Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 3 days nc with my ex of a year and a half. I'm starting to have a lot of guilt, depression, anxiety, loathing, etc. I'm forgetting all the bad stuff she did to me, and thinking everything was my fault. She was diagnosed with depression, at a young age. And I'm almost certain she has bpd, fits every single category on it perfectly. A little about us. We were a perfect couple for 8 months, worked together and it was the best time of my life. At 8 months, she stopped taking medicine. **** went downhill fast. A whole different person emerged. She would fight with me, hurt me, say things that made no sense at all, then hours later act like things were fine. Completely forget anything she said or did, then do it again. This happened daily. One night she even slept at another guy's house and went nc until the day after, because we had an argument. We lived together for a while, and it continued. What I feel guilty about is the fact that I never paid any attention to her, ignored her needs, never took her out anywhere, never hung out with her. I mean yeah I saw her for a while each day to give her a kiss and cook her dinner, other than that I was unable to handle her mood swings, so I sat in my room and just played video games to escape the stress. I know now how badly that was, after reading up on the disorders. For months I simply didn't even care to see her, I hoped for her to hang out with her friends so I could be away from all of it. I got what was coming to me, we had a fight over the phone, really bad. She broke up with me. A month later, she slept with a guy she had been hanging out with, because he had been giving her the attention that I couldn't. I was destroyed. We had still lived together, she still came home, and slept in our bed, and we still cuddled with each other, yet she went out and had sex with another guy, twice. There's more to everything, but I tried making this shorter than my other posts. She's in another state now, she decided to move because she realized what she had did and needs to fix herself and go back on medicine. I just feel so guilty because I wasn't there for her, I feel like I screwed up so horribly, but how was I supposed to know how to deal with those type of things..
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 You are missing the closeness of having someone. It's natural. You know in your head she needs more professional medical help then you can give her. Plus she has to stay on her meds. In time you will heal & realize ending this was the best thing for you. She is in another state. You won't bump into each other. Take some time for yourself & heal.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 It's true, she's far more gone than I could possibly help. She's the complete opposite of what she used to be. At least to me anyways. She still talks to guys like they're her best buddies. But then I'm basically her enemy that she wants nothing to do with. I'm trying to heal and cope now. Her moving definitely was the best thing for me. I just keep having extreme moments of depression and guilt. I'm pretty screwed up after all of this. I know for a fact she treated me like such crap, and I was always scared of coming home to an episode. Yet it hurts. We had the greatest of memories when she was actually taking medicine. I'm not sure if it'd be worth it to start over in a year when she comes back down. As much as I'd want to, this crap hurts man
Justaguy30 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I dealt with a bpd woman in a relationship and she was all nice and sweet and calm until she started cheating on me which is when the mood swings and rage started. She would seemingly have no recollection of her actions including hitting me. It was horrible. Be glad that you are done with it, you cannot help her. She will have to help herself. I also spent a lot of time feeling horrible as if I could have helped or done things differently but the fact is that is who she is and its not who you want to be with. Don't feel bad, her actions and emotions are owned by her not you. Move on
Author Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Same thing with me. She started to see the other guy and would get even more angry at me, hitting me and everything. I just don't understand, the first 8 months, when she was on medicine, she was normal and wouldn't have ever considered doing what she did. If a guy hit on her, she'd call me and tell me right then and there and tell me and want me to be with her so I would be there so it wouldn't happen again. She'd tell guys to **** off and everything she's not diagnosed with bpd, she hasn't seen a doctor yet, but she shows the symptoms so much
stillfiguringitallou Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I I just keep having extreme moments of depression and guilt. I'm pretty screwed up after all of this. I know for a fact she treated me like such crap, and I was always scared of coming home to an episode. Yet it hurts. We had the greatest of memories when she was actually taking medicine. I'm three months out - and with the exception of returning a few belongings, NC for about three weeks until he sucked me back into the circle Friday and I've been NC again since then. Now he is about as filtered as I can get him, his only recourse at this point would be to come to my home (unless he changed his number I suppose) and while I have moments, when I feel like you do now, they are just that - moments. Maybe 2 - 3 minutes a day - maybe not for weeks. A half hour a week later. It does get easier. And it's fine to remember how good it was, the thing about relationhips with PDs is they always start out so so so good. And when