Red123 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 In general does anyone think that there is a safe timeframe for healing from an A as a BS? I have been thinking a lot about this and plan to ask my counselor in our next session. Let's say the WS us working hard, there are no signs of the A continuing and the couple is working toward R, but the BS is still unable to trust. Do you think that there is a timeframe that if that trust( mainly trusting not full) isn't there then the couple should part ways? I see a lot of timeframes that OW/OM give themselves for change to happen but not so much in the BS postings. I'm just wondering what people think I'm not trying to make any decisions right now. Being in my own head with this stuff is not good so I'll send it out for more perspectives. Thanks.
peaksandvalleys Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 In general does anyone think that there is a safe timeframe for healing from an A as a BS? I have been thinking a lot about this and plan to ask my counselor in our next session. Let's say the WS us working hard, there are no signs of the A continuing and the couple is working toward R, but the BS is still unable to trust. Do you think that there is a timeframe that if that trust( mainly trusting not full) isn't there then the couple should part ways? I see a lot of timeframes that OW/OM give themselves for change to happen but not so much in the BS postings. I'm just wondering what people think I'm not trying to make any decisions right now. Being in my own head with this stuff is not good so I'll send it out for more perspectives. Thanks. What is your opinion of how long it should take to build trust? For me if it took years to build, shouldn't it take years to rebuild(possible even longer than the first time around)?
Author Red123 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 What is your opinion of how long it should take to build trust? For me if it took years to build, shouldn't it take years to rebuild(possible even longer than the first time around)? I'm really not sure right now. I guess years makes sense because usually in a new relationship it takes a while to know someone thus building trust over time. I can't say for sure but I kind of feel like I blindly trusted him earlier than I would ever trust someone now. We were 18 when we began and I gave trust a lot easier than I do now. So at this moment I'm not sure what my opinion is as sad as that sounds.
HermioneG Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 In general, the literature points to 2-5 years as the range of normal for recovery. We are at 5+ years. I would say we are successfully reconciled, but it was not until year three that I felt very confident that this was going to work. Full disclosure- I packed his bags and kicked him out, and did not let him return for six months. The 5+ years is the clock that started when we started working towards recovery. I was not sure until then, and he had a heck of a lot of work to do on himself. 3
Author Red123 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 In general, the literature points to 2-5 years as the range of normal for recovery. We are at 5+ years. I would say we are successfully reconciled, but it was not until year three that I felt very confident that this was going to work. Full disclosure- I packed his bags and kicked him out, and did not let him return for six months. The 5+ years is the clock that started when we started working towards recovery. I was not sure until then, and he had a heck of a lot of work to do on himself. Was your decision made because of work he did during those 6 months?
HermioneG Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Was your decision made because of work he did during those 6 months? Yes. He started intensive IC and started facing other issues he had in his life ( parental issues), as well as making it crystal clear that his boundaries were super tight. He proved he was worth a chance.
