Panatana90 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My girlfriend of four years broke up with me about a month ago and I was wondering if I should write her a long email outlining all the great times we had and how grateful I am that she was in my life. Here's a little history: My girlfriend of four years broke up with me out of the blue. We had an amazing relationship (she was my first serious gf and I was her first serious bf). We're both 24. However, she told me that she had been having doubts for a few weeks about our relationship and didn't feel it was fair to go on. I was stunned. Shocked, I sort of got angry and told her to f**k off. It was just how I felt at the time. She ran after me crying, virtually begging to meet up soon. I just walked away. But I knew the next day I did want to talk to her to find out exactly what the hell was going on. But I didn't contact her, after a day she called me and we decided to meet up the next day. She looked like she had been crying a lot, and told me she hadn't stopped for two days. I told her that I felt she was giving up on us without a fight. Because, if I'm honest, there were times when I felt we were in a rut and doubted if the spark was still there. But I got through it cos I knew I loved her. I gave her every ounce of love and energy and she did with me also. We helped each other through a lot, went on holidays, revealed everything about each other - and became best friends also. But when we met, she said the doubts had actually been there for a few months, not weeks, and she couldn't do it any more. That annoyed me, because I would have loved to have known this so we could work at it. But she said I was my usual 'amazing self' and that nothing probably would have eased her doubts. I said, "how do you know? You never told me or tried." She made it clear she was not in love with anyone else and I believe her. She just seemed very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons. She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make." She did also say she'd like to keep in contact but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' rarely works. She said she can't guarantee she won't ever contact me and I said she can do what she likes. I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no. That was like a knife right in the heart, but I was half prepared to hear that. We had one last (passionate) kiss and hug when she left and that was it. Right now, a big part of me feels like there's still something there. It has been a month of NC. I had been doing and feeling great for a while then yesterday all of a sudden, I started thinking of her and aching to have her back, which I'm sure is natural. I have even been on a few dates with another girl I've met, who I think is really nice and we get along great and have a lot in common.... but I want to take that very slowly and not jump into something too soon. I guess I'm not sure what I want to achieve with such an email. I suppose a large part of me just wants to know how she's doing. Is she moving on, is she missing me, does she think about me? etc I know I could do it in such a way that would really pull on the heart strings, but I have been advised by friends not to do it as it looks needy and IF anyone is ever going to make a first move, it must be her. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice? Should I do it or just maintain NC? Is this just a natural over-reaction to a bad day where she was on my mind a lot?
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 My girlfriend of four years broke up with me about a month ago and I was wondering if I should write her a long email outlining all the great times we had and how grateful I am that she was in my life. Here's a little history: My girlfriend of four years broke up with me out of the blue. We had an amazing relationship (she was my first serious gf and I was her first serious bf). We're both 24. However, she told me that she had been having doubts for a few weeks about our relationship and didn't feel it was fair to go on. I was stunned. Shocked, I sort of got angry and told her to f**k off. It was just how I felt at the time. She ran after me crying, virtually begging to meet up soon. I just walked away. But I knew the next day I did want to talk to her to find out exactly what the hell was going on. But I didn't contact her, after a day she called me and we decided to meet up the next day. She looked like she had been crying a lot, and told me she hadn't stopped for two days. I told her that I felt she was giving up on us without a fight. Because, if I'm honest, there were times when I felt we were in a rut and doubted if the spark was still there. But I got through it cos I knew I loved her. I gave her every ounce of love and energy and she did with me also. We helped each other through a lot, went on holidays, revealed everything about each other - and became best friends also. But when we met, she said the doubts had actually been there for a few months, not weeks, and she couldn't do it any more. That annoyed me, because I would have loved to have known this so we could work at it. But she said I was my usual 'amazing self' and that nothing probably would have eased her doubts. I said, "how do you know? You never told me or tried." She made it clear she was not in love with anyone else and I believe her. She just seemed very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons. She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make." She did also say she'd like to keep in contact but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' rarely works. She said she can't guarantee she won't ever contact me and I said she can do what she likes. I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no. That was like a knife right in the heart, but I was half prepared to hear that. We had one last (passionate) kiss and hug when she left and that was it. Right now, a big part of me feels like there's still something there. It has been a month of NC. I had been doing and feeling great for a while then yesterday all of a sudden, I started thinking of her and aching to have her back, which I'm sure is natural. I have even been on a few dates with another girl I've met, who I think is really nice and we get along great and have a lot in common.... but I want to take that very slowly and not jump into something too soon. I guess I'm not sure what I want to achieve with such an email. I suppose a large part of me just wants to know how she's doing. Is she moving on, is she missing me, does she think about me? etc I know I could do it in such a way that would really pull on the heart strings, but I have been advised by friends not to do it as it looks needy and IF anyone is ever going to make a first move, it must be her. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice? Should I do it or just maintain NC? Is this just a natural over-reaction to a bad day where she was on my mind a lot? so you can ease her guilt and look like a doormat and a pushover and pathetic and solidify her decision to terminate her relationship with you? is that your plan? if so, then totally write her that letter! 1
Author Panatana90 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Ok, I get the point and deep down I know you're right. No letter.