they are on an upcycle it is so good you WANT to believe the last bad was just a fluke. It takes time and reflection and NC to realize it wasn't a fluke, or a mistake, it is a behavior pattern. I got that when purging my things, email, letters written, texts. Seeing the pattern, believeing this time would be different. And then the contact - degrading - disrespectful - grandiose. And having just gone over our history it just snapped into place, even that, was part of the cycle. Giving me the silent treatment, until I either got so frustrated I would go "hey fine - your way, thanks for the memories and I wish you the best" and he wouldn't hear from me ... then he would reach back out all condenscending like he just did. I'd be far enough out my anger was gone, and the hook would sink back in. "Didn't I understand how much he had going on. I should have been more paceint, compassionate, understanding. That he is "sorry you are hurting, and my actions caused your pain. but..." (notice he is not saying I'm sorry I hurt you here, but sorry my perfectly normal actions, caused you to feel pain) and the compassion for his situation and the fact that he is unstable but "wants to get better" would kick in. And I'd say "Fine if you need something call me, but for right now I don't want to restablish any sort of bond" or "If we are going to be friends we need to establish boundaries we are both comfortable with" (this is something he said made it seem like I was breaking up with him and how that was "unatural" to feel the need to set boundaries with a friend, we were not a couple) but it was always the start. And the harder I resisted and ignored him the nicer he got, and the more I resisted then - the more over the top he got. So just remember, BPD is NOT a mental health disease, the medications can lessen the behaviors by helping them have better control of their emotions for longer periods, but it cannot change WHO THEY ARE, and so the cycle - on some level - will always exist unless the get intensive, self threatening, self realizing, and for them scary and intimidating therapy. Best wishes to you. Kepp strong, keep NC, stay NC and you'll start to realize just what a rollercoaster - loop de loop you were on.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 She did apologize. We went two weeks of her groveling and begging me back, doing anything she could. But it ended up being too much for her to see me, because she'd start crying whenever she saw me, then have episodes of anger and didn't want to do that to me anymore, that's why she moved a couple thousand miles away I know for a fact she would have never cheated on me before. She had guys trying to talk to her left and right and always ignored them because I'm definitely enough for her. Attractive, intelligent, great lover very great, great body, big things ahead of me, all around awesome. I don't have an ego, I just simply know myself. That's why none of it makes sense. Why leave me, then do things with a guy that lives with his parents, looks like a truck hit him,(I'm friends with his ex and she always told me how chubby and gross he was, and how bad he was at everything) typical looking trailer trash. She told me she had just given up on me and gave up on trying with me around the time she stopped taking medicine. But if that were true, why move in with me, why stay with me, why continue a relationship for 6 months?
stillfiguringitallou Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Yeah he usually apologizes too - after I just stop talking to him. You have to look at it this way - either she'll be back in a year (even if you don't contact her for the whole year) or she won't. Probably 3 - 6 months into this you will be leaning towards hoping she doesn't come back, doesn't mean you didn't love her, or have stopped. It means you started loving yourself more. Enough that you don't feel comfortable with how she treated you, you don't feel complacent about it. Then if in a year, of no contact, taking care of and really getting to know you if she comes back and you REALLY think it's the risk, you can do that. But I'm betting if you do NC the right way, not just because people are telling you to - or she wants you too - but to work on your stuff, then you'll probably be glad when/if she doesn't.
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 That's good solid advice. Its exactly what I'm thinking is going to happen. As of right now though I just think "I should of done this and that, Idk why I didn't do this" I can't remember why I didn't pay attention to her. But I know myself, and I wouldn't of ignored her for no reason. I just don't remember the reasons. Most likely because of her issues and her constantly being resentful towards me. It just sucks ya know. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm down about it. I get hit with so much guilt and get so upset at times and nobody is there to help me. That's why I came to this site, because people here actually listen, and have been through it all. As have I, yet nothing ever like this. I'm definitely staying nc. When she's back on medicine, she's going to finally realize everything and come crying back. But I'm not gonna be there. I just wish I didn't have these doubts and thoughts in my head, some days I'll think she was an angel and I ****ed up. Really stupid stuff.
stillfiguringitallou Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 I completely understand where you are coming from I do. If you look through my past posts you can see where I went through the same thing with my ex, I even did take him back. Let's just say - everytime you let them come back - it just gets worse the next time.
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