The Grieving Process

[whydidthishappentome]

Been posting to this forum periodically over the past year. In a nutshell, I'm divorced, two kids, then had a LTR over 10 years (long story there) that ended over a year ago now, but I initially never got the memo. I thought we were just fighting or we hit a rough spot or he needed time alone. He was never one for communicating very well and working through things. Guess he was emotionally checking out. I think it just got too hard from his POV. I tried to text/talk/email over a few months but he finally said do not contact me, I've moved on, which was a little over a year ago.

 

A little before that final blow, I realized he was on dating sites which I discovered because I myself made a profile in an effort to not grieve. So I honored his wishes and hoped during this past year maybe he would miss me and contact me. I was doing better, not thinking of him as much, but still had a glimmer of hope. I tried dating, I am just not emotionally available.

 

Well he had luck, if that's what you call it, within a couple of months because his profile was taken down and guess what, he's married now. Yep, all in a year's time from what I can tell. Here I was doing better, then I just found this out a month ago now, and started grieving again.

 

I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to put myself out there again. I'm angry that I waited all this time for us finally to focus on our relationship and now this. He has given this wife everything we were supposed to have, and put on an actual wedding too. Guess he won the lottery because now he has money for all of this? His wife really appears to be someone who was hunting for a husband and really didn't want to be alone. Yes I've done a little "research" just trying to put the pieces together. She's not young, beautiful, or successful, from what I see. She doesn't have anything over me, yes ok, that's snarky, so at least I'm not jealous about that! I mean she really didn't have much so he must have looked like a big shot to her.

 

I truly think age and fear of being alone had something to do with it, maybe for both of them. I know how that works. Happened to my ex husband. Met someone on line who was looking for a husband and rushed into marriage, and then he tried to leave her several times.

 

A mutual friend of ours thought it was really odd, how fast this marriage took place. She didn't know he was in a relationship and was shocked to find out too. She thinks he probably did want to talk to me over the past year but this wife is controlling. Her 22 year old daughter lives with them too, my point being her daughter must not have much going for her either. My friend said the wife must know about me and made sure he posted his marriage to his Facebook so I'll know, at least through everyone else since I'm not his friend and he rarely uses Facebook. I really never thought about it that way.

 

Ok so I figure if I ever hear from him again it will be because he is not happy in his marriage and maybe realize I'm the one who got away. Then how will I react to him if this does come about? I suppose time will tell.

 

So that's where I am today. Trying to make sense of of this. Trying to grieve, trying to treat this as a death and follow all the rules and advice, trying to accept I'll may never have closure as to why he left or fully understand how he could jump into this marriage so quickly. Everyone says it takes time and to work on yourself. I have accepted that I may never get over this. Everyone's timeline is different. I have plenty going on in my life that keeps my attention. But it's those moments of quiet I drift back to wondering what in the world happened and how am I supposed to get through this? Dating? Ugh. I'll have to force myself. Besides, I'm not so young anymore. Maybe I'm just done for the rest of my life and maybe that's ok too. Who knows.

 

Thoughts? Comments?

[ktya]

Do not try to make sense of it. Your brain will burn circles and you will never find the answers. Little in love and relationships makes sense and each relationship is different.

 

Stop playing detective.

 

My ex fiancee left me after we were together 9 years. I like you held out hope for a year and it was fruitless waste of time. I dated and even had a few girlfriends during that time but still pined, kept the momentos blabla. I tried to have a talk with her about getting back together just past the one year mark when we were both single. She called me and we started having a nice conversation but i had to let her go as it was friday night and i had a friend over. She told me to call her back the next day at noon. Screened my call and said she was now seeing this guy, she had obviously met him the night before, i was furious.

 

I chucked all the momentos and ditched any hope of getting back with her or even talking to her.

 

That year was a tremendous waste of my time.