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Ok, I get the point and deep down I know you're right. No letter. Hmm let's see... I wrote my ex 3 to 4 long letters, the first one was 3 pages.. the 2 page.. then the last one was half a page. Did he respond? Nope. Did my tone of the letters change throughout? Yep. From apologetic to denial to hopeful then later to anger. Still no response. He must have flee the country. THe point is.. it's not up to you to contact them. If they are not ready to listen, even if you place a loudspeaker and blast your message through their windows, they won't hear you. All they hear is noises and get even more annoyed. Some things are better left unsaid...
shoegal4 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Write the letter. Get your feelings down. Read it over a few times and then SHRED it. NEVER send it. It will just solidify the fact you think of the BU and that you spent a decent amount of time out of your wonderful life to sit down and write something to your ex. Write it, read it YOURSELF and SHRED it. Guaranteed you'll feel better just doing that. 3
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Write the letter. Get your feelings down. Read it over a few times and then SHRED it. NEVER send it. It will just solidify the fact you think of the BU and that you spent a decent amount of time out of your wonderful life to sit down and write something to your ex. Write it, read it YOURSELF and SHRED it. Guaranteed you'll feel better just doing that. I get why people feel the need to write a letter! you want to show the dumper that they meant something to you, that it wasnt all for nothing, that they were important to you, and you want to write a letter to hopefully make peace with them so you can leave on good terms and not bad ones... and of course, no matter how much people deny it, there is always a tiny hope that if you write the letter so beautifully and eloquently and wonderfully that upon reading it the dumper will realise they made a mistake by dumping you and come back to you, because you argued your case THAT WELL in the letter. but ultimately it is pointless. if they wanted to be with you they would be with you. nothing changes that. writing a letter for yourself can help you get your feelings down and be good for catharsis so I would strongly recommend it. writing a letter for them is just wasting your time.
shoegal4 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I get why people feel the need to write a letter! you want to show the dumper that they meant something to you, that it wasnt all for nothing, that they were important to you, and you want to write a letter to hopefully make peace with them so you can leave on good terms and not bad ones... and of course, no matter how much people deny it, there is always a tiny hope that if you write the letter so beautifully and eloquently and wonderfully that upon reading it the dumper will realise they made a mistake by dumping you and come back to you, because you argued your case THAT WELL in the letter. but ultimately it is pointless. if they wanted to be with you they would be with you. nothing changes that. writing a letter for yourself can help you get your feelings down and be good for catharsis so I would strongly recommend it. writing a letter for them is just wasting your time. Yup, Ordinary - totally agree. It seems like a great idea at the time but it's really just an ego boost for the dumper. "Yeah I dumped you and I still have you exactly where I want you." I feel it makes the Dumpee look even worse Panatana - don't give your ex the benefit of knowing she is even on your mind. 1
Itspointless Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) I do not care as much about pride and dignity as others on this board. I only care of it feels right to me. If you really want to write that letter do it, BUT my advice though is wait a bit longer than a month as many people regret it if they do it to soon. I sent a text after 4.5 months as she kept contacting me once a month. I have one ex that I have added seven or eights years after on my Facebook. I knew she never dared to do it herself. She was happy I did. Some dumpers are ashamed or scared too you know. I like seeing that she is doing well now. Edited July 7, 2014 by Itspointless 1
oracle Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 NO NO NO NO They don't care. Neither should you anymore
Eddy Street Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Don't. That would be ridiculous. What you can do however is write it for yourself. Good luck.
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