Afraid to talk about exclusivity and JEALOUS

[waiting4u]

A bit of objectivity would help here. I'm feeling crazy vulnerable and jealous as all hell.

 

I suppose I'm falling in love / lust / idk wtf but it's sort of that whirlwind thing where you really like someone and they seem to really like you and you're talking / texting constantly and having to force yourself not to spend EVERY moment together because all you want to do is kiss or lie around in bed and do things to each other. Sounds lovely, yes? Uh, not so much.

 

It's literally been a month. 9 dates and we slept together on the third. Thank god he travels on business and we are forced to be apart sometimes or it would be worse. I've met some of his friends and it seems pretty serious. I'm trying to hold him at arms length but he is a talker - says all sorts of nonsense - I'm falling for you, how do you feel about falling in love?, I'm so into you, I like you so much, Do you know how much I'm into you, blah blah, asks me if I like jewelry (I told him no jewelry, this is insane), even told me last time we were in bed together "guess who loves you" (I ignored this, he was naked). He is even throwing out these hypothetical "if we are together in 20 years I'm going to . . . "

 

Now, all this talking is nice, but it has been a month and he's not my boyfriend yet. It seems like more time should be spent. I don't know what to call him right now. He is also crazy good-looking and a guy who likes to pursue. I'm taking it all in with a grain of salt and am trying to hold back, for obvious reasons. And I like him, so I'm scared to death and feel vulnerable. And jealous. Who else is he saying these things to?

 

He took down his online dating profile after we slept together, so I did the same. He says he's not sleeping with anyone else (I asked before we slept together the first time). If he's dating someone else then he's an incredible multi-tasker, because he's constantly in contact with me. Thing is - earlier this week there was a party that he was reluctant to take me to. I've met some of his friends, and he told his male friend (where I could obviously hear him) that he should call us and tell us if it was a good party and we would come, and also to tell him "if that girl ______ would be there." When I inquired, he said he was referring to a client's wife who had set him up with her friend, and he said he'd been on a couple dates with the girl.

 

I'm jealous. Thank you Facebook, you crap social media platform, but his profile says "single" as a relationship status (mine is hidden) and last night he reposted something from the girl's page. I also noticed he did shortly after he had called me and I didn't answer (I was napping), as if it was purposefully to make me jealous. He is rarely on Facebook. Rarely. What the heck?

 

If I talk about exclusivity right now, I'm laying my cards on the table, and I'm too scared to do that. I know he likes the chase and I don't want him to think he's caught me yet, particularly since apparently someone needs to keep their head about them. I told him I wouldn't feel comfortable with him sleeping with others and that I'm not either, so why do i feel the desire to tattoo MINE on his forehead. This sounds slightly unreasonable, I know. Why is he interacting with this girl? Am I just being insane?

[PegNosePete]

Yes you are being insane. You don't seem very good at communicating with this guy. Adult human beings should be able to talk about these things with each other. If he is "scared away" then obviously you were not well suited for each other.

 

(Wo)man up! Talk to him! Healthy relationships have a good level of communication between the partners. Problems are not caused by communication, but lack thereof. And your lack of communication is causing problems.

Edited July 7, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Gaeta]

- I'm falling for you, how do you feel about falling in love?, I'm so into you, I like you so much, Do you know how much I'm into you, blah blah, asks me if I like jewelry (I told him no jewelry, this is insane), even told me last time we were in bed together "guess who loves you" (I ignored this, he was naked). He is even throwing out these hypothetical "if we are together in 20 years I'm going to . . . "

 

That is worth absolutely nothing if it's not followed by 'I want to be exclusive with you'

 

It's written player all over him. Enjoy it for what it is now but my experience has taught me these men are flakes in love with love not with you.

[Leigh 87]

That is worth absolutely nothing if it's not followed by 'I want to be exclusive with you'

 

It's written player all over him. Enjoy it for what it is now but my experience has taught me these men are flakes in love with love not with you.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah I have had guys act this way towards me! I don't blame them given my killer smile

 

But yes. Turns out they WERENT that into me after all:D I mean if they were, they wouldn't have disappeared. Or they would have, you know. Stuck around and still been my boyfriends.....

 

Look, I am sure some of these men did feel the chemistry with me a great deal. But yeah that was all:rolleyes: Evidentially!

 

Be careful. It is rare a man is genuinely head over heals for you. I have had two men head over heals that was legit but I didn't feel the same way.

 

At age 27 it has only EVER been MUTUALLY reciprocated just once.

