Sara_K Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and if there's one thing I know about him - he's super sensitive. It's either that, or I have major issues. I have a very serious, calm and inexpressive personality. And I've been trying my BEST to become more and more expressive ever since I started dating him. He gets upset and angry if he feels I'm not being "enthusiastic" about seeing him - which I am MOST of the time. If some days I just ask him "So, are we meeting tomorrow?" He gets angry because I didn't sound super excited about seeing him. If he has a super hectic schedule, and is barely getting any sleep, I tell him "It's okay, we can meet another day" - he takes it as "I don't want to see him" and he gets upset. If we're talking on the phone late at night, and I tell him he should go to sleep now, again, he gets upset that I'm trying to put him to sleep, and I don't want to talk to him anymore. I've told him countless times that I say ALL that out of care for him. But he keeps telling me he doesn't need THAT kind of care. He wants me to push him to see me all the time, push him to talk to me all the time even if he's running on 2 hrs of sleep. I'm in conflict between being kind/considerate, and what he claims as me showing 'love and care.' We always end up arguing over silly things like this. Last time, he got mad because I didn't smile when I was walking towards him to meet him. I understand that I'm a little serious sometimes, and I'm really trying my best to be more enthusiastic and expressive, but it's hard! I mean, I love that my boyfriend is super affectionate, and lovey dovey, and enthusiastic all the time. And I appreciate it as well. But I'm the process of trying to reach his standard. But it's frustrating how he keeps taking my acts of kindness as me like pushing him away or something? To me, it seems like he really wants an obsessive, clingy and controlling gf. I don't get it. Am I the wrong one for not being super duper happy 24/7?
Author Sara_K Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 I think the idea of him pushing you to act a certain way is bad form. I'd almost like to say he has some issues. Unless you're really into this guy, I would suggest breaking things off with him. Even if he likes a girl to act the way he describes, I cant imagine any emotionally stable man actually giving you crap for not being what he wants. I don't know if he's forcing me to be the way he wants, or he's just sensitive, or whether I'm just not super affectionate, and enthusiastic all the time? I always end up feeling like I'm the wrong one, and end up apologizing for not smiling enough, or not sounding as excited as him, or not pressuring him to stay awake talking to me all night. I mean, I don't mind being a pushy girlfriend.. but that's just not my nature! I feel bad for keeping him up till 5am, and end up telling him that.. and he ends up feeling like sh*t because he thinks I don't 'love' him. I mean, he was asking me about one of my exes one time, and I told him I thought that ex was funny - and after that my boyfriend keeps trying super hard to make me laugh, and keeps asking me to reassure him that he's funny. It's just all so weird.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Sure, you could probably be more expressive. But your boyfriend sounds hyper-sensitive and very insecure. You will get tired of being his emotional cheerleader all the time. He needs to work on improving his self-esteem and not projecting his issue on to you, or this likely won't work out. You can't live your life apologizing for, explaining and trying to modify your behaviour all the time. You said he gets "super angry" - what does he say or do?
Author Sara_K Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Sure, you could probably be more expressive. But your boyfriend sounds hyper-sensitive and very insecure. You will get tired of being his emotional cheerleader all the time. He needs to work on improving his self-esteem and not projecting his issue on to you, or this likely won't work out. You can't live your life apologizing for, explaining and trying to modify your behaviour all the time. You said he gets "super angry" - what does he say or do? I agree. I just have a difficult time differentiating between whether it's actually my fault now, or he's just being sensitive. And IF I tell him he's overreacting a little... All hell breaks loose, and he becomes even more defensive. As for getting angry - he speaks to me in a rude tone, starts giving me the silent treatment, becomes unresponsive and overall moody. I know it could be worse, but the problems in our relationship seem like I'm responsible for 95% of them. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I agree. I just have a difficult time differentiating between whether it's actually my fault now, or he's just being sensitive. And IF I tell him he's overreacting a little... All hell breaks loose, and he becomes even more defensive. As for getting angry - he speaks to me in a rude tone, starts giving me the silent treatment, becomes unresponsive and overall moody. I know it could be worse, but the problems in our relationship seem like I'm responsible for 95% of them. These are red flags. You're dealing with someone who apparently lacks a lot of insight into how his own behaviour contributes to problems. He's happy to just pin them all on you and refuse to take responsibility. I have experienced a guy like this - there was simply no pleasing him. The silent treatment is an inappropriate and controlling reaction. It's also immature and indicates a serious shortage of problem-solving skills. Unless he acknowledges that he has work to do, your relationship will be very rocky. You are not responsible for his behaviour, though I suspect he tries to convince you he wouldn't act like this if you'd just "behave" and act the way he demands - right?
