Razonatair Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) I wanted some advice from someone who wasn't family on this. I met a girl a few weeks ago, and started talking to her. I offered to help her with a class by tutoring her, she accepted and agreed to come over to my house, and did. We got along really freaking well when she came over that first day which is when I decided I liked her because we loved the same things, movies, shows, etc. She didn't pull away when our fingers touched and maintained eye contact with me, smiled, laughed at all my jokes. I said she didn't have to repay me, I enjoyed hanging out with her, but she insisted she buy me lunch. So I agreed, we went to a restaurant, I thought it went well. I made my first mistake, I'm told, when I asked her if it is was a date because I thought it was an honest question. She said no, I said ok. I continued tutoring her, we continued getting along unusually well. Which is strange for me because I'm often uncomfortable around women, yet I feel at ease around her. She took me out to lunch again, which went well too. By then I'd started to develop some real feelings for her because she's so damn similar to me and an awesome, cool person who I get along with really well. She'd also taken to staying with me to watch netflix together after we got done tutoring. I feel like we flirted a lot, though she didn't initiate any touching, I did, and she never pulled away. Then she invited me over to her place to tutor instead of mine, and obviously, in the back of my mind, I thought she might've been wanting to try something because I have to live with my grandmother since I'm going to college and couldn't possibly pay for own place right now at this point in my life. She seemed to indicate something was going to happen. Her mom and dad were there, as was some other relative, and she said they weren't supposed to be, at least the relative and her dad anyway. Which made me think she had wanted the evening to be romantic. I also gave her a birthday card I had personally made for her that she loved and thought was awesome, so it seemed to be going pretty well despite having her parents lurking about. Queue finishing our studying. She says we're going to watch one of her favorite movies, which turns out to be a bit of an old timey romantic comedy from the 80's. We sit together on her couch with most of the lights off. I tried to get close to her, thinking, with reason, romantic movie, dim lights, cute girl who seems to like me, she wants me to be romantic and try to kiss her, right? So I moved against her on the couch, but then she moved away. I tried once more later on past the halfway point of the movie, and she moved further away, lying down on the couch. At that point, I'm thinking what the **** is going on? And then the movie is over. We talked for a little bit after that, and finalized plans to see a funny movie together. I thought, ok, maybe she wants to go really, really slowly? But then I ask her what her plans were for July 4th and she mentions her plans got messed up and apparently she was eating dinner with this guy and his parents. Which immediately upset me because she had never before made any indications that she had a boyfriend or anything like boyfriend, and we in fact had talked about our exs and particularly how she had awful taste in men. So I left, feeling like **** and like she didn't like me as more than a friend. I wanted to ask her the truth, and summoned the courage to do it by going back to her a door a few minutes after I left. Unfortunately, her mother answered, I got nervous, and left. In my ****ed up emotional state, I texted her, "I hate to ask like this but your mom made me nervous. You don't like me as more than a friend do you?" She replied a little while later, "No. Don't get your hopes up and don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you." So the logical thing to do was to take it personally, which I did, by feeling ****ty the rest of the night. I felt like I had connected so well with someone so like me, and was rejected, again... I've gotten over it as best I could. I texted her this morning, the morning after she rejected me and I felt better, "If you still want my help Monday, I will help you, but I don't want you to repay me." She replied maybe thirty minutes later, "Yes I do, and yes I will. I was under the impression that we are friends now and that's what friends do." I didn't know what to say to this so I had to think about it an hour before sending, "Ok [name], we're friends. If you want to not sit in your room sunday and watch netflix alone, let me know. Otherwise, I'll see you Monday." She replied a few hours after that, "Great :)" I don't really know what to do. I genuinely enjoy being with and around her, something I don't get often. Most people annoy the crap out of me. I guess we're still supposed to see that movie together, but to me, it's like what the ****? If you're not interested in me, why would you want to see a movie together, just us? Why would you watch a romantic movie and sit next to me on your couch in a dimly lit room? I don't know. I love being around her and talking to her, but I also want to rip her clothes off. I could've sworn she was into me from how we looked into each others eyes earlier, before last night... Did I do something wrong? Was I not man enough and direct enough for her? Is it something on her end maybe, considering she Says it has nothing to do with me, but that could easily be her just being nice. We've discussed for a moment during one of the tutoring sessions/hang outs how my old girlfriend had started out of friendship, and she had said