Why can't I ever have the normal dating/relationship?

[joystickd]

Right now I'm in a bad position. I with someone that has a male friend. Her cell phone has a pic of him and her. The passcode to her phone is his birthday which before was my birthday. She says they basically grew up together and kind of like family. She was married and now separated. We got close when she was still married. I know but for some reason I have worst luck with single women if its not an FWB it usually doesnt work out for me. I didn't really get the whole feelings thing until she said she loved me. Then her husband messages me on facebook he got her email and saw the messages. He sent me messages he sent her stating she wanted this friend since 15. While he messaged me I let her know and showed everything he said. I asked about that she said nothing much accept she was trying to lie to him so he wouldn't come after me. Days later she said she had to take me off of facebook because of him threatening to sue me for either alienation of affection or criminal conversation and use messages as evidence. He said he could when he messaged me. She also said we had to slow down because of this and that one of her kids doesn't want her to date. Husband she separated from was their stepdad and they didn't like him and the kid feels like he finally got her back.

 

Now I understand the situation which is complicated but I feel somewhat left out. What should I do? It's like I'm in a bad position. I asked to see if we can meet in the middle about me having more involvement in her life as for meeting her friends and some family. I really said that meet this "family member". I know she knows about me and my family but its like I started to learn then I got put in the dark:confused: It's tough for me because I shared me. Its hard for me to get to that point. I'm kind of an a$$ not just to be one but because Ive been hurt so much in my life by people in general especially women in my life. I have been trying with this person to put it behind me

[joystickd]

No one knows what I should do?

[Glinda.Good]

I don't think this is what you are looking for, but I think you are going to need to move on. If you can get to a place where you have a completely different perspective on this, you can learn a lot from it. Mostly, what NOT to do.

 

She does not sound like she is available, or trustworthy.

 

You have a lot of defense mechanisms in place. They are not helping you or protecting you, they are keeping you isolated. IMO taking risks and living your life, even though it will dish out a lot of pain and disappointment, is preferable to staying stuck so you won't get hurt.

 

You're getting hurt now, anyway. So go through it and come out the other side, hopefully resolved to do things a lot differently next time.

[joystickd]

Forget it I know what I need to do

[jay1983]

I read that twice and I'm still not sure if I've got it right. Okay she has a guy friend who she's known her whole life and a husband. Or are they one and the same? You were messing around with her while she was married. She told you she loved you, then changed her cellphone pin from your b-day to her guy friend's. Her husband found out something was going on so he confronted you, then she had to take you off facebook because he told her to.

 

Do I have the story straight or am I missing anything?

 

It's kinda hard to follow.

[KathyM]

The reason relationships don't work out for you is because you don't have a workable way to start and continue a normal dating relationship. You start out either starting up something with married or otherwise taken women, or start out as FWB, and then you expect that to turn into a normal healthy relationship? Nope, your whole relationship strategy is screwed up. And even if you were to start a relationship the traditional way, it likely wouldn't last because sooner or later the partner would find out your past and that would be a huge turn off and dealbreaker, or if you didn't admit to your past, your attitude about relationships and women likely comes through and would be a turn off as well to women who are seeking a normal dating relationship.

[joystickd]

The reason relationships don't work out for you is because you don't have a workable way to start and continue a normal dating relationship. You start out either starting up something with married or otherwise taken women, or start out as FWB, and then you expect that to turn into a normal healthy relationship? Nope, your whole relationship strategy is screwed up. And even if you were to start a relationship the traditional way, it likely wouldn't last because sooner or later the partner would find out your past and that would be a huge turn off and dealbreaker, or if you didn't admit to your past, your attitude about relationships and women likely comes through and would be a turn off as well to women who are seeking a normal dating relationship.

I am honest about my past. If someone sees it as a dealbreaker then that is their loss. Like Ive said for some reason I seem to have better luck with women that are taken than single women. It usually ends in friendship or fizzles out. I actually don't hope to turn it into a relationship. It just kind of happens I expected this to be an FWB. I suck at relationships and seem to only have success at FWBs

[Grumpybutfun]

Joystickd, a woman who cares for you won't play games with your heart. This woman sounds like the men in her life are expendable. Also, I have childhood female friends that I'm emotionally close to but I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my woman for them. She sounds a bit flaky. Maybe take some time away from her to get a better perspective about the situation.

Good luck,

Grumps

[KathyM]

I am honest about my past. If someone sees it as a dealbreaker then that is their loss. Like Ive said for some reason I seem to have better luck with women that are taken than single women. It usually ends in friendship or fizzles out. I actually don't hope to turn it into a relationship. It just kind of happens I expected this to be an FWB. I suck at relationships and seem to only have success at FWBs

Well, if you'll excuse my bluntness, if you eat strictly a junk food diet, and keep hanging out at junk food restaurants, and your whole body and way of thinking shows it, don't expect a health conscious woman to have an interest in you. Just sayin. And don't expect to have a healthy body with a junk food diet. Aint happening. But apparently you prefer a junk food diet, so I don't see why you are complaining that it's not having a healthy effect on you. And if you are just going to throw up your hands and say all I can eat is junk food, and never try to eat healthier, don't expect anything to change. Hopefully, you get the analogy I'm giving you here.

[joystickd]

Well, if you'll excuse my bluntness, if you eat strictly a junk food diet, and keep hanging out at junk food restaurants, and your whole body and way of thinking shows it, don't expect a health conscious woman to have an interest in you. Just sayin. And don't expect to have a healthy body with a junk food diet. Aint happening. But apparently you prefer a junk food diet, so I don't see why you are complaining that it's not having a healthy effect on you. And if you are just going to throw up your hands and say all I can eat is junk food, and never try to eat healthier, don't expect anything to change. Hopefully, you get the analogy I'm giving you here.

