Dolce15 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Hello all, I'm hoping that there is someone out there on this forum that will relate to my situation and provide some honest feedback/advice. I've been in a relationship with the same man since I was 18, and I'm now 28. He is twice my age, turning 48 this month. When I turned 25 that's when things started to get 'dicey' more or less, there were issues prior to that though but at 25 I started to say 'no' and he didn't like that. The last 2 years my confidence in him has dropped for different reasons. To sum it up, I feel like the adult and he is the child. There have been issues with his work and finances, many times I have had to pay the rent and bills in full because he didn't have money. He's not from the U.S. but has been in the country for 17 years, he says he never learned to save because they don't do that in his country. Last year we decided to go visit his home country, he asked me to buy the plane tickets and he would pay me back, that never happened. I paid 2K for the airline tickets, plus hotels, food etc. This is one example. After the trip we moved to a different apartment because they were increasing the rent on the unit we lived in, I ended up paying another $1500 for the move because he is a truck driver and is only home for a week every 3 weeks. So I packed everything on my own and moved that day on my own so had to hire movers, I don't have a big family or lots of friends so did it on my own, and again because he didn't have money, I also had to pay for it. My thing is, if I'm going to be with someone twice my age, I shouldn't be the one that has to advice them on how to plan for the future, or explain why its a good idea to get life insurance if you want to have kids with me...I'm 28 and still trying to build my life. I know he loves me very much and does his best to make me happy, and I also love him very much. He was my first and only serious relationship, the first man I loved. But I'm realizing that what I saw at 18 years old, is not the same as what I'm seeing now simply because I've grown and matured. He doesn't understand this. For him as long as he loves me I should be happy. So for the last 4 months I've been telling him I need my space to figure myself out, I want my independence, etc. I am seeing a therapist now because I have a lot to work on, I did not have an easy childhood and through therapy, I'm realizing that he is extremely manipulative emotionally. This past Sunday it finally sunk in that I was serious about wanting to leave and he threatened to kill himself, I had to take a knife away from and razor blades, he told me I was selfish, why would I care if he killed himself, I used him for the last 10 years and am throwing him away now. Of course this kills me inside, I have had major guilt over all of this the last 4 months because I do love him deeply but I know he is not the right person for me. I ended up calling 911 because he wouldn't stop, he didn't actually hurt himself and I did feel it was another form of manipulation, but I love him, and I couldn't take the chance of anything bad happening to him. The cops came, then called the fire department and they took him in for a psych evaluation and he was released 3 hours later. Now what has happened is out of my own guilt and vulnerability, and fear that he is going to go crazy again, I gave in when he asked if we were 'back together'....I just said "i guess so" I know this is not what I want, Monday and Tuesday I was sick to my stomach, I had a dr appointment and my blood pressure was high for the first time in my life, I couldn't go to work because I was throwing up. Of course he is going on like everything is back to normal, he wants to kiss and make love and I can't. I'm full of anxiety and guilt now, I feel trapped, I love him and don't want to hurt him, he doesn't have family here or many friends, I'm all he has, and of course, I'm afraid of the 'unknown'...I don't know what to do, I feel like there are two people inside of me, one that is willing to settle because its just easier and I avoid hurting him, and another that wants to run away and be free. I guess I am looking for any sort of advice, hear from someone who was in a similar situation, I don't know. Like I said, this is my first relationship and its been 10 years and I've never been through a breakup so its scary as hell. Thanks for reading..
littledoll Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I think it is absolutely fine if you want to break up with him. Are you staying because you are afraid he will become violent or stalk you or hurt himself? Those are not a really good reasons to stay with someone. I think you should try and impose your boundaries. You should tell him what you want to do with regards to the relationship, how you plan to do it and what you expect of him. I make a point in my own life to avoid manipulative people. They are generally toxic, insecure and selfish. They blame others for their own failures. They refuse to take responsibility for their life. They are extremely envious and try to bring down those who are more successful, confident or who have better prospects than them. Just my two cents.
brittle Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Dolce!! Reading your story, I saw mine. I get together with a man, he was 47, I was 28, he was an immigrant, heavy debt, no job, no savings... He was my first everything, lots of romance, but... I wanted to have NORMAL life with someone responsible, that I can marry to and have kids with... I didn't mind supporting him financially for small things, but to take all the chores?? It is NOT fair, it is NOT fair in your case too. Please please please, listen to me. Find your way out. Use the help of a therapist, friends, family, but get out. He won't kill himself. He is MANIPULATING you. Believe me, I was through EXACTLY the same manipulation when I tried to leave him the first time. It took me nearly an year to get away from him and i feel soooo FREE. You'll be too!
noskilljustluck Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Breaking away from your very first relationship is indeed very hard. But dont hold back and break free. You're in a toxic relationship, and if you stay it will burn you away. Im surprised that it took you this long to see what kind of a man he is, turning you into his puppet. You should have put the facts in way before. However, nothing is late as of yet, it might gut you out but you got to secure your peace. Leave him. Emotionally insecure isnt he? Threatening to kill himself? No, he wont kill himself and wont even cut his finger off for you. If he cant even save and provide you comfort, he wont harm himself, he knows he has hold on you. He's only gonna cash it. Dont tell him anything and silently carve your path out to move away from him. Inform your close friends and family, so they know and support you. Dont be afraid of him, he's already come across the eyes of police, he wont make a mistake of stalking or harassing you once youre out. Muster your strength and do what it takes to move out for your better future. It will hurt like hell, but that hurt is better than the hurt you will get by staying with him. Having one last talk with him wont even be beneficial for you, as youve stated that youve tried doing that ages ago. Best of luck.
brittle Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Are you staying because you are afraid he will become violent or stalk you or hurt himself? Since I've been there I know that ALL THREE OF THE ABOVE were about to happen (well, at least the first two HAPPENED, and he warned me for the third). She needs professional help, people like this can get really violent and even if not for real (just creating "noise") this can be very harmful for her physchologically. I wish I could help for real
Author Dolce15 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thank you all for your responses...it is helpful to know others have been in a similar situation. I've told my close friend, brother and sister in law (I actually called her on Sunday because I needed to talk to someone) and my father and step mother. Also, one of the reasons I started seeing a therapist was to get a neutral parties perspective on the relationship, was I being too demanding, were my feelings legit, etc. My step mother is also a therapist so I feel I have a very strong support system, but of course that can only help so much with the fear and guilt I have. Right now we rent an apt, we've lived together for the last 7 years and our names are both on the lease, the lease does not end until December 26th. I have an opportunity to rent an apartment 10 miles away, my manager recently purchased a condo and is planning to rent it out. I told him I would be interested and briefly explained im in the process of ending things with my boyfriend. He is willing to rent it to me right away, no deposit or credit check (we've worked together 5 years and have a good working relationship). I just don't know what to do with the apartment I'm in now since our lease doesn't expire til December and I know I cannot wait that long. Very thankful I found this forum
brittle Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 You know, the lease is your last problem... I mean this will be 6 months of double-rent price in the worst case, which should be manageable... Just beware for your boyfriend's reaction, from the way how he reacted the first time, it seems likely that he will not accept the things lightly and may follow you. So if you can get a friend or family member to stay with you the first days after your move, you'll be / feel safer I think. Good luck, it seems like you are very strong and the "liberation" day is near 1
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