Graciousgal Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Not sure where to begin. I met my ex-husband many years ago, when we started dating we dated for about 4 years and were married for almost 9. Not long after we were married some truths came to light. I had asked all the "right" questions prior to getting married, however I was duped anyway. When I found out he lied about multiple things, the reasons he gave for the lies seemed childish, but some how made sense at the time. (he was embarrased, thought I wouldn't marry him if I found out etc). I forgave him, but was now aware. We worked on rebuilding trust etc. Needless to say our marriage was rocky as we tried to rebuild. He did seem to come around and our marriage was actually pretty good for awhile. (or so I thought, maybe it was wishful thinking). Without getting into details, the lies continued and he may have cheated. I think he did, but I have no proof. I know he dated her while I was still living with him although we were technically separated. I think he seemlessly move on with her. He of course denies all of it, but then again he's a liar. I can honestly say I gave my marriage everything I had and then some. My friends/family all say that to me as well. I know I did the right thing in getting divorced, I know I deserve better - etc. Why can't I move on? We live in a small town and see him around and he still contacts me for advice on things. Is this why can't I move on?? Is it because he has moved on with her and I don't have anyone? Is it because I gave everything and I am still looking for something from him? but what? validation that I was a good wife and he was an jerk? Why am I still nice to him? Some of my friends call me a Saint for dealing with him, I tell them I'm just stupid. They say, you're a good person. I don't know. I don't want him back, so why can't I move on??
OnwardandUpward Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Maybe it is as simple as your not yet ready to move on. Maybe when you are ready, you will not need to say you are ready, you will look back and go "oh! i moved on" Maybe there is not answer - it just happens. 1
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I think you're having problems moving on because you're giving him way too much focus (by still being nice to him etc.) He has moved on and you're still stuck. You know you have to move on, but if youre wondering how; Stop giving him your full attention/focus and focus completely on yourself. Think of all the new possibilities and opportunities you now have, so go out and enjoy your life. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. I'm still not completely over my ex (we broke up about a month ago) and I am determined to letting go of him fully to heal and start afresh. The world is my oyster! Don't live in the past - your future awaits you. 1
Author Graciousgal Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 HereTodayGoneTomorrow I think you are right, I give him too much focus. I'm finding I have a lot of time on my hands lately. Work is slow, my hobby doesn't take up as much time as it once did. It's hard because all my friends are married. Don't get me wrong, they've been real supportive, but who wants to hang out with someone who is divorced and can't move on. It's a real downer, I'm sure. I've tried to shift my focus...but it's hard. I feel like a failure. The logical side of me sees he's not worth it. He didn't deserve me. But there's this other part... we've know each other for so long how can he just dismiss me, like I never meant anything to him. Maybe I never did. Maybe that's the part I just can't accept. Onwardandupward, thanks for your advice too. It is what it is. It's a process I have to work through, I guess. It's stinks though... that's for sure.
True Gent Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 You are having trouble moving on because you dedicated many years to him. You loved him and gave all of yourself to him. Your life was you and him so a big change is going to be hard to take. He is still eating into your valuable time even now he's went off with someone else. Until you cut all ties and contact you will not fully move on. You have to stop being an emotional comfort blanket for him for a start. You need to avoid seeing him if you can, but at the very least don't give him the time of day. You need to cut it dead right now so you can focus on YOU. Even when you make a complete break from contact it will still take you some time to fully get over it. It's normal you've given so much and lived a lot of your life with him. It's a habit you need to break. Friends and hobbies are the best things for you, also a little exercise helps you to feel good within yourself. I'm approaching 9 months since the end of my 9 year relationship, we were engaged. I don't lover her anymore, I don't want her anymore and I haven't seen her since February. I still think of her and what she did to me and how she destroyed what we had every single day. I'm well beyond being sad and crying over it, but it still niggles. It's a long slow process. You have to try your best and ride it out. You MUST stop having contact with him for your own good. 1
Author Graciousgal Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks True Gent, I appreciate it. I think it's like you said I decidated many years. All those years....just gone. I'm not one of those who say I "wasted time", I chose to be there... it's just such a let down after of all the effort. A vanishing of the hopes and dreams. I know it's a process, but what I know and how I feel aren't connecting. I was so independent before him, had my own house and everything. Now I wonder where she went, I can't seem to find her anywhere that independent, smiling, self confident person. I don't know who I am anymore. Do I take back my name, keep his? It's a tough decision because of work. Some people have already started calling me by my maiden name, like on letters or in their phones. What does that say about what they thought of my marriage? or what they think about me? I just wish I wasn't so confused about everything, my life, my work. Cutting off all ties is the right thing to do, it's just a little complicated right now. I am hoping come September I will be able to do so. In the meantime, I am going to limit contact as much as possible. I hope that helps. Thanks for listening (reading) and responding. And TrueGent you give me hope that I will move through this at some point, thanks. 1