Author Red123 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Yes. He started intensive IC and started facing other issues he had in his life ( parental issues), as well as making it crystal clear that his boundaries were super tight. He proved he was worth a chance. That's really good to hear. So did the trust start to come back gradually or at a certain time? Sorry for all the questions but that's why I posted to see others experiences/opinions:) 1
Spectre Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I think the healing time could be toned down..if we more or less removed you from society and all social media. Obviously that can't happen, but the problem with that is..triggers. These are the hidden evils of being cheated on. You can be watching a movie and then something you see triggers it. Or you hear someone say something and it triggers more memories. You want something really awkward? Be watching tv or something with the person you cheated..and then a tv show or something comes on with an episode where someone cheats. Yeah..that is all kinds of awkward and painful because you both know exactly what the WS is thinking about: how much pain they are in. It is especially hard to heal if you are living with this person. I think it depends on the person as to how long it takes and sometimes the wound never fully heals. 2
Author Red123 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I think the healing time could be toned down..if we more or less removed you from society and all social media. Obviously that can't happen, but the problem with that is..triggers. These are the hidden evils of being cheated on. You can be watching a movie and then something you see triggers it. Or you hear someone say something and it triggers more memories. You want something really awkward? Be watching tv or something with the person you cheated..and then a tv show or something comes on with an episode where someone cheats. Yeah..that is all kinds of awkward and painful because you both know exactly what the WS is thinking about: how much pain they are in. It is especially hard to heal if you are living with this person. I think it depends on the person as to how long it takes and sometimes the wound never fully heals. Oh yes those lovely triggers. They are everywhere. I wish it was possible to be removed but obviously not possible, so I work through them as they come. 2
snappytomcat Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 hi red my one year since dday was on june 7th,and I do trust my xws somewhat now,I don't want to live my life in a prison of doubt,thats no way to live,so I have chosen to reconcile,and I must take the steps to building trust,and hes doing everything right,to make me feel safe,and secure,now I will never blindly trust him ever again. I aslo think it all depends on each person some might take longer to rebuild that trust,its a long process and each individual decides whats their time frame,
HermioneG Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 That's really good to hear. So did the trust start to come back gradually or at a certain time? Sorry for all the questions but that's why I posted to see others experiences/opinions:) I think it was just gradually, step by step. I think there were steps along the way- and the first one was deciding to reconcile. It built along the way. Around year three, I started to realize I was thinking to myself about how happy I was, and when things would occur, I would realize that I trusted him. I did not even need to think twice. And no one was more surprised by that than I was. When it started, reconciliation, I was worried I would spend my life fighting the urge to go through his pockets or track him. But that wasn't the kind of life I wanted, and it wasn't what happened. The thing I can say to you- is to give it time, and to watch actions. Not words, but actions. 4
HermioneG Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Oh yes those lovely triggers. They are everywhere. I wish it was possible to be removed but obviously not possible, so I work through them as they come. I had trouble with triggers. I actually saw a trauma therapist to help me handle them and learn better ways. That is the gift that will always be there, and you have to decide how to handle it. This week? I was reading a lot- novels. And unexpectedly, in every book, there was infidelity. A few years ago- this would have flattened me. But now for the most part, I handle it and move right by. 2
Author Red123 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Thanks for the responses. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It helps to know I'm not totally insane with my thoughts on this:). Not totally but still a bit off lol.
Davey L Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I don't think you can really put a timeframe on it - like after a certain number of years it suddenly goes from bad to good. It's a gradual thing but it never (or it hasn't so far for me after 18 years) gets back to where it was before. The triggers still happen, but they gradually become less painful. The marriage will never again be what it was before. It might become OK, but things will never again be the same. I don't mean to put you off - you might still have a good marriage ahead - but it won't be the same as before the affair. 2
gettingstronger Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 As you know we are 18 months post dday but our situation is a bit different as our OW continues to intrude (for the latest crazy you can see my thread posted) It does get better but I had hoped to feel so much better 18 months out- I am not excited about being on the far end of the 2-5 year timeline most post about- I guess for me, when I decide enough is enough I will end it- until then I give it my all as does my husband-it all sucks and was so avoidable-I think thats what the final hurdle is- accepting that he could have at any time made a choice to protect me, the family and our marriage and he did not- Clear as mud right? Bottom line- I love him enough to try-right now its worth it- we have lots of good days, lots of great talks, lots of wonderful experiences-no matter how it turns out I will not regret trying- I will not regret honoring my vow "for better or for worse" for as long as its healthy for me and my family- 2
tornapart2002 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I want it to be fast. I want it to be very fast because I swear like I am spinning my tires and most of the time I feel like I will never get pass what he did to me.... HUGE trigger for me this weekend because I was on his FB, typed her name in the search and she was unblocked. I have NO idea why I even typed it there! Reflex from the early days? I don't know. But there she was -- starring at me from his FB account. I confronted him and he said he didn't know she was unblocked and he must have done it by accident when unblocking other people. I don't believe him. At all. He's insisted twice now and deactivated his account until he could block her again. you think the first thing he'd do when he got back on was to block her right? No...and he rolled his eyes when I told him to, but he said later he didn't notice he had even done that. He said he didn't even want to go to her page to block her, that's why he was hesitating. I think he wants her to contact him so he feels like he wasn't used by her and tossed aside, which is the opposite truth. He ended it, but she was using him. And it makes me see him as so pathetic. She lives several states away. He is changing in a lot of ways...but this...this sent me into a spiral of depression. and I'm angry at him all over again... And it really could have been an accident like he said. I honestly have lost my ability to tell if what I am doing is out of paranoia or if it is instinct. 1
tornapart2002 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yes. He started intensive IC and started facing other issues he had in his life ( parental issues), as well as making it crystal clear that his boundaries were super tight. He proved he was worth a chance. Mine won't go back to his IC. Makes me angry because I felt he was making progress.
