sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) For those who don't know my story, my ex made the decision to end the relationship when I untagged him on Facebook due to anxiety. It was in response to some page he liked which made me felt insecure, raised some doubts in my head. He tried to call but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk about it. So he basically told me he needed space. I gave him 24 hours of space. My gut told me it's over as he never asked for space. Anyway, he made the decision it won't work. I broke his heart. I did the usual pleading, reanalysing, facebook messages, talked to his mom/sister, send him texts, emails, drop letters to his house, bake cakes as peace offerings etc. It was in hindsight, totally creepy of me. I love him like he is a part of my soul, but due to a really bad marriage, it takes a lot for me to trust someone can actually love me for me. He too, did everything a good bf should do except planning dates. We basically got stuck in a rut as I got busy and stop planning fun dates, hoping he will do it instead. His idea of a great day is to stay at home, watch movies back to back and have sex. I found he has been trying to stay in touch with his exes about 6 months into our relationship (we been together for a year). Almost all of them told him that they don't understand why he still try to make contact when he was the one who ditched them, asked him to play by the rules and no longer contact them. The last message he sent on LInkedIn was to this Indonesian girl in reply to her message to stay over in Indonesia when he visits, upon which he said if he can stay in her bed. My FINAL letter to him wrote to let him know I discovered his sexting ages ago, how it made me feel and how I felt he has f@#$ed up everything for us because he broke my trust. Now although it's been 3 months, I still feel all this guilt in me. I can't remove it and I'm still feeling that I'm the one who broke his heart and I should make amends despite already apologising for months. I felt he must have been creeped out by my attempts and hence, even more guilt because it's definitely not who I really am. I know he isn't happy as I was looking at his Facebook page before I started strict NC and all his posts had so little likes from friends, made me feel sorry for him. He never block any of his exe, I'm the only one so far. He didn't even block hs last girlfriend who basically treated him like a doormat. So I felt that confirmed that I broke his heart. I also don't know if I should be upset as he didn't send anything super sleazy except the part he replied about stay in her bed. Am I making excuses for his behavior? All this guilt in me, I don't know how to remove it.... It's holding me back. I'm not sure if I stay in NC, if it's the right thing to do as I'm the one at fault for the break up. I have doubts that NC will only make him hate me for not trying hard enough, and I"ll end up losing him. Edited July 6, 2014 by sugarlove
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Keep strict NC and try to move on. He broke your trust long ago, and the relationship didn't heal. I don't think he broke up with you because you broke his heart. He realized his own guilt and that YOUR trust in him may never return. He is right, you two probably won't work. Don't feel guilty, your insecurities were rational. Thank you.. I do feel I've overreacted to his comment inviting himself to her bed. I mean she's in Indonesia.. surely it's purely for fun with no intention on his part to act on it.
Abby_be Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 You are making excuse for his behavior. He already wanted out (even if it was just a thought at that stage) and what you did just gave him an excuse to get out easily . I can't believe you are blaming yourself . Just like cheaters blame the other person for not trusting him/her 2
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 You are making excuse for his behavior. He already wanted out (even if it was just a thought at that stage) and what you did just gave him an excuse to get out easily . I can't believe you are blaming yourself . Just like cheaters blame the other person for not trusting him/her I think I have the tendency to have a victim mindset due to a history with DV. Even when my ex husband treated me like dirt, I still felt guilty for making him do so. The only difference is my ex husband was never really nice, and he hasn't changed at all whereas my exbf is a really nice guy, he did everything for me and was in love with me more than I was. So this took me by surprise.. and still the guilt I feel won't go away.
Abby_be Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 He treated you well because it is just him. He will treat every woman well. So it's not like he treats you well only because he likes you. Your ex husband treated you bad probably because he is a bad person and he generally doesn't treat people right. All I'm saying is this doesn't justify his behavior and doesn't mean his love to you is solid. It just means he has manners.and just because he has manners doesn't mean you should be with him otherwise it's your loss 1
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thank you for saying that. I've never heard that been said to me before. He wanted to marry me and settle down. But I felt that he only knew the kids for 4 months, surely he cant make a lifelong commitment so soon and I handle this badly. In our last argument, I told him that the kids are not his and never will be. He said that's it. After all this plans we made, I still won't trust him. I haven't talk to him face to face with my apology for what I said. I always felt I'm a nice person who do good all the time.. just what I saI'd is so cruel even for me.
Abby_be Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Haven't you apologized enough?? you don't need any face to face anymore.. maybe hes already seeing someone else. 90% of time guys break up cuz of a third woman.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.[1][2] The FBI's Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly 8% of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome.[3] [/url] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 You're a lot like me sugarlove. You commented on one of my posts the other day and gave some pretty good advice about my break up with my bipolar ex gf. Even though I know for a fact that things between us got sour because of her mental illness of being bipolar and who knows what else. Even though she got mad 24/7, and mood swung 24/7, and would simply not go back on her medicine, and broke up with me, and slept with another guy. I still have so much gut wrenching guilt that piles on me so randomly I'm not sure of any advice to give you, but maybe my own experience in this might help you understand you aren't alone 1
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Haven't you apologized enough?? you don't need any face to face anymore.. maybe hes already seeing someone else. 90% of time guys break up cuz of a third woman. Well he is not seeing anyone at the time of breakup.. I know becuase i felt i am the one who caused it. And he was completely surprised. I did apologise.. so many times. My brother said if he indeed love me, after all i did.. surely itll touch his hesrt enough to know i didnt mean it. I even forgive him for his sexting. I didnt tell him that though.. Took it as it's nothing big to not forgive him.