 

I hope this guy is legit but please continue to take it with a grain of salt! It is a huge red flag that his declarations of "being sooo into you" are NOT coupled with an " I want to be exclusive"

[waiting4u]

That is worth absolutely nothing if it's not followed by 'I want to be exclusive with you'

 

It's written player all over him. Enjoy it for what it is now but my experience has taught me these men are flakes in love with love not with you.

 

This is EXACTLY why I am hesitant. @Leigh - isn't a month into it too soon to ask this question?

[PegNosePete]

Who decides whether it's too soon or not? Do as you feel. You're not going to get any knocks on your door from the Relationship Police saying that you asked about exclusivity too soon here is your $50 fine and 3 points on your dating license.

[Gaeta]

This is EXACTLY why I am hesitant. @Leigh - isn't a month into it too soon to ask this question?

 

My last boyfriend asked me to be official on our 3rd date. When a man really wants you and is really swept by you he will lock you down asap.

[waiting4u]

Gaeta, he wants to spend EVERY night with me. I'm telling him "NO" half the time because he always wants to be with me. And he continually calls and texts. He has to out and out say "will you be my girlfriend" or he's a player? It doesn't seem quite so black and white to me.

 

My initial plan was just to wait it out and basically give an ultimatum after another month. Something like "are we on the same page with this or not?"

[Leigh 87]

This is EXACTLY why I am hesitant. @Leigh - isn't a month into it too soon to ask this question?

 

 

 

 

hahahahaa.

 

Well one of the men wanted to be my boyfriend instantly!

 

Current guy wanted to be exclusive after we first met also.

 

First guy was a dud second wasn't

 

 

 

Look, we all know that the instar chemistry that burns the brightest rarely stays that way. HOWEVER there are exceptions that are not THAT rare if you are okay looking and are a cute, sweet woman; both of which you seem!

 

You sort of remind myself. Just the way you date. I have a gut feeling it will be for real but I am not sure if your time has come yet, I hope so, I really do.

 

But I am sure you know the drill: this whirlwind romances with instant chemistry where you are both soooo into each other tend to crash and burn:lmao:

 

Enjoy it but given the statistics don't be shocked if he bails, turns out to be a moron or liar or disappears.

[Leigh 87]

Gaeta, he wants to spend EVERY night with me. I'm telling him "NO" half the time because he always wants to be with me. And he continually calls and texts. He has to out and out say "will you be my girlfriend" or he's a player? It doesn't seem quite so black and white to me.

 

My initial plan was just to wait it out and basically give an ultimatum after another month. Something like "are we on the same page with this or not?"

 

 

 

Good idea. Asking if we are on the same page sounds great.

 

But REMEMBER! If he DOESN"T say " yes we are definitely exclusive" then move on! NEXT him. Immediately.

[d0nnivain]

There are two schools of thought here.

 

One, don't have sex until you have established that you are in an exclusive relationship. Asking for it after sex is like shutting the barn door after the horse got out.

 

The other option is don't talk stuff to death. He's already told you he's not sleeping with anybody else. Why not believe him? He seems to be saying all the right things. Players stop saying them after they get sex so the fact that he's still talking is good. Since he is saying all this stuff I don't understand why you are unwilling to take the conversation a bit further & nail it down.

 

FB is illusory. Don't get hung up on what you read or see there.

 

As for the party even though he's dating you did you consider that he might be a good guy & not want to throw you in the face of the woman he had a few dates with but rejected for a relationship? Perhaps he already knows she's a drama queen & since she is a business colleague's wife's friend he prefered to a avoid a scene.

 

Also you don't know the call he didn't take wasn't from work, his mom or a telemarketer. You just assumed the worst.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, he wants to spend EVERY night with me. I'm telling him "NO" half the time because he always wants to be with me. And he continually calls and texts. He has to out and out say "will you be my girlfriend" or he's a player? It doesn't seem quite so black and white to me.

 

My initial plan was just to wait it out and basically give an ultimatum after another month. Something like "are we on the same page with this or not?"

 

Why doesn't he come up with exclusivity then?

 

ETA: He is a thrill seeker. He doesn't even know it himself. You are smarter though and should be aware of the signs. That is why you are on here, you know deep down something is off. A man with that kind of speech should make you his official girlfriend, yes with a talk about just seeing each other.

Edited July 7, 2014 by Gaeta

[waiting4u]

 

The other option is don't talk stuff to death. He's already told you he's not sleeping with anybody else. Why not believe him? He seems to be saying all the right things. Players stop saying them after they get sex so the fact that he's still talking is good. Since he is saying all this stuff I don't understand why you are unwilling to take the conversation a bit further & nail it down.

