Dating after Divorce

[longjohn]

I met a woman recently, she comes across as very nice, sweet and intelligent. We clicked in a lot of ways and we quickly formed a relationship that's still only a few months old. However (here it is) I was married before and I'm currently divorced and have been for some time. My marriage ended for a number of reasons but the death nail was when I found my ex cheating and discovered her facebook messages, texts and emails etc with the other guy. What's worse is she planned to leave me for him. I was devastated to say the least. I had one previous relationship where the same thing happened. Basically I was with a married woman and didn't find out until she left me to go back to her husband.

 

 

I've a few issues that could be me or could be signs things are not all they appear with the woman I'm with now or maybe I'm a paranoid delusional freak? However I've dated a fair bit since being divorced and never had any feelings things weren't all above board.

 

 

• She's online 24-7 and answers texts at like 4 in the morning. Ok we are all online 24-7.
  
• She'll hit facbook within seconds of my sending a message any time of the day then ignore it, she does not ignore texts. Claims to not see my facebook messages yet facebook says "seen"?
  
• I've gotten texts that I believe where meant for someone else e.g pictures of her in an outfit she wasn't wearing while I was there sent after I leave the house. Like seconds after I leave. I've asked only to be told it was taken for me?
  
• I've gotten texts about meeting for lunch somewhere nice yet she knows it's impossible for us to meet at lunch time. And bruises this off with saying it'd be nice to do
  
• She's read a text "from me" which wasn't from me then asked about it and I've said that's not me. Only to be told ohh sorry that's from my friend and says nothing more about it.
  
• Her phone has gone off in her hand before late at night (like 8pm) with a guy's name on screen and I've been told that's the trainer from the gym.
  
• I've been given the "I have to stay late at work" line yet she works part time and is out around lunch time. Yes I know lunch time text seem to fit that schedule
  
• Says she prefers to come to mine vs hers and because she works part time can get there same time as I get out yet never makes it to mine until later at night e.g. 7 or 8. Always something, traffic, weather, the dog etc.
  

 

I'm hoping here that this is all me and it's baggage from past relationships and that I'm over thinking this and seeing things that aren't there. I have to admit there are times my gut is telling me.. she's seeing someone else or at the very least talking to someone else online or up to something but when asked these questions she denies them and gets quite defensive about it too. Yet when I'm with her everything appears to be perfectly fine? She seems 100% into me, has no interest in her phone at all. Then again it's facedown and I get the feeling she hits it the second I leave the room. I've asked close friends the same questions above and one thinks I'm carrying baggage and over thinking things and the other is sure she's seeing someone else or at the least keeping someone else on the hook.

 

 

Thoughts opinions and comments are most welcome.

[ktya]

She is dating other people.

 

Have you had a conversation with her about going exclusive?

 

In todays dating scene, exclusivity is not assumed by default after sex or anything else.

 

You just need to have a talk with her about where you two are at. After a few months theres nothing wrong with that. Just dont get too emotional about it and need yourself out.

[longjohn]

She is dating other people.

 

Have you had a conversation with her about going exclusive?

 

In todays dating scene, exclusivity is not assumed by default after sex or anything else.

 

You just need to have a talk with her about where you two are at. After a few months theres nothing wrong with that. Just dont get too emotional about it and need yourself out.

 

 

 

That's exactly what my gut is saying too. We sat down and talked and agreed to be exclusive a couple of weeks into this. A week or two later I texted to double check and she again agreed even asked why I asked again. Yet I still think I'm being played here. I mean she takes her phone to the bathroom, then says she didn't want to appear uninterested in me. There are periods like this weekend where she's had to go to a family event and didn't want to burden me with meeting them all at once. I've met no family and/or friends yet. I think I need to kill this so called relationship and fast.

[RonaldS]

You are being played.

 

Now, the question to ask yourself before going into another relationship is, 'Why do all of these women look for something else while they're with me?'

