Why, nearly a year later, have I been unable to finally slam the door shut?

[im_thedude]

My ex dumped me last August. It had this searing, painful, profound effect on my life and well-being. It was months heaped on months of sorrow and listlessness. I consulted a psychologist, was told I have mild clinical depression, but that was that and I didn't pursue it further.

 

I picked up two jobs to keep myself busy and leaned on my friends harder than I ever have before. I went on vacations and did all I could to move forward. I've gone on dates that went nowhere (heh) but I still enjoyed myself nonetheless.

 

All the while though, I kept giving in and and going back to my ex. No, directly contacting her stopped shortly after getting dumped. And after maybe three or four months I knew, with certainty, that we were not getting back together. Somewhere around the six month mark I realized that not only were we not getting back together, but we both simply could never be together again, and, more importantly, I never wanted to be with her again. But all the while, even now nearly a year later, I've been unable to resist checking out what she's been up to through social media and whatnot. I'm not even friends with her on these sites - on a few I've even been blocked - but I still get around that, just to catch slivers of what her life is like today.

 

I know this is me not being able to truly accept the fact that this person isn't in my life anymore. It's just so bizarre, though - I look at her **** online and feel this array of emotions. On one hand, it's like I'm looking at the profile of some complete stranger. On the other, I see how she truly is and tell myself what a bullet it was I dodged. On yet another, I catch glimpses of how she used to be when we were together and long for that again.

 

My feelings have all gotten so convoluted. I want this person to vanish from my conscience but it feels like the whole relationship has continually haunted me through varying degrees. Generally speaking, I'm confident in all other aspects of my life, but when it comes to this situation, it's like a shadow that sucks my self esteem and will power straight out of me. It's like some drug that keeps dragging me back into a feeling of sadness.

[FortunateSon]

You need to stop looking at any of her social media online immediately, block her on anything you can, if you haven't been blocked already. You are never going to move forward if you keep setting yourself band and hurting yourself by looking at her life. How many more times do you want to touch the hot stove until you realize it REALLY hurts?

[emotionalMess]

You are self-inflicting wounds. If you want to get over her, don't ever check up on her again. If you like pain, keep looking.

 

Furthermore, you are invading her privacy.

That is not fair to her at all.

 

Delete all your social media accounts ASAP.

[Haydn]

we've all done it but coming up to year just block or get a mate to do it for you. She's moved on time for you to do the same. Good luck.

[somegoodman]

I could've written every single word in your original post. Everybody will say to just stop checking her social media, but that doesn't really help cause you're still thinking about checking it. You can block her but that doesn't change the thoughts of her and what she's doing.

 

I wish I had the answers. It's been over 6 months for me and I feel exactly as you do.

[lop98]

I was in your situation, the only side of strict NC that I failed at was social media, I kept checking up on it often... sometimes I wouldn't do it for two weeks and I felt successful, but it very much depended on the content I was exposed to, if something new and worth staring at would happen in his accounts, you could bet I'd be back there the next day... or the next hour and just like that the pain would be brought back to surface.

 

The only thing that helped me and really made me completely lose interest and not look back again was to really focus on myself, on my appearance, daily activities and give myself the chance to meet new people... I found a guy, we started dating, I was scared of how the memory of my ex still haunted me but I kept at it, getting to know him and eventually I fell for him... we started making plans and making them happen and the impulse to check up on the ex's social media started fading, in the most natural way, until it fully did, I got too busy (in every way, mostly emotionally) to even remember.

 

You need to let go but unfortunately, as easy as it sounds it's not the kind of thing that's just about blocking... that does help, but mostly you let go when you fully allow your feelings and head to depart from this person, and this only happens when you focus on present and future.

 

I'd say keep yourself as busy as you've been, keep getting to know other women... don't push yourself to date them just for the sake of it, allow yourself to grow genuine interest, find things in common, feel that "spark"... I know it may seem like no one's going to compare but trust me, I was there and after my BU, I went on to live easily the most romantic experiences of my life... so focus on how the best is yet to come, because most likely, it is.

[im_thedude]

I was in your situation, the only side of strict NC that I failed at was social media, I kept checking up on it often... sometimes I wouldn't do it for two weeks and I felt successful, but it very much depended on the content I was exposed to, if something new and worth staring at would happen in his accounts, you could bet I'd be back there the next day... or the next hour and just like that the pain would be brought back to surface.

 

The only thing that helped me and really made me completely lose interest and not look back again was to really focus on myself, on my appearance, daily activities and give myself the chance to meet new people... I found a guy, we started dating, I was scared of how the memory of my ex still haunted me but I kept at it, getting to know him and eventually I fell for him... we started making plans and making them happen and the impulse to check up on the ex's social media started fading, in the most natural way, until it fully did, I got too busy (in every way, mostly emotionally) to even remember.

 

You need to let go but unfortunately, as easy as it sounds it's not the kind of thing that's just about blocking... that does help, but mostly you let go when you fully allow your feelings and head to depart from this person, and this only happens when you focus on present and future.

 

I'd say keep yourself as busy as you've been, keep getting to know other women... don't push yourself to date them just for the sake of it, allow yourself to grow genuine interest, find things in common, feel that "spark"... I know it may seem like no one's going to compare but trust me, I was there and after my BU, I went on to live easily the most romantic experiences of my life... so focus on how the best is yet to come, because most likely, it is.

 

Thank you for this post. It's almost like, one foot of mine is in the door behind me, and I'm just waiting to grab hold of the next door of my life so I could let the door behind me shut for good.

 

There are definitive moments where my ex is the last thing on my mind, but they've been so fleeting. I go on vacation for a week - she's gone. I come back, to the same old grind, the same dire lack of a romantic interest - she comes back.

 

You say how I shouldn't push myself to date women for the mere sake of it; that I should allow a good thing to blossom organically. I can say with certainty that nothing even remotely close to that feeling has happened in this past year, even with attempts at meeting people. I feel increasingly self conscious and frustrated that most women don't even seem to take a second look at me. I've tried - really, I have - to meet someone new and try to grab hold of that next door that will allow me to stop propping open the last one, but I'm losing faith that it'll happen and this war of emotional attrition is truly wearing me down.

[Justaguy30]

I can relate to your mixed emotions. I love you, I hate you, I wish I never had to see you again or think about you ever. You don't love her you are still in love with the dream that you had with her. If you let go of that and form a new dream about how things could be with someone else and concentrate on that it will come true.