 

FB is illusory. Don't get hung up on what you read or see there.

 

As for the party even though he's dating you did you consider that he might be a good guy & not want to throw you in the face of the woman he had a few dates with but rejected for a relationship? Perhaps he already knows she's a drama queen & since she is a business colleague's wife's friend he prefered to a avoid a scene.

 

I'm inclined to lean this way - being inside the situation and all. I think his intentions are good. And he TOOK HIS ONLINE DATING PROFILE DOWN AND TOLD ME HE ISN'T SEEING ANYONE ELSE. Plus, the man wouldn't have a spare minute of time to sleep with other girls with all the time he gives me. He's more blunt than smooth. He says a lot of stupid thing sometimes. Talk talk talk all the time.

 

@Gaeta, he IS a thrill-seeker. The thing that is "off" is exactly that. And I am taking his neediness and emotional declarations with a grain of salt. I'm trying to pace things properly because he's not. Thing is, my gut feeling is that he really likes me. And the way he sits around staring at me and the way he follows up his words with actions makes me think he's genuine RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to ditch something potentially good because there isn't a label on it after a month. I think the advice I'm looking for is NOT whether or not he's genuine - time will tell - but rather how am I supposed to pace this in a rational manner, given the "horse is out of the gate" already, so to speak.

 

I guess what I'm saying here is do I need to squash my impulse to ask him to define this right now? We've danced around the topic - I think he knows he's being silly and moving too fast - and at what point is it rational to say "define this OR ELSE I'm done."

[d0nnivain]

I guess what I'm saying here is do I need to squash my impulse to ask him to define this right now? We've danced around the topic - I think he knows he's being silly and moving too fast - and at what point is it rational to say "define this OR ELSE I'm done."

 

You talk about it when you can't take not talking about it any more . . . actually right before that because you have to be calm during the discussion. Ultimatums will blow up in your face.

[Gaeta]

How long he's been single?

[waiting4u]

How long he's been single?

 

2 years as far as I know, he doesn't talk about exes much.

[firmness]

What the holy hell! This advice you are getting is so, so bad. I am shocked. No wonder men and women have such a hard time.

 

Please W4U. Consider the following:

 

You are absolutely NOT nuts or insane or wrong for feeling this way. What you feel is normal. Your hormones and chemicals are starting to kick in. This is a normal part of the pair bonding process. Enjoy it. It is healthy and normal and you are lucky to be able to feel it so strongly.

 

Do NOT try to "lock him down" What the hell does that even mean! It sounds like virtual sexual slavery to me. Think about the premise here "We have only been dating for a month, but I want to control what you do, and with whom you do it because some women on the internet told me that is what I should do and so I will hold sex against you unless you give me what I want, even if it is not what you want. Let's get this straight up front - this relationship is about MY needs" Just sit on that for a moment. Read it a few times and trust that this is how it sounds because that is the subtext. Watch out for this one. It is the trust breaker of all trust breakers.

 

You contradict yourself a bit in your OP. I understand though! I have felt this way too. You seem to really like him, or you would not be here posting this. By the same token, you are sending him signals that you want to keep him at a distance. That can be confusing to a man. Be careful about aligning your words, your intentions, and your behaviors. Any man worth his salt will smell inconsistency and move on. Only a weak, insecure, naive, or inexperienced man (or one with bad intentions) will stick around in the face of women's behavior that does not align. The best men will not stay with you.

 

Men say all sorts of crazy crap to women. You have to balance it all out. We are not lying! When I am naked in bed with my girlfriend, I am at my most vulnerable. I feel the closest and warmest and connected to her and I want to express what my body and mind are feeling - and it is always amazing! When he says these things, you should let him flow with it. Let him smell you (smell bonding is super powerful!) and touch you and talk. When he says that he is really into you, then take that! What the hell are you looking for at this point - a ring? Really!? I know you are not, but he will hint at a lot of things because HIS hormones are a normal part of the pair bonding process too. He is apt to say and feel things that he doesn't completely understand either. Let him be.

 

I suggest that you just let him slowly fall in love with you. Accept him for who and what he is. If you cannot do this, then there is something wrong and you do not belong with himl

 

No games, no tests, no duplicity. No "locking down" or commitments. No holding him hostage with sex (that is one of the creepiest and sickest thing that a woman could ever do and only the worst of men will stick around in the face of this)

 

Good luck!

