In love with a bipolar depressive girl..

[Eagle755]

I dated a girl for about a year and a half, she being 18 and me 21. I'm not sure what to think of anything at this point. During the first 8 months, things were amazing. She was simply the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. Then she moved out of her parents, and stopped taking her depression medicine. Everything quickly declined. She started having random out bursts of pure sadness or anger, and I was just like, what is going on. We started fighting regularly, and her mood swings were beyond normal, getting jealous, mad, upset, over things that someone normally wouldn't give a second though. She was a completely different person, I had no idea what was going on or how to handle it. She ended up sleeping at her best guy friends house one night and lying about it, and not talking to me at all, I was pissed, she never would of done that before, she said nothing went on but who knows. A week later, she got me an engagement ring(out of guilt or something probably, I was able to accept that)We ended up getting an apartment together anyway, to see if that would solve our problems. It didn't. Very stupid. A few more months of us arguing and fighting over senseless meaningless things, I ended up just retreating to my room and staying glued to video games to keep my mind off of her and away from the mood swings. In hindsight, bad idea. But it's not like I knew what illnesses like bipolar, or borderline, or anything was. I couldn't react to it. Few months of me pretty much ignoring her, for my own safety, she broke up with me during a heated argument. A month later, started sleeping with another guy. Keep in mind, we still lived together, we still kisses and did relationship stuff.

When I found out, I was destroyed, she wouldn't even admit to it, and felt as if she did nothing wrong. But as soon as she saw me crying and hurting so badly, she started crying and realized what she did to me, I packed up and left the next day. There was lots of questioning after, her reasons for doing was "I really don't know" "I felt like you didn't care anymore" "he gave me attention" "I gave up on us because you never wanted to hang out with me". she begged and pleaded for me stay, for about 2 weeks.

Then ended up giving up, and decided to move across the country to "fix her problems" and to go on medicine again, then come back in a year, be friends with me again, and starting over

In the beginning of the relationship. She slept with me the first night we hung out, became obsessed with me, wanted to see me 24/7, bought me expensive things, said she loved me really soon after. I thought nothing of it being so quick and easy, because she stopped talking to other guys completely, paid so much attention to me, and never even seemed like sex was a big deal to her at all, did a lot of things to just make me happy, even when she was sleeping with the other guy, she for some reason tried to keep me happy(doing sexual favors) even though she had "given up"

She was diagnosed depression when she was younger, but idk if it's that or something else that she has. One day her brain tells me one thing, then the next day, it's completely opposite. I can't reason or argue with her, she tells me she loves me but she has problems she wants to fix to be with me. She's self destructive, started smoking, a lot, drinking, doing all of this stuff because she's upset. Talking to all of these guys and hiding things, yet she could care less to talk to me, but then some days she calls me crying missing me. She left for Ohio yesterday. I've been in nc since, she hasn't even tried contacting me

I just need some help, and insight. I'm just so lost

Also she's extremely manipulative, she wasn't at first, until she came off her medicine, then I could see she used the **** out of her friends, said the right things so she could get what she wanted, even if she hated their guts, and did it to me as well.

Yet I still am in love with her.

[Lovemeagain]

Hey Eagle755. Your story sounds similar to mine with my ex. Except I am on the other end. I am the girlfriend that has a depressive disorder and on medication. My ex knew of my diagnosis and medication but it became too much for him to handle and he recently broke up with me because he needed a break. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this but at the same time I am hoping that he is still in love with me like you are with your ex. I don't know exactly what her diagnosis is or the circumstances of your relationship but I can honestly tell you that being on meds and then going off of them cold turkey is extremely hard (depending on what you are on). For me it messes so much with your mind and there are side effects to both being on them and being off of them. It's weird. Everyone I know hates to be on their medication because it makes you feel crazy and you want to be normal like everyone else is without the meds. You feel good some days and think that you don't need your meds and then you go through the side effects and the withdrawal of being off of them. It messes with your mind and you literally do become a different person. You forget what you do until people tell you that you did it. I said and did lots of things to my ex and I didn't know until he told me. I was surprised he stayed with me as long as he did, but I still love him. I wish I wasn't like this. I miss him lots and wish I that an "I'm sorry" would be enough to make everything better but I think that I have lost him.