yeah, that's how most of them start. Which makes me wonder if perhaps we might eventually get together, but she told me not to get my hopes up... I know something can end up happening because I was friends with my first and only girlfriend for a year before we got together, though I didn't have feelings for her at first. I want to believe it can happen again... For reference, I am 21, and she is almost 20. All opinions are wanted, and I know the first thing someone will say is probably to cut it off completely. I'm considering it, and I was set on doing just that last night in the midst of my sadness. For now though, I plan on being friends with her, though this might not be the best idea... edit- I've made a point to barely text her, I only do so to set things up. I've ****ed up texting too much before, so I know it wasn't that. Edited July 5, 2014 by Razonatair
todreaminblue Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 women who admit they have made mistakes with men like to take it slow, this however isnt a license to lead someone on, she told you not to get your hopes up but she didnt say to you there is no hope so she is being respectful of you,.....i do feel there's hope and friendship , well, with me if a guy cant be my friend he isnt going to ever be my lover......because i believe in the adage the best relationships come from firm friendships...its a strong foundation to start a relationship one built aon mutual trust and respect.....the romantic movie dim lights to me signifies she is interested and if she wasnt, you just dont ask a guy to watch a romantic movie with you..... maybe she just doesnt want physical intimacy yet but wants to get to know you better....physical intimacy is a bond with some women......and a pretty strong one so give it time....when i have physical intimacy i instigate it.....because i want that bond......i am ready to be close to a guy..most of the time they ask me, i project a don't touch aura so they ask permission..only one guy has ever stolen a kiss from me and it was new years.....i was his friend for two years before that..i have only once asked a guy i am interested in for a hug...purely selfish....i wanted to be close to him and touch his skin other than a handshake....i also felt i wouldnt be able to see him again as he was retreating for reasons unknown and it made em anxious enough to ask....the heart of me was devastated ...smilin.....otherwise i am very reserved with men......she may be that way so ....if you wait....i feel it will be worth it.....i could be wrong.....but i may just be right......ultimately its up to you and your heart ...what does your heart say....deb
Author Razonatair Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 My heart pretty clearly wants me to stick around and not give up. I'm currently living in a very redneck, country town. It is incredibly hard to find nerdy, interesting, and pretty women here. But I don't know what her deal is, or why she would do such blatantly romantic things with me and yet tell me she doesn't want me? She has to know what it makes me think. In some way, I feel this other guy is holding her up. Yet she's never once referred to him as her boyfriend, and when we seem to be flirting and teasing each other, she's never said she wasn't single. Never told me she wasn't single when we talked about her relationships, and in fact seemed to pretty clearly indicate she was single... 2
todreaminblue Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 My heart pretty clearly wants me to stick around and not give up. I'm currently living in a very redneck, country town. It is incredibly hard to find nerdy, interesting, and pretty women here. But I don't know what her deal is, or why she would do such blatantly romantic things with me and yet tell me she doesn't want me? She has to know what it makes me think. In some way, I feel this other guy is holding her up. Yet she's never once referred to him as her boyfriend, and when we seem to be flirting and teasing each other, she's never said she wasn't single. Never told me she wasn't single when we talked about her relationships, and in fact seemed to pretty clearly indicate she was single... you dont watch romantic movies with guys unless you are single you dont dim the lights.....i dont dim lights with any guy who isnt my partner or a guy i am dating its not right......so hang in there as far as the other guy goes ..if she isnt having dinner with him alone it isnt a date... if a guy(i have male friends who walk in my room after knocking ) walks into my bedroom and i have the light off watching tv i ask them to turn it on if they plan on talking to me.........its gives mixed signals otherwise and or cues....as you have demonstrated effectively by wanting to get close to her i dont allow the cues to occur with male friends..........she wasn't ready is what i feel....i wish you well.....i hope things progress with what your heart wants.......best of luck ...deb
jay1983 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Don't set anything else up, if she trys to set something up, tell her you can't make it. Infact make plans not to be there. I would even go as far as to cancel your next hangout. Do not make it obvious, play it cool like nothing's wrong. "hey I can't make it, I've got such and such" Cool calm with a smile like nothing is wrong. If she texts you, don't reply immediately. If she's interested she'll initiate more and more. Stay busy so you don't think about her. I know it's tough where you live, but try to find someone else, I don't think this one likes you romantically. Oh and if she keeps asking you to tutor her, that doesn't count.