True Gent Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 Thanks True Gent, I appreciate it. I think it's like you said I decidated many years. All those years....just gone. I'm not one of those who say I "wasted time", I chose to be there... it's just such a let down after of all the effort. A vanishing of the hopes and dreams. I know it's a process, but what I know and how I feel aren't connecting. I was so independent before him, had my own house and everything. Now I wonder where she went, I can't seem to find her anywhere that independent, smiling, self confident person. I don't know who I am anymore. Do I take back my name, keep his? It's a tough decision because of work. Some people have already started calling me by my maiden name, like on letters or in their phones. What does that say about what they thought of my marriage? or what they think about me? I just wish I wasn't so confused about everything, my life, my work. Cutting off all ties is the right thing to do, it's just a little complicated right now. I am hoping come September I will be able to do so. In the meantime, I am going to limit contact as much as possible. I hope that helps. Thanks for listening (reading) and responding. And TrueGent you give me hope that I will move through this at some point, thanks. Don't worry, as you eventually progress you will find yourself again. I totally understand how it feels to not be sure of who you are anymore and find yourself after such a long commitment to someone. Give yourself time on that one, you can't rush getting to grips with your new life just yet. Be good to yourself and be patient, you just need to try and focus on you. Just don't expect miracles, it hurts and the habits of your old life will take some time to break. If you can't cut all contact due to technicalities just yet, then you need to keep it all as brief and business like as possible. Don't give him anything, no small talk, no support or advice like you have been. Just basic business like communication, this is for you. It's not to get at him, it's purely to help you start moving on. The least you know about his life the better it is for you. I've been through the works myself since my split, so at least you can take some comfort from others who know exactly what it feels like. I'm at a good enough point now to tell you it really does get better IF you put the work into it. I'm still working on myself, it's lengthy but it gets better all the time. 3
turbo-p Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 I thought I'd reply as I'm in the same boat in terms of sharing contact and giving her too much focus. She has moved on but still contacts me, not just because we have a son, but for help with things like taxes, expenses and bills (I work for a bank and she's not so good with money). I hear what people are saying about being spineless and an emotional blanket to the dumper, but I'm not an a££hole enough to say no I'm not talking to you and to start ignoring calls etc. If I did that now she would think wtf you are being a p**ck. I'm trying to phase the contact out and not be as supportive. I never call or message her she only contacts me. I think you need to do this as it is emotional torture otherwise. At the end of the day, I hope for reconciliation but I am also realistic that probably won't happen. I have always had the mantra to be nice (but keep a distance). I like to think if you can pull that off and not seem interested in the situation/old relationship but still look good feel confident that is a start. 1
Author Graciousgal Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Emotional torture is a good description. Thanks for your input turbo-p. Good luck to you in your situation. I've learned that I'm not going to turn into a b*$ch, even if I want to or try to. It's just not in my nature. The thing that gets me is why is he trying to hold on, when he made it abuntantly clear he didn't want me? I suppose that is a question, I'll never get an answer to. The best I can do, for myself, is try to phase out as well. It's a challenge, but I think it is for the best.
siochana Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 You are having trouble moving on because you dedicated many years to him. You loved him and gave all of yourself to him. Your life was you and him so a big change is going to be hard to take. He is still eating into your valuable time even now he's went off with someone else. Until you cut all ties and contact you will not fully move on. You have to stop being an emotional comfort blanket for him for a start. You need to avoid seeing him if you can, but at the very least don't give him the time of day. You need to cut it dead right now so you can focus on YOU. Even when you make a complete break from contact it will still take you some time to fully get over it. It's normal you've given so much and lived a lot of your life with him. It's a habit you need to break. Friends and hobbies are the best things for you, also a little exercise helps you to feel good within yourself. I'm approaching 9 months since the end of my 9 year relationship, we were engaged. I don't lover her anymore, I don't want her anymore and I haven't seen her since February. I still think of her and what she did to me and how she destroyed what we had every single day. I'm well beyond being sad and crying over it, but it still niggles. It's a long slow process. You have to try your best and ride it out. You MUST stop having contact with him for your own good. It can take well over a year. Knowing this will make it easier.
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