[waiting4u]

THANK YOU! I do need to just go with it. I'm just scared to death.

[xxoo]

Taking down a dating profile means nothing IRL. If he is presenting himself as single to his friends and family, then he considers himself to be single.

 

Keep in in mind that how he acts 3-6 months in is more telling than how he acts in the first weeks/months. Even if he is SUPER excited and into you now, even if he is begging you to be your girlfriend, it would still need to pass the test of time to know if it has any real potential as a relationship. Things should steadily grow, and when it starts off hot and heavy, sometimes it will lose steam. By not declaring you as his girlfriend, he is leaving room for things to grow. Now let time do its job. In other words: chill!

[Diezel]

For what it's worth, myself and a few of my friends have NEVER brought up exclusivity... it's always brought up in an organic matter by her.

 

I don't understand the train of thought of "If he is REALLY interested, he would have brought it up already". That's not always the case.

 

Most guys already know whether they'd want to be exclusive or not, but sometimes are waiting for some women to completely buy into the notion.

 

I really have to echo what firmness has previously said. That seems more in line with what I am thinking. I think the "lock him down" after only a month is coming from a place of vulnerability. That is NOT the answer to this.

[Versacehottie]

So about that jealousy: seriously, take it with a grain of salt. And stay off his FB if you must and it helps to not aggravate your jealousy. As you said, he wouldn't even have time to fit in anything else so you just have to trust that all is right. If he finds out from you that jealousy is a "button" to push, he will use it again--when you're in deeper. Especially since there is very little here to be jealous of. Keep an eye on it from a distance and privately to yourself.

 

Your other issue about exclusivity is the real challenge and question. I'm not sure why you are propelled to ask and define it. From what you say he is doing emotional declarations much more so than you and you don't sound exactly sure about what you want----so why would you try to define that? Why not just go with the flow until you do know or until he asks you? You were not asking for exclusivity before you had sex as some people do so why now? I don't know, but be careful that you are not just trying to follow some idealized script of what you think relationships should be. Go with your true feelings. Sounds like you might be a bit concerned that with his declarations he is not being genuine and that with whatever that FB b.s. with that girl was you are worried that he runs hot and cold rather than truly jealous. I'd be careful of moving too fast and asking for exclusivity within a talk as proof that you can trust him. Let his actions do the talking. You'll know when it's time.

[waiting4u]

Well, I was curious and went on another online dating site and checked for a profile using his specs - not only did he have an ACTIVE dating profile on that site, but he was ONLINE!!!!!

 

I want to make excuses so bad. I confronted him and he says he's "crazy about me and what we have is real" and "It was a mistake" and blah blah.

 

It's only been a month. I'm overreacting?? God, this is unreal.

[Keenly]

Well, I was curious and went on another online dating site and checked for a profile using his specs - not only did he have an ACTIVE dating profile on that site, but he was ONLINE!!!!!

 

I want to make excuses so bad. I confronted him and he says he's "crazy about me and what we have is real" and "It was a mistake" and blah blah.

 

It's only been a month. I'm overreacting?? God, this is unreal.

 

Yes you are way overreacting.

 

Being paranoid about this kind of stuff after only a month is man repellent.

 

 

Instead of letting the relationship develop organically, you want control over it. That's a huge red flag to men.

[Zahara]

It's literally been a month. 9 dates and we slept together on the third. Thank god he travels on business and we are forced to be apart sometimes or it would be worse. I've met some of his friends and it seems pretty serious. I'm trying to hold him at arms length but he is a talker - says all sorts of nonsense - I'm falling for you, how do you feel about falling in love?, I'm so into you, I like you so much, Do you know how much I'm into you, blah blah, asks me if I like jewelry (I told him no jewelry, this is insane), even told me last time we were in bed together "guess who loves you" (I ignored this, he was naked). He is even throwing out these hypothetical "if we are together in 20 years I'm going to . . . "

 

 

This is what's called future faking. Yes, the talker that tells you everything you want to hear. I'm going with Gaeta on this one. Guys that shoot off the blocks fast and heavy -- it's never a good sign. They're consumed by the honeymoon period and being driven by those initial shallow feel good emotions. It doesn't last very long nor does it have any depth to keep sustaining itself.

 

Sounds like "player" talk to me. He's talking about the next 20 years and at the same time surfing and checking out other women on another profile. It's pretty straightforward.

[waiting4u]

At this point I could care less whether or not I'm giving him "red flags."