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.[1][2] The FBI's Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly 8% of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome.[3] [/url] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome He was very kind to me.. He basically worship the ground I walked on. Other than that, I'm the one who always plan dates. If i dont, we will be just stayung in and have sex. Our first valentines gift.. He gave me a photo which was photocopied of us. And a bunch of roses he bought. I have never had a Vday gift so shabbily given but I took it as it's becuase he's laid back. He's the nicest guy i met so far.. and the fact he told me it was becuase of what i said that ruined our plans to buy a house. I felt guilty.. towards him.. towards my kids as well. 2.5 months. I never stop trying to say I'm sorry.
Abby_be Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Well he is not seeing anyone at the time of breakup.. I know becuase i felt i am the one who caused it. And he was completely surprised. I did apologise.. so many times. My brother said if he indeed love me, after all i did.. surely itll touch his hesrt enough to know i didnt mean it. I even forgive him for his sexting. I didnt tell him that though.. Took it as it's nothing big to not forgive him. how can you be so sure that he wasnt seeing someone else? or how do you know he doesnt already have feelings for someone else?
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 You're a lot like me sugarlove. You commented on one of my posts the other day and gave some pretty good advice about my break up with my bipolar ex gf. Even though I know for a fact that things between us got sour because of her mental illness of being bipolar and who knows what else. Even though she got mad 24/7, and mood swung 24/7, and would simply not go back on her medicine, and broke up with me, and slept with another guy. I still have so much gut wrenching guilt that piles on me so randomly I'm not sure of any advice to give you, but maybe my own experience in this might help you understand you aren't alone What you said did resonate to me.. it's becuase you love her so you can see beyond her mistakes. Me too. Towards his. But he won't see past mine. He knew about my abusive past.. He won't give me time to trust him.. it's suddenly my fault that I felt apprehensive about moving in. Esp with kids. He dosent understand... I can't drop everythjng without making sure, esp when he just knew the kids for 4 months. I said what I said and I apologised. I've never lied or cheated on him. Always kind and loving.. I don't understand it...
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 how can you be so sure that he wasnt seeing someone else? or how do you know he doesnt already have feelings for someone else? I don't know now.. but before the breakup, he visit me every night after work. We spend all weekends together.. He was always by my side from morning till night. He text me when he reaches home . And first thing in the morning.
Abby_be Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) I don't know now.. but before the breakup, he visit me every night after work. We spend all weekends together.. He was always by my side from morning till night. He text me when he reaches home . And first thing in the morning. when i was trying to reconcile with my ex, we talked everyday. I thought i was the only girl but turns out hes seeing another girl everyday as well.. besides didn't you already find out hes sexting someone else? anyway my point is not to say he is seeing someone or not. your brother is right.If he wanted to be with you he would have accepted your apologies ages ago. He doesn't want to be with you period. Edited July 6, 2014 by Abby_be
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 I guess he doesn't. Not after what I said. I did found out he was contacting his exes and some random linkedin girls last year. But becuase they all said to him to leave them alone after he ditched them, I felt I've no cause to worry. He never once during those contact told them he has a gf.. not once did he mention me. Some of them dod asked if he has a gf now.. which he ignored. In fact, one of this exes told him to eff off and who am I to him (she saw his fb profile pic of us)n am I his wife or fiancee? He didn't reply to her about me. Instead he said he forgot how angry she was.
Eagle755 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I'm in your same boat. Even though she screwed up, and slept with another guy. I went back to her trying to fix and repair things, trying to move past it. But she pushed me away further the more I pulled. Plus, she had broken my trust a few months before that with something else bad, and she didn't even give me time to repair that trust, before she got tired of waiting, and screwed it all up Relationships really suck, its really a big game of tug of war, one person will always care more Must be why nc works so well, because the other person finally sees you moving on, and that's when they start to care I'm extremely kind and loving, never even talked to another girl, was the only bf she had that wasn't abusive, and I still get the **** end of the stick I guess it just happens, I've yet to find closure myself:\
Author sugarlove Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 I'm in your same boat. Even though she screwed up, and slept with another guy. I went back to her trying to fix and repair things, trying to move past it. But she pushed me away further the more I pulled. Plus, she had broken my trust a few months before that with something else bad, and she didn't even give me time to repair that trust, before she got tired of waiting, and screwed it all up Relationships really suck, its really a big game of tug of war, one person will always care more Must be why nc works so well, because the other person finally sees you moving on, and that's when they start to care I'm extremely kind and loving, never even talked to another girl, was the only bf she had that wasn't abusive, and I still get the **** end of the stick I guess it just happens, I've yet to find closure myself:\ It sucks.. especially when we cant erase the good memories we had with them. I'm going NC too.. partly because I want to see how much he actually love me and partly because I've said and done all I can I can't do anything more. I'm tired emotionally.. This guilt I feel.. I wonder how to remove it when I can't erase the words and things I said which cause him to give up on us. Argh... just have to wait.. or for him to get a gf so I can just give up Al hope.
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