Gaeta Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 My men picker has been out of function for a while so I need some feed back concerning my morning date. We contacted each other online 4 days ago. We exchanged via the website each day. He has been a complete gentleman during our online exchange. We met at a coffee & cake place. I was happy to see that he looked like his picture, maybe a little bigger but he presented well. Conversation was flowing, it felt very natural, oh and he was super sweet with the waitress so he earned some points there. You've heard me say here and there that I have a hard time getting a date with a man my age well this one is 45, that's great!! BUT he just finished his second Master Degree. He's a life long student. He has degrees in Politics and Criminology. He is NEVER going to work in those fields! There are no jobs available in those areas and people with these degrees end up working odd jobs for a fraction of their worth. He is not working currently, he finished his Master only a couple of weeks ago so now he's applying on government jobs. I don't know how he supported himself through these years of study. He lives in an apartment by himself, travels to Europe to visit family. Second thing that bothers me is he doesn't drive. He told me he is planning on getting his driver's license this year. Here it takes a 1 year course to get our drivers license so dating him would mean I am the only driver for the coming year. The date now. So the conversation was flowing nicely when suddenly he interrupts me and says : You do have beautiful lips ....that turned me off. I said thank you and went back to my story. What was that? When the date ended I said it was nice meeting him, he said he was 100% happy with meeting and asked if I'd like to meet him again. I said yes so he offered tomorrow night. He said wonderful! then you can meet me at metro station XYZ and from there we drive anywhere you want (wow got my taxi badge already!) I got out of the date kind of happy. He is a nice man, I find him good looking, he's definitely smart. Right after I met my daughter for lunch, I was still happy about my date. Then I drove home and kind of talked myself out of liking it. Weird.
Bumpin in My Trunk Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 The whole "no license thing" is more of a turn off than a red flag. It is a turn off because we live in such a male emasculating society and we expect men to be self sufficient. But then again, I would be turned off if a 45 year old woman doesn't have a license and can't drive. The lip comment...maybe he came off too strong. Maybe you took it the wrong way and thought he wanted your lips somewhere else if you know what I mean Here's a tip guys. ALWAYS compliment her eyes first or her smile. Nothing else. If he can't get a job after a while then I would be worried about your future with him. Maybe he expects you to take care of him while he goes for a 3rd degree. Good luck. 1
Author Gaeta Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 On a first date like this it would have been more appropriate to compliment my smile than my 'lips'. I am trying to see pass the driver's license. I have a brother 35 who doesn't have his driver's license. He's also a life long student. He's too intellectual and lost in his own bubble to care about driving.
Assasda Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Sounds nice enough. I hope you werent talking about a serious topic, then he just complimented your lips, but if it was a light topic, and he complimented them. I'm all for it. It just has to be genuine. I hope the city that you guys live in is friendly for commuters, but it all seems interesting and new
Elle1975 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Not driving is no big deal in a big city like Montreal (if that's where he lives). I lived in Paris and didn't drive, although I had my license. No job? Well he just graduated. I would give him the benefit of the doubt till he finds one. I am a student too.. makes it hard to date anyone. I mean, I don't blame the guys.. who wants to date a student at 40? When I graduate, I will probably move to Maine or Vermont. You can invite me to Montreal then! Jk So, be careful. Date lightly, till you see more of who he is. 2
preraph Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I'm put off by professional students too, but if his family is in EU, then he may be on a school visa here or whatever and need to keep taking classes. It's true if he was ever going to get a job doing anything, he'd have done it before 45. Does he not even teach or anything? Professional students usually end up teaching at least. If I were you, I would go on another date. I would ask him more about his studies and then ask what he hopes to do with his schooling. I think I'd eventually just ask him how he affords to keep going to school without working. But if you ask about his family and what they do, you may find out they're rich or something. So just keep asking about him but try not to worry too much and just have a good time. My biggest worry would be what it is with college professors: They're used to seeing hot college coeds all day every day and it's hard to compete with that. But maybe he finally got realistic. Two dark possibilities: He could be a total liar or he could be a scammer looking for someone to take care of him financially, so just keep your antennae up for that. Find out if he's a citizen or not, too. Usually a guy who was a total chronic liar would have a better story than being a perpetual student, though.