 

That's not to imply fault on your part. But we can't ignore patterns. You're effectively 0-3 in relationships, with all of them seemingly following the same storyline. Now, if I were to speculate...and it wouldn't be an internet message board without rampant, baseless speculation...I would guess that in relationships, you are not coming across as a strong, independent man. Women must feel like they can run BS on you all day. Why is that? And why are you ending up with those types?

 

Bail on this chick. You've got some homework to do.

[ktya]

That's exactly what my gut is saying too. We sat down and talked and agreed to be exclusive a couple of weeks into this. A week or two later I texted to double check and she again agreed even asked why I asked again. Yet I still think I'm being played here. I mean she takes her phone to the bathroom, then says she didn't want to appear uninterested in me. There are periods like this weekend where she's had to go to a family event and didn't want to burden me with meeting them all at once. I've met no family and/or friends yet. I think I need to kill this so called relationship and fast.

 

Well yes, if she pledged exclusivity and confirmed it then you are getting played.

 

One of my exes did the phone in the bathroom and strange disappearing act thing and when she reappeared it was usually when she was broke.

 

Hit the next button.

 

RonaldS is onto something though, you need to look at yourself to learn why it is that you keep getting this result in your relationships. Im no saint, i have my faults at who i fall in love with too.

 

Things to think about:

 

- do you attach too quickly? Going exclusive within a couple weeks is pretty fast. Maybe if you gave it a little more time to get to know her better?

 

- were there signs that you overlooked? Maybe overlooked them on purpose?

 

- how are you in the relationship itself? Do you get clingy or needy? Do you hold your ground? Do you ensure you are getting your needs met too or are you always giving?

 

- are you settling for the first girl who shows a genuine interest? Maybe dating more girls at a time would help you not get attached too quickly and you will have more to choose from

[longjohn]

You are being played.

 

Now, the question to ask yourself before going into another relationship is, 'Why do all of these women look for something else while they're with me?'

 

That's not to imply fault on your part. But we can't ignore patterns. You're effectively 0-3 in relationships, with all of them seemingly following the same storyline. Now, if I were to speculate...and it wouldn't be an internet message board without rampant, baseless speculation...I would guess that in relationships, you are not coming across as a strong, independent man. Women must feel like they can run BS on you all day. Why is that? And why are you ending up with those types?

 

Bail on this chick. You've got some homework to do.

 

 

 

Funny enough I've been asking myself the exact same question. What am I doing wrong to find these women or am I just finding the wrong types. I'm very strong, independent, have a very good career, make decent money (I'm not rich or anything) own my own house and made some good investments. But why am I getting stuck with or on the ones that appear to want waste my time. If I can figure that out I won't have to deal with this crap again.

[ktya]

Funny enough I've been asking myself the exact same question. What am I doing wrong to find these women or am I just finding the wrong types. I'm very strong, independent, have a very good career, make decent money (I'm not rich or anything) own my own house and made some good investments. But why am I getting stuck with or on the ones that appear to want waste my time. If I can figure that out I won't have to deal with this crap again.

 

Try multi dating for a while. I did the serial monogamy thing and over 17 years kept having similar problems to you albeit not cheating. I wish i had done this years ago, now i am meeting a lot of different types of girls and its a blast. If you are openly non exclusive, cheating also isnt a problem because you can both do whatever you like and the relationships can end at any time.

 

When you find the right girl youll know it because when multi dating every time your phone chirps you will hope its your favorite one.

[longjohn]

Well yes, if she pledged exclusivity and confirmed it then you are getting played.

 

One of my exes did the phone in the bathroom and strange disappearing act thing and when she reappeared it was usually when she was broke.

 

Hit the next button.

 

RonaldS is onto something though, you need to look at yourself to learn why it is that you keep getting this result in your relationships. Im no saint, i have my faults at who i fall in love with too.

