Why Now Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Married for 17 years and wh has been unfaithful with a co worker for nearly a year. He travels a lot in his work and spends time in hotels most weeks. It has been 7 months since dday and it has been very, very hard to come to terms with any of it. He says he was very down and this ap made him feel alive again by stroking his ego and then throwing herself at him. I do believe that he would never have looked to have an affair as this was totally out of character for him as he was always the good, reliable family man with values - I am just so shocked that this is now part of our lives! We have had some mc and are now going it alone. I have told him that I will give it until next year and if I feel that I can't get over and live with this betrayal then I want a divorce. That seems to me to be an acceptable amount of time to allow for some healing and for him to show how much he is committed to our relationship (which he is very remorseful and wants nothing more than our marriage to continue). I will give more details later as for now it is too upsetting.
fellini Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Sorry to hear you are going through this. My WS said basically the same thing. Depression (personal thing), feeling low, got a huge boast of affirmation and attention from a co-worker, and then felt alive again. Remorse followed dday (15 months ago). I noticed two separate issues in your post though: What the WS has to do to prove to you the commitment to the marriage. (Good) Whether you can get over this (Right. Same here, it's no longer about what SHE DOES per se, it's about if I want to live with this betrayal) Third thing you might add to your list of "must haves" is him working on HOW he responds to internal issues. First of all, he was feeling low - this is insufficient in a marriage to throw oneself at another human being for sexual and emotional gratification. What I am saying is HIS REASONS (ego) need to be separated from his ACTIONS (justification / decisions) because this is where the real problem lies. WE all have many strategies at our disposal for dealing with issues we find ourselves overwhelmed by. He needs to learn that having an affair is NOT an OPTION. And he needs to find ways to overcome his lack of self respect. Seems to me the first thing one has to ask is about his personal level of happiness. We all have a base happiness. The problem is when we rely on others to feed that base rather than doing things we enjoy in order to feed them ourselves. The only person in the world who should be feeding his happiness level is YOU. Im not sure you will be over this in one year's time, but perhaps what you meant to say is, in one year's time you will know better if you want to CONTINUE reconciliation, or ABANDON it. Im not sure anyone gets over this in even one year, so I can tell you now if you mean "completely over it", you might as throw in the towel now! But I don't think that's what you meant in your initial post. Good luck with this. Married for 17 years and wh has been unfaithful with a co worker for nearly a year. He travels a lot in his work and spends time in hotels most weeks. It has been 7 months since dday and it has been very, very hard to come to terms with any of it. He says he was very down and this ap made him feel alive again by stroking his ego and then throwing herself at him. I do believe that he would never have looked to have an affair as this was totally out of character for him as he was always the good, reliable family man with values - I am just so shocked that this is now part of our lives! We have had some mc and are now going it alone. I have told him that I will give it until next year and if I feel that I can't get over and live with this betrayal then I want a divorce. That seems to me to be an acceptable amount of time to allow for some healing and for him to show how much he is committed to our relationship (which he is very remorseful and wants nothing more than our marriage to continue). I will give more details later as for now it is too upsetting.
harrybrown Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Did he confess or did you find out on your own? Sometimes if the confession was on his own, that can show more remorse than if you found out another way. So sorry that you are having this horrible experience.
dichotomy Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) 1) He says he was very down and this ap made him feel alive again by stroking his ego and then throwing herself at him. 2) I do believe that he would never have looked to have an affair as this was totally out of character for him as he was always the good, reliable family man with values - I am just so shocked that this is now part of our lives! 1) Ok - why was he "down" and in need of "ego stroking"? Was there something missing in his life? midlife crisis? depression? Health issues? Loss? Job issues? or maybe he did he feel you did not admire or desire him as a man? Was there other issues in the marriage that made him feel this need? Or what? I think this is important to understand as you attempt to reconcile - it matters why he felt in this position to accept the advances of another woman (is that what really happened ? OW pounced on him?) 2) Well this is a good thing. You got a good husband and family man at the core. It also sounds like just before dDay - he was in the process of ending affair- which again speaks that he still had some of his core values and knew it was wrong. So maybe temporary insanity? - which brings us back to #1. I think personally if you can understand the "why" and you truly believe you are married to someone who has the right core values and beliefs - but slipped - you have a chance of reconciliation. Edited July 6, 2014 by dichotomy 1
Author Why Now Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 fellini: He was depressed but didn't know why as we had just moved up to a bigger house, his job was really good, no money worries. Only thing was the lack of intimacy due to my menopause - but I still loved him. He says that she complimented him for quite a while before it went further and her being attracted to him made her attractive (he said she wasn't really his type). You are right about the time scale for continuing reconciliation or abandon it and not to be totally over it. I understand it can take years to be accepting of it, if at all. 1
Author Why Now Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 harrybrown: I found out after a night out where he acted out of character so I asked him if we were ok and if he was seeing someone else. He stormed off, which indicated a guilty man to me so I looked at his phone - it said it all. 2
beatcuff Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Married for 17 years [snip] I have told him that I will give it until next year very fair and reasonable for the BOTH of you. actions in high emotions are often regretted. We have had some mc and are now going it alone. confused? why did you stop? how long did you go? i am concerned because you were too "upset" to provide the details. i appears YOU have a lot of work to do. i would start by going back to MC and then you starting with an IC. best of luck.
