SirTimothy Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Divorced after 35 years of marriage (should have done it long ago) I'm still in the process of selling my home to fulfill the divorce requirements. Living with me now is a friend turned lover and companion who is the antithesis of my former wife. Smart, career woman, well respected and loved by many I couldn't ask for a better companion. I stumble along unfulfilled and I don't want to throw away much good for my few needs. She needs her side of the bed and does not enjoy a snuggle like I do. Sex seems more like a "let's fill our need" than making love. I need the cuddle, the kiss, the caress. I like the entanglement of lovers and I respond to it. She loves me, is devoted to me, thinks of me in all things. Yet my one unfulfilled need finds me entertaining the thoughts of looking for another. I have spoken with her about this. She reminds me that "I knew what she was like when we first got together" and she reminds me how she has always slept alone until I came along. This has me feeling lonely and physically un- attracted sexually towards her. I fulfill myself through fantasy and masturbation and several possibilities of infidelity. No relationship is without issues. Yet I need a lover. Am I overly sensitive?
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Not everybody is compatible Can you compromise? Maybe 1/2 hour of snuggling then retreat to your sides of the bed?
No Limit Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 No relationship is without issues. Yet I need a lover. That's no excuse for cheating. If you aren't satisfied in the relationship, break up and go looking. Or do you think it's fair what you'd be doing to your GF? You know, you write here about your terrible ex-wife, and here you are about to put your "companion" into quite a mess. 1
azureorb Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) Divorced after 35 years of marriage (should have done it long ago) I'm still in the process of selling my home to fulfill the divorce requirements. Living with me now is a friend turned lover and companion who is the antithesis of my former wife. Smart, career woman, well respected and loved by many I couldn't ask for a better companion. I stumble along unfulfilled and I don't want to throw away much good for my few needs. She needs her side of the bed and does not enjoy a snuggle like I do. Sex seems more like a "let's fill our need" than making love. I need the cuddle, the kiss, the caress. I like the entanglement of lovers and I respond to it. She loves me, is devoted to me, thinks of me in all things. Yet my one unfulfilled need finds me entertaining the thoughts of looking for another. I have spoken with her about this. She reminds me that "I knew what she was like when we first got together" and she reminds me how she has always slept alone until I came along. This has me feeling lonely and physically un- attracted sexually towards her. I fulfill myself through fantasy and masturbation and several possibilities of infidelity. No relationship is without issues. Yet I need a lover. Am I overly sensitive? Compare yourself to other couples. Are you overly affectionate all the time, sappy, etc? Then maybe your emotional 'needs' are a bit too high. However, from the sounds of it, even given that -- no, you're not overly sensitive to the situation at hand. It sounds like she's a very isolated, emotionally independent woman -- and you knew that as friends, and she isn't the Ideal match for you. It's just that simple. She's emotionally dull, you're not. The best you can do is ensure your emotional 'needs' are in the ballpark of "par" -- where your emotions aren't asking for too much or too little. It's not hard to evaluate that. After that, if hers is not meeting normal "par" needs -- you two aren't meant for each other, and you should think about breaking up. I think THAT is where the complexities lie. When the gal is emotionally more withdrawn though, the up side is that it shouldn't be the most difficult transition. And if it DOES become a difficult transition for her -- then in an odd way that's Good News for you -- she Does have emotion that is welling up... and if handled correctly by you, you could take advantage of that for her to end up 'changing' to some degree. I know I changed once at the end of a breakup -- and afterwards to even now -- due to one of my mindsets changing and being "woken up" a bit. But you need to break it down to her that your emotions are more or less "par" for emotionally health-wise, and anyone else in your shoes need more than that in the long run... and that you understand if she's just "built" to be solidly below "par", you can't have any personal negative feelings against her... but at some point in the not too distant future, it will have to be a fish or cut bait -- even though your own emotions don't want to cut bait. Edited July 4, 2014 by azureorb 1
Author SirTimothy Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Very sound advice. Thank You. Who does a guy talk to about stuff like this? Sometimes you need to reach out and find help in getting your head on straight. Thanks, again.
Dspawn76 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 A counselor, or a good friend. To the person who said something about needs being too high, where do you get off thinking that? I mean, everyone has a right to want to cuddle and caress.... I don't see how you can justifiably jump to a reasoning for saying his needs may be "too high" I agree with the other fella, pay close attention to how you handle your mate, make sure you're not doing the same thing the troubled ex did. Good luck to you. I personally think you should try couples counseling and see if there can't be good compromise, as stated before. Perhaps not, if that's the case then I'd leave personally. Find someone who is into cuddling and caressing like you need. I am the same way.
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