lavenderlove Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) the great new is that I am getting an idea of what it is.... If you read my last thread titled: 'I am giving up' you understand that I had my share of relationship bliss and hell and here I am totally burnt out. While I have honestly started contemplating the idea of a life unattached to an other human being by the strings of love I felt two things, no three. One: tremendous relief, two: inexpressible grief and three: inspiration. I want to talk about the inspiration part. I started imagining what will I do now? Well, I will focus on my business more, because that is what makes me happy. I will try to make the most of my days because there is nobody else to share them with so 'I' have to make the most of them. I had a fantastic week because of this and I am loaded with new ideas and plans for my future, and worked super hard every day to realise these dreams. Amongst all these new things I felt something change inside me and I realised that being in a relationship has been in the centre of my life all this time. Whenever I was single, all I could think of was may ex, my ex before my ex, why they all ended, why is this happening to me ec etc, then an other guy would come along and I would proceed to complete myself via a boyfriend aka my other half. There was always something missing. I felt an empty desperation and all I wanted was to enhance my feeling of love towards my partner so once it finally takes over my whole heart there won't be emptiness anymore, I wanted marriage I wanted kids I wanted ALL. I wanted him to feel this way too. So end of day, it does not matter WHAT I did. (I was giving, loyal, supportive etc etc) What mattered is WHY. I just wasn't ready all along, because my motivation wasn't right. Thankfully I had wise partners who felt this, and who were beyond it. I wanted a relationship to fill an emptiness inside me and to be able to finally heave a sight of relief so that I can put the project of finding a partner to rest. I also wanted to have kids, and I have to admit, that the biological clock keeps ticking and ticking in the back of my mind. My solution is, to fall pregnant I don't need a man, I need sperm. Also there are plenty of orphans in the world who need a mum. I do not care about my status, because I am doing what is right, and human life is not made up of steps and boxes or whatever you call them. Plan B, done. Plan A....I will spend a lot of time being on my own. By a lot I mean years. I need this. I need to grow and establish myself. I need to realise my dreams, I need to learn how to be content. I need to focus on myself. I need to fill my emptiness. And IF, (if not, plan B it is) someone comes along, I will want to have a companionship, a partnership, based on mutual respect, freedom, it's hard to explain, but I want something completely different from what I wanted until now....I kind of imagine it as two beings, not two 'half'. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't want to merge forever, I want walking side by side meaningfully I don't know. I don't really need to know anyways. I have tonnes of time. And I know that if someone comes along I will not hand my heart and body over on a plate for a few kind words and deeds either, it will be a long long process. So there it is, there was a reason all along, and truthfully, I don't really care what happens to me, all I care about is what I do today to realise my dreams and myself, and I feel empowered and in control, like I never felt before. I actually love myself right now. Cheers to that. Edited July 4, 2014 by lavenderlove
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I get totally what you are saying, i feel i have had that "awakening" too recently... codependant I believe! we rely on others to make us happy and fill the void (that is actually inside us not in our lives)... good on you... we can do this and when we are happy and fulfilled then i expect the next one will roll up and we will be focused on ourselves so we wont get all emotional and over involved.. well hopefully anyway! :-) xx
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