LoveIsMyReligion Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 He has self esteem issues, no way around it. Only thing that helps is if you compliment him more often than usual.. Not sure if you really want to go down that road though.
littleplanet Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 How old is your boyfriend? His behavior is pretty immature. His choosing to misread your acts of kindness illustrate that. He's a little too self-centered. He needs to lighten up. If he continues down this path it will make you crazy..... because you are a natural opposite to what he wants - someone to constantly feed his ego in just the certain ways he demands. As long as he knows you care about him, that should be all good. It is as if what he requires is not love.... but more like worship. ...and that's obviously not your style. And after almost a year, he should get that. Your job, unfortunately, is to get him to back off on what is blatant insecurity. Which will bruise his ego enormously. But rather than continue the tightrope dance, might not be a bad idea to burn that rope. He needs to understand that you are you, by nature. And he has no right to try turning you into something that you are not. He might try appreciating you for what you are. This is basic stuff. If he won't listen to you - do you both have a mutual friend who might be able to advocate in your favor? Worth a try. (although that might make him feel ganged up on) But no OP. You're not crazy. If your boyfriend has any notion of growing up to be a man, he has to stop acting like a typical toddler. He behaves as all control freaks do. And it will get worse, if not nipped in the bud.
notserene Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I agree. I just have a difficult time differentiating between whether it's actually my fault now, or he's just being sensitive. And IF I tell him he's overreacting a little... All hell breaks loose, and he becomes even more defensive. As for getting angry - he speaks to me in a rude tone, starts giving me the silent treatment, becomes unresponsive and overall moody. I know it could be worse, but the problems in our relationship seem like I'm responsible for 95% of them. He's trying to make you believe that you are responsible for how he feels. This is manipulative and can be emotionally abusive (e.g., the silent treatment). You have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth it, because you will be second guessing yourself and walking on eggshells around him.
morrowrd Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 holy crap, talk about high maintenance! If it were me, I'd worry about this behavior being only the tip of the iceberg. 1
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I read this trying to put myself in his shoes. I would also be hurt at a boyfriend that can never show enthusiasm, that keeps a straight face when he sees me, and I especially hate when someone tells me what to do as if I am a child and cannot decide myself when it's time to go to bed. Your boyfriend is only guilty of telling you what bothers him. He is a sensitive man, he's sensitive to body language, facial expressions and words. It's not a crime or a red flag. We keep complaining our men don't talk or express what they feel, you got one that does. I am more puzzled at the fact that YOU cannot show enthusiasm. I find that more worrisome than him being sensitive. It comes down to the both of you not being compatible. You are at both end of the spectrum. He would be much happier with a woman that is expressive, well at least a woman that can crack a smile when she sees her man.
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 As for getting angry - he speaks to me in a rude tone, starts giving me the silent treatment, becomes unresponsive and overall moody. I know it could be worse, but the problems in our relationship seem like I'm responsible for 95% of them. Why did you leave this out in your original post? End this relationship already. Don't date men that are rude to you or give you the silent treatment, period.
Bfef Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Why did you leave this out in your original post? End this relationship already. Don't date men that are rude to you or give you the silent treatment, period. Could you expand a little on this please (just for my information!)..... Thanks.
