Hansie89 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Man I don't know where to begin.. my girlfriend dumped me some weeks ago, it's currently day 7 of No Contact, and it's tearing me apart. When she broke up with me she went to great lengths to explain how much she still ''loves'', respects, and admires me, that I've been her biggest support in the worst period of her life, she said that I have a big space in her heart, and she wants to us to stay the best of friends ect, but she also said she we needed some time apart until we were on the same level emotionally. Also some time apart because being confronted with my sadness and disappointment was too much for her. I've gone though thick and thin for this woman, and although it's been wearing me down sometimes, I knew what I was doing, and I knew in my heart that I wanted to be there for her. She suffers from chronic back pains (osteoarthritis), and she's undergone surgery that worsened the pain, and also left her with nerve pain. It's always difficult to see a loved one in pain, but because I loved her I was there for her day and night, and did everything in my power to support her. I've had a really rough time too, family issues, lost quite a few close relatives and so on, and she was there unconditionally for me too! Normally I wouldn't want to remain friends with an ex, but this whole experience helped me realize that girlfriend or not, this is a person I'm simply not prepared to give up on, we've shared too much, been through really tough times together. Even when we were still together she was also my best friend, and although we are undergoing a NC period, she still is my best friend. I just don't know how to deal with this NC.. When should I reach out to her? I'm so confused..
Moonborn Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 She left you. She's the one giving up on you. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, you shouldn't reach out to her at all. If you haven't done it yet, I suggest you read the stickies in this forum section. If you have done research online about no contact and related topics before coming here, it's easy to read the titles and dismiss them as stuff you know already. I did that too at first. But when I actually went to check them I realized that they contain insights that you don't find elsewhere. 1
sugarlove Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I understand how hard it can be.. especially when the breakup seems abrupt to the point when they were with you the day before and the next day, they are gone. It's like something was stolen from you... Try to keep yourself busy... video games, hanging out with mates, phone apps, exercise etc. It's not easy, but it always get harder before it gets better. Writing a journal helps for some people, I find it therapeutic to come on LS to vent at times. We all been through this stage, just hang in there. You can do this! 3
Author Hansie89 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you Moonborn somewhere in my heart I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, and that I should move on. I do feel very frustrated with her for leaving me like this, but even so I find the thought of not having her in my life even just as a friend very painful, and it's hard to deal with.. Thanks for the advice Sugarlove, it makes the whole ting just a little bit more tolerable knowing that I will get through this! I've actually written down a few thoughts, and it does help if only temporarily! I really appreciate you two taking your time to read my thread, and share your thoughts, you guys rock!
me85 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you Moonborn somewhere in my heart I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, and that I should move on. I do feel very frustrated with her for leaving me like this, but even so I find the thought of not having her in my life even just as a friend very painful, and it's hard to deal with.. Thanks for the advice Sugarlove, it makes the whole ting just a little bit more tolerable knowing that I will get through this! I've actually written down a few thoughts, and it does help if only temporarily! I really appreciate you two taking your time to read my thread, and share your thoughts, you guys rock! I'm sorry. I too was there through thick and thin with my ex and then he left me high and dry... 1 week before our 2 year anniversary and 2 weeks before my birthday. It was brutal. It's been an entire year since our BU and in that time A LOT has happened and my ex has known about it but wasn't there for me at all. He is a POS. Doesn't ask me about my dying grandmother or other things he knows are difficult for me. Just yesterday he sent me an email telling me I was still his best friend (mind you he is with someone else.) WTF?! What a joker, that guy. He's very selfish. He wants to still be friends but not get back together. Ha! Well, sorry buddy. When you decided to end the RS you decided to end the friendship as well. I do not stay friends with exes. What's the point in that? Your RS with your ex may not have been unhealthy but she did decide to BU with you. So keep going NC. If you wish to try again, let her come to you. Keep living life and distract yourself as much as possible. DO NOT REACH OUT. Best wishes, J
requin Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Hansie I know how you feel. My bf of just over a year broke us up about 7 weeks ago. I am on day 9 of NC today and I'm falling apart. Like your gf, my ex wanted us to be friends. For the first week or so after the breakup I sort of tried to pretend the breakup didn't happen. But we live 40 mins apart so I didn't get to see him anyway, we did text a bit. Then I tried to distance myself a bit more but I was still in touch that first month. I went to his house (uninvited) twice to try to find out why. He was civil and we didn't yell or fight but I really didn't get any answers. Since I've gone no contact I feel like I"m having a nervous breakdown. I can't sleep and I can't focus on work and I have a headache all the time and want to cry all day which I can't (at work). His reason for leaving I since found out is that he's a love avoidant. I've wanted to talk w/ him about that but he didn't respond to my last texts so I have been no contact. he doesn't know he's an avoidant, he just thinks I'm no longer good enough. I don't want to be friends...because I cannot handle being "just friends" but I do not want to lose him either. Like you, I don't really know what to do but for now I'm maintaining NC and hope he'll come around. I know most ppl on here say to forget your ex but I never will forget my ex. I'm 52, he is 54, this kind of guy doesn't come along very often at this age and I am shattered. 1
Kermit76 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Take it from me bro (someone who was in your situation). Let me save you the heartache. Go strictly NC. Don't try to be friends with your ex. It will only lead to more pain. If she wants you back, loves you, SHE WILL COME BACK. It's that simple. Took me 10 months of pain trying to win my ex back to realize this. Obviously people on here and friends told me this but I had to find out for myself. Yep. I had to learn the hard way. 2
Author Hansie89 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I'm really sorry you have to go through that Requin, but I can only say it's all about staying strong in situations like ours! I truly hope he will come realize his mistake and come around, but I think the best option for you right now is to focus on healing, without hoping for him to return. I know it's so incredibly hard, my situation is very similar.. Hope is sometimes what keeps me going, but more often than not hope leads my thoughts astray, and becomes my worst enemy.. You owe it to yourself to get better, keep it up and stay strong!
Author Hansie89 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Take it from me bro (someone who was in your situation). Let me save you the heartache. Go strictly NC. Don't try to be friends with your ex. It will only lead to more pain. If she wants you back, loves you, SHE WILL COME BACK. It's that simple. Took me 10 months of pain trying to win my ex back to realize this. Obviously people on here and friends told me this but I had to find out for myself. Yep. I had to learn the hard way. Thanks for the advice Kermit76, if she loves me still I know she will eventually reach out for me, but I dare not think too much about it, in case it won't happen. Sometimes the only way is the hard way, it's just so damn hard not to stray from the path when you feel so much pain..
Author Hansie89 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I'm sorry. I too was there through thick and thin with my ex and then he left me high and dry... 1 week before our 2 year anniversary and 2 weeks before my birthday. It was brutal. It's been an entire year since our BU and in that time A LOT has happened and my ex has known about it but wasn't there for me at all. He is a POS. Doesn't ask me about my dying grandmother or other things he knows are difficult for me. Just yesterday he sent me an email telling me I was still his best friend (mind you he is with someone else.) WTF?! What a joker, that guy. He's very selfish. He wants to still be friends but not get back together. Ha! Well, sorry buddy. When you decided to end the RS you decided to end the friendship as well. I do not stay friends with exes. What's the point in that? Your RS with your ex may not have been unhealthy but she did decide to BU with you. So keep going NC. If you wish to try again, let her come to you. Keep living life and distract yourself as much as possible. DO NOT REACH OUT. Best wishes, J I'm trying to distract myself, but my motivation is very low.. the last few days it's been a struggle just getting out of my bed.. but reading posts like yours definitely fill me with a sense of purpose and that purpose is not to forget myself in the midst of all this chaos! Thanks for your reply!
geebelle Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I'm feeling the same way as you NC is killing. Now I'm left with wondering what he's up to and wondering if he's forgotten me. Since he left me I don't even feel comfortable contacting him anymore but this is definitely a roller coaster
Griesfootball Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Nc is the hardest thing ever, to me it's like somebody dying because everything gets cut off and that person that was so important is gone
Griesfootball Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Why do we all feel like this, it's bc of the fear that the person will forget us or make us a small picture in the big picture of their life. Nc will also make you feel lonely. The truth and I know it hurts is that some will come back to you and some won't. If you all were in any relationship of substance or length I promise they will not forget about you. During nc I think both sides think about what they liked about the relationship and what they didn't. Both sides should be trying to improve their personal qualities, usually the dumper is the one that does this. Sometimes there is the gigs. They talk to someone new and think it will be more exciting. Like they get bored of you. Every breakup is different. Look at it as a tunnel though. DO NOT do it to get your ex back. Look at it like a tunnel and when you get to the light you are a better person and if they do come back it's up to you whether you want them. Everyone keep positive and let the world work. Sometimes dumpees try to hard to fix things that weren't really a problem. Remember that person decided to breakup with you, but really it's both sides and you will find things that the other person did wrong too. You can't force things and that is why you should all continue to let no contact take it's course. Good luck to all 2
requin Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 ...because he changed EVERYTHING. And now that he's gone, I'm back to a world of gray. I know, I know..life is what you make it blah blah blah. Well, he made it full of color and vibrancy and now it's dull and gray. That's why I feel like this. Not so much that he'll forget me (he won't). I want him in my world, just like we were. Our r'ship was wonderful...I thought so. Anything "wrong" was stuff we could talk about and fix. So I thought. He wants freedom and yea, to find someone more exciting and "perfect". He seeks Miss Perfection. He will not find what does not exist.
Griesfootball Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You said it right there what he is looking for doesn't exist. So when he realizes this guess who will be contacting you? Then it will be up to you
requin Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 You said it right there what he is looking for doesn't exist. So when he realizes this guess who will be contacting you? Then it will be up to you Honestly, I hope you are right! But he's been on his search for Miss Perfect his entire life. He's never realized such a person does not exist. So will he come back, realizing I was right when I told him, "You will never find someone like me." ??? Well, time will tell. I hope so.
SailorGirl925 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Requin - Im 51 and my ex just turned 56. He dissapeared on me totally unexpected. I did nothing. Je got fired from his job and I sat with him for months then he dumps me. I have no clue what happened. Im done - not going back. Age is just a #. I want a man not a chicken***t immature idiot. He did me a favor. You ex did u a favor too. Better men are out there. Im on a break up diet - love not having an appetite! I xan finally lose some weight. Looking good is the best revenge. Hugs my friend. 1
requin Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Requin - Im 51 and my ex just turned 56. He dissapeared on me totally unexpected. I did nothing. Je got fired from his job and I sat with him for months then he dumps me. I have no clue what happened. Im done - not going back. Age is just a #. I want a man not a chicken***t immature idiot. He did me a favor. You ex did u a favor too. Better men are out there. Im on a break up diet - love not having an appetite! I xan finally lose some weight. Looking good is the best revenge. Hugs my friend. Love your attitude Sailorgirl. Maybe your ex is an avoidant too. They are really tough to deal with. I hope I can start feeling the way you do, it's much healthier and stronger. Thanks for your words. xo
SailorGirl925 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 My ex is definitely an "avoidant". What a polite word to use other than chicken***. LOL! I do have my ups and downs that's for sure. And I don't have family (all have passed), it's very hard because I don't have a support system. I think that with my ex - I was settling just to have someone in my life. I realize now, it's better to be single & lonely than endure being treated poorly! I live by the Karma rule - what goes around comes around. Keep your circle positive! People who do others wrong pay for it eventually. Hopefully we are lucky enough to be there to see them get their payback. I mean my ex was fired so it's obviously working on him already.
scobro Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 If she wants you back, loves you, SHE WILL COME BACK. Great advice by Kermit76 Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all. Put yourself in her shoes if she was in love and thinking about you she would get in touch with you and work things out
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