Is it common to want a man opposite of my father?

[dragon_fly_7]

If there is anything I would not want is my potential bf to be another version of my father. I actually want him to be a complete opposite of my father.

 

Now, I've read somehow about how an adult woman tends to seek a partner that has qualities her father had (as well as girls who grew up with in abusive households tend to end up with an abusive bf because they think that's normal) but with me, it had an opposite effect. I don't want those qualities in my partner.

Edited July 5, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[ASG]

Of course it's normal! If you don't recognise many good qualities in your dad, why would you want them in a partner?

It just means you managed to identify those things and I'd say that is healthier than the people who don't manage to and end up in a vicious cycle of abuse.

[dragon_fly_7]

Of course it's normal! If you don't recognise many good qualities in your dad, why would you want them in a partner?

It just means you managed to identify those things and I'd say that is healthier than the people who don't manage to and end up in a vicious cycle of abuse.

True. Though he does have certain good things, the main negative qualities kills it all for me.

 

Negative qualities such as:

1) Moody and short-tempered

2) Yelling at a wife ''Shut up'' at the top of your lungs during every single argument. I see that as not only verbally abusive and tells me he has the vocabulary of a 5 year-old and that he probably wouldn't say that if it were Mike Tyson he were having an argument with.

3) Believing in spanking a child with a belt or hands

4) Keep annoying someone to listen to you when you clearly are walking away or don't want to hear that boring topic

5) Annoying a wife with sarcastic comment but when she obviously wants him to shut up, he doesn't and keeps going on

6) Displaying certain machismo traits

[MissBee]

I'm the same.

 

My dad is my dad and I love him...but frankly he has issues, one of which is that he is a serial cheater and he's selfish. He is also emotionally unavailable in a lot of ways, inconsistent and a host of other undesirable qualities. He has his good points but for the most part has a lot to work on.

 

That said: I have ALWAYS said I'd NEVER want a man like my dad. Ironically, I would subconsciously choose men just like him though. He's also very charming, so I'd meet charming men who later proved themselves to be either cheaters, self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable, unreliable etc. I had to realize that I was trying to rewrite our relationship with them and when I became aware I'd be able to recognize them for who they were...clones of my dad. I actually felt ill when I realized it.

 

Now I'm with a man who isn't like him and go out of my way to run from any man who reminds me of him. For my future daughters' sakes I would love for them to have a dad that they admire and where they wouldn't mind someone like him or where our relationship has set a high bar for what they deserve and should expect from a partner.

[Tressugar]

I love my father; he's a good man. Upstanding military man and everything! But I love bad boys! Every man that I've married has been a bad boy.

[Els]

If there is anything I would not want is my potential bf to be another version of my father. I actually want him to be a complete opposite of my father.

 

Now, I've read somehow about how an adult woman tends to seek a partner that has qualities her father had (as well as girls who grew up with in abusive households tend to end up with an abusive bf because they think that's normal) but with me, it had an opposite effect. I don't want those qualities in my partner.

 

 

I don't view my dad as black and white - he has some good qualities, some bad ones. I recognize that, and as such I don't look for someone who is a copy or the opposite, but rather someone who embodies the qualities I desire. I can't say that my dad has had zero impact on the it (after all, all of our personalities are shaped one way or another by our childhood experiences), but I do consciously try and make sure that any choices I make are mine and mine alone.

[AnneT1985]

Elswyth I couldn't have said it better myself. I think the healthiest way is to look for the qualities you admire as opposed to a rebellion against something...otherwise it's still letting someone else dictate and control your life, even if it is the opposite.

[salparadise]

do consciously try and make sure that any choices I make are mine and mine alone.

 

Ah yes, nice illusion if you're thoroughly convinced... or would that make it a delusion?

[Els]

Ah yes, nice illusion if you're thoroughly convinced... or would that make it a delusion?

 

The fact that a 100% success rate isn't likely, does not mean that striving for it is useless.