Lovemeagain Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 My ex broke up with me about a month ago and after I made a complete fool of my self by being pathetic and begging and crying for him to stay with me we had an actual conversation. He said he needed time for himself and that he loved me but that he wasn't in love with me. He said that he didn't want to focus on us right now because he wanted time for himself and that in time we might be able to work things out and be more than just friends. He said that he wanted to be friends because it was better than nothing at all. I still love him so much that of course I wanted to hold on to anything that I could and said that I wanted to be his friend if I couldn't be anything else at the moment. He said that he would call me soon and it has now been over two weeks and what do you know....no call yet. Do I have any chance at getting him back? I love him so much and this has been the hardest few weeks without him.
Moonborn Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 He said he needed time for himself and that he loved me but that he wasn't in love with me. How much I hate that sentence... My ex said the same to me, and I really think that she didn't know what she was doing herself. The worst thing you can do is clinging on him. Let him go and do your best to move on. You don't want to be in a relationship of any kind with somebody who is not sure if he loves you or not. You deserve to be loved fully. Being his friend will only torture you endlessly, and if you go that way you can be sure that he will never be back to you as something more. Stay no contact. I know it hurts, but trust me, it will be better on the long run. 4
FredJones80 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Two outcomes for that sentence. One he doesn't know what love is supposed to be after the initial chemical high has faded or two there is someone else. Not saying there is, but "I love you but not in love with you" is a classic line when someone has met someone else. If he isn't "in love" with you then who is he "in love" with? 4
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks MoonBorn. It hurt so much to hear those words coming out of his mouth. I still can't believe that this is happening. I want to stay NC but I have to get my things from the apartment in 5 days. He said that he would stay away because he does not want to see me. He said that if he sees me he is afraid that he will fall in love with me again and that it would hurt him too much. I want to see him and I want to talk to him and my mind is telling me that it will be best if you do not see him. My heart though...wants him back so badly. I want to hear him say that he misses me and that he loves me still. Everyone else is telling me that it is over. Oh i just wish that this was a bad dream and I would wake up and everything would be back to how it was. I'm sorry for going on and on. I'm just sad and lonely.
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 FredJones80 your reply hit me like a ton of bricks and a stab in the gut. I didn't want to think that there might be someone else although the thought has crossed my mind. I feel so sick right now but it's a possibility and that's why your response is so making my heart ache right now. . . Oh dear Jesus help me get through this. Why does this hurt so much. I would rather break both my legs right now. AAAAHHHHHHH!
JRico Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Turn around, look at the oposite direction and run as fast as you can. My ex told me the same 3 months ago and its not healthy at all to keep contact because now you are waiting for him to realize what he is losing, or a "friendly" call or any other sign... as my father told me "Ok, its over, but dont expect me to hold your hand so you can get over the fact that you have left me, if im out im out...". No need to tell him, just think about it, has helped a lot to me... 3
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 JRico I just read your post that you listed and I was so proud of you. I want to get to that point where I feel just fine around my ex. As if he were just another somebody walking down the street that I don't know and don't care to know. Can you help me though I have a dilemma. I want to just look the other way and keep going but I have to pick up my things and my car from my ex's in 5 days and I don't know how it is going to go. . . He said that he will stay away because seeing me will be too hard for him and he thinks that he will fall in love with me again. It makes me feel as though he still loves me but everyone else is saying that it's because he doesn't love you anymore. I am so pathetic and using every excuse I can to hold onto someone who threw me into the garbage. What should I do when I go there? I know I will want to see him and talk to him and I'll be in fantasy land thinking that unicorns and rainbows will appear and make our relationship better or something. I know I am a moron!
JRico Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 What helped me the most when I pick up my things from her apartment was thinking this: If she has to realize now, after 1.5 years of relationship, that she is in love with me something is totally wrong with us. I cried like a baby when i got back to my place but I didn't want to let her with that image of me, maybe the last one or maybe not but ask yourself how do you want to be seen by him... If you can, go with a friend to pick up your things and give you strenght. Im really new in this matters, im going over my first real break up and thats all i know about this... NC helped me a lot, since NC began everything has gotten better. You owe him nothing, in fact the ex is telling us they don't want us in that privileged spot we were, they put as at the same level of friends or even lower.. everyone is different ok, but do you accept that? are you willing to beg for love? I dont think love should be asked for... but as I said im pretty newbie in this. Really wish you luck and strenght. A strong hug for you! It will get better
Moonborn Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 JRico I just read your post that you listed and I was so proud of you. I want to get to that point where I feel just fine around my ex. As if he were just another somebody walking down the street that I don't know and don't care to know. Can you help me though I have a dilemma. I want to just look the other way and keep going but I have to pick up my things and my car from my ex's in 5 days and I don't know how it is going to go. . . He said that he will stay away because seeing me will be too hard for him and he thinks that he will fall in love with me again. It makes me feel as though he still loves me but everyone else is saying that it's because he doesn't love you anymore. I am so pathetic and using every excuse I can to hold onto someone who threw me into the garbage. What should I do when I go there? I know I will want to see him and talk to him and I'll be in fantasy land thinking that unicorns and rainbows will appear and make our relationship better or something. I know I am a moron! Can't you get someone to go pick things for you? Or at least come with you to the place?
