how to escape a mass manipulator??

[corixo]

Help! I need advice.

 

I'm 26 years old, female.

 

I dated guys my entire life. Always been boy crazy. Although always bi curious. I have always considered myself bi sexual even though I never experience girls.

 

I met a girl through Facebook. Were from the same small city. I had plans to move to the big city, where she lives currently. Neither one of us knew when we began talking that she lived there, and I was planning on moving there in three weeks. Tickets were booked.

 

Immediately looking through her Facebook profile pics I was completely in awe. Infatuated. she's beautiful. Not in a typical way. Dark skin, blue eyes, freckles, looks like a guy. No one knows she's a girl unless she tells them otherwise. We have similar features. Freakles, blue eyes, dark skin.

 

Its like she is suppose to be in my life for a reason. A reason I cannot figure out.

 

We talked through texting and phone calls for three weeks before I arrived in the new city.

 

The day I got here. We met up, immediately hit it off. I fell fast. We spent our time running around the city together. Its been about a little over a month now and we spend almost everyday together.

 

She has a girlfriend of 8 years. She has another girl friend of two years. She has two other girls.

 

I knew this getting involved to begin with but it couldn't be stopped..

 

She is unlike anyone I ever met before. Her mind. Everything. She had an extremely rough life. She is a master manipulator. She's a pathological liar. Although I see all of her good qualitys, I see her bad.

I want out. I want to leave.. I don't want to be apart of her lifestyle anymore. She is constant drama. Although I have developed strong feelings for her. And enjoy our time together, its not worth my sanity. I tried to leave her 5 times already but I can't escape her. I told her the other day I needed to talk to her, I tried talking and tried leaving. She didn't listen to a word I said and just kept kissing me and telling me the things I want to hear.

 

I honestly do believe she cares about me. The best way she can. But this will never go in a positive direction and I know this.

 

I cant escape her. Someone please share some advice on how to leave a mass manipulator

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless and until you recognize your own self-worth, you won't leave. You have to first realize that she doesn't treat you well (you are, after all, only a side piece to her) You then have to ask yourself why you're willing to tolerate that. Why don't you value yourself enough to leave her in the dust?

 

She's not some magical being, sent into your life for a special reason. She's a cheater and liar, and she knows how to exploit your weak spots for her own benefit. The truth is that you can escape, but for some reason you don't really want to. You have to look inside yourself and find out why.

[smackie9]

I agree with the above poster. You are focusing on too much on how she makes you feel and not how badly she treats you.

 

To get away from this person is up to you and your own strength. First focus on the negative. Next start deleting all contact information, shut down your FB page, change your cel number. You do not have to meet her and tell her it's over....you do not owe her that. Just disappear.

[babycakees]

This is terrible. Have some respect for yourself and stop seeing her. She doesn't love you or anyone else for that matter. I'm so sorry.

[corixo]

I find deleting all social media and changing my phone number is extremely cowardly.

 

I'm not going to run like that although I have thought about it. I stand up to her I'm not afraid of that. She doesn't use mean words or get physical. I'm not afraid of her, but I want to make her understand I am leaving and there is nothing she can do about it because I don't want to put up with her behaviour.

 

I just want advice on how to make her understand that. I want to use a pyschological tactic that will work.

 

Running away is not the answer I am looking for. First of all, she's friends with my friends. Everyone I know here, she knows here. So I can't avoid her. I just want a way to tell her I'm no longer staying and a way for her to accept that

[ja123]

I just want advice on how to make her understand that. I want to use a pyschological tactic that will work.

 

 

 

There isn't a psychological tactic that can work. You won't be able to make her understand.

 

 

Master manipulators are narcissists. You might want to google that.

 

 

She is having a one-sided conversation. This is not a dialogue.

 

 

Do not internalize that she cannot "hear", "understand", or "react" to what you're saying, to your perspective, etc.

 

 

She will not change.

 

 

Only you can change your approach.

 

 

If you are not willing to go "no contact" with her, then you'll probably need to be burned by her enough times for the above to sink in and you to high-tail it outta there.

 

 

You need to ask why you're taking her bait?

 

 

Are there any other people in your life that treat you like this?

[smackie9]

Guess what, telling her does not work, you have already done that. As long as you have contact with her, she will keep manipulating you. You are not running away, you are making a statement that you are serious that you want her out of your life. SHE KNOWS you want her gone, but SHE KNOW as long as she can talk to you, she will not stop.