 

Things to think about:

 

- do you attach too quickly? Going exclusive within a couple weeks is pretty fast. Maybe if you gave it a little more time to get to know her better?

 

- were there signs that you overlooked? Maybe overlooked them on purpose?

 

- how are you in the relationship itself? Do you get clingy or needy? Do you hold your ground? Do you ensure you are getting your needs met too or are you always giving?

 

- are you settling for the first girl who shows a genuine interest? Maybe dating more girls at a time would help you not get attached too quickly and you will have more to choose from

 

****e, sorry to hear that man. Right now she's doing the disappearing thing. No facebook, no texting no calls. It's exactly like when she's with me only I'm the number on the phone now and I feel like the other guy is asking.. who's that? I suppose I must be the guy from the gym now hahaha. I have to see the humor in this or I'll go clean mad.

 

 

I dated plenty over the past years. I'm very picky about women in general. I've dated a few really nice professional women but all seemed dead vs this one. This one I got the all important fireworks I'd been after. We clicked intellectually, we had a lot in common which is strange. Or she was playing me. Anyway so I took a chance and I've got burnt. I suppose I can't play with fire and not expect to get burnt. I can't think of anything I overlooked at the start however this is where taking a chance sometimes gets you burnt lol. I need to take a step back and look to see if I can find a pattern in my mistakes. In a relationship I expect a partner not a submissive and will stand my ground on things that are important. I'll take as much as I give however I've an obvious weakness somewhere and these types of women see it and move to exploit it. I need to fix this before I find another.

[longjohn]

Try multi dating for a while. I did the serial monogamy thing and over 17 years kept having similar problems to you albeit not cheating. I wish i had done this years ago, now i am meeting a lot of different types of girls and its a blast. If you are openly non exclusive, cheating also isnt a problem because you can both do whatever you like and the relationships can end at any time.

 

When you find the right girl youll know it because when multi dating every time your phone chirps you will hope its your favorite one.

 

I've tried this and while it was fun I never quite found the right one. This one was apparently the right one at least I thought from how she acted and talked. I might be a bad poker player she seen right through my face and my cards lol.

[ktya]

****e, sorry to hear that man. Right now she's doing the disappearing thing. No facebook, no texting no calls. It's exactly like when she's with me only I'm the number on the phone now and I feel like the other guy is asking.. who's that? I suppose I must be the guy from the gym now hahaha. I have to see the humor in this or I'll go clean mad.

 

 

I dated plenty over the past years. I'm very picky about women in general. I've dated a few really nice professional women but all seemed dead vs this one. This one I got the all important fireworks I'd been after. We clicked intellectually, we had a lot in common which is strange. Or she was playing me. Anyway so I took a chance and I've got burnt. I suppose I can't play with fire and not expect to get burnt. I can't think of anything I overlooked at the start however this is where taking a chance sometimes gets you burnt lol. I need to take a step back and look to see if I can find a pattern in my mistakes. In a relationship I expect a partner not a submissive and will stand my ground on things that are important. I'll take as much as I give however I've an obvious weakness somewhere and these types of women see it and move to exploit it. I need to fix this before I find another.

 

Theres your answer.

[longjohn]

Theres your answer.

****e.. the fireworks are the cause of it? That's bad as I'm most drawn to women I feel a spark with. I maybe doomed to date for the rest of my days then and never commit.

[ktya]

****e.. the fireworks are the cause of it? That's bad as I'm most drawn to women I feel a spark with. I maybe doomed to date for the rest of my days then and never commit.

 

The "spark" your attracted to i might guess would be flirty salicious women who turn you on with their sexy talk early on in the relationship, and the dead wood women you date dont possess this because they are determining your long term suitability.

 

I mighr be wrong, but thats the "spark" you seek these women have this same "spark" with every good looking man she meets.

 

Women like this use attention from men to inflate their ego, they simply cannot resist, its like a drug to them.