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks JRico. Hi MoonBorn. We are currently in different states and that's why I have to get my things. I am not from there. I was just there for about a year and then had to leave for work/school so my things are in his apartment. I am selling the car that we bought together and am required to sign the paperwork. That's why I am struggling. I felt so accomplished with 16..well now 17 days of NC but I know I will feel like crap and like a failure when I see him again. I want to look like I am doing so well and I want to feel confident, but I am weak because I am still in love with him. JRico I am going to try not to cry in front of him and be as happy as I can be. I will definitely cry and break down as soon as he is gone but the goal is not in front of him. I think I can... I think I can... NO, I KNOW I CAN!. I'll keep you all posted. Dooms day is Friday.
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 He no longer wants a relationship with you but he does not like being the source of your pain. That's why it hurts him to be around you. Not because he wants you back or that you have a chance for reconciliation. Take a friend with you when you go see him. That person will help keep you strong & prevent you falling into bed with him. For him it will be easy good-bye sex. For you it will be opening the wound deeper. Come home & keep yourself busy but recognize that you do need time to grieve & heal. Good luck. 1
matt_1987 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I had that sentence told to me as well. Hatable words I might say. you either love someone or you don't. period. human beings are selfish and emotional, despite what one believes (or wants to believe). I feel for you and I feel your pain, but please be strong. you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. no one should. your one and only chance is to go NO CONTACT. stick to it, move on, find someone else. if he comes back, there is always time to "try again". I don't know you, but I'm on your side. M
SummerDreams Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 My ex had told me the exact same things. All he really meant was that he wanted to quit trying to make "us" work cause he was self centered. A few months later I met my now bf and we are happy together. My ex sent me an e-mail after severak months of NC saying that his time with me were the best of his life blablabla. I just smiled, deleted the e-mail and went on with my life. Your bf probably has met someone else and he wants to keep the possibility with you open in case the new relationship doesn't work out. I often like to say that when someone leaves without excuses is only to be able to return without excuses. I would advise to you to start realizing the truth which is that you are not the one for him and start making an honorable exit. The next adventure of your life just begins. Be there to catch it.
writergal Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 He no longer wants a relationship with you but he does not like being the source of your pain. That's why it hurts him to be around you. Not because he wants you back or that you have a chance for reconciliation. Take a friend with you when you go see him. That person will help keep you strong & prevent you falling into bed with him. For him it will be easy good-bye sex. For you it will be opening the wound deeper. Come home & keep yourself busy but recognize that you do need time to grieve & heal. Good luck. This is the reason he said those words to you OP. He's through with the relationship but doesn't want to feel the guilt, so he takes it off himself by using that clichéd phrase. I had that sentence told to me as well. Hatable words I might say. you either love someone or you don't. period. human beings are selfish and emotional, despite what one believes (or wants to believe). I feel for you and I feel your pain, but please be strong. you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. no one should. your one and only chance is to go NO CONTACT. stick to it, move on, find someone else. if he comes back, there is always time to "try again". I don't know you, but I'm on your side. M I hate that clichéd phrase too. And I agree 100% that you either stay in love with someone or you stop loving them. There is no such thing as loving someone but not being in love with them. That phrase is such an insult to the person on the receiving in because it's so disingenuous. When someone uses that phrase it's a defense mechanism to protect themselves from feeling pain. They don't care about the other person's feelings anymore, otherwise they'd apologize first and then explain why they fell out of love. But that phrase is just such a cop-out. That phrase reminds me of these break-up phrases: It's not you it's me. This isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship.
FredJones80 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I didn't want to think that there might be someone else although the thought has crossed my mind. Not 100% of cases, but in many, google it, you'll see more times than not people who got that phrase found out someone new was in the picture. Any other reason that thought crossed your mind? Recent things happening, odd things that didn't add up etc?
True Gent Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I think it's highly like likely someone else is on the scene. You've got to let them go. I know it's very hard, but you have to face it and accept that's probably the case. Once you do accept it you'll realise what a selfish coward he is. You'll be ok, just accept his BS for what it is and ride it out. He isn't worth it and he's very selfish. I've been through all of this cliche crap with my ex, it is a poor excuse to cover the truth.
