tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Just to give some background, I was dating this guy for a couple of months and he ended it a couple of months ago, citing that he didn't feel enough physical chemistry. It was pretty painful, but the search continues. Well we hung out for the first time about a month ago, and oh man, it felt like a romantic date. The conversation, what we did, 6 hours of being together, one on one, told me how important I am to him, he even tried to kiss me or so I thought. So I thought hmm maybe he changed his mind and asked him how he felt. Well he immediately said that we are just friends, he gave it a shot and although his feelings may change, he believes we are best as friends. Pretty hurtful again. At that point, I told him I felt led on and that he needs to stop if we are to be friends. After that I became more distant. Even ignored his text for a week. Talked to some other guys, went on a few dates, tried to keep it together. He texted me again asking me how I was. I told him to call me if he wanted to catch up. That night he called me and we talked for an hour and a half. It was very pleasant and felt like a more than friendly conversation. I even commented on how this dress I bought was pretty sexy, and he became all flirtatious about it. I ended the call, and it seemed like he didn't want to get off the phone. He then invited me out to this very expensive show. We went together, one on one. Again, it felt like a romantic date again. He paid for the dinner (this guy only paid for my dinner a few times when dating, he prefers to split the bills). He also remembered too many details about my life, like the tiniest things about how we met and things I liked. Was incredibly thoughtful and thanked me for things that were a big deal... like how my discussion with him last time we saw each other caused him to reach out to someone important in his life. He offered to make me my favorite tea AT HIS PLACE (I declined) and then we are both going to the same event in a few days and he offered to pick me up so that we could go together. The next day he sent me a couple of silly messages on Facebook with inside jokes relating to the show. I very casually invited him to this thing I was going to yesterday, and he sent me an email the night before saying how "he genuinely really wanted to go with me" and told me everything he was doing that day and how he thinks it may be too hard to squeeze it in. I was shocked because I didn't even think he was coming and it seemed like something you'd write a girl you were dating than a platonic friend. It was a casual invite that I had asked him about almost a week beforehand (i.e., oh I'm doing this if you want to join me and my friends, let me know) and he didn't need to formally apologize for it and tell me what his plans were all day! He's also told me that after this Saturday, he'll have more free time and is planning to invite me out to more things, even one on one things like paragliding together... It also doesn't help that he mentioned a couple of times, how love can evolve out of friendship. He did mention when we first started dating (we met online) how he really wants a relationship that evolves out of friendship organically and cannot stand the dating process and has trust issues and wants to take as much time as possible to get to know someone before committing to them. I just don't get this. Why would someone do this? I'm keeping my distance and am not reaching out to him but am not digging the mixed signals. I've told him how I felt led on a few weeks ago, and if he can remember that many details about my life, I sure as hell know that he remembers that conversation. EDIT: I have known this guy for 4 months and have hung out with him with friends. He does not act like this around other friends. He's usually on the quiet side and a bit careless with plans (hence my shock at him apologizing in advance for not being able to make it). I could be overreading things but his behavior has been so atypical. If anything he has been more emotional with me than usual. Edited July 7, 2014 by tigerdog
Omei Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I didnt read this sorry because of the title...the answer is to get what they want or need from you, women do it to men also its eveyones personal job to read the signs.
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 He didn't lead you on. If a guy is into you and is smitten with you, he will ask you out, date you and soon ask to be in a relationship. No ifs or butts. There is no middle ground. IF a man is really into you, he will stop seeing others immediately and date you. He will soon ask you to be his girlfriend. End of story. Anything short of the above means he is NOT that into you. It is not complicated. 1
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 He didn't lead you on. If a guy is into you and is smitten with you, he will ask you out, date you and soon ask to be in a relationship. No ifs or butts. There is no middle ground. IF a man is really into you, he will stop seeing others immediately and date you. He will soon ask you to be his girlfriend. End of story. Anything short of the above means he is NOT that into you. It is not complicated. Thanks for your comment, but I personally don't believe things are ever that black and white. If they were, I wouldn't feel the need to ask this question. If they were, then my past dating history would have been entirely different and many of my close friends and family members... where things were indeed complicated. Life and love is not black and white, and yes, sometimes things can be complicated.
