Trial separation....caught him with another woman

[Melissak78]

My husband and I separated in April but still have been spending time together and in the last month have been intimate again. I knew that he had been with someone else once but once we were spending most of our time together I assumed it was over. 2 days after we were together I caught him in the car with her. I'm trying so hard to fix things between us but I'm really struggling with this. He talks like its none of my business since I am the one who moved out. Any advice?

[leavesonautumn]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, it must be a confusing time.

 

It seems like you are taking the path of trying to fix things but he can't have his cake and eat it too, it's unfair to you. You cannot try to repair a marriage that needs some work when there is a third party involved.

 

Ask him what it is that he ultimately wants from this relationship. If it's time and space he needs then let him have it but tell him what it would mean to you and the marriage.

 

I've never been married so I hope someone who has experience can give you some more advice.

[2sunny]

Looks like he doesn't intend to make you his top priority - and repairing the marriage.

 

If it were me, I'd file for divorce and never communicate with him again.

 

How long have you been married? Any kids? How old are you two?

[JS84]

Also what lead to the separation if you don't mind me asking?

[y2k]

My husband and I separated in April but still have been spending time together and in the last month have been intimate again. I knew that he had been with someone else once but once we were spending most of our time together I assumed it was over. 2 days after we were together I caught him in the car with her. I'm trying so hard to fix things between us but I'm really struggling with this. He talks like its none of my business since I am the one who moved out. Any advice?

 

Divorce him ASAP. I don't see any reason you should be with him. He clearly wants to cheat, and be with other women. Love yourself above everything. If you guys have kids, then just resolve a reasonable joint custody like mature adults, and move on with your lives.

 

I wish you luck in your future.

[still_an_Angel]

It seems he's not on the same page as you in your quest to repair your M. You should ask him to lay his cards on the table as its unfair that you're working towards R yet he is seeing another girl.

All the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

One meaning of trial is "a tryout or experiment to test quality".

 

Now you know what trial separation means to him. Based on your own understanding, next step up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

Since it is none of your business who he dates, then it is none of his business who you date. I bet he would flip out if he saw you with someone else. It seems that he has no reason for exclusivity in his relationships, then why would he want to be married? What he really wants is to bed as many women as he can, he thinks he is entitled to this behavior. I have no idea why you would want to give yourself to someone so selfish. Do yourself a favor, see an attorney and get this marriage legally dissolved and move on to a man that is worthy of you.

[central]

Did you establish ground rules for this "trial" separation? If not, then I think this is a gray area. Still, it's not a good sign for fixing things. You should have stated your expectation up front, and certainly should have after the first incident. By not doing so, you've essentially given him your approval of his behavior.

 

Your situation is the reverse of most such breaks. There, it is usually the woman who hooks up with other men, while their man honors the intent of the breakup and does not.

[oldshirt]

 

Your situation is the reverse of most such breaks. There, it is usually the woman who hooks up with other men, while their man honors the intent of the breakup and does not.

 

It's not about males vs females as to who hooks up during separation. It's about who is the least invested in the marriage.

[KathyM]

I know two couples who this same thing happened to. Both couples had separated for other reasons than infidelity. One couple, while separated, were working on reconciliation, were intimate with each other, and were going to marriage counseling to work on their marriage and try to work out a solution to get back together. They had an agreement during that time that they were not going to see other people while they were working on the marriage. The husband violated that agreement and was keeping in contact with women on dating websites while pretending to be exclusive with his wife. Needless to say, when the wife discovered the dishonesty, she divorced him.

 

 

The other couple, after separation, had no such agreement of exclusivity, and even though the wife remained faithful during their separation, the husband did not and had been dating and being intimate with women from dating websites. This couple did end up reconciling and are now back together because the wife realized there was no agreement of exclusivity while they were separated, so even though she was unhappy that he had been intimate with others during that time, upon finding that out, she did not feel betrayed because there was no agreement of exclusivity.