Author Sara_K Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 How old is your boyfriend? His behavior is pretty immature. His choosing to misread your acts of kindness illustrate that. He's a little too self-centered. He needs to lighten up. If he continues down this path it will make you crazy..... because you are a natural opposite to what he wants - someone to constantly feed his ego in just the certain ways he demands. As long as he knows you care about him, that should be all good. It is as if what he requires is not love.... but more like worship. ...and that's obviously not your style. And after almost a year, he should get that. Your job, unfortunately, is to get him to back off on what is blatant insecurity. Which will bruise his ego enormously. But rather than continue the tightrope dance, might not be a bad idea to burn that rope. He needs to understand that you are you, by nature. And he has no right to try turning you into something that you are not. He might try appreciating you for what you are. This is basic stuff. If he won't listen to you - do you both have a mutual friend who might be able to advocate in your favor? Worth a try. (although that might make him feel ganged up on) But no OP. You're not crazy. If your boyfriend has any notion of growing up to be a man, he has to stop acting like a typical toddler. He behaves as all control freaks do. And it will get worse, if not nipped in the bud. My boyfriend is 24 years old, and I'm 23. I think he feels that despite him telling me numerous times that he doesn't care about sleeping and whatever else, I still act 'considerate' and that puts him off. I think he doesn't understand that my behavior is my nature. He feels like I can change, and if in fact I do love him, then I should have no problem in adjusting my behavior to his standards. I am already going crazy. Ever since this relationship started, I knew that he was a little too sensitive about things. For an example, if I forgot to send a 'heart' in a text message.. He would get upset. These were little things at first, and I thought I was overthinking. With time, however, a lot of my moves are being held against me. I'm just struggling to figure out whether I AM actually constantly making the wrong moves, and his reactions are justified, or whether he's just being sensitive. He would never want to get a mutual friend involved. In fact, he doesn't like if I share ANY of our problems with any of our/my friends which is why I decided to seek help on the internet.
Author Sara_K Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 I read this trying to put myself in his shoes. I would also be hurt at a boyfriend that can never show enthusiasm, that keeps a straight face when he sees me, and I especially hate when someone tells me what to do as if I am a child and cannot decide myself when it's time to go to bed. Your boyfriend is only guilty of telling you what bothers him. He is a sensitive man, he's sensitive to body language, facial expressions and words. It's not a crime or a red flag. We keep complaining our men don't talk or express what they feel, you got one that does. I am more puzzled at the fact that YOU cannot show enthusiasm. I find that more worrisome than him being sensitive. It comes down to the both of you not being compatible. You are at both end of the spectrum. He would be much happier with a woman that is expressive, well at least a woman that can crack a smile when she sees her man. See, this is how I also end up thinking, and then start blaming myself for not being as expressive as I should - and think his behavior IS justified. I do want to make it clear though that I'm not COLD all the time. I try to be expressive 80% of the time. Of course, we all have our off days. I'm not one to be super duper happy 24/7. I slip up 8/10 times and fail to show him that I'm SUPER enthusiastic about seeing him. I'm struggling to be expressive. I really am. And honestly, I used to be much more expressive in the start of our relationship. His overreactions to everything has drained me out. We can barely get through 3-4 days without him overreacting to something over what I said/did, and I feel drained because of that leading to me being LESS enthusiastic as I was before. Not to say, I have had issues with being expressive from the get go. I have things to work on as well, but his reactions also contribute to how I behave now. I mean, either he's perfect and I find NOTHING to overreact about. Or I suck at handling a relationship which is why he's always finding something to be upset about. When he's not like this, things are wonderful between us - which is why I havn't contemplated leaving him. I just don't know how to go about talking to him about all this without him overreacting AGAIN.
