suchamess Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 After 6 months of dating, my boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine's Day. It was a mutual break up, and actually rather peaceful. Even though I knew it just had to end, I was still shocked, devastated, and regretful. I still am really sad, but now that a few days have gone by, I've had some time to clear my head and I wanted to share some of the stuff I did to try to get over him. The first night of the break up- I was in total shock- I didnt want to tell anyone or talk to anyone....actually I was very very tempted to call my (ex)bf back and tell him we're making a mistake... luckily I held of a bit, and my friend called to talk, and I ended up telling her what just happened....well, more like sobbing...b/c once I started getting out, I couldnt believe it was really happening...she ended up sleeping over that night, and we talked a lot, and mainly it was good to not sleep alone that night. the next day she had to go, but I just couldnt bare to go to any classes...so, I rented season 3 of will and grace and got milk and cereal...and laid in my bed ALL day watching non-stop tv and eating cereal...I knew that if I turned it off, I would starting thinking about him, and I just could not handle it! finally I had watched all the episodes...and I decided to get up for a bit.... I started getting really depressed again just thinking about him, but instead I just kept on thinking about all the reasons why we had to break up, and how even though I feel like s*** now...I would get through it...so I took all of his stuff out of my apt. and I moved all ofhis emails to another file (and later deleted them)...and then I deleted and blocked him and his friends from my cell phone, my msn, my friendster, etc. also I told more of my friends about the break up...the initial shock was wearing off...and I was still devastated, but telling them this reaffirmed the reality of our problems and the break up, and at this point...calling him just seemed pointless... I wanted to hear his voice, and tell him I miss him...but even if we got back together, I knew nothing would change...we would still have our differences and our problems...and I knew I just needed to move on. so before I went to bed I wanted to change my bedroom around even more...I changed my sheets to a pair that I never used with him...I normally had white sheets and I changed to this red flannel and moved my bed- I know it seems random and insignificant...but it actually did feel slightly better... also I looked through a bunch of pictures of my friends and family and from trips...basically my life before/without him...and I even put some of those pics up...looking at those also helped it reminded me that I could be happy without him...and even being single right now would not be the end of the world, because I had a lot of fun with my friends when he wasnt in my life...and it would happen again... despite all of this, I was having a lot of ups and downs throughout the days...one moment I would think "this is ok, I will be ok, actually I will be great...I just need some time" and I would keep myself busy with other things and try to move on...but other times I would slip back and think "oh god, what the hell did I do? I totally ruined this relationship...or I didnt try hard enough...or I took him for granted, etc." and in these times, I would try to get a pen and paper and make a lot of lists...stuf like "what made me unhappy about the relationship"...."what did he do to piss me off"...."what did I learn from this relationship" ...."what can I do with my time/life now that he's not a factor in it".....and my favourite : "what would my ideal guy be like" (more of just a day dream)...anyways...all of this did help me....it felt good to get it out...and I tried to be fair and constructive...and reading it reminded me I should try to just see this as an experience...I am sad, even as I write this....but I know that life is all about meeting new people and experiencing knew things and learning from mistakes...I just need to remind myself this when I get really sad... today was my first decent day (in terms of consistency)...I was neither too sad...nor too determined that everything will be great...I was just going through the day... I did two good things thought that made me feel better: 1) I talked to a therapist for about 45 min at my school...(I have been seeing her already- I made an apt. before when I was already feeling a lot of stress form the relationship) but today we talked specifically about the break up and how it made me feel, and that was pretty good. 2) I went and got a hair cut...this was great! perhaps even better than the therapist.... since most of the week I wore my pajamas and ate crap and didnt go to the gym...I really didnt feel attractive at all...but after the haircut, I felt and looked a lot better...and I was actually smiling...( I really recomend this for girls...dont do anything drastic, but you will feel better doing something for yourself) and finally...next week I have a school break and I arranged to go spend it with my friends and family ...this is definitely perfect timing, and I'm very lucky for this...I hope that a change of scenery, a change of pace...and being with people I love will not only keep my mind from obsessing...but also help me to think about the rest of my life...my friends, family, health, my future.... I'm still really sad...and I cant help wondering about him...what's he doing, who's he with, what's he thinking, does he miss me, etc. I admit this can be a nightmare during certain points of the day...I think NC is a really good thing- even with mutual friends, b/c I just can't handle knowing any of the answers to those questions yet....I just tell myself...I'm sure he misses me, like I miss him....but it just didnt work out and we cant torture ourselves trying to make it work...we just need to accept it and move on... I know for a lot of people its a whole different situation...if they've been together for several years, or kids are involved....this wasn't even my MOST serious/longest relationship...and it still hurts so bad... break ups are always so hard... I feel like I understand now when people say they "feel empty inside"....like something is missing... I'm just hoping that after some time, I will calm down and can spend less energy on trying to "get over" him...and just focus on living my life and being happy....this is usually the time that someone new and exciting comes in to my life again (and I try not to F*ck it up again)
jellybean Posted February 19, 2005 Posted February 19, 2005 Dear suchamess.... You are doing everything right, you should feel proud of yourself. Talking to a therapist was a smart thing to do, and getting yourself a new haircut is a wonderful, uplifting treat. The feeling of 'emptiness' is normal....and don't be surprised if your emotions are all over the place during the next while - you'll experience good days and sometimes bad ones. And remember there's no point in initiating any contact with him (no matter how sad, and lonely you may feel)...he's on his own path now, and you are on yours. Continue to spend your energy focusing on your own life. One interesting point to note : it's been said many times that it takes 1/2 the time of the length of the relationship to truly get over your ex...course this is just a generalization....but it has actually happened in my own personal situation, and I couldn't be more pleased! My ex dumped me 9 months ago after a year & 1/2 relationship (I was devastated and incapable of even fully functioning), but now I don't even think about him anymore, and I'm back to my previous, happy state. Give it a little more time - you are going to be just fine again
greenhorn Posted February 20, 2005 Posted February 20, 2005 You are doing excellent 'suchamess' i am proud of you. Good Luck cheers
Suerenity Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 I think you are coming along fine seeing that you realized why the two of you split. I broke up with my ex four years ago and haven't heard from him in about 2yrs and still miss hime like crazy. I'm married and even had a son and cannot get this guy out of my thoughts, dreams and it drives me absolutely mad. I never really understood why we broke up so I guess that's the problem. Good luck and keep looking forward, not back.
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