[longjohn]

The "spark" your attracted to i might guess would be flirty salicious women who turn you on with their sexy talk early on in the relationship, and the dead wood women you date dont possess this because they are determining your long term suitability.

 

I mighr be wrong, but thats the "spark" you seek these women have this same "spark" with every good looking man she meets.

 

Women like this use attention from men to inflate their ego, they simply cannot resist, its like a drug to them.

 

Not at all I tend to avoid women that are too into the "sexy talk" early on. I've even cut dates short when I've encountered women that just want to.. get down to business. That's not what I'm after, if I wanted that I could go to a random bar. I typically spend a number of dates talking to them, getting coffee, eating or having a drink. I keep sexual encounters off the table as a means to avoid causing any issues for both parties. I try to be mature about these things whenever possible. I tend to be very careful not just in the dating world but in general. It's something I've picked up from my job. The spark comes in when I talk to them and find 9 out of 10 things we agree on. It's further enhanced when we find out we like to do the same activities. To me it's like where have you been my whole life haha! The icing on the cake and I'll be honest is the intense passionate sex. However you may well be on point with that comment. If she's a user and I'm providing something she wants. I fear free food, nights out, compliments and yes sex of course then she's using someone else for something else. That is unless I'm so horribly wrong about everything which at this point I don't think I am.

[ktya]

Dunno man. Only you know what you describe as spark is.

 

Maybe you are naiive and dont catch the woman telling you simply what you want to hear?

[longjohn]

Dunno man. Only you know what you describe as spark is.

 

Maybe you are naiive and dont catch the woman telling you simply what you want to hear?

You know I wouldn't be surprised LOL I need to work up a new strategy or have some female friends give me a few pointers as to what I'm doing wrong.

[ktya]

You know I wouldn't be surprised LOL I need to work up a new strategy or have some female friends give me a few pointers as to what I'm doing wrong.

 

Maybe try asking more open ended questions.

 

Ie. Rather than a leading question, like "do you like skiing" maybe try "what kind of outdoor activities do you like"

 

Might help

[longjohn]

Maybe try asking more open ended questions.

 

Ie. Rather than a leading question, like "do you like skiing" maybe try "what kind of outdoor activities do you like"

 

Might help

Thanks but I've asked very open ended questions. I actually thought I'd covered most of the ground this time around. I tend to ask questions then let the other person talk so I can get a feel for who they are and what they value. I don't want to waste their time nor mine with someone I wouldn't get along with or like. Anyway, this one was hitting the nail on the head each and every time I'd say.. what do you think of this, or what are your thoughts on that. It was quite shocking I've not met anyone prior that thought so similarly. That is unless she could read me like a book and told me what I was waiting to hear.

[FitChick]

What are you doing wrong? You are seeing obvious red flags and ignoring them. Then you get emotionally invested even more. You've done all you could do with this one. You had the conversation and she is being evasive. What more do you need?

[BlueIris]

Don’t attach to an interpretation or conclusion too quickly. It precludes seeing other possibilities. People who can pay for their own dinners aren’t going to be seeking dinners.

One possibility is that she just wanted to “win” and did, so she got bored and moved on. I have a girlfriend just like this, and have seen many professional, divorced men who do the same thing. Once they sense your affection and attachment, they’re done. One told me he had never loved anyone who loved him back. (Spooky, to me.) For this subset, the solution isn’t playing games to keep the chase going; it’s avoiding people who play the game to “win” something or someone in the first place. That's tricky to figure out. Anyway... just another possibility.

Edited July 5, 2014 by BlueIris

[mortensorchid]

She is seeing other people. Are you two exclusive? You seem to think that you are, but does she know this? If you have not said that you are "going steady", then she is free to see others. Which I would say for any man who is doing this as well. As for the texts and messages and whatnot, she is being rather careless to just let anyone and anything see them without considering who the audience is or isn't.

 

 

I think it's best that you move on from her, she sounds like a flake.