 

I don't know if this helps you or not but I thought that perspective from the other side might help. Take care Eagle755

[Eagle755]

Thank you

and that's exactly how it was. She'd fight and argue, say horrible things. Then completely forget what she had said.

This sucks so horribly knowing because of an illness I lost the love of my life

She wants to get better to get back with me later on

But I just can't forgive her for sleeping with another guy and lying as much as she did

[elseaacych]

A common misconception is that the illness causes the break up. That is very much not the case.

 

My story:

 

I dated a Bipolar ii man for 3.25 years. He regularly went through bouts of hypomania and depression, and I just accepted that he was the way he was as he tried all kinds of new medicines and tried to figure out why his head was all over the place, and I would sit and listen patiently to his rants about how the world was out to get him. He loved me, because I was very patient with him, and I understood and empathized it could be frustrating when your mind doesn't function "normally". (I am prone to fits of depression, and have had a couple major depressive episodes in my life.) My needs took a backseat to his.

 

Then, when he got the formal diagnosis, I balled my eyes out, because I was so sad for him. I had a bipolar i uncle. He frequently went off his meds, and was killed a few years ago when he was in a manic phase, drunk, and stumbled into the path of an oncoming train. I did not want my ex to end up like my uncle, and I said we could work with it.

 

However, I think, because I cried so hard that day, it changed my ex's perception of me, and saw me as judgmental, a trait that he often punished other people for, by cutting off relationships with them. Things went downhill from there, especially when I started law school and needed emotional support from him, that he was unaccustomed to giving, and unwilling to give. It did not help that we were on two separate paths. Him: a grandiose plan to travel the world and live in another country, because he did not feel at home where we lived, as he had burned several bridges here and he felt "alienated" because of his mind. Bipolar disorder suddenly became his excuse for everything. Me: pursuing promising opportunities where I had built a strong foundation, my home, even at the expense of world travel in the present.

 

Moral of the story: he ended up doing to me what I saw him do to other people in the course of our relationship. He made choices consistent with his other life choices, illness or no illness. What he did following the breakup was very consistent with the way he treated me near the end of the relationship. He took the easy way out. As I knew this boy better than he knows himself, I am not surprised about how things turned out.

 

tl;dr version: My relationship with a bipolar was controlled entirely by the choices we made in the relationship. Bipolar only became an issue when we did not address the complications caused by bipolar disorder properly. I did not do any research on how to support a bipolar man, and he started using it as an excuse to treat others like crap- even though he treated others like crap before.

 

Bipolar is a lifelong illness, that is tricky but can be managed.

Between the two, the partner must be caring, patient, and informed. At the same time, the bipolar person must aim to keep their bipolar under control. They must be supportive and understanding of each other.

 

You did not get any of this from your partner, Eagle, and I don't think it was necessarily because of the bipolar. Either way, you dodged a bullet, and there are many lovely people out in the world that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

[Eagle755]

I realize all of that now. If I had known how to treat the issues, it would of been much better. But instead because of the fighting and way she treated me, I ended up resenting her. (She had actually warned me that I would, yet she came off her medicine anyway)

And because of the resentment, I was unable to spend time with her, ignored her, and didn't appropriately give her attention she needed. So she ended up resenting me in return.

For us bipolar was a huge issue. We were perfect for 8 months. Then 2 weeks after she stopped taking medicine, she got black out angry, and slept at another guys house, and ignored me for two days. After that came back, and told me how in love with me she was.

In the beginning she was so very kind and caring, then towards the end it felt like I wasn't even talking to the same person anymore, so void of emotions and incapable of comforting me

I just feel like things could have been managed if we actually treated the bipolar, instead we just ignored it completely, and I ignored her completely too

I blame myself all the time, have all of this guilt, if I had just researched and understood the illness.. maybe we'd still be together.. she's off in another state now because she wants to fix her issues and go back on medicine, all to come back and start over again with me in a year from now

But I don't know if I can handle going through that again, or if I could even get over it happening once..

[MidwestUSA]

Is she truly bipolar? As in, officially diagnosed?

 

I'm not seeing the manic swings indicative of the other end of bipolar, altho she may very well be depressed. Are you sure she's not borderline?

[Eagle755]

She was only diagnosed with depression at a young age. Yesterday I researched bpd and it exactly described her completely. So I'm not totally sure on that.