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Denial is a powerful emotion. Your guy is telling you all you need to know, you just don't want to hear it. Men don't generally play with words as much as you ladies do. He's telling you that you are just friends and that's all you are. My guess is that he is hoping to add benefits to your friendship, as men generally want to do. He said he wants to take things slow and stay away from commitment so that he is free to meet/date other women, while he spends time with/sleeps with you. I'm pretty sure I'm not in denial. I've dated guys in the past and became friends and it was pretty obvious what it was. If you are telling me that people don't actually lead people on, and it's total denial, then feel free to believe that and discount what has occurred for millions of people. And for the record, I'm treating this as a friendship. I'm giving him distance and space, and pretty much moving on. If you are correct, about him wanting sex, well that's not happening (hence me declining going to his place) and wouldn't happen unless we were both in a relationship. I'm asking this question because it is confusing and something I've not encountered before. The last time a guy wanted to be just friends, he made it pretty obvious by limiting the time we spent together significantly, the interactions and making sure to talk about other girls aplenty about me. There was a clear change in the dynamic. With this guy he has become very emotionally open with me and I know he spends more time with me, than other friends. There is a change in that we aren't being physical anymore, but outside of that, emotionally things have remained the same and in some ways, seemed to have deepened between us. I have a very active social life and a good amount of dating experience, and feel I have enough social awareness to recognize when a guy is giving me romantic signals. Hence my feeling of being led on...
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 He is spelling it out for you. It IS black and white when a man is truly crazy about you. Right now, he is telling you that: - he likes spending time with you - he finds you attractive - he may have romantic feelings for you However, he has not dated you from the start; he talked about just being friends. He alluded to the spark not being there enough for him. Strike one - a man who is smitten does indeed feel enough natural chemistry to NOT have these doubts... If he was crazy about you and really into you, he would have -dated you from day one with no doubt about your chemistry - not mentioned just wanting to be friends - he would have consistently dated you, lined up dates once or twice a week -he would have introduced you to his friends and family as his "girlfriend" by now he is was REALLY into you You wouldn't be on here wondering whether he led you on. A man can really like you and choose YOU as the person he prefers to spend most of his free time with WITHOUT being falling head over heels for you. In fact, a man can love having you around a lot of the time without even having much of a romantic inclination for you. Unfortunately you are in denial, because if he was oh so crazy about you he would date you and have a relationship with you unless he had SERIOUS mental problems and had suffered some trauma in the past that causes him to LEGITIMATELY be unable to commit.
TigerLilly78 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I'm pretty sure I'm not in denial. I've dated guys in the past and became friends and it was pretty obvious what it was. If you are telling me that people don't actually lead people on, and it's total denial, then feel free to believe that and discount what has occurred for millions of people. And for the record, I'm treating this as a friendship. I'm giving him distance and space, and pretty much moving on. If you are correct, about him wanting sex, well that's not happening (hence me declining going to his place) and wouldn't happen unless we were both in a relationship. I'm asking this question because it is confusing and something I've not encountered before. The last time a guy wanted to be just friends, he made it pretty obvious by limiting the time we spent together significantly, the interactions and making sure to talk about other girls aplenty about me. There was a clear change in the dynamic. With this guy he has become very emotionally open with me and I know he spends more time with me, than other friends. There is a change in that we aren't being physical anymore, but outside of that, emotionally things have remained the same and in some ways, seemed to have deepened between us. I have a very active social life and a good amount of dating experience, and feel I have enough social awareness to recognize when a guy is giving me romantic signals. Hence my feeling of being led on... I see what your saying here OP and I know what you mean there are a few likely possibilities here A... he felt things went to fast originally and is slowing them down and letting them develop naturally as friends first imo its a little late for that and can only breed resentment B... He is afraid of being hurt so he is limiting the relationship on purpose if so why be dating women off line in the 1st place? C... He is hopeing to as some one else said add a FWB to your relationship just cause a man flirts doesn't mean he wants you to be his GF.. I don't know I could maybe deal with B if he was open and honest about it. But really none of them are spectacular its up to you if you want to continue things? but to me it sounds like you have been honest with him and hes still playing games to some degree.. 