tornapart2002 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I don't think you can really put a timeframe on it - like after a certain number of years it suddenly goes from bad to good. It's a gradual thing but it never (or it hasn't so far for me after 18 years) gets back to where it was before. The triggers still happen, but they gradually become less painful. The marriage will never again be what it was before. It might become OK, but things will never again be the same. I don't mean to put you off - you might still have a good marriage ahead - but it won't be the same as before the affair. This is how I feel....that it will never be the same again. It is tainted. It is not pure love. There will always be that dark spot hanging over the marriage...worse than other dark spots in marriage because of his choice to go outside our marriage instead of talking to me or trying to find another solution.
compulsivedancer Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I want it to be fast. I want it to be very fast because I swear like I am spinning my tires and most of the time I feel like I will never get pass what he did to me.... HUGE trigger for me this weekend because I was on his FB, typed her name in the search and she was unblocked. I have NO idea why I even typed it there! Reflex from the early days? I don't know. But there she was -- starring at me from his FB account. I confronted him and he said he didn't know she was unblocked and he must have done it by accident when unblocking other people. I don't believe him. At all. He's insisted twice now and deactivated his account until he could block her again. you think the first thing he'd do when he got back on was to block her right? No...and he rolled his eyes when I told him to, but he said later he didn't notice he had even done that. He said he didn't even want to go to her page to block her, that's why he was hesitating. I think he wants her to contact him so he feels like he wasn't used by her and tossed aside, which is the opposite truth. He ended it, but she was using him. And it makes me see him as so pathetic. She lives several states away. He is changing in a lot of ways...but this...this sent me into a spiral of depression. and I'm angry at him all over again... And it really could have been an accident like he said. I honestly have lost my ability to tell if what I am doing is out of paranoia or if it is instinct. When you block someone, you can't see them at all, even if you search for them, unless they have no privacy settings at all and you are signed off. If he doesn't want to see her, he will block her. If he wants to see her, he'll leave her unblocked so she'll show up in his news feed. If he wants to cyberstalk her without you knowing, he'll unsubscribe to her notifications but keep her unblocked (so you'll only know if you look like you did this weekend). Sidenote, since I know people will ask: no, I never did this, but it was sometimes tempting early on. Block her for him, and don't accept his bs response. Tell him you'll pack his bags if it happens again. 3
Author Red123 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I want it to be fast. I want it to be very fast because I swear like I am spinning my tires and most of the time I feel like I will never get pass what he did to me.... HUGE trigger for me this weekend because I was on his FB, typed her name in the search and she was unblocked. I have NO idea why I even typed it there! Reflex from the early days? I don't know. But there she was -- starring at me from his FB account. I confronted him and he said he didn't know she was unblocked and he must have done it by accident when unblocking other people. I don't believe him. At all. He's insisted twice now and deactivated his account until he could block her again. you think the first thing he'd do when he got back on was to block her right? No...and he rolled his eyes when I told him to, but he said later he didn't notice he had even done that. He said he didn't even want to go to her page to block her, that's why he was hesitating. I think he wants her to contact him so he feels like he wasn't used by her and tossed aside, which is the opposite truth. He ended it, but she was using him. And it makes me see him as so pathetic. She lives several states away. He is changing in a lot of ways...but this...this sent me into a spiral of depression. and I'm angry at him all over again... And it really could have been an accident like he said. I honestly have lost my ability to tell if what I am doing is out of paranoia or if it is instinct. Torn, that would send me over the edge too. I would look into it if you feel strongly. You have to unblock someone then a message comes up stating that if you unblock them you have to wait something like 48 hours to re block. That is that