do (and I don't post very often) I know we aren't a match. I say all that to say this.......follow your gut. Don't make excuses. If it doesn't feel right, don't force it and don't feel bad for speaking your mind for fear or "scaring him off". You and I are in the same age bracket.....no need to play games. We're either on the same page with a man or not. 2
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 ...says all sorts of nonsense - I'm falling for you, how do you feel about falling in love?, I'm so into you, I like you so much, Do you know how much I'm into you, blah blah, asks me if I like jewelry (I told him no jewelry, this is insane), even told me last time we were in bed together "guess who loves you" (I ignored this, he was naked). He is even throwing out these hypothetical "if we are together in 20 years I'm going to . . . " But you find him online on a dating site. Yea right! When the words don't match the action you eject. I am sorry, I am all for giving time to a relationship, I am all for letting a relationship develop 'organically' what ever that means, but a man having a speech like this then being online on a dating site is up to no good. If he had NOT said any of the above stuff I would say you jumped the gun, BUT the fact he tried to put you to sleep with his romance THEN goes online is indicative you are dating a RAT. 1
Diezel Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I don't know if I agree with using sex as emotional leverage. That could also potentially scare some good guys away. I just think emotionally you just don't buy in to what someone is saying in the very first month. I honestly don't think a real relationship fully begins to develop until it has passed its first trimester. I just think you fell for a REALLY smooth talker, W4U. It happens. 1
Keenly Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 The guy didn't do anything wrong. Has he broken some kind of rule? Establish exclusivity before placing the expectations of deleting profiles on some one. Its completely unrealistic to just expect them to do it, and then get mad when they don't. How many people here have gone through dozens of potential candidates on OLD? Did you delete your profile after every single one? Of course not. You are waiting for it to actually become something before you give up on your search for some one. Just because one cool person comes along does not mean you stop searching for your mate. Not until you establish exclusivity should the search stop. I can't tell you how many times I thought " finally, I found some one and I can delete my profile. " only to have that crash and burn and be left at square one again. If you want rules, lay some down. But don't keep silent and then expect the rules that he doesn't know about to be followed. 1
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Thing is - most of the time I feel really secure in it. Just last night I was saying "I've finally found a guy who is OBVIOUSLY into me - I don't have to wonder whether or not he likes me." He's always been blunt expressive rather than smooth expressive. I get texts throughout the day when I'm not with him like "watching a movie" or "about to take a shower" or "miss you" like I'm always on his mind. And when he's in town he wants to be with me 24/7 but I won't allow it. It's just right before he leaves town that I start to question it. Partly because text / telephone seems so false, and partly because I can't control it - or feel like I can't control my feelings or do anything about them when he's gone.
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Keenly: do you tell this to the ladies? I am falling for you, I am so into you, guess who loves you, if we are together in 20 years blahblahblah ......then go on line search for another one? If I tell something like this to a woman it's because you don't give a heck to who else is online right? 2
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 The guy didn't do anything wrong. Has he broken some kind of rule? Establish exclusivity before placing the expectations of deleting profiles on some one. Its completely unrealistic to just expect them to do it, and then get mad when they don't. How many people here have gone through dozens of potential candidates on OLD? Did you delete your profile after every single one? Of course not. You are waiting for it to actually become something before you give up on your search for some one. Just because one cool person comes along does not mean you stop searching for your mate. Not until you establish exclusivity should the search stop. I can't tell you how many times I thought " finally, I found some one and I can delete my profile. " only to have that crash and burn and be left at square one again. If you want rules, lay some down. But don't keep silent and then expect the rules that he doesn't know about to be followed. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like my snooping was absolutely ridiculous and confronting him immediately (as he's about to get on a plane) is ridiculous. I'm lacking in patience beyond belief when it comes to dating. I'm going to take a few steps back and see what he has to say.
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Keenly: do you tell this to the ladies? I am falling for you, I am so into you, guess who loves you, if we are together in 20 years blahblahblah ......then go on line search for another one? If I tell something like this to a woman it's because you don't give a heck to who else is online right? meh, he's impulsive. I took it all with a grain of salt.
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) meh, he's impulsive. I took it all with a grain of salt. You can take it with a grain of salt but pay attention to the ones that are impulsive with their words. How does that make for emotionally mature and stable? There's a lot more going on than just a bunch of words. Edited July 7, 2014 by Zahara 1
Emilia Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Meh, I would be over this so fast as soon as I found out that there was an onliine profile he was actively using on another site. I'm with the people that say if he's really into you, he'll be asking you to be his girlfriend. Or at least openly and honestly stating 'I need a few more dates to figure out if I want to make it public to everyone else that we're starting a relationship but I'm not seeing anyone else and I'm really feeling that that's how this is going' with a time limit. I think a guy will know pretty quickly how far he wants to take something with a woman. I don't agree with letting him have his cake and eat it any longer. 9 dates? If he doesn't know now, he never will. Personally, it was always clear after 5-6 dates with a man how much we liked each other and how much of it we wanted to give a go. 2
Gaeta Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Well, I was curious and went on another online dating site and checked for a profile using his specs - not only did he have an ACTIVE dating profile on that site, but he was ONLINE!!!!! I want to make excuses so bad. I confronted him and he says he's "crazy about me and what we have is real" and "It was a mistake" and blah blah. So why was he online? Yeah it was a mistake he got caught. When I am crazy about a man I don't go online. Do you?
Author waiting4u Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 So why was he online? Yeah it was a mistake he got caught. When I am crazy about a man I don't go online. Do you? Well uh I might have been online because I needed an ego boost - plus the Facebook stuff had me thinking I ought to expand my options a bit. But then I'm not telling people I LOVE them when I'm freaking in bed with them.
mammasita Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 meh, he's impulsive. I took it all with a grain of salt. I tend to not believe the words with they are thrown around so impulsively. It's like - did you even think this through? Well obviously not. So then you wonder if they really feel this way. Sure they feel that way in the moment......but that leads me to believe that they are "spark chasers". Always looking for the spark, the next best thing, the ones that don't understand that real love isn't always a "high". 1
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