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Some more men 101. - a man can tell you his deepest, darkest secrets, spend most of his time with you above the time he spends with his friends and family, he can take your garbage out for you and cook and clean up for you whilst at your place. A man can ACT into you and even make your friends say "wow he sounds head over heels" because he is physically affectionate when he is around you. A man can behave in all those ways without actually being crazy about you in a ROMANTIC sense. He could just love you as a friend he wants added benefits with. A guy can genuinely like you and enjoy being very close to you, all the while NOT harbouring any true romantic interest for a long term commitment. If he did, he'd most likely have instigated it by now. A man has to have serious problems to just NOT want to commit very clearly to a woman he is head over heels for; he would not decline the love of his life a relationship unless he had LEGITIMATE, deep seated problems. Sorry but he never promised you anything, he never told you how crazy he was about you. He told you he wanted to be friends. Guys don't just say " hey so, we are just friends, right? when a woman who knocks their socks off shows interest in them....... You have never experienced this before. It is totally understandable that you are confused. Really. I have been in your shoes many times. I am telling you from experience; every player and every commitment phobe has a woman out there who would make him weak at he knees, as the poster Gaeta said the other day in a different thread. 1
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 He is spelling it out for you. It IS black and white when a man is truly crazy about you. Right now, he is telling you that: - he likes spending time with you - he finds you attractive - he may have romantic feelings for you However, he has not dated you from the start; he talked about just being friends. He alluded to the spark not being there enough for him. Strike one - a man who is smitten does indeed feel enough natural chemistry to NOT have these doubts... If he was crazy about you and really into you, he would have -dated you from day one with no doubt about your chemistry - not mentioned just wanting to be friends - he would have consistently dated you, lined up dates once or twice a week -he would have introduced you to his friends and family as his "girlfriend" by now he is was REALLY into you You wouldn't be on here wondering whether he led you on. A man can really like you and choose YOU as the person he prefers to spend most of his free time with WITHOUT being falling head over heels for you. In fact, a man can love having you around a lot of the time without even having much of a romantic inclination for you. Unfortunately you are in denial, because if he was oh so crazy about you he would date you and have a relationship with you unless he had SERIOUS mental problems and had suffered some trauma in the past that causes him to LEGITIMATELY be unable to commit. I appreciate your input but disagree I'm in denial. For the record, we did date from day one as you put it. We were dating for 2 months and he seemed to be quite serious about me. It's a long story on why it stopped and he gave me multiple and conflicting reasons.... but the last reason he gave me was a lack of physical chemistry. I say it was conflicting, because initially he was worried about the emotional connection but said we definitely had loads of physical and sexual attraction and now it's the opposite. According to him he feels very close to me and feels something he never felt before but lacks the physical chemistry.At this point, the reason hardly matters. Anyway we were seriously dating. I did see him once a week. Each date lasted 8-24 hours, so he spent a great deal of time with me during each date. I've met his close friends. Since we stopped dating, he still makes time to see and talk to me, more than most of his other friends (he's admitted this to me several times). He has also mentioned a couple of times how he wants me to meet his brother AFTER things ended between us. Again, this is why I feel led on. We were dating 2 months ago and it seemed to be going great. He ended it very suddenly. This was a shock to me. He doesn't want to lose me and wants me in his life, but as a friend, yet he treats me in a way that feels very romantic. I had a 3 hour conversation with him a few weeks ago explaining how I felt led on, confused and misled. He said he had no idea I felt that way, and would stop. Yet, it continues... I'm not taking it as a sign he wants to be with me (if he wants to be with me, I know he'll make it known)... I just don't get why it continues and why people do this. The only tragic thing that has happened to him, to my knowledge, is he has major trust issues with his ex and he has said many times that he has a fear of getting hurt. She cheated on him, he took her back, and broke up with him via text.