Author Gaeta Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 I'm put off by professional students too, but if his family is in EU, then he may be on a school visa here or whatever and need to keep taking classes. It's true if he was ever going to get a job doing anything, he'd have done it before 45. Does he not even teach or anything? Professional students usually end up teaching at least. If I were you, I would go on another date. I would ask him more about his studies and then ask what he hopes to do with his schooling. I think I'd eventually just ask him how he affords to keep going to school without working. But if you ask about his family and what they do, you may find out they're rich or something. So just keep asking about him but try not to worry too much and just have a good time. My biggest worry would be what it is with college professors: They're used to seeing hot college coeds all day every day and it's hard to compete with that. But maybe he finally got realistic. Two dark possibilities: He could be a total liar or he could be a scammer looking for someone to take care of him financially, so just keep your antennae up for that. Find out if he's a citizen or not, too. Usually a guy who was a total chronic liar would have a better story than being a perpetual student, though. You're bringing up several good points. One of the first thing I confirmed with him was his status in our country. He told me he got his citizenship 4 years ago (he's been here 10 years). His parents both died when he was a little boy so it's possible there was some life insurance put in a trust for the kids but I am speculating. He said for a long time he wanted to do his doctorate then teach but lately he lost that desire and wants to get a job at government. Another good point you are bringing up about young female students. His last relationship ended 2 years ago, she was 15 years younger than him and of course they met at University. Another thing is he never had children. I always found that people my age that are not parents are often self-centered. The only person this man had to worry about all his life was himself. If I look at his life history that's what he did, he lived on 3 different continents and stayed in school all his life. I am not sure I can relate to someone like that.
beach Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 He must have some way to support himself, his living expenses and to pay for tuition (which isn't cheap). Did he say how he manages that?
Assasda Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 You're bringing up several good points. One of the first thing I confirmed with him was his status in our country. He told me he got his citizenship 4 years ago (he's been here 10 years). His parents both died when he was a little boy so it's possible there was some life insurance put in a trust for the kids but I am speculating. He said for a long time he wanted to do his doctorate then teach but lately he lost that desire and wants to get a job at government. Another good point you are bringing up about young female students. His last relationship ended 2 years ago, she was 15 years younger than him and of course they met at University. Another thing is he never had children. I always found that people my age that are not parents are often self-centered. The only person this man had to worry about all his life was himself. If I look at his life history that's what he did, he lived on 3 different continents and stayed in school all his life. I am not sure I can relate to someone like that. You dont know him yet. Dont get in your own head
Author Gaeta Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 He just called me to chat. He is nice I cannot deny it. He's a positive person, he sees humor in things, he likes to laugh. I often do that when I meet someone new, I like him, then I am not sure I do, then I like him again. It's painful!
Assasda Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Humor in the mundane is always a win for me. Did you tell him where you want to meet up next? Or do you guys already have something planned?
Author Gaeta Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Humor in the mundane is always a win for me. Did you tell him where you want to meet up next? Or do you guys already have something planned? When he asked to see me tomorrow he did not ask what I wanted to do or where I'd like to go. He said he would meet me at metro station XYZ at 6h30. That is the end of the metro lane, the closest to where I live, it's a 20 mins drive for me to get there. I live in the Suburbs. Then he said from there we can go to that street where all the restaurants are. Nothing more specific. When he called a few minutes ago he confirmed 6H30. I said at 8h30 at that exact spot there will be a firework presentation from Hong Kong, it would be fun walk on the bridge to attend that. No comments from him. I have this gut feeling he expects me to bring him home. My daughter lives in town and also does not drive. He asked me during our coffee date how she manages to get to my home. I said I usually pick her up at that metro station at the end of the lane or she comes at my office for 5 (I work downtown) and she comes home with me. He said in a joking way: That works perfectly, so when are you taking me home? It was said with a laugh but, I am suspicious to begin with so it's not helping.
OwMyEyeball Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 He just called me to chat. He is nice I cannot deny it. He's a positive person, he sees humor in things, he likes to laugh. I often do that when I meet someone new, I like him, then I am not sure I do, then I like him again. It's painful! Probably because you go to great lengths to analyze something as basic as a first date. It sounds like your brain is trying to catch up to what your gut has already told you from the get-go. No chemistry, move on.
HappyLove Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Forty five, no job, no license. NEXT! Face it anything you were gonna do in life you would have at least attempted to do it by 45 years old. He's a complete stranger still DO NOT pick him up! 2
FitChick Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 He is probably someone who lives off of women because he is so charming. Find out where his degrees are from and see if he actually went to school there. You might wind up like that woman who has had a guy living with her for years who daydreams about being a writer but never actually writes or works at a job. Why would you have to take him home, to his or yours? Drop him off where you picked him up.
