jackslife Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 There's another thread on LS by a man whose wife can't have sex (allegedly) and won't 'take care' of him physically. The response to this thread has been pretty much unequivocal. If she won't have MC and compromise in that area then he should divorce rather than be in a sexless marriage. My point has always been that he was wrong to have the affair, BUT... the OP being unwilling or unable to have sex created a situation where he went elsewhere. She denied her H one of his most fundamental reasons for existing, and yet she (and a lot of the bloggers on here) didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Well she is wrong and so are they. Clearly what he actually should have done is told her that unless the sex started again he'd divorce her. To the H maybe the affair was an easier option. 1
waterwoman Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) The menopause isn't something women choose to go through. It's not an option like having a baby or moving house ! It is (or can be for many women) a maelstrom of hormones and emotions that bring along with it a whole raft of unpleasant physical symptoms. You feel old, ugly, worthless, unfeminine, past-it. Not only do you not want sex all that much but you can't help feeling that no-one would want to have sex WITH you. So if your partner doesn't understand all that (and why would they?) and they don't step up to the plate to support you, or at least show some understanding, things are simply going to spiral. HRT can help (it helped me a bit, not much but a bit), but it carries it's own health risks, a change in lifestyle can help a lot. But in the end it's just something fairly horrible that happens to a woman whether she wants it to or not. For a man who (presumably) loves that woman to decide unitlaterally that the situation is so unbearable for him (for HIM! Ha!) that he is going to have an affair, is the most cruel and unreasonable decision I can imagine. He should talk, listen, offer sympathy and understanding, and at some point along the line you mention that you aren't happy, that inspite of your sympathy, you really feel the marriage isn't going to thrive without regular sexual contact, and then you make it clear you will carry on supporting and being loving but that it's a two-way street and no sex will eventually lead to no marriage. Then the ball is in her court. You don't spring an affair as a fait accompli on an menopausal woman. Edited to say sorry for ranting .. Edited July 10, 2014 by waterwoman comment 1
dichotomy Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Have said it before and will say it again. There are two main reasons to have sex 1) For you and your drive/needs/pleasure/emotions/self esteem/gain 2) For the other's (love one's) drive/needs/pleasure/etc Not just sex - much of a marriage or family life is doing things for others when "your not in the mood". Some tolerance and understanding of a drop or weeks/months pause in sex after a major illness, accident, sickness, birth of child, or body change is being loving as well..... but sex is so important and sex is so much more than just PIV - so many ways for two loving people to express and give sexual intimacy - even well into old age and through all sorts of body and medical challenges. It sounds as though maybe OP's husband did not lay it on the line, and I don't know how long we are talking here without sex. But I also find it hard (and I speak from personal experience) to go from "I am hurting from the withdrawal of sexual intimacy" to "I will divorce you or cheat on you unless this resumes" Edited July 10, 2014 by dichotomy
beach Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 harrybrown: I found out after a night out where he acted out of character so I asked him if we were ok and if he was seeing someone else. He stormed off, which indicated a guilty man to me so I looked at his phone - it said it all. What indicated he was ending his affair? Did he tell his OW it was over? Or did he tell you that?
Author Why Now Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 How long had you been sexless? Just wondering if we're talking about a couple months, 6 mo, years?? [Not that it's a reason to cheat...in fact a male friend of mine (definitely self respecting & hot blooded ) got divorced after 8 years sexless + sleeping in separate bedroom and he never once cheated.] I had an accident in summer 2011 and it petered off after that coupled with the menopause, which then became more intense. It then just went unmentioned as his sex drive isn't particularly high and mine had by that time left the planet.
Author Why Now Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 How do you now that he was just about to end the affair, but you found out first? If he told you that, why on earth would you beleive him when he had just been lying to you about the affair for a year? If he wrote it in a letter to his lover, why would you beleive that he would have the strength to end it when his weakness was why he could not resist starting it in the first place? It is common for people in an affair to feel guilty and to always be talking about ending it, but until the have the fortitude to actually end it, it is just talk. I agree that I thought it was just talk - but I talked and talked about the timeline of his affair and he probably got into something that was harder to get out of without the OW potentially exposing him (she is quite unstable and would have just broken down at work to expose him) so he thinks it was mainly fear kept him in it a lot longer than he should have been.