 

When you have some space between you, you will be able to not fall for her "tactics"

 

Remember you are the emotionally weak one here. You are not strong enough to physically stand up to her....not yet. You definitely need time to rise this girl off you.

[writergal]

Mass manipulators like her lack empathy. While you suffer, she's as cold as ice. She will never understand why you need to leave the relationship because she doesn't care about you. She never did. She just used you and you admit that you know this about her.

 

I agree that you need to Google "narcissist." She sounds like one for sure. They are extremely manipulative and are incapable of having a real emotional connection with another person.

 

As long as you stay connected to her via your social networks, she will continue to manipulate you and your mutual friends. Mutual friends always choose sides, even if they claim otherwise. People always choose sides.

 

They will either support her or support you but don't expect them to support you both. Figure out who your real friends are out of your mutual group by telling everyone that you can't be with this woman anymore and tell them why. The people who genuinely care about you will support you, whereas the others will claim neutrality (which is a lie, by the way), or will choose her side. That happens when friendships or romantic relationships end. People always take sides.

 

If you don't want this woman in your life, then you need to take her off your social media. Its the best way and it's not cowardly at all. It's proactive and shows her that you don't need her anymore. It cuts off her access to you which is a good thing.

[preraph]

I find deleting all social media and changing my phone number is extremely cowardly.

 

I'm not going to run like that although I have thought about it. I stand up to her I'm not afraid of that. She doesn't use mean words or get physical. I'm not afraid of her, but I want to make her understand I am leaving and there is nothing she can do about it because I don't want to put up with her behaviour.

 

I just want advice on how to make her understand that. I want to use a pyschological tactic that will work.

 

Running away is not the answer I am looking for. First of all, she's friends with my friends. Everyone I know here, she knows here. So I can't avoid her. I just want a way to tell her I'm no longer staying and a way for her to accept that

 

 

No, no, no, no. You're going about this all wrong. She's got her own agenda and she's not even listening to you. The ONLY way to get away from toxic people especially those who manipulate you to get you to stay is to stop all communications with them and do as the above poster suggested. All you are doing by saying you want her to understand is proving that you don't really want to stop having a relationship with her. You can't change people like that. And why you'd want to on someone who is a chronic liar and using and abusing everyone is just unhealthy. You can't believe anything she says anyway, so she will just tell you whatever she thinks will work.

 

If you want out, the only way is to get out. If you want to keep taking part in the drama, then you don't want out.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are wasting your time looking for a "psychological tactic." It is futile because she just doesn't give a toss. She is a self-absorbed person who does not empathize. Whatever you say to her will more than likely just go in one ear and straight out the other. She doesn't care. You simply cannot make someone like her pay attention to your feelings.

 

Simply tell her you're not going to remain in this position and then move on with your life. Stop hanging out with her and taking her calls, responding to her messages. Be done with her. It's not up to you to make her understand that what she's doing is hurtful. Your objective here should be to protect yourself and convince yourself that you deserve better.

[truth_seeker]

Option 1 - move back home RIGHT NOW!

 

Option 2 - go cold on this woman, ie, block her on social media, and block her phone number. I had a couple of "friends" behave like this woman and the best course of action was to delete them permanently from my life. It worked and wished I did it sooner.

[writergal]

No, no, no, no. You're going about this all wrong. She's got her own agenda and she's not even listening to you. The ONLY way to get away from toxic people especially those who manipulate you to get you to stay is to stop all communications with them and do as the above poster suggested. All you are doing by saying you want her to understand is proving that you don't really want to stop having a relationship with her. You can't change people like that. And why you'd want to on someone who is a chronic liar and using and abusing everyone is just unhealthy. You can't believe anything she says anyway, so she will just tell you whatever she thinks will work.

 

If you want out, the only way is to get out. If you want to keep taking part in the drama, then you don't want out.

 

Exactly!! We've all had personal experience with manipulators like yours OP. The only way to get out is to delete her from your phone and your social media. Period. If you don't want to end things with her, then don't. But as long as you are still connected to her digitally and socially, she'll continue to manipulate you. If you really don't want that, you know what you need to do.

[Omei]

I find deleting all social media and changing my phone number is extremely cowardly.