She would go into black out rages for a while, then come back to me like nothing happened, forgetting anything she said or did.

[MidwestUSA]

She was only diagnosed with depression at a young age. Yesterday I researched bpd and it exactly described her completely. So I'm not totally sure on that.

She would go into black out rages for a while, then come back to me like nothing happened, forgetting anything she said or did.

 

 

Yes, I thought there was a chance you were confusing bipolar with borderline. I do wish they would change the abbreviations, too many Bs and Ps!

 

There are some long running threads here on borderline (BPD) from some who have tried to deal with it. It is probably the hardest personality to get along with. You would do well to read up on it, good luck!

 

In fact, you may want to read what a poster named Downtown has to say; here is a thread he has commented in:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/483974-gf-became-different-scary-person

 

See if anything rings bells.

Edited July 6, 2014 by MidwestUSA
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[bubbaganoosh]

Look. The kind of help she needs you can't provide and she has to hep herself. If she doesn't, then there is nothing you can do.

 

My advice is move on because no matter what you do, until she wants the proper help, you'll be doing no good for you and her.

[Eagle755]

That's what I'm doing right now, been 3 days nc. She's going to get help now, and is trying to fix her issues to get back with me in the future.

I just feel so crappy and guilty like I screwed up by ignoring her needs

 

And the forums on bpd help, makes me feel not alone, so many people with similar issues

[notserene]

That's what I'm doing right now, been 3 days nc. She's going to get help now, and is trying to fix her issues to get back with me in the future.

I just feel so crappy and guilty like I screwed up by ignoring her needs

 

And the forums on bpd help, makes me feel not alone, so many people with similar issues

 

I doubt that you did anything wrong. Personality disordered people are experts at making you feel like it's all your fault. I think they go for people who are naturally helpers and fixers.

[Eagle755]

Well thank god I'm naturally a caring, helping person. It just doesn't make sense because of how loyal and caring and great she used to be.

Two months later I still can't wrap it around my head, the fact that she slept with another guy. It still pains me. No matter how ugly and inferior he is to me.(extreme downgrade)

It just wasn't her.

She actually didn't even blame me after, she blamed herself.

I just have this guilt in me for not giving her attention during her episodes

[JoeFallkon]

My ex has bpd and its been hell your story is so similar, she is from Ohio but now lives in huntington beach.well she left me. after she left she tried getting my attention in so many strange ways instead of just talking to me, one by hitting on 2 guys i know. One was my friend, the other was an ahole that bought it.

She would make up stories about her having diabetes, renal failure, cancer, and i still dont know if any of that was ever true, they are always seeking attention, but if you give it to them, they say or at list mine said i was too clingy.

She is so manipulative and thinks she s always right Just make sure she goes back on her meds. And like i told mine. "No guy will ever care for you as much as i did" "all a guy will ever want with you is sex" Nobody is ever gonna put up w their sht.Your girl will see it and im sure she ll contact you like mine has. I was on NC for almost 2 months and she begged me to talk to her. We re talking now , but we have to plan things cuz i dont wanna go through that hell again. Drugs, alcohol, walking out in the middle of the night.

 

I love my ex still so much i just pray to god to help me keep her but to give me a hand, cuz its a big job for a normal person. i just hope she goes back on her meds and quits drinking and doin drugs.

 

Good luck.

[JoeFallkon]

Another thing. Long story short .. i went to jail because of her and met like 4/5 guys that were in there for the same reason. having a bipolar girl. Make sure if you ever argue, either walk away or turn on a recorder on your cell phone.

[Eagle755]

Joe that entire paragraph you wrote, was spot on exactly how it was for me. They treat us so well one moment, making us love them and want more, then the next it all just cuts off and we try so hard to keep it at that great moment. She was fine when she was on medicine, things were great. I wish she had stayed on them so I wouldn't have to experience this grief yet again. I'm so very in love with her still. I know she is with me as well, she's just so far gone in her own world right now. And I know she'll be back(hopefully fixed by then) The problem is if I should let her, because I don't think it's possible for us normal people to be able to deal with the fact of the love of your life leaving you and sleeping with another guy, it's killing me.