Author Why Now Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) There's another thread on LS by a man whose wife can't have sex (allegedly) and won't 'take care' of him physically. The response to this thread has been pretty much unequivocal. If she won't have MC and compromise in that area then he should divorce rather than be in a sexless marriage. My point has always been that he was wrong to have the affair, BUT... the OP being unwilling or unable to have sex created a situation where he went elsewhere. She denied her H one of his most fundamental reasons for existing, and yet she (and a lot of the bloggers on here) didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Well she is wrong and so are they. Clearly what he actually should have done is told her that unless the sex started again he'd divorce her. To the H maybe the affair was an easier option. My H had someone offer sex - yes she made all the moves. I mean what self respecting female would happily just turn up at someones hotel room for a few hours give sex and leave. Oh yes, that would be an unpaid prostitute, but again he could have said no. He now realises that all the damage is done and that it was not the right choice to make and how his life is now on the line so to speak. As I have stated I will give it until next year to see if this hurt and pain/anger of a betrayal subsides otherwise it is divorce for me. Edited July 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Why Now Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 What indicated he was ending his affair? Did he tell his OW it was over? Or did he tell you that? He had ended it in Sept but she lured him back 2 weeks later - he could see how foolish that was and planned an exit strategy where there would be quite a length of time before he would have to see her again even if she broke down at work and exposed him - he was prepared for that. He was more worried that she might contact me. When I found out I made him leave - he went to hers, not somewhere you would go if you were planning on dumping them the following week, which I question why he didn't go to his parents, friends house or a hotel. He knew she wanted him to live with her so he took the easiest way out. But within a day he realised this was a terrible mistake and he awoke from his fantasy and begged to come home.
jackslife Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) My H had someone offer sex - yes she made all the moves. I mean what self respecting female would happily just turn up at someones hotel room for a few hours give sex and leave. Oh yes, that would be an unpaid prostitute, but again he could have said no. He now realises that all the damage is done and that it was not the right choice to make and how his life is now on the line so to speak. As I have stated I will give it until next year to see if this hurt and pain/anger of a betrayal subsides otherwise it is divorce for me. My apologies, I thought you were looking for an answer was why your husband had an affair. Just because you don't like the answers you get doesn't mean they aren't valid. You say your husband had a low sex drive, but it clearly wasn't low enough to stop him going elsewhere for it. A lack of sex and intimacy from you ultimately led to an affair. Edited July 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Snowflower Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) WhyNow...I'm sorry for your pain. I've been in your shoes in a quite similar situation with my husband. Please don't entirely discount the posts of those who write harsh things. Sometimes there is an element of truth in those posts and from those posts are where we learn the most. If we only listened to the "Now, now, sweetie, your H was a horrible piece of cr*p for cheating on you. You did not deserve this..." this all true but not really helpful. I find myself agreeing (somewhat reluctantly) with what jack posts. I know because I've been there. Anyway, what I am not clear on is how long your marriage was sex-deprived before your H's affair. Was it a few months or did it go on for years? Did you at one time have a good sex life with your husband? Edited July 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
beatcuff Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 ...she did want to work on me alone but I didn't want to delve back into my childhood too much TV. its not always like that. you drive the discussion. you dictate the topics. I have suggested that we resume mc but he thinks we can get exactly what we need now online. then you go, alone. while it is much better for an MC to have both sides, MC can still offer insights, advice and direction based on your facts and their experience with other couples. that is what you are really paying for --- anyone can complete a tax return, you go to a preparer for their experiences based on the hundreds of returns they do each year. and on-line does NOT count. its much harder to lie, divert or otherwise face to face.
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