 

 

In your case, even though he was intimate with you, if there was no discussion or agreement on exclusivity during separation, then he did not actively betray you. Maybe in the literal sense of the word, since you were not legally divorced yet, it could be considered infidelity, but in the practical sense, there was no agreement or understanding or discussion about being exclusive during separation and you just assumed that you were exclusive. That assumption is what messed you up here. You should have been openly discussing the terms of your separation as far as what is expected of each other in terms of exclusivity. If you had an agreement on that, he maybe (hopefully) would have honored it if he really wanted to reconcile. As it is, he thought he had a right to date and be intimate with others, since you were separated and there was no agreement of exclusivity during that time. Since there was no such agreement, I would suggest giving him another chance.

[DKT3]

Did you establish ground rules for this "trial" separation? If not, then I think this is a gray area. Still, it's not a good sign for fixing things. You should have stated your expectation up front, and certainly should have after the first incident. By not doing so, you've essentially given him your approval of his behavior.

 

Your situation is the reverse of most such breaks. There, it is usually the woman who hooks up with other men, while their man honors the intent of the breakup and does not.

 

I too believe that women often use "separations" or "breaks" to explore feelings they have for another man. All the while expecting the man to honor the relationship.

 

Most men see it as if we aren't together then we aren't together. When I left my wife and filed for divorce I started to see other women right away, it was an ego/self esteem issue. Now that we are back together she has had a hard time dealing with that. She in part feels that I betrayed or cheated on her because of it. Even though she had the affair in the marriage.

 

Bottom line is, if your not together then your not together. Unless there is an agreement in place about rules then he is doing nothing wrong.

[Spectre]

Well if you moved out then..I would think it isn't your business what he does? Moving out sends a pretty clear message to me. I'm guessing if the roles were reversed nobody would be saying the woman was selfish, right?

 

I find it in poor taste that people were automatically calling this other guy selfish. What did he do that was selfish, that you got from this post? What did he do? They were on a trial separation. It sounds like they began spending a lot of time together again..but never actually discussed what they were doing. So I am confused at how the guy is selfish?

 

Let me tell you this OP: if we were serious enough where you and I lived together and you decided to move out? I'd take that as a sign you want to be with other people. I would not take sex as a sign we are back together..I would take you moving back in as a sign of that.

 

So..did you discuss any of this with him? At all? Or say anything? Or did you merely just assume you could move out, but then he'd just sit around and wait? Just trying to get the details here.

Edited July 5, 2014 by Spectre

[ktya]

I too believe that women often use "separations" or "breaks" to explore feelings they have for another man. All the while expecting the man to honor the relationship.

 

Exactly.

 

When my ex fiancee moved out she kept saying we were separated not broken up. She told me i should stay single for a while and "work on myself". I kept asking for the ground rules of the "separation" like would we date eachother again, see other people, what were the terms. She just kept on how we were separated and she needed time to think about it.

 

Grapevine works and i found out she was dating a guy she had been seeing before she ever left. She had had an affair a few years prior so i was wasnt surprised.

 

Due to a wacky situation involving an unexpected pregnancy, i had this woman move into my house with her kids. My ex fiancee caught wind of it and showed up randomly one night without warning. She got all pissy and threw a fit at me in my driveway. I tried to explain the situation and how my hands were tied but she wouldnt even let me speak. This is from a ex girlfriend of 9 years who would only meet me in public places like parks or mall food courts and who was screening my calls while dating multiple men.

 

Its an insurance policy, "separating" and moving out.

 

My most recent ex did nearly the same thing. Moved out in a tiff, created an online dating profile and we became friends. I even helped her tweak her online dating profile. A month later when i started dating, there was hell to pay - even though she was talking to multiple men for over a month by that point.

 

Ugh.

[ktya]

It's not about males vs females as to who hooks up during separation. It's about who is the least invested in the marriage.

 

Its not about males vs. Females, no. Just we are wired in different ways.

 

When men are in a separation, their primary concern is getting laid, ie. "if i hold out and stick to miss pink palms am i going to feel like an idiot when i find out that either (a) she left me to try out someone else or (b) that she is going to divorce me anyway."