Versacehottie Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Hmmm, I think it's a combination of things. Most importantly that you two may just be incompatible. He wants you to be something you not naturally as does his insistence on it weigh on you. I've seen this before and it seems like a downward spiral whether neither person is confident or happy. If he keeps looking for things that demonstrate the point he is worried about (you don't actually love him, aren't expressive or sweet enough), he will continually find them. Bottomless pit, never-ending cycle. Consequently, you will be "on-guard" about everything and never get to let go and be yourself and loved for it--which is not only the great joy of a serious relationship but, dare I say it, THE goal of a relationship. I'm not sure that true "blame" is the issue but that the way you each approach relationships will never make either one of you happy. One factor could be your ages. At a relatively young age, some guys (and girls) are like he has been because they are essentially inexperienced with relationships and not truly in control of their emotions. Everything's out of perspective and they are insecure and this is the way it shows itself. Some people never grow out of it. So that's my summary of what I think is going on. As far as specifics and how you should deal with it, I tend to agree with you. He sounds hyper-sensitive. To freak out about leaving off an emoticon, um I've hit my limit, as I imagine you have. It just gives you insight into the fact that whatever you give it MAY NEVER BE ENOUGH for this guy. That said, I think it's great that you are examining the possibility that the way you behave may be partially a contributor. That's just a great relationship quality even if you might not get a concrete solution. There is probably a bit of you're inexpressive-ness, calmness that throws THIS guy into a tizzy. I'm not saying change who you are but take a rational approach and in fairness give more of yourself, if possible in relationships because you will get more out of them. Think you're wondering about your portion of this problem because you already suspect you could gain from a little change within yourself. However, I suspect it will not work with this guy. Put a time limit and reasonability limit on it all. Have a discussion with him when he is calm from a positive perspective of things you'd like to work on together to have a better relationship; slip in the fact that otherwise you don't see how it will ever work, ie a warning. Make REASONABLE effort to show he is desired and that you value your time with him; when he is unreasonable, walk away or don't engage those discussions. Tell him you will talk to him when he calms down. If he can't control himself over the time limit (like another 3 months or so) and his general behavior is not changing, I would move on. Life is too short. Plus the behavior he is doing, is getting a reward--you stay are still his gf, he gets more attention and so on. Like a baby or child. So then you do not "reward" that behavior. Good luck
Versacehottie Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 there's one thing i do agree with your bf about. I don't think it's good to open up your relationship issues to discussion among friends. I think if you have one discreet best girlfriend and he has one best friend, it is assumed that they know bits and pieces but I wouldn't open it up more than that.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 See, this is how I also end up thinking, and then start blaming myself for not being as expressive as I should - and think his behavior IS justified. I do want to make it clear though that I'm not COLD all the time. I try to be expressive 80% of the time. Of course, we all have our off days. I'm not one to be super duper happy 24/7. I slip up 8/10 times and fail to show him that I'm SUPER enthusiastic about seeing him. I'm struggling to be expressive. I really am. And honestly, I used to be much more expressive in the start of our relationship. His overreactions to everything has drained me out. We can barely get through 3-4 days without him overreacting to something over what I said/did, and I feel drained because of that leading to me being LESS enthusiastic as I was before. Not to say, I have had issues with being expressive from the get go. I have things to work on as well, but his reactions also contribute to how I behave now. I mean, either he's perfect and I find NOTHING to overreact about. Or I suck at handling a relationship which is why he's always finding something to be upset about. When he's not like this, things are wonderful between us - which is why I havn't contemplated leaving him. I just don't know how to go about talking to him about all this without him overreacting AGAIN. You can't. He is in charge of his emotions and reactions. You can't be expected to walk on eggshells around him all the time. Your relationship doesn't sound like much fun. Having said that, there's certainly no harm in examining your own behaviour and communication - what approaches have you tried in the past? Also, have you seen any other behaviour that concerns you? I'm asking because when I dated a man with similar self-esteem problems, his insecurity started to seep into other areas of the relationship.
confusedfella Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) Sara, I am a guy and I was sort of like your boyfriend