gettingstronger Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Similar story here- married a long time, had achieved quite a bit, etc.. it was the ego boost he didn't realize he needed until it was shown to him- also suffers from depression, etc... While I was perfectly happy with what we had achieved and felt really good about it- it seems that once the rush of achievement began to wan for him the need for an ego stroke to combat his depression kicked it- Its not an excuse-hes a full grown, successful man with a woman (me) that he knew full well loved him and would have helped him if he just talked to me- he claims he was embarrassed to be so greedy as to need me to stoke his ego considering how long we had been together and how much I have helped him on the way- its still unreal to me that he wasn't embarrassed to lie to me, that it was preferable over honesty-but thats how the affair mind works I suppose- He would give anything to have made a different choice, but he can't undo it so we work on reconciling and we both suffer for his choices- Boy, that sounded like a downer- sorry- just trying to let you know what you are feeling is normal and it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to reconcile- Hugs to you!
Author Why Now Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 dichotomy: 1. Depression was the cause but he hid it. She was there at that moment I suppose, but he could have said no. He regrets every minute of last year and has realised that it is easy to get into but much harder to get out of - he was hoping that she would become tired of being the other woman and drop him but the opposite happened. 2. He knew it was wrong and felt guilty about it but it didn't stop him. He was able to compartmentalise the two lives he had. It was new and thrilling not to mention the illicitness of it all. I sometimes still churn over whether he would have been able to finish it with her completely or dip in and out for the foreseeable had I not discovered it. 1
turnera Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 Here are two books you need to read: First, read Surviving An Affair. It explains a lot about affairs and the aftermath. Read it just for the education. Together. Second, read His Needs Her Needs. Both are by Harley. It explains how to have an 'affair-proof' marriage. In other words, how to keep each other happy enough that neither would consider cheating (again) or leaving. It explains SO much about how marriages work. If you do the homework from the second book, I think you'll have a marriage much better than ever.
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 What's to keep him from cheating when/if a new gal makes him feel special again? This really is about him. It's about what he's willing to do to change himself on the inside so he doesn't NEED those ego strokes. What is he doing to change? What is he doing to repair the damage and trust that he ruined? What consequences has he had? What is he doing to fend off his depression?
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 What indicated he was going to end it? What did you learn in MC? What is the purpose now for IC - and what exactly is being accomplished now by going to IC? Is he coming home from his IC sessions and sharing with you what he realizes about himself after each session - or is he staying silent throughout his process?
Author Why Now Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 beatcuff: we had mc for about 8 weeks, she did want to work on me alone but I didn't want to delve back into my childhood - those boxes are far too dusty to be moved. I have suggested that we resume mc but he thinks we can get exactly what we need now online.
Author Why Now Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 gettingstronger: our stories sound very similar - thanks for the hugs turnera: thanks for the book recommendations beach: any contact with females is now strictly on a professional level - before it was hugging and a little flirting, which he has now realised can be an easy line to cross. In future if he is feeling low he has promised to speak to me and if need be see a doctor about it he was going to end it the following week as he could then put some distance between him and her due to his job - having had to work closely with her for the previous few months neither of us had ic only mc, which we found beneficial in many ways and have worked on melvynman: we were in a sexless marriage but the love was still present - it is surprising how the menopause can turn off your sex drive but an affair can turn it back on
Author Why Now Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Just to say thanks everyone for all your help and advice. I think sometimes you just need to vent with likeminded people who have gone/going through the same thing. Thank You all. 1
jackslife Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) Not being judgemental here, but you didn't seriously think that any self respecting, hot blooded male would be happy in a sexless marriage? I'm not excusing his behaviour and clearly you needed to have a conversation rather than him having an affair, but any woman who thinks that her husband won't go elsewhere for validation, love and sex when she either withholds or can't have sex is being shockingly naive. Your member name is "why now". I'll tell you why now... the sex stopped. Edited July 8, 2014 by jackslife additional thought 1
gettingstronger Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Not being judgemental here, but you didn't seriously think that any self respecting, hot blooded male would be happy in a sexless marriage? While I can understand that- a REAL man would talk with his wife about it and not become a liar and a cheater- thats just making a bad situation worse- I understand marital issues, I understand being unhappy, I understand sex is important (FTR- we were not in a sexless marriage) but what I will never understand/accept is not talking with your spouse about it and doing everything you can to make it better-cheating is the easy way out (until you get caught) and its low and selfish-not exactly the sign of a self respecting, hot blooded male- more like a entitled bratty child- 3
Author Why Now Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 (edited) jackslife: I can appreciate what you are saying but had he been an adult and discussed things with me or even thrown a tantrum about it I would have at least had a chance to do something and if I had just carried on ignoring his needs then I would probably feel that I had somehow helped create this awful mess. Edited July 8, 2014 by Why Now missed something out 1