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks for the replies everyone. I am still trying to mentally prepare myself. I know I am getting really worked up because I can't sleep, I don't feel hungry, I had a panic attack today, and I am so stressed out over the fact that I will probably see him in 3 days. I am thinking way too much into it, but I feel like by thinking of all of the possible outcomes that I am preparing myself for the worst. After hearing all of your comments I am trying to get all my tears out now so that I don't look like a fool and break down in front of him.
furby58 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 My ex used this bulls*** line on me.to be honest deep down i knew there was some one else and that h**knew i was his long time partner .anyway sometimes its best not to dig , accept things face value and try your best to move on. The more you know the more hurt n sh*t you'll feel . 1
FredJones80 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks for the replies everyone. I am still trying to mentally prepare myself. I know I am getting really worked up because I can't sleep, I don't feel hungry, I had a panic attack today, and I am so stressed out over the fact that I will probably see him in 3 days. I am thinking way too much into it, but I feel like by thinking of all of the possible outcomes that I am preparing myself for the worst. After hearing all of your comments I am trying to get all my tears out now so that I don't look like a fool and break down in front of him. The best thing you can do is look amazing, act amazing and walk out with your had held high, then break down and cry at home in your own time. He'll wonder why you're so happy 1
furby58 Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 The best thing you can do is look amazing, act amazing and walk out with your had held high, then break down and cry at home in your own time. He'll wonder why you're so happy THIS ..messes with their head soooo bad whether they admit it or not
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 The best thing you can do is look amazing, act amazing and walk out with your had held high, then break down and cry at home in your own time. He'll wonder why you're so happy Im definitely gonna try to do this. As long as I can keep my emotions in check and not cry in front of him I am going to be fine. Other than that I am going to look fabulous. Not mention the relationship at all just be happy and ignore him as much as possible.
Author Lovemeagain Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 OMG my ex contacted me and broke NC after 19 days just to see if I was still coming up to get my things. I am so stupid!!! I told myself "OK answer but then just let him know that yes you are coming up and then hang up. Do not talk about the relationship or anything else." Me= Pathetic. Of course he starts talking and we were having a good conversation and then "Boom," just like that, I totally lost it. I said I haven't heard from you in a while. He said he's been really busy but that he's been happy. I start hinting on whether or not he missed me (because I just feel like I NEED to hear it). He says that I told you, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I got sad/angry and said that my friends say that you either love someone or you don't. He gets defensive and says that he didn't want to even talk to me for this long and that he wants to hang up. I start crying....blah blah blah. I really hope that I can pull myself together before Friday. Alright everyone... Tell it to me straight. I need to hear it. Give me the tough Love about how dumb I was. Please I rather cry because of what you all have to say to me than cry in front of that dumb a**.
JRico Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Think about that phone call but changing the roles, if you were the dumper, would you want back someone you are having a drama almost every conversation since BU? I don't think so... In my opinion best you can do is pick your things on friday, with all the dignity and pride that you have, forget that ****ty "love you but not in love", it hurts, i heard it as i told you, but thats not the important thing here... the result is the relationship is over. My advice, pick your things and focus on you. Forget about talking, texting or spying on him, it only hurts!! If he has to come back to you he will, but you need to get yourself better because probably he will never come back, and you cant live your life next to a phone waiting for a call. But as i said before, this is just my opinion, i dont know any of you two. A big hug for you!
mangetout Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 OMG my ex contacted me and broke NC after 19 days just to see if I was still coming up to get my things. I am so stupid!!! I told myself "OK answer but then just let him know that yes you are coming up and then hang up. Do not talk about the relationship or anything else." Me= Pathetic. Of course he starts talking and we were having a good conversation and then "Boom," just like that, I totally lost it. I said I haven't heard from you in a while. He said he's been really busy but that he's been happy. I start hinting on whether or not he missed me (because I just feel like I NEED to hear it). He says that I told you, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I got sad/angry and said that my friends say that you either love someone or you don't. He gets defensive and says that he didn't want to even talk to me for this long and that he wants to hang up. I start crying....blah blah blah. I really hope that I can pull myself together before Friday. Alright everyone... Tell it to me straight. I need to hear it. Give me the tough Love about how dumb I was. Please I rather cry because of what you all have to say to me than cry in front of that dumb a**. Be kind to yourself. You are grieving a loss and its understandable that you will question this BU. I acted like this many times with my ex. But 8 months later I can say ( with my hand on heart) that I DONT CARE if I never see him again. You will feel like this too one day. Stay strong
stillafool Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I thought you said earlier that he doesn't plan to be there when you pick up your things. Tell him not to be there. Are you taking a friend with you? Your friends are wrong he does love you as a person or friend but he doesn't love you in a romantic way anymore. There is a difference.
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