reason I have the MOW blocked because I really have to think about the timeframe she can see my stuff if I choose to unblock her. If you go on his page there is a thing called activity log. If you click on it, it has an option that says show all hidden actions, I believe or something along those lines. It will show you all of his activity on there. If you find it was an accident great but if you are feeling he did it purposefully then check it out. As far as him being used, IMO, most As are about that, not all before I get jumped on. But the AP is giving something that the person desires but the person is not willing to give up the rest if their lives to be with the AP because they only fill certain parts. He used her too. I'm sorry your weekend was so bad. 2
TheBladeRunner Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 It will vary from person to person and the situation. Overall I am doing well but there are occasional setbacks. It's my time to have my daughter and when my child insists on calling her mother multiple times like she did yesterday it can rattle me sometimes. Last night my daughter was mad her mom didn't call her back and it creates friction for me and my daughter. It sometimes takes me back to "the old life" for me and my child as well. I didn't start to have solid relief of the pain she caused until about a year after DDay. It does get better with time though. 3
tornapart2002 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Ugh. I'm thread jacking here so I'll try to make this quick: He says he doesn't want to see her and it was an accident. I'm leaning toward believing him. He just told me this again about a half an hour ago. But then he unblocked some other names I had blocked because he said he can't go around trying to block people in real life and if they are going to contact him they are going to find a way tocontact him anyhow. Plus he said he had no idea who some of them were. They are family members of OW, which I blocked for him because I was afraid they would try to get money, etc. out of him. But he said tonight that he doesn't want me to feel like i have to around policing him by blocking people and keeping an eye on him or others. Still, he says he knows I've given him reason to feel that way. But he's right! I can't live that way and I shouldn't have to! He said he's at the point now of getting rid of his social media all together, but I don't want him to do that because I am a paranoid freak right now during my healing process. When you block someone, you can't see them at all, even if you search for them, unless they have no privacy settings at all and you are signed off. If he doesn't want to see her, he will block her. If he wants to see her, he'll leave her unblocked so she'll show up in his news feed. If he wants to cyberstalk her without you knowing, he'll unsubscribe to her notifications but keep her unblocked (so you'll only know if you look like you did this weekend). Sidenote, since I know people will ask: no, I never did this, but it was sometimes tempting early on. Block her for him, and don't accept his bs response. Tell him you'll pack his bags if it happens again.
tornapart2002 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I tell him all the time that he used her too and I'd prefer he stop whining that he was used.... I wanted to shout back today: You were used? Seriously? How about me...I was used as a baby sitter for our son while you ran off and solved our marriage problems by sleeping with someone else and buying her gifts instead of telling me about what you were really feeling. So DON"T FREAKING TELL ME ABOUT BEING USED *******. Yeah, I'm still working on the anger issues, but obviously doing better because I didn't scream it at him like I did in the past. Torn, that would send me over the edge too. I would look into it if you feel strongly. You have to unblock someone then a message comes up stating that if you unblock them you have to wait something like 48 hours to re block. That is that reason I have the MOW blocked because I really have to think about the timeframe she can see my stuff if I choose to unblock her. If you go on his page there is a thing called activity log. If you click on it, it has an option that says show all hidden actions, I believe or something along those lines. It will show you all of his activity on there. If you find it was an accident great but if you are feeling he did it purposefully then check it out. As far as him being used, IMO, most As are about that, not all before I get jumped on. But the AP is giving something that the person desires but the person is not willing to give up the rest if their lives to be with the AP because they only fill certain parts. He used her too. I'm sorry your weekend was so bad. 2
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