rose27 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 7 months, I'm 27 and he's 30. His ex girlfriend cheated on him with with a few different guys and I can see that it has affected him quite a bit, especially since they broke up about 4 years ago. He didn't have a serious relationship until he met me. Before we met, I booked a 3 week trip overseas (L.A, Vegas and New York). When we first met, he knew I was leaving for 3 weeks and he seemed fine about it. Within a few months, I noticed that he started acting funny around me and getting moody for no reason. He was also being very distant, so when I asked him what his problem was, he told me that it was about me going away. He basically thinks that I'm going to cheat on him while I'm there. He told me that if I cared about him, I would have cancelled the trip, even though I'd already paid for flights and accommodation. Naturally, I was initially angry at him for thinking that of me, but then I realised he has these fears of me cheating which stem from his previous relationship. We discussed things and then he apologised for acting that way and we seemed to resolve everything for a while, even though I noticed that when I mentioned anything about the holiday, he would go quiet. Now that my trip is only a few weeks away, I've noticed him doing the same thing again. He's keeping his distance and being extra moody. I haven't seen him all week, which is unusual. When I questioned him about it, he told me he was busy with work and studies etc. I let it go because I know he works hard, but I knew deep down this had something to do with my trip. I couldn't handle it anymore so I contacted him today to ask if he was doing this because of the trip and he admitted that he was. He then told me that all girls cheat when they go overseas and he's making me feel bad about leaving. Just so you all know, I also asked him to join us on the trip but he said that he couldn't go, so it's not like I told him that he wasn't welcome to join us. I'm only going with a female cousin of mine who is a little older than me and we both really needed to get away. If we wanted to get loaded, we could easily do that at home and If I wanted to go to meet guys, I wouldn't have gone into a relationship with him - something I've explained to him already but it clearly doesn't sink in. I really just want to get some advice on how to handle the situation. I know his insecurities are something he needs to sort out himself, but I guess I would like to know how to approach the situation the right way. I feel like no matter what I say, it doesn't mean anything to him and he makes out that I'm telling lies and that I don't know what I'm capable of doing while I'm there. I'm not even looking forward to going now because of this . I know they say that time apart can either make or break a relationship and I'm so worried about leaving because I don't want it to be the latter. Any advice would be much appreciated. Edited July 6, 2014 by rose27 Mistakes
meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Sounds like he is insecure. I would just be sweet to him but don't go over the top with the reassurance. If he will talk about it that would be ideal but if he won't try not to make a big deal over it bc it might add fuel to the fire. If you don't change your behavior it might make him feel more stable. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Try to reassure him. Don't change your plans. Keep regular, but reasonable communication with him during the trip. Discuss what this will look like. 3
ktya Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 My ex fiancee cheated on me and as we were working through it she and her family did a trip to south africa. I didnt want to stop her from going but i knew i would be beside myself. Being cheated on by a long term serious partner almost gives you ptsd. Things can trigger it and it took me two years after i broke up with her to get completely over it, and i broke up with her 2 years after it happened. The best thing you can do for him is to be accountable and in regular contact. What i asked my ex to do was to email me once each day at the end of the day, to use emailing me as a diary of sorts and to send me pictures. I felt that that way i would know what she was up to so my mind wouldnt race so bad. She did it for the first 3 or 4 days and then stopped - the trip was three weeks long. By the 7th day i was beside myself. Seeing as we broke up a year later for because she was cheating again i would assume she probably was. So if you offer to do that for your boyfriend, it may make him feel somewhat better. Just be damn sure to actually do it. Dont feel bad about him acting this way, it is not a judgement of your character. It is just that he knows his mind will race with you being off and about. A bundle of phone cards for quick goodnight calls would also do wonders. If he knows your going to bed he might also feel better. 2
preraph Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 He's being unreasonable and you've done all you can do to appease him. He doesn't get to dictate your every more now or every. Plans were premade, they're important to you. Suggest he spend that time in therapy if he can't get past it. I'm kidding. But it's tempting. Tell him you'll skype every night if that will help but he's got to start trusting you sometime because he has no right to make your life miserable forever over what one woman did. Everyone has been cheated on. 3
Author rose27 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 I think I've done as much as I can. I've even gone to the point where I've written a short letter for him to open each day that I'm gone and I've reassured him that I will make contact with him at least once a day. I think it's frustrating because I want to spend time with him before I leave but he wants to spend less time with me and make me feel bad - I guess to protect himself? I don't know. But it's just really frustrating!
contact1 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Read carefully what Ktya said, it is just those sinking feelings of it happening again. It would be the same if you had been cheated on by a BF you had a long term relationship with and now your current BF is going to all these places (and Vegas of all places, Sin City). The e-mail idea is a good one, and you should still go to your trip since it is paid for it. Just let him know that you understand his worries, and will try to ease them with the e-mail, but also remind him that you shouldn't have to suffer due to someone else's action, that's the best you can really do. 1
iiiii Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Wow, big red flags. Honestly, if he thinks you are going to cheat on him just because you are separate from him for three weeks, either you have done something to cause mistrust, or he has issues that he needs to deal with.
