realfriends Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 For some reason, maybe its to let the final weight of my shoulder, maybe its something else, but I want to let her know that the ball is forever in her court if she ever wants to start over. Is it a bad idea? How do I got about doing it? Thoughts?
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 It would help if you can give us more deals about your situation.
Author realfriends Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 It would help if you can give us more deals about your situation. Yeah. Sorry about that. 8ish months post BU 7ish months NC ( Said thank you twice from her texting me) 4.5 year relationship I technically broke up but was forced to given the circumstance (cheated) Im sure ill hear why would you want to get back with a cheater and thats not what I'm trying to accomplish here.
zen2475 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Well, yes, considering the circumstances, the ball is in her court. If she is anyone that is worth any more of your time in the future, she knows the ball is in her court and that it's up to her to fix what she has broken. She should know she needs to re-earn your trust and that will take hard work and total consistency of word and deed. Of course, she will only do this if she really wants to reconcile with you and really wants to put forth the effort. Relationships can be mended and move on from cheating, but it takes concerted effort from both sides. She's going to need to prove that she is worthy of your trust, and you will need to learn to truly let the past go and allow her the opportunity to fix things.
Author realfriends Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Well, yes, considering the circumstances, the ball is in her court. If she is anyone that is worth any more of your time in the future, she knows the ball is in her court and that it's up to her to fix what she has broken. She should know she needs to re-earn your trust and that will take hard work and total consistency of word and deed. Of course, she will only do this if she really wants to reconcile with you and really wants to put forth the effort. Relationships can be mended and move on from cheating, but it takes concerted effort from both sides. She's going to need to prove that she is worthy of your trust, and you will need to learn to truly let the past go and allow her the opportunity to fix things. Thank you for this. I really needed this today. Ive been questioning myself all day on my birthday since she contacted me.
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Actually I disagree. I think it's a mistake and I really think it would be a mistake to tell her that. Never leave your balls in anyone else's court. If you want to give her another chance and have another shot at a R with her then take te bull by the horns and lay it all out on the table. You take the initiative and make it happen on YOUR terms. If you don't want her back and don't want to pursue a R with her then politely thank her for the bday wishes and don't say anything more and don't contact her again. Couple reasons for that. One is if you hand over the keys to her, that will tell her she can sht on you and you'll take her back on HER terms at her leisure when it's convenient to her (which will be between BFs and no one better is calling her that day). Yeah yeah you can huff and puff and blow all kinds of smoke by saying what she has to do to earn your trust but she'll know its all smoke and hot air because you are leaving up to her instead of taking you own initiative. The second reason is going to sound sexist and will be very generalist but women simply don't take initiative and instigate relationships well. In general they are respondents and not instigators. Part of their whole nomenclature is to see who is going to pursue them and make them the best offer. There is a term for guys who leave the ball in women's court to determine relationships - they're called CELEBATE! Determine your own fate. If you want this chick back, make the definative moves. She always has the right to decline. If you don't, then leave her be and It won't happen. Just don't be passive and leave it to other people to determine your fate. Even if she does try to reestablish a R, she won't respect you for leaving it up to her and she will sht on you again.
Author realfriends Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 I see what you are saying but if you may, let me tell you why I lean the other way. 1) I feel like that is almost like me begging. Yes its been long NC. But she's the one that chose to end the relationship the way she did. If I try to reestablish anything back with her it could be pointless because for all I know, she's as happy as can be that I am gone. (Its kind of a power struggle thing/ desperate look which if a person is the love of my life it shouldn't matter) 2) For all I know, she could have a new bf. I dont check on anything of hers and have no clue because I dont really want to know 3)Once again, for all I know she believes she made the right decision (I know she regrets it and is truly sorry but you understand what I mean) What does everyone else think? And if this came of sounding like I am bashing your opinion, it wasn't meant to be. I like looking at both ends of the spectrum and really thinking through them.
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yes we desire more what we can't have, and I believe you hope to have what was lost. But be careful of what you wish for, revisiting a broken relationship will not feel the same as before. You will not be fulfilled and getting back with them doesn't get rid of the emptiness that you feel now. Been there, done that. 1
zen2475 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I see what you are saying but if you may, let me tell you why I lean the other way. 1) I feel like that is almost like me begging. Yes its been long NC. But she's the one that chose to end the relationship the way she did. If I try to reestablish anything back with her it could be pointless because for all I know, she's as happy as can be that I am gone. (Its kind of a power struggle thing/ desperate look which if a person is the love of my life it shouldn't matter) 2) For all I know, she could have a new bf. I dont check on anything of hers and have no clue because I dont really want to know 3)Once again, for all I know she believes she made the right decision (I know she regrets it and is truly sorry but you understand what I mean) What does everyone else think? And if this came of sounding like I am bashing your opinion, it wasn't meant to be. I like looking at both ends of the spectrum and really thinking through them. I personally would rather have them come back of their own volition rather than "taking the initiative" and have that come off as begging, and even more importantly, disrespecting their decision. 2
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Stop trying to control. Honor yourself and your dignity. If SHE wants to honor you by moving every necessary mountain to make amends, she will. She does not need your "permission" to access the ball in her court. In fact, she should beg for your permission. Stop giving away your dignity. 2
Author realfriends Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Stop trying to control. Honor yourself and your dignity. If SHE wants to honor you by moving every necessary mountain to make amends, she will. She does not need your "permission" to access the ball in her court. In fact, she should beg for your permission. Stop giving away your dignity. I havnt given away my dignity. Ive been NC for 7 months. I had a thought and thats why I came here to get peoples opinions on the matter.
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