TigerLilly78 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Have you ever considered some one else came into his picture op? and that's why hes not totally cutting the romantic ties just encase things don't go as he would like with the new lady? just an idea.. 2
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yes, he is leading you on. He is acting contradictory, and the reason is that he wants to bed you. He is acting like he is interested in a relationship but he is saying he just wants to be friends. The reason... after he sleeps with you and you start talking about what a great couple you are, he can say oh oh, I said we were just friends. A sneaky plan to get what he wants without getting into a "relationship" with you. 4
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I see what your saying here OP and I know what you mean there are a few likely possibilities here A... he felt things went to fast originally and is slowing them down and letting them develop naturally as friends first imo its a little late for that and can only breed resentment B... He is afraid of being hurt so he is limiting the relationship on purpose if so why be dating women off line in the 1st place? C... He is hopeing to as some one else said add a FWB to your relationship just cause a man flirts doesn't mean he wants you to be his GF.. I don't know I could maybe deal with B if he was open and honest about it. But really none of them are spectacular its up to you if you want to continue things? but to me it sounds like you have been honest with him and hes still playing games to some degree.. Thanks for this comment. I have been very honest with him, hence my confusion on why this is occurring. Your reasons make sense. It could be A. We spent loads of time together and he told me several times how he was worried about it moving too fast. If that's the reason, you are right, it builds resentment, since he could just have been honest about that. Looking back, we spent too much time together and nothing kills a spark more quickly than that. B. Could also be right. He has clear trust issues. He's mentioned many times, especially when we were together, how he has fears of being hurt and how hard it is to trust. This is actually one of the few reasons I have chosen to be friends with him. I've also been cheated on by my most recent ex so understand that distrust and pain. His ex was his first girlfriend, first love, first everything... and he has issues with trust stemming from family. I did ask him why he was dating and he said I'm the first person he was seriously seeing after that and thought it might help him get over the pain (egh, painful to hear!) So I'm happy to be his friend from a distance and hang out in group settings, but not happy to be the friend who feels like things are romantic... C. Definitely a possibility. Anyway, thanks for giving me some possibilities here. I haven't thought of those before and they all make sense in some capacity.
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Yes, he is leading you on. He is acting contradictory, and the reason is that he wants to bed you. He is acting like he is interested in a relationship but he is saying he just wants to be friends. The reason... after he sleeps with you and you start talking about what a great couple you are, he can say oh oh, I said we were just friends. A sneaky plan to get what he wants without getting into a "relationship" with you. Nah, probably not a new lady. We have tons of mutual friends at this point, so it would have come up and because we have so many mutual friends, I actually annoyingly always know what he's doing on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights due to Facebook or friends randomly mentioning that they all went out together. He might be going on dates with another girl, but highly doubt it's a girlfriend but who knows... He's also tagged me in posts. Like when we went to that show, he said he had a great time and tagged me in the post. It could definitely be him wanting to get sexual, hence him inviting me over, but again, not falling for that at all.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Oh I am sure he is seeing others. Why does that mean he doesn't want to sleep with you? Trust me, this is his intention. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Nah, probably not a new lady. We have tons of mutual friends at this point, so it would have come up and because we have so many mutual friends, I actually annoyingly always know what he's doing on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights due to Facebook or friends randomly mentioning that they all went out together. He might be going on dates with another girl, but highly doubt it's a girlfriend but who knows... He's also tagged me in posts. Like when we went to that show, he said he had a great time and tagged me in the post. It could definitely be him wanting to get sexual, hence him inviting me over, but again, not falling for that at all. You said you met him on line? whats to say he don't have another girl lined up hes been talking to. Men and women for that matter tend to play the virtual field these days allot from what ive seen. And im sure not all his/your friends are at his pc 24/7 he could also leave town and date them from a distance the internet opens up so many possibilities..not saying this is def whats going on but yeah.. 1
