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Which reply should I use out of these 4? (Need to reply in next hour)

MoooOinkBaaa

By MoooOinkBaaa
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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I was in a casual relationship with a girl for three months who I had no intention of asking out. Then I got feelings for her but it was too late and the relationship we had died down, she got distant. I know at one point she really liked me but that probably doesn't matter now.

 

This feels weird saying it over Facebook but I feel like I have no choice... We should stay friends, I'm not feeling it anymore. I just think my subconscious won't let me be tied down.

Don't worry, you're still getting banana wheetabix hah

 

This is the message she sent today, is this a good response? I've wrote four to pick from, which one is the best or can anyone suggest another?

 

1)

I understand, it's totally cool. Just for the record I knew this casual relationship we had going had to end sometime. At the start I didn't want to be tied down either. I knew it was casual but I had to reverse feelings for you which kept building. They just got pretty strong within the last month so really you've done us both a favour.

 

2)

It's cool, I understand. It was fun whilst it was casual and we both were on the same page. I didn't want to be tied down either but you really grew on me and I couldn't stick to the cut and dry casual like you. Sorry for that day I was being really quiet, it's because I realized I liked you more than you liked me. I tried to reverse the feelings you gave me but couldn't and got a bit down over the last month but you've done us both a favour really so thanks for that. Don't worry about the weetabix though and have a sweet birthday :)

 

3)

It's a shame you're not feeling it any more. I didn't want to be tied down either at the start. I think we were kidding ourselves spending so much time together because it was like a casual-serious relationship, one of us was going to get sprung haha. I tried not to act like a boyfriend around you and suppress my feelings but by the end, I developed real feelings for you.

 

Thanks for being honest though, I can start to reverse the emotions now. It was getting me down in the last month, since I felt you're no longer interested.

 

So it's cool, I understand. I wish I would of said how I felt earlier whilst you were feeling it, then maybe it could of been something deeper but at least we have our freedom pressure free single life still before it got too serious :)

 

4)

It's cool I totally understand. I don't want to be tied down either, I tried to keep it casual but started to get feelings :/. Thanks for being honest.

 

The 4th message just keep cool, calm and don't reveal my emotions. At least my attraction has a chance of remaining with her still.

I'm not going to stay friends with her though, I don't want her as a friend I want her as a lover. I won't tell her, I'll just leave quietly.

Edited by MoooOinkBaaa
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

I think all four are lame and you SHOULD tell her you want her as a lover, not a friend and *then* move.

 

"It's cool?" When it obviously is not = disingenuous. Why lie?

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Okay, thanks. I'll tell her that then. I guess it is lying to say it's cool when it's not.

 

"I don't want you as a friend, I want you as a lover."

zen2475 Established Member

zen2475

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Posted

I would just not say anything. It's always best to just go NC immediately and maintain your dignity.

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ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
I was in a casual relationship with a girl for three months who I had no intention of asking out. Then I got feelings for her but it was too late and the relationship we had died down, she got distant. I know at one point she really liked me but that probably doesn't matter now.

 

 

 

This is the message she sent today, is this a good response? I've wrote four to pick from, which one is the best or can anyone suggest another?

 

1)

 

2)

 

3)

 

4)

 

The 4th message just keep cool, calm and don't reveal my emotions. At least my attraction has a chance of remaining with her still.

I'm not going to stay friends with her though, I don't want her as a friend I want her as a lover. I won't tell her, I'll just leave quietly.

 

None of them. The other "I dont want you as a friend" message is even worse and makes you look incredibly clingy.

 

You shouldnt say ANY message. You should leave quietly...as you mentioned.

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Okay makes sense. It doesn't matter what I say to her because she's straight up rejected me, means she doesn't have feelings for me, at least not strong enough ones.

I just thought maybe because I didn't show her any real love, or affection that's why she isn't feeling it anymore. So if I opened up to her it would take us on a deeper level?

 

I guess that doesn't matter though because if she liked me enough she would of opened up herself?

lauri Established Member

lauri

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Posted

Want to send the best message? Ignore her.

 

I would just completely avoid saying anything and then disppear. She will start to get curious and contact you with meaningless breadcrumbs - just don't bother cracking and avoid dealing with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Ok thanks for the advice I'll ignore her. Feels more tryhard than simply replying to her message though. She might think I'm being manipulate by not responding.

Should I keep her on facebook?

 

It's weird cause it wasn't even a relationship yet, otherwise I'd go full NC and del her from FB but because it was casual it feels a bit extreme.