jackslife Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) why now: I hope I'm not picking at a wound here and I don't want to upset you. However, I still think that when the sex stopped you hoped everything would be okay without challenging it. Your husband did not behave like a spoilt child. Your behaviour effectively emasculated him. Without saying it your actions said, "I've gone through the menopause, I can longer want or can't have sex, tough on you but we're married and you've got to put up with it" Maybe you should have talked it through. But if you don't want sex, what is he supposed to do? Never have sex again because you can't or won't? If you weren't having sex with your husband then you were naive to think he wouldn't go elsewhere for it. You have been wronged but don't think you don't have some degree of responsibility in all this. Edited July 9, 2014 by jackslife poor grammar 1
purplesorrow Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 why now: I hope I'm not picking at a wound here and I don't want to upset you. However, I still think that when the sex stopped you hoped everything would be okay without challenging it. Your husband did not behave like a spoilt child. Your behaviour effectively emasculated him. Without saying it your actions said, "I've gone through the menopause, I can longer want or can't have sex, tough on you but we're married and you've got to put up with it" Maybe you should have talked it through. But if you don't want sex, what is he supposed to do? Never have sex again because you can't or won't? If you weren't having sex with your husband then you were naive to think he wouldn't go elsewhere for it. You have been wronged but don't think you don't have some degree of responsibility in all this. He emasculated himself by responding to an adult issue like a kid. It's not naive to think the person you made vows to is there for the bad and the good. Sex is very important and so is honesty and communication. 1
bosunmate Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 why now: I hope I'm not picking at a wound here and I don't want to upset you. However, I still think that when the sex stopped you hoped everything would be okay without challenging it. Your husband did not behave like a spoilt child. Your behaviour effectively emasculated him. Without saying it your actions said, "I've gone through the menopause, I can longer want or can't have sex, tough on you but we're married and you've got to put up with it" Maybe you should have talked it through. But if you don't want sex, what is he supposed to do? Never have sex again because you can't or won't? If you weren't having sex with your husband then you were naive to think he wouldn't go elsewhere for it. You have been wronged but don't think you don't have some degree of responsibility in all this. Why do you insist of giving the husband an excuse to cheat. Under no circumstances is it ever okay to cheat, I don't care if she was in a coma. He can look after himself if need be. Marriage is about love and commitment and honesty, without those you are doomed to fail like a majority of marriages. I have been married 42 years next month and I like to think that those values got me there. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 If you weren't having sex with your husband then you were naive to think he wouldn't go elsewhere for it. Wait, what? No- adults talk about whats bothering them-they shouldn't engage in dangerous behaviors instead- What about the very hurt OWs in these cases-would you say, well its OK he lied to you and strung you along because his wife wasn't willing to have sex but you were-come on the world shouldn't work like that- 3
HereNorThere Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Not being judgemental here, but you didn't seriously think that any self respecting, hot blooded male would be happy in a sexless marriage? I'm not excusing his behaviour and clearly you needed to have a conversation rather than him having an affair, but any woman who thinks that her husband won't go elsewhere for validation, love and sex when she either withholds or can't have sex is being shockingly naive. Your member name is "why now". I'll tell you why now... the sex stopped. Man, that's cruel. People have medical issues and you should respect that. Would you think it's ok for your SO to have sex with other people because you had a car accident and couldn't perform for a while or would you expect them to understand? 1
BrokenPrincess Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 How long had you been sexless? Just wondering if we're talking about a couple months, 6 mo, years?? [Not that it's a reason to cheat...in fact a male friend of mine (definitely self respecting & hot blooded ) got divorced after 8 years sexless + sleeping in separate bedroom and he never once cheated.]
Try Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 he was going to end it the following week as he could then put some distance between him and her due to his job - having had to work closely with her for the previous few months How do you now that he was just about to end the affair, but you found out first? If he told you that, why on earth would you beleive him when he had just been lying to you about the affair for a year? If he wrote it in a letter to his lover, why would you beleive that he would have the strength to end it when his weakness was why he could not resist starting it in the first place? It is common for people in an affair to feel guilty and to always be talking about ending it, but until the have the fortitude to actually end it, it is just talk. jackslife: I can appreciate what you are saying but had he been an adult and discussed things with me or even thrown a tantrum about it I would have at least had a chance to do something and if I had just carried on ignoring his needs then I would probably feel that I had somehow helped create this awful mess. I agree that there is no excuse to cheat, but please do not say that giving your husband a sexless marraige did not help "create this awful mess". If you read "His Needs, Her Needs" you will see that the number one need of a male in marraige is sex. By not meeting your husband's most important need, you made it so much easier for the other woman. 1
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