kolleamm Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Go on your trip. It would be pretty unfair for you to have to cancel it just because he doesn't trust you. Usually in my past relationships when I've had my partner question my activities and so on I would just tell them, look either you trust me or you don't, that's up to you, not me, I have my own life as well. I think you should make it clear to him that you will not tolerate his silent treatments. Tell him the past is the past and that you are not one of those girls like his ex that will cheat on him, ASSUMING his ex even cheated on him, he could just be using that as an excuse to keep you locked into the relationship more firmly, I know my last ex did that, she would tell me all of these stories about how all of these guys left her and that all guys are the same in hopes of keeping me there out of pity. When I broke up with her I told her, gee I'm not surprised all those guys left you, your a total control freak. Take charge of your life and go where you need to go with or without him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) He's holding you emotional hostage for someone else's mistakes. That's his issue to deal with. You've done all you can to reassure him. Keep in touch while you're gone and be kind to him, but don't let his insecurity taint your vacation. You shouldn't have to spend your holiday wondering and worrying about you boyfriend's reactions to your pre-arranged holiday. Him telling you to cancel your trip is BS. And so is claiming that all girls cheat while on holiday. If he really believes that, there is almost nothing you can do to soothe his fear. Be careful moving forward with someone who sees things so black-and-white and tries to manipulate you into changing your life plans. I had a guy try to pull the same crap with me once. He blew up at me when I went on an overnight trip with a girlfriend while she was visiting me abroad. Serious trust issues are not the foundation of a relationship. Edited July 6, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 2
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 You know why he's feeling like this -- because his EX cheated. It's still early in your relationship so his past hasn't let him heal yet. There's no reason to dump him when you can reassure him. I'd just keep in touch while you are away. Send him a text, e-mail or FB as often as you can but no more than 1x per day. Call maybe once per week. Send him a few snail mail postcards, maybe 4 (the 1st from the AP before you leave) Also but him a small souvenir from each place & tease him by telling him you got him surprises but not what. Give them to him when you get home. My husband & I were apart for 10 days over our 1st New Year's because I booked a big trip before I met him. This worked for us. When he picked me up, he gave me a bag of Hershey's kisses & one of the big ones for all of the kisses including the midnight NYE smooch we missed while I was gone 2
preraph Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I think I've done as much as I can. I've even gone to the point where I've written a short letter for him to open each day that I'm gone and I've reassured him that I will make contact with him at least once a day. I think it's frustrating because I want to spend time with him before I leave but he wants to spend less time with me and make me feel bad - I guess to protect himself? I don't know. But it's just really frustrating! Okay, now he's crossed the line and is being a punitive controlling d*ck who isn't getting his way. I hate men like that. They're the worst. If he's like that now, think what he'll be like if you get married and he thinks he owns you. Do not let him guilt you. He's being a jerk and I think maybe you need to tell him he's acting like a spoiled toddler and that you don't appreciate his efforts to ruin your vacation and that it's not going to work. 1
MissBee Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) All you can do is assure him while you're there by keeping in contact with texts, Skype, calls, emails, sending him pictures of what you're doing etc. and let him know you're thinking about him. That should help him to realize you care and aren't out cheating. You can't do much else. You doing that will either help him to calm down and relax and when you come back things will be fine or regardless he will freak out. You're right, our partners can only assure us to a point, but it's up to us not to sabotage our relationship with our insecurities and we have to be the ones to get a hold of them. Edited July 6, 2014 by MissBee 2
FitChick Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Call him when he's likely to be sleeping, due to the time difference. He may ask you not to call so often! Agree with the others that you should go. Maybe ask him to plan a trip for the future with just the two of you. 1
Author rose27 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Posted July 7, 2014 Go on your trip. It would be pretty unfair for you to have to cancel it just because he doesn't trust you. Usually in my past relationships when I've had my partner question my activities and so on I would just tell them, look either you trust me or you don't, that's up to you, not me, I have my own life as well. I think you should make it clear to him that you will not tolerate his silent treatments. Tell him the past is the past and that you are not one of those girls like his ex that will cheat on him, ASSUMING his ex even cheated on him, he could just be using that as an excuse to keep you locked into the relationship more firmly, I know my last ex did that, she would tell me all of these stories about how all of these guys left her and that all guys are the same in hopes of keeping me there out of pity. When I broke up with her I told her, gee I'm not surprised all those guys left you, your a total control freak. Take charge of your life and go where you need to go with or without him. It's funny you mention that he could be using this an excuse, you could even be right. If that were true, I think that would push me to breaking point. I HATE being lied to!
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 rose27 -- you have graciously agreed to every sane accommodation possible. If he can't accept those gestures you are better off without him.
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