Edited by MoooOinkBaaa
Kopite Established Member

Kopite

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Bloody hell. Some people on here...

 

It's like you don't even read the OP and just post nonsense i.e. Go NC no matter the situation.

 

It seems like they didn't have any real relationship here and she did nothing wrong. Why would he go straight NC on her? Is that what you all do for every single person that you like but doesn't like you back? The world would be a pretty terrible place.

 

OP, make your own choice. It's not about maintaining your dignity. It's about what's healthier for you. She sounds like a good friend and if you think you can keep your feelings out of it, then what's the problem? Otherwise, maybe keeping her distant is better for now until you find someone else.

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loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

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I agree. NC isn't the end all be all, in fact with some people there IS a certain degree of manipulation behind it. In some cases it's required, in others it's flat out immature. The way I see it, she wasn't an exclusive GF of yours and honesty is the best policy anyhow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with stating your feelings and saying "Hey, I'm sorry it didn't work out". You don't look like a sap, you look honest and mature and you can feel good about yourself for being so. Keep it simple, keep it light.

  • Like 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted (edited)
Bloody hell. Some people on here...

 

It's like you don't even read the OP and just post nonsense i.e. Go NC no matter the situation.

 

It seems like they didn't have any real relationship here and she did nothing wrong. Why would he go straight NC on her? Is that what you all do for every single person that you like but doesn't like you back? The world would be a pretty terrible place.

 

OP, make your own choice. It's not about maintaining your dignity. It's about what's healthier for you. She sounds like a good friend and if you think you can keep your feelings out of it, then what's the problem? Otherwise, maybe keeping her distant is better for now until you find someone else.

 

NC has NOTHING to do with them. 100% NOTHING. Its for YOU! The OP clearly has feelings for her. How much good is it going to do our person to sit there and hang around by doing this whole thing? The OP even stated himself he doesnt want to hang around. NC does a lot of things. It clears your mind, helps you understand more perspective, and helps you get over it. After a certain time that he is over it and has a clearer head, then a friend situation could happen. As long as there is a romantic feeling in one of the parties, it wont work and stick out like a sore thumb. There will be a problem.

Edited by ConfusedHumanBeing
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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Bloody hell. Some people on here...

 

It's like you don't even read the OP and just post nonsense i.e. Go NC no matter the situation.

 

It seems like they didn't have any real relationship here and she did nothing wrong. Why would he go straight NC on her? Is that what you all do for every single person that you like but doesn't like you back? The world would be a pretty terrible place.

 

OP, make your own choice. It's not about maintaining your dignity. It's about what's healthier for you. She sounds like a good friend and if you think you can keep your feelings out of it, then what's the problem? Otherwise, maybe keeping her distant is better for now until you find someone else.

 

Hey thanks for the alternative advice. I was thinking it would be a bit harsh/immature to completely ignore her message. I think sending something short and nonchalant but then not contacting her again.

 

It turned into me being the one always imitating anyways so we probably won't speak again. It's weird because I saw some stuff she wrote about me how she fell for me at the start of this casual relationship. I wish I had asked her out at the start whilst the iron was hot. She probably got bored of the casual situation and lost feelings.

 

I'm not gonna hang around, I can get over her without talking to her again but I don't need to do a full NC, just a short reply.

aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

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If you want her as a lover then tell her... If she ignores or rejects you then at least you can stop wondering what if.

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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No need to tell her I want her as a lover, she doesn't want me as one?

I just don't know how to reply to her message.

 

I think she has no interest in me or met someone else. The not wanting to be tied down must be an excuse - she wouldn't say that to Ryan Gosling. She tried to be nice by saying we should stay friends and she'll still get me that birthday gift.

 

I was thinking just saying "Okay, if that's how you feel."

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't say anything. I know you were just casual, but she couldn't give you more respect than to tell you in person and has to resort to FB? I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

Posted
Posted

OP, you kept this girl at arms length and didn't know what the hell you wanted from her. You refused to take her out, made all sorts of ridiculous excuses for doing so and treated her like a f*kbuddy so she wouldn't think you wanted a relationship with her even though that ended up being what you wanted anyway :rolleyes:. A part of me wants to laugh and say oh well, this is exactly what you get! but I'm more mature than that.

 

So, that being the case, contrary to popular opinion, I'd say something along the lines of number 4 would've been better suited to your situation. Short, simple and honest. I wouldn't have phrased it that way but anything that conveyed exactly that would've been good.

firmness Established Member

firmness

Posted
Posted
No need to tell her I want her as a lover, she doesn't want me as one?

