meeji Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 After a string of dates with various guys that were willing to do everything except commit I finally met someone who I thought was good for me. Met the guy on OKC, first date was very smooth and there after. We were spending a lot of time together and one day he asked if I was seeing other guys, which I was. He said that he very interested in me and uninterested in seeing anyone else also that he wanted us to become exclusive and asked if I would consider dropping the others. I did shortly after since things were going so well, he bought up the relationship talk and we became an item. The first flag I noticed was the speed. It was probably 2 weeks before he asked about my dating practices and another week or so after that when we decided to start. He said that it was going to take some time for him to adjust to "boyfriend," mode as he has been single for the past 4 years and only having one relationship of 3 years (live-in). I expressed my concerns about the timing but I decided to go for it since he seemed like the go-getter and smitten by me. It has been one month officially. The good: We have a great time together and we're both pretty comfortable with the other and it seems like the chemistry was awesome from day one. If I am not feeling well he doesn't not hesitate to come to the rescue. He does plenty to show that he cares for me and I reciprocate. In public and otherwise he is very affectionate and just a sweet guy in general. Has a "real job," a car, his own place and seems to be established. The bad: When I try to have adult conversations with him he cannot handle it. His default is to get flustered and then disappear. After a day or two he surfaces, we talk and he just tells me how frustrated he is with me we smooth it out and a few days later repeat. He told me that it upsets him when I make suggestions ( he begged me to go to ikea and help him with furniture but when I suggested something he got so irritated.) He says that it makes him feel like I think he is incompetent and incapable of making his own decisions. I'm seeing that as an insecurity that has little to do with me and why would you invite someone to come if you didn't want them to participate? I'm finding that he lashes out often whenever his emotions come into play. He has this abrasive way of speaking to me that I do not like and I explain to him that he should think about how it makes me feel when he talks to me that way. He throws his hands up and doesn't want to discuss it or I get "Oh, not this again...." We recently talked and I told him that I cannot communicate with him if he continues to shut me out and stonewall me. He says he understands and up to this point he hadn't taken responsibility for any of it. He said he knows he is stubborn and possessive about his space and the things in it. He said that thought he wanted a serious relationship but he is having a hard time adjusting to being my boyfriend. He pointed out a couple of things that weren't fair to me and he basically said he never thought about it but now he doesnt know if he is ready. He said our relationship otherwise is great and he doesn't want to let me go because I might become the one that got away. He said he cried when he found a gift that I left for him in his apartment and at this point I'm not confident that he knows what he wants. Tomorrow I am going over to talk pretty much with the intent to end it. I'm feeling like no amount of love, patience, compassion or anything else that I can offer will fix this situation. I feel like the problems with this relationship are due to hang ups that he has and that he isn't willing or ready to work them out. They are his problems and not "We," problems. It also occurred to me that he probably had the idea that relationship are too much work or he's been avoiding dealing with himself for so long that it could be the reason why he hasn't dated for the past 4 years. I attributed these things to be inexperience but now I'm not sure. I feel like I have the patience to work with him but if he is going to blame me and say i'm overreacting every time he gets emotional this just isn't going to work. He seems unwilling to recognize these issues, he cannot admit when he is wrong, he is self-righteous and doesn't have any interest in compromise. I dated a guy who taught me many things that I didn't know about communication and trust. The difference is that I was willing to learn.. Is it possible for this to be worked out? I adore the guy but I didn't sign up to become this therapist... Should I give it some more time or just call it quits?
Eivuwan Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I sort of had some of the same issues with my last relationship. It wasn't so much that he would stonewall me, but he has trouble compromising because he is scared of losing his freedom. Regardless, I realize at the end that it just wasn't possible to be in a relationship until he goes to therapy and work his stuff out (which he is doing now so good for him). Your guy won't even communicate so I think this is going to be even harder for you. He does seem like he needs to work on himself first and stop avoiding his issues.
todreaminblue Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 give it time, adjusting to a relationship isnt easy especially when you are not that experienced ....assimilating into a couple from total freedom is a step that takes time and understanding to get used too..you still need room to breathe and build a closer relationship with compassion and understanding but take breathing space for both of you...it can work if you want it to work.....i wish you well....deb 1
KatZee Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 If you're seeing these traits now, I don't think they're going to get any better. My ex exhibited all of the traits you spoke of and it was NOT a fun time at all. I think you're lucky because he's letting you see this very early on. In my case, I didn't see it until we were together for YEARS and by that point it was very hard to get out. You brought this up to him and he hasn't taken responsibility nor has he adjusted his behavior at all. He's not going to make changes until he receives consequences.
Author meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks for the input guys. he has trouble compromising because he is scared of losing his freedom. I think this is his problem. We went to walmart and picked up a candle before he even smelled it he said "I dont want my apartment smelling like flowers. I don't want that." It wasn't a floral scent he just didn't like that he didn't choose it. He told me if something only affects him he didn't want my input at all and if its something for both of us we could decide together. He is still hung up on what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours. I tried to explain to him that when you compartmentalize your life that like that you will always be pushing people away and there will never be room for a companion. Your guy won't even communicate so I think this is going to be even harder for you. He communicates 2 days AFTER THE FACT, which to me is pretty ridiculous. I'm supposed to bottle me thoughts and feelings up for two days every time something happens? It's a little inconsiderate and immature. give it time, adjusting to a relationship isnt easy especially when you are not that experienced I really want to think that this is the truth but I'm afraid that I might end up wasting a lot of time and energy in this. If he was willing to work on it I would be willing too but right now he is resisting so hard. How stupid would I be to try to give it another go? In my case, I didn't see it until we were together for YEARS and by that point it was very hard to get out. WOW! That sucks. I wonder how he was able to hide it that long. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I'm sure it was very difficult. How did you end up getting over it?
guest569 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Your 'good list' is a lot shorter than the 'bad list' and it sounds like you have made your mind up already. Either way, you must be completely certain before you try to end it cause he will probably try to talk you out of it!
Author meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Your 'good list' is a lot shorter than the 'bad list' and it sounds like you have made your mind up already. Either way, you must be completely certain before you try to end it cause he will probably try to talk you out of it! In the event that he says says that he wants to work on himself that would be a first and a step in the right direction. I think its probably fair to give him a chance to do something about it. That's pretty much the only way I would stay.
Author meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Just got home from his place. I got the rest of my stuff. Even up till the very moment I exited his apartment he was still putting everything on me. Not worth the trouble. It is over. Thanks for the comments. Boy do I know how to pick them.
ja123 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Sorry to hear that. What happened over at his place tonight? Did he try to talk you out of breaking up? Or did he just blame you for everything?
Author meeji Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Sorry to hear that. What happened over at his place tonight? Did he try to talk you out of breaking up? Or did he just blame you for everything? He basically said that he thought that i had already broken up with him. He said that being in a relationship was a top Priority for him and now it is at the bottom. Whatever he is running from is attached to relationships in his mind. He said he might be single forever. I just said that i was hurt and that i cared about him, got my stuff and left. It wasnt much of a battle. He didnt fight to keep me and i didnt fight to stay.
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