8 1/2 years of lies or love

[Babie-Girl]

I've been with this guy for 8 and 1/2 years, since we were 10 years old. over the years he has cheated on me, dumped me for girls, kissed girls while we were together, flirted with girls, lied to me alot.... every time i gave him another chance and forgave him etc. its true i could never fully trust him again. he has taken almost all of my firsts and i have his. however, i found out recently that he has been seeing this other girl for past three months and that she has also been living with him because she got kicked out her house, even though a few days before i found out, he had asked me to be his girlfriend. i knew something was going on because he was acting different and only saw me once a week etc.... i found out by seeing them in town together holding hands and stuff, even though i caught him, he still lied to me and told me she was his friend. i had to ask her who she was, he also told me that even though he was still sleeping with me, he was also sleeping with her. they went off to talk and after about 30-40 minutes he came to me and told me he was going to leave me. but then we started talking and told me he cant decide now, like his heart was tearing in two. i asked him why he had done this and all he said was that he couldn't take the stress i was putting him through because i couldnt trust him after everything he has done to me, he doesnt take responsibility for anything he has done and every time i brung something up he would always get angry or hit me... for some reason i didn't hate him, i was just so shocked and hurt. he came to my house two days later and told me that she dumped him because he told her that he loved me and wants to be with me. i did believe him and was happy, but when ever id say i dont believe him or something he would always get pissed off and shout and swear at me. but then two days after that my mum and step dad went round his house to get my clothes that was there (which he had hidden btw) and found out that they had not broken up and that he had been lying to me again. by this point i was too hurt and felt so betrayed that i just wanted to hit him. i still love him and want to be with him but i can never forgive him for messing me around for three months. i dunno if he loves me or not.. why would he spend 8 1/2 years with me if he didn't but then why would he continuously hurt me and lie to me if he did..... i don't know how to get over this break up, he was my first love, first sexual partner, first everything... it hurts so much to know that i have to suffer here alone and he still gets to sleep with, hug, snuggle with etc someone and he doesnt even care about me.... i cant get him out of my head.. i don't believe in having sex for fun, i will only have sex with someone if i love them... it makes me wish that i could be like him and not care or feel any emotion and just have sex with people for pleasure.... i do regret ever meeting him but im glad that i got to experience everything good weve done together...