 

Women often use separation as a means to free up more time with an affair partner and to try out a relationship with him, or as a way to try to avoid the conflict prone communication that they actually intend to divorce.

 

The only way "trial separations" can work is when there are established ground rules in place and both parties get some basic companionship needs met. This might be access to sex for the man and date nights for the woman, exclusivity or agreements on boundaries if they are to see other people.

 

When its all up in the air and there are no ground rules, the man is going to be very prone to seeking NSA sex and the woman is going to be prone to seeking emotional connection from a man.

[Mr. Lucky]

I find it in poor taste that people were automatically calling this other guy selfish. What did he do that was selfish, that you got from this post? What did he do? They were on a trial separation. It sounds like they began spending a lot of time together again..but never actually discussed what they were doing. So I am confused at how the guy is selfish?

I don't think they're calling him selfish, simply stating that his actions don't indicate an intention to repair their marriage.

 

Were my wife and I separated (regardless of who moved out), if my goal was restoring our relationship I wouldn't be seeing other women. And it wouldn't be because she told me not to, I just wouldn't be interested.

 

That he was indicates his interest lies elsewhere...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

My husband and I separated in April...I knew that he had been with someone else once...I assumed it was over...I caught him in the car with her....He talks like its none of my business...Any advice?

 

If your best friend told you this, how would you advise her?

[Spectre]

I don't think they're calling him selfish, simply stating that his actions don't indicate an intention to repair their marriage.

 

An exact quote from a post in this topic:

 

" I have no idea why you would want to give yourself to someone so selfish"

 

Were my wife and I separated (regardless of who moved out), if my goal was restoring our relationship I wouldn't be seeing other women. And it wouldn't be because she told me not to, I just wouldn't be interested.

 

At the same time, if the wife was moving out, but her goal was to repair things..wouldn't she of made the boundaries clear? Sounds like that was never clear. It has been months and they only began to reconnect recently.

 

That he was indicates his interest lies elsewhere...

 

If they'd separated last week and here he was with another woman already I'd be fully ready to agree. Thing is, they separated all the way back in April. That is..not a small amount of time, and especially if the wife didn't set any boundaries or anything..? I don't know if he can be faulted here, especially when the OP is the one who walked away. So we need details on exactly what the OP told her husband after she decided to walk out on him for several months.

[Keenly]

You initiated a trial seperation . He's free to do that, even though you are not going to like it. If you don't like it don't separate.

[d0nnivain]

It's time the rubber meets the road.

 

If you are both invested in making the marriage work, you have to work together towards that. To me, that would require no extra people.

 

If he's still pi$$ed because you walked out he may not be ready to do that or even want to.

 

Better you should find out & start divorce proceedings then sit & wonder.

[Spectre]

I see it like this, you have a right to be upset in that.of course if you love your H it is going to hurt you for him to be with another woman. With all that said, you need to recognize that you walked out on him. That sends all kind of signals. The OP also says in the last month they have been intimate a few times. Well, I get that you might think that means you are back together, but not necessarily. Sex, for guys, doesn't always mean "we are together". Especially if you did not move back in.

 

I think more details would help. First, why did you walk out in the first place? What made you leave? When you say you caught him in the car..you caught him doing what? Were they just talking? What did your H say when you caught him?

[Mr. Lucky]

At the same time, if the wife was moving out, but her goal was to repair things..wouldn't she of made the boundaries clear?

 

I wouldn't be able to control what my wife did or didn't do. As always, I'd only be in charge of me. And for me, another woman when we're trying to reconnect wouldn't be the right thing to do. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spectre]

I wouldn't be able to control what my wife did or didn't do. As always, I'd only be in charge of me. And for me, another woman when we're trying to reconnect wouldn't be the right thing to do. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

At the same time, trying to reconnect without establishing any boundaries isn't the right thing to do either, especially if YOU are the one who walked out.

 

I'm still curious what reasons the husband gave though for when he was caught.

[William]

One post wonder, logged out a few minutes later and hasn't been back. We'll call this one done.