385 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Don't think the license part is a big deal at all - if you live in a city and are from another country, you might not need to drive. The job thing might be an issue though, especially if you are 45.
Miss Awesome Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Now, I'm not sure if it's just me and my penchant for bluntness, but what I see as the red flags here are that you didn't just ask him how he supported himself through school and that you didn't just call him out on telling you your lips were beautiful. Again, I don't know if it's just that I'm really straightforward because I have the attitude that if you can't deal with me and what I really think, then we probably have no business being together - but it seems to me that being comfortable and honest with someone is key. If you couldn't, at the very least, ask him how he got through all that school, then I have to wonder how you're even going to get to know him. I guess all that aside, the bottom line is that you don't seem that interested. If that's the case, then I'm not sure what all the concern is about..
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Lips comment is too sexual from a stranger. It would creep me out 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 The only thing one should be thinking about after a first date is whether or not they want to go on a second date. You seem to be contemplating what a marriage would be like with this fellow. Seems a little hasty. 1
Author Gaeta Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 I will answer a few questions He got his diplomas here. He got here 10 years ago and that's all I think he did study. He did mention that at first he was on a tight budget and lived with room-mates then he got a job and moved on his own. He probably works odds jobs he doesn't want to brag about. He lives in the city, he doesn't need a car, I live in the suburbs so if he wants to come to my place or come in my area it's an hour long bus ride. The metro station the closest to me is a 20 mins drive. I'll get a better feel of him tonight. Yesterday our coffee-date was only 2 hours.
Priv Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Well, seeing your luck with dating the last week I would say him showing up is a huge GREEN flag.
GravityMan Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 The "beautiful lips" thing was rude on his part. It was too sexually forward, and also people generally dislike getting interrupted (unless it's for something urgent) while in the middle of telling a story. I'm wondering how much dating and relationship experience this 45-year old guy has. In the end, I get the feeling that you're just not that into the guy. 1
MissBee Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) There aren't any red flags per se, in terms of him having character flaws, but you do seem to be talking yourself out of liking him. You definitely can have your preferences about licenses and school and it's up to you to weigh how much that matters to you. Do you/does he live in a city? If so, the car thing may not be that big of a deal if he can still get around. But again this is up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker. If you don't know how he earns money...don't jump to conclusions. He may be from a wealthy family, he is 45 so he may have had a career before and saved and went back to school. I know people like that who were in high paying careers, didn't like it, but had managed to have healthy savings and then went back to school for something else and can survive on monies they've saved. If he isn't asking you for money and if you aren't footing the bills for all your dates, then it's not a red flag. If you felt happy after your date, I'd say give him another chance and get to know him more. He has plans for himself about applying to government jobs and also getting his license, that's a good sign. Go out again, see how you feel. If he is a good man and you like him...the license thing can be remedied and you cannot determine he won't ever get a job and as I already said, he is clearly supporting himself somehow, so you can't assume he has no money or where it comes from. He could have savings and if he isn't asking you for money and if he manages to get around, then that's what matters. The red flags would be if he had no job, no license, no money and seems to be planning to mooch off you and has no future plans. I'd also give him a pass on the lips thing. I don't think it was nefarious. My bf and I had a lengthy first date, started at 12 noon and at around 10pm at a jazz club, I guess he was relaxed enough to say he loved my lips and could see himself addicted to kissing me. He later also said he loved my breasts I was kind of annoyed with the comment...but I think he felt comfy by that point and we had a drink or two so he was less inhibited and just blurted out what was on his mind. I gave him a pass based on the otherwise gentlemanly behavior he had shown the previous hours before lol. He's my bf now and is in no way sleazy nor was he after sex, so I would let it slide. Edited July 5, 2014 by MissBee
Author Gaeta Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 So is it ok for me to change tonight's plan at this time? He offered to meet at the end of the metro line then from there 'we drive' somewhere close by. There is a jazz festival downtown right now, tons of free outdoor concerts, we could meet downtown and enjoy an evening there without having to vehicle ourselves anywhere. Is that an acceptable change of plan? 1
MissBee Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 So is it ok for me to change tonight's plan at this time? He offered to meet at the end of the metro line then from there 'we drive' somewhere close by. There is a jazz festival downtown right now, tons of free outdoor concerts, we could meet downtown and enjoy an evening there without having to vehicle ourselves anywhere. Is that an acceptable change of plan? I think so. Run it by him. I don't see anything wrong with that plan. It sounds fun and more concrete than driving to somewhere close by that hasn't already been pre-planned.
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