Trust me if I could find a single woman I would. Before her I actually was dating a single women. She took care of her sick dad and worked. We went out on dates. Hell I didn't even push for sex and even spent money to buy her a Chanel giftset for Christmas. She lost her job then the relationship went down hill. That is how I met this current woman. The single woman wanted to take things slow and I was horny. Like I said I'm not really into a relationship at this point I met her and it gave me the urge for one but it fizzled out. It went from talking all the time to few times a week to none at all. I tried to be understanding and be there for her but she shut me out so I went to this woman

[KathyM]

Trust me if I could find a single woman I would. Before her I actually was dating a single women. She took care of her sick dad and worked. We went out on dates. Hell I didn't even push for sex and even spent money to buy her a Chanel giftset for Christmas. She lost her job then the relationship went down hill. That is how I met this current woman. The single woman wanted to take things slow and I was horny. Like I said I'm not really into a relationship at this point I met her and it gave me the urge for one but it fizzled out. It went from talking all the time to few times a week to none at all. I tried to be understanding and be there for her but she shut me out so I went to this woman

Apparently, you have a lot to learn about keeping a real relationship going. I don't know what all happened that caused the break down of your real relationship, but apparently you've decided that real relationships are too much work, so you're back to the fake ones. Kind of like a guy who was trying to get in shape, but as soon as he met with a setback, he stopped trying altogether. If you're going to go after dysfunctional women, don't complain when they are dysfunctional.

[joystickd]

Apparently, you have a lot to learn about keeping a real relationship going. I don't know what all happened that caused the break down of your real relationship, but apparently you've decided that real relationships are too much work, so you're back to the fake ones. Kind of like a guy who was trying to get in shape, but as soon as he met with a setback, he stopped trying altogether. If you're going to go after dysfunctional women, don't complain when they are dysfunctional.

It didn't work out because she lost her job and her dad died. She was depressed and plus her mom stayed in and out of trouble. I know what it takes to keep it going it's just finding that person. Trust me I don't like dysfunctional relationships. I usually go for the sex then they say they have feelings and I think "Hell might as well" and it goes from there but anyway I'm done with that one.

 

I saw you mentioned my past being a dealbreaker. People like what they like and if they don't then that is their choice. I'm not like the women and going to make a whole monologue to campaign to forget my past or say someone is insecure. I want people to know my past so they can make an informed decision about me. Why lie the truth has a way of coming out?

[KathyM]

I'm not suggesting that you lie. I'm suggesting that you stop chasing after married women and taken women and change your attitude about women in general so that maybe you'll have a chance of a normal relationship.

[joystickd]

I'm not suggesting that you lie. I'm suggesting that you stop chasing after married women and taken women and change your attitude about women in general so that maybe you'll have a chance of a normal relationship.

 

I don't chase them. I attract them. I actually spend more time and energy trying to talk to single women but taken ones are more aggressive and approach me

[joystickd]

I ended it. I had planned on doing it. Too complicated for me. I ended it on a positive note. I broke my own rules about certain things to be with that person. I never mess with a woman that has male friends. It's not that I'm against women having male friends but it puts the guy in a bad position.

[joystickd]

Did you even notice that I said I ended it?

[joystickd]

Yes, I noticed you said you ended it with this one, but you also said you had a history of getting into relationships with married/taken women because those are who come on to you, as if you have no ability to decide for yourself whom you are going to interact with and whom you don't. I'm telling you, if you want a normal dating/relationship, you're going to have to decide these side relationships are not for you, and not get involved with them.

Yeah I admit I have a history of this and fully understand why. I have been consistently trying to seek out a normal relationship. These often just are used to fulfill certain needs. Sometimes it ends up being more but like I said I ended it.

[joystickd]

No relationship oriented woman is going to be interested in a guy who has affairs with married women to "fulfill his needs." That's just scummy behavior. As long as you have that mindset that it's O.K. to do that, don't expect any relationship-oriented woman to be interested in you. Yeah, I know you ended it with this one, but you need to work on your character if you expect to have a normal relationship.

Yeah they will. I just like most people. We all play a role to get what we want or need. I will display different qualities for a relationship-oriented woman than I would with those type of women. How do you know the relationship-oriented woman hasn't done any scummy behavior? We all have done something questionable but love is acceptance of imperfections and only one person has to do that. Please save your high and mighty judgments of me. I'm no different than anyone here. We all have done some questionable behavior, but unlike promiscuous women I'm not going to make a campaign monologue.

[joystickd]

Well, you said it yourself that you have not been successful with normal dating relationships, so I guess that would prove you wrong. Women who are relationship quality women do care about a man's character.

 

Translation: You will use and hurt whomever you feel like it in order to get your "needs" met.

 

But yet you say you tell these relationship quality women all about your past.

 

Maybe she has, but changed her way of thinking and is now relationship quality. Most people wouldn't consider people who engage in multiple affairs as relationship quality. For some reason, you don't see your behavior as an affair partner to multiple married women as something that should be a dealbreaker. Well, to relationship quality women, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

So having multiple affairs with married women is merely an "imperfection" to you?

 

Well, you're the one asking why your relationships never worked out, so I told you. If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question.

You are the one here saying basically no woman will date me. That statement was not about using anyone. You just say that because it fits your values and beliefs. Actually that meant that if a person wants to be relationship quality they will if that is what they want at that time. Hell porn stars get married. In your high and mighty eyes they are not relationship quality but they found someone that accepted them.