I luckily avoided jail. I caught her at his house. I study and train martial arts to calm my anger issues. And in that moment. No amount of training could have prepared me for the adrenaline that I had. Luckily the ugly hillbilly lived with his parents or I would've been inside his house calling an ambulance to pick up his deformed body. So I ended up putting full knuckle imprints in my car.. Damn it.

Its crazy how bpd is..

I hear other peoples stories on it. But she just seems a little different from them. Maybe its just my perspective on her? Because she lied so well to me? Who knows

Our mindset was set on this reality that was so falsely created by the image they portrayed to us. That in the moment we find out everything was a lie, our whole spectrum of life is completely skewered. It took several hours of interrogation just for her to even admit to doing anything wrong, nothing but "why's it matter" "I didn't do anything" "I was just watching tv" until she finally broke down, and finally admitted anything. That's how it always was whenever I caught her in a lie. The same repeated statements, everytime. And it's as if they don't even realize what they're doing.

But after that moment she told me she slept with him twice, my entire life, and outlook on human emotions has shifted. Two months later, I still can't process it. How could someone do what she did.

Knowing she'd never do that to me in a million years, then it actually happening.

I can't help but feel like it's my fault. Although I know it's because she stopped medicine cold turkey

[elseaacych]

It is not necessarily your fault. She knew what she was doing, and didn't do anything to address it. She chose to go off her meds, and she acted the way she did because she just "is that way".

 

I know you could never imagine her doing something like what she did to you. Hell, I thought that under my ex's prickly exterior, he was the sweetest guy in the world- but it was just how he treated me at the time. So yeah, in the beginning of all relationships both partners think the sun shines out the other one's ass.

 

Bipolar people just have this internal switch that seems to intensify internal emotions due to outside triggers. So she probably loved you very much, but she is also very capable of cheating on you. THIS IS HER NORMAL PERSONALITY AND NOT NECESSARILY A SYMPTOM OF BIPOLAR. She has not apologized, or done anything to alleviate the pain she has caused you. That is on her.

 

Things didn't work out because things didn't work out, let it go, for your own sake.

[Eagle755]

She did apologize. We went two weeks of her groveling and begging me back, doing anything she could. But it ended up being too much for her to see me, because she'd start crying whenever she saw me, then have episodes of anger and didn't want to do that to me anymore, that's why she moved a couple thousand miles away

I know for a fact she would have never cheated on me before. She had guys trying to talk to her left and right and always ignored them because I'm definitely enough for her. Attractive, intelligent, great lover very great, great body, big things ahead of me, all around awesome. I don't have an ego, I just simply know myself.

That's why none of it makes sense. Why leave me, then do things with a guy that lives with his parents, looks like a truck hit him,(I'm friends with his ex and she always told me how chubby and gross he was, and how bad he was at everything) typical looking trailer trash.

She told me she had just given up on me and gave up on trying with me around the time she stopped taking medicine. But if that were true, why move in with me, why stay with me, why continue a relationship for 6 months?

[Eagle755]

Maybe she really had given up on me and was just waiting for a replacement to end things. And when her replacement turned out to be an extreme downgrade, she hurried to try and fix things between us, but since I self destructively slept with 3 other women to get back at her, it drove her to move away and take a year apart

Idk, I can't know anything in this state of mind

[JoeFallkon]

Its not your fault. Its theirs, but like i said, they will never admit for anything wrong and make you feel guilty i had to apologize to her for sht i didnt do after we argued, just to make up. They know how to play mind games and they know how to make people feel sorry for them.

Im still thinking about it. to see if she will ever come back, she asked me to last night. And she also said she wants to marry me, but got a lil upset when i asked her to wait a lil.

I had to leave the US for fam reasons. she came in feb, left after 3 months.

Did a lot of **** to me here too.

Now she wants to come back after all the crap she talked about me. I just dont know cuz they tell you something even promise. And its so easy for them to break them. Thats why i cannot trust her. But if i tell her that, she d be like.. "well with no trust, we cant work" thats why sometimes i have to keep stuff to myself.

No one in my family likes her because of what she has done to me. But like my old neighbor said " she is sick and i feel bad for her, but ive also know the side that you love"

My old neighbor had a brother with bipolar, so she understands. I still talk to her from time to time.

I had never met or imagined how this relationship was gonna turn out. Just like all the other guys she has met. I wouldve hit and quit, but now its too late. I fell for her.