iiiii Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 She's not attracted to you. She's told you that point blank twice, plus she has pointedly avoided physical contact, and she has insisted on paying for herself when you meet so that you don't think it's a date. It would be hard for her to make it much clearer that she isn't into you romantically. Inviting you to watch a girlie movie - she's treating you like a girlfriend, not like a potential boyfriend. If you want to be a friend, stick around. If you are just going to keep making moves on her, I'd say leave the poor girl alone. She's been totally honest with you, so I'd say listen to her.
irc333 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 because i believe in the adage the best relationships come from firm friendships As much as I do find this to be great advice, people (esp. women) simply don't follow this and just friendzone's the man. I know, it's a messed up way of thinking, but I am of this way of thinking of being a "friend" with a woman in hopes something romantic will come out of it. Such a situation had mostly lead to dissapointment to men when it never turns into a romance. I have this female friend, men would always ask her out. If she had no interest in them romantically. She would say, "Okay, but as friends, okay?" Okay, let's throw in how this is perceived by men: Men is thinking: "Okay, I'll agree to go out with her 'as friends' a few times, then I'll make my romantic move." Her: "We'll go out, but I won't even let him touch me with a 10-foot pole." LOL And there ya have it. Eventually, you'll have a slew of frustrated prospective suitors 1
hotpotato Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I asked her if it is was a date because I thought it was an honest question If you have to ask...
irc333 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I asked her if it is was a date because I thought it was an honest question If you have to ask... So you're saying it should be assumed? Actually, some women I've asked out had to ask ME if it was a date. LOL I recall asking out a woman, hung up, she calls me back 5 mins later asking ME if this was a date. I said, "Um..well, yeah, what else did you think it was?" She said, "Um..hm, well, sorry...I don't think of you that way...but I'll see you at future Meetup events" OUCH, a rejection AFTER she said YES to a date?
hotpotato Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 As much as I do find this to be great advice, people (esp. women) simply don't follow this and just friendzone's the man. I know, it's a messed up way of thinking, but I am of this way of thinking of being a "friend" with a woman in hopes something romantic will come out of it. Such a situation had mostly lead to dissapointment to men when it never turns into a romance. I have this female friend, men would always ask her out. If she had no interest in them romantically. She would say, "Okay, but as friends, okay?" Okay, let's throw in how this is perceived by men: Men is thinking: "Okay, I'll agree to go out with her 'as friends' a few times, then I'll make my romantic move." Her: "We'll go out, but I won't even let him touch me with a 10-foot pole." LOL And there ya have it. Eventually, you'll have a slew of frustrated prospective suitors Right, men and women in general see friendships completely differently. Men see friends more like being fwbs or potential romantic partners. OP's story is a good example of the projection that holds male-female friends together. Him: I like her, so she likes me. Spending all this time together is proof! Her:I don't like him romantically, so he doesn't like me romantically. Spending all this time together is perfectly fine It's a recipe for disaster.
hotpotato Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 So you're saying it should be assumed? Actually, some women I've asked out had to ask ME if it was a date. LOL I recall asking out a woman, hung up, she calls me back 5 mins later asking ME if this was a date. I said, "Um..well, yeah, what else did you think it was?" She said, "Um..hm, well, sorry...I don't think of you that way...but I'll see you at future Meetup events" OUCH, a rejection AFTER she said YES to a date? On this first date, girl pays for herself. It was a dead giveaway. Come to think I had a guy friend who also asked me on a "date." I totally didn't realize it was a date. In fact, I was dating someone else.
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