 

I'm not going to run like that although I have thought about it. I stand up to her I'm not afraid of that. She doesn't use mean words or get physical. I'm not afraid of her, but I want to make her understand I am leaving and there is nothing she can do about it because I don't want to put up with her behaviour.

 

I just want advice on how to make her understand that. I want to use a pyschological tactic that will work.

 

Running away is not the answer I am looking for. First of all, she's friends with my friends. Everyone I know here, she knows here. So I can't avoid her. I just want a way to tell her I'm no longer staying and a way for her to accept that

 

 

Removing her from media is not cowardly at all but a necessity, why keep someone who you no longer want around around? Seeing their updates would be pointless and same for them regarding you.

 

You will never be able to make her understand manipulators are usually that way for life you leaving will likely have no effect or change on her, manipulators often see other people as the socially wrong ones and think their views are righteous, they deal with people this way their whole lives but they are in fact the awkward ones.

[truth_seeker]

they deal with people this way their whole lives but they are in fact the awkward ones.

 

Not awkward - more like psychotic!

[corixo]

I really understand and appreciate all of your opinions.

Now its a little more complicated than you think. I really do want to leave. I have it dead set in my mind, but I owe her money. So I want to pay her back the money she has lent me then leave.

 

Ugh. I honestly feel trapped and I do not know how I ended up in this situation.

[Dallers]

The Alpha female. Just think of the power she has, the male version but in the body of a female. It is unimaginable power! OP just allow it, enjoy it and let it end of its own accord.

 

People like me would dream for such a woman!

[ja123]

The Alpha female. Just think of the power she has, the male version but in the body of a female. It is unimaginable power! OP just allow it, enjoy it and let it end of its own accord.

 

People like me would dream for such a woman!

 

 

 

It sounds like you're confusing an honourable BDSM dominant role with what she truly is.

 

 

Please, don't disrespect BDSM. Thank you.

[smackie9]

Stop making up excuses.....send her a check in the mail.

[spiderowl]

You do seem to have a lot of insight into the situation. I can see that owing her money is a problem. Would it take long to pay it back? Could you tell he you will pay her back an amount monthly and then disappear, just send her a cheque every month to keep your side of the arrangement? She might not want to do this if she wants to manipulate you, but it would look better in a court, if she ever decided to push it this far, if you could prove you have been doing this.

 

It might help to write down the ways in which she is managing to manipulate you. Are you afraid of offending her? Does she make you feel cared for and so you are reluctant to sever links? Are you afraid of losing all your other friends if you lose her? Maybe working out exactly how she's working you will help you to distance yourself a bit and to fight these tactics?

[writergal]

Stop making up excuses.....send her a check in the mail.

 

 

 

Exactly! Put a check in the mail and call it a day.

[ascendotum]

I really understand and appreciate all of your opinions.

Now its a little more complicated than you think. I really do want to leave. I have it dead set in my mind, but I owe her money. So I want to pay her back the money she has lent me then leave.

 

Ugh. I honestly feel trapped and I do not know how I ended up in this situation.

 

Are you still regularly having sex with her?

What if you said you met a guy and crazy in love with him, so no more affection from you to her or vice versa?

What if you said you received a bad 'likely but but certain' medical diagnosis,and it has hit you hard (depression) and you need time to yourself to deal with this. It means you go NC on her but also much reduced contact with your mutual friends. Its corny but an option.

[corixo]

Ways I'm being manipulated:

 

Her constant lies. And made up story's/ excuses. I stare at her and I see right through her. At first I didn't, but from time and time again I'm quickly getting to know her and I don't believe anything she says.

 

Her false promises. Such as, leaving her gfs for me telling me she doesn't care about the other two women.

 

False promises as going on trips, shopping, dates. Etc. Etc. She'll be like "tomorrow we're gonna take a trip, just me and you".. But they never happen. I don't even expect it anymore unjust laugh really cause I wonder if she actually believes the things she tells me.

 

Whenever I confront her about her lies or drama, she'll turn the situation around on me. & basically blame me for her bs

 

She is trying to now control who I hang around with. She freaks out if I try to go out for a night with certain people.

 

I came to this city to be free.. I feel far from free right now.

 

There are good qualitys too don't get me wrong

But the bad definitely outweighs the good

[ExpatInItaly]

So how soon can you pay her back? Give her the money you owe and be done with it.