I just don't know how to reply to her message...

 

I was thinking just saying "Okay, if that's how you feel."

 

Holy moley! These responses - I get the NC thing, but jeez.

 

Your instincts are right Mooo - a short response is perfect. "Okay, if that's how you feel" sounds a bit snarky in writing, although in person it could be softened.

 

I would phrase it like this "I understand how you feel. Thanks for being clear."

 

That balances just about all the important things. You are clear with her, as she has been with you. You acknowledge what she has told you without sounding jerky, long-winded, vague, or needy. AND you retain your dignity. A win, win, win.

 

Move on and ignore her going forward.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted
I agree. NC isn't the end all be all, in fact with some people there IS a certain degree of manipulation behind it. In some cases it's required, in others it's flat out immature. The way I see it, she wasn't an exclusive GF of yours and honesty is the best policy anyhow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with stating your feelings and saying "Hey, I'm sorry it didn't work out". You don't look like a sap, you look honest and mature and you can feel good about yourself for being so. Keep it simple, keep it light.

 

 

on repeat...no contact is for severe cases i feel one of extreme hurt and avoidance is the only answer tostop being hurt more ...no contact is not the answer to every relationship....i think being honest shows maturity even if rejection is hurtful.....its honest.......and mature to be willing to risk rejection...admirable in other words and definitely honorable...no matter how scared you are or feel your dignity will take a hit........there's respect in honesty..deb

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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She had to tell me on FB, she lives a little far to say it in person.

 

Lernaean_Hydra - I appreciate the advice but I've always known what I wanted from her. At first I wanted a casual relationship. That's why I didn't take her out and anything else that might possibly be construed as a sign that the two of us were an item.

 

Couple stuff is for long-term relationships not casual ones?

 

I got feelings for her though (I've still not told her). I understand how that's ironic and funny though. Next time if I really like a girl I'll ask her out as soon as I can. I just found out too late that I liked her more than a casual lover.

 

I wonder if she thought we WERE an item? Her message implies we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Did she feel tied down or is she implying she didn't want to be tied down? I never asked for exclusivity and neither did she. Or did she mean she's not feeling the FWB anymore? It doesn't make sense because she wouldn't of said she doesn't want to be tied down if she knew it was FWB??

 

firmness - Ah yeah that does sound snarky without a voice to soften it. I'll use your phrasing then I like it - it wouldn't push her away or be needy.

Edited by MoooOinkBaaa
OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
Posted
Holy moley! These responses - I get the NC thing, but jeez.

 

Your instincts are right Mooo - a short response is perfect. "Okay, if that's how you feel" sounds a bit snarky in writing, although in person it could be softened.

 

I would phrase it like this "I understand how you feel. Thanks for being clear."

 

That balances just about all the important things. You are clear with her, as she has been with you. You acknowledge what she has told you without sounding jerky, long-winded, vague, or needy. AND you retain your dignity. A win, win, win.

 

Move on and ignore her going forward.

 

This is the best idea. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. No wavering or fickle stuff.

Kopite Established Member

Kopite

Posted
Posted
NC has NOTHING to do with them. 100% NOTHING. Its for YOU! The OP clearly has feelings for her. How much good is it going to do our person to sit there and hang around by doing this whole thing? The OP even stated himself he doesnt want to hang around. NC does a lot of things. It clears your mind, helps you understand more perspective, and helps you get over it. After a certain time that he is over it and has a clearer head, then a friend situation could happen. As long as there is a romantic feeling in one of the parties, it wont work and stick out like a sore thumb. There will be a problem.

 

I agree that the no contact thing is for YOU. That's what I wrote in case you didn't read but you're making it seem like this woman is the devil incarnate when all she did was tell him she didn't feel anything for him even before there was any relationship to begin with. In fact, I respect her for not wasting anyone's time. It sucks for the OP but we all have crushes and we learn to move on.

 

I don't see why you have to give people the silent treatment just because they might not have feelings in the first place. On the other hand, if they were already in a serious relationship and she said this, then yes, you are right, no contact would probably the way forward.

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Exactly how I feel Kopite. It sucks for me but oh well. I sent her this

 

I understand how you feel. Thanks for being clear.

 

She started to type a reply but then stopped and hasn't replied for 24 hours. I guess she's not interested in being friends either then. She must of met/is talking to someone else.

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