Author tigerdog Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 You said you met him on line? whats to say he don't have another girl lined up hes been talking to. Men and women for that matter tend to play the virtual field these days allot from what ive seen. And im sure not all his/your friends are at his pc 24/7 he could also leave town and date them from a distance the internet opens up so many possibilities..not saying this is def whats going on but yeah.. He could be meeting chicks online. Actually, after you mentioned this, I just glanced at his profile and he was last logged on a few days ago, so I doubt he would be logging on if he had a serious girlfriend. Either way, it doesn't matter to me. I'm going on dates with other guys, continuing with my search, and he can do what he wants. To be honest, I'd be fine if he dated other girls. Obviously it would hurt, but we aren't together and I'd rather someone see my true value than for me to be just one of a few convenient options... he's new to dating ever since that relationship ended, so dating other people should give him a better idea of what he truly wants in a partner anyway. 1
aprilisi Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I have known so many men like this. It really does hurt. But to keep it short and simple, it's his actions that count, not his words
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Getting led on happens to everyone. Men and women. The person doing the leading has a need that they are using the other person to fulfill. Sometimes it's sexual, sometimes emotional, sometimes financial, sometimes they're just bored out of their mind and seek entertainment for a while. The reason never makes you feel better though. 2
starrynightz45 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I'm not so much in this "men are black and white about absolutely everything" camp. It's not quite that simple. My read on this situation is that this guy is emotionally immature/just generally doesn't know what the hell he wants, enjoys the chase, and will string you along for as long as you allow it simply because he's not willing to settle on any one thing. If you want the emotional turmoil, pain, and mixed messages that will come with this, then continue. Otherwise, cut this off before you end up really hurting yourself. Notice that as soon as you pull back and ignore him, he comes running. He's on top of the phone calls, the dates, the flirtation etc. It's great, but the problem is that as soon as you start to let your guard down and start to think this is actually headed somewhere and he feels that he's won you over, he'll go back to running off, and it will be OK in his head because he told you he just wanted to be friends. Some guys are just like this, especially when they are immature, players, etc. They like the chase. You ignore them, they come running. You act interested, they run off. I bet if you started acting very interested in him, he'd back off again. By allowing this situation to continue, you will only be hurting yourself. 3
Author tigerdog Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 I'm not so much in this "men are black and white about absolutely everything" camp. It's not quite that simple. My read on this situation is that this guy is emotionally immature/just generally doesn't know what the hell he wants, enjoys the chase, and will string you along for as long as you allow it simply because he's not willing to settle on any one thing. If you want the emotional turmoil, pain, and mixed messages that will come with this, then continue. Otherwise, cut this off before you end up really hurting yourself. Notice that as soon as you pull back and ignore him, he comes running. He's on top of the phone calls, the dates, the flirtation etc. It's great, but the problem is that as soon as you start to let your guard down and start to think this is actually headed somewhere and he feels that he's won you over, he'll go back to running off, and it will be OK in his head because he told you he just wanted to be friends. Some guys are just like this, especially when they are immature, players, etc. They like the chase. You ignore them, they come running. You act interested, they run off. I bet if you started acting very interested in him, he'd back off again. By allowing this situation to continue, you will only be hurting yourself. Thanks for this! I do think he is emotionally immature probably. He's very inexperienced with relationships and is 26. He's had 2 relationships, but from my perspective, they didn't seem normal since 1 had cheating occurring within the first 6 months and the other had language barriers so that they never actually got to know each other. And he's never dated another girl before. He's definitely not a player. I'm 100% sure of that. I just think, like you said, he's emotionally immature... and he's said multiple times how he's never been in this situation before and doesn't really know how to handle it. And when I told him how to handle it, well obviously that's not going well. Anyway, we are supposed to go somewhere together tomorrow. I know it will be amazing and there may be more mixed signals. But after that, no more. I'm only going tomorrow because he has a really, really big thing happening for him on Friday and Saturday and I know if I suddenly say I can't go, he'll be thinking about it and it might spoil the night. A guy did that to me, last minute, a year ago and although I went out and had fun, it did spoil the evening a bit for me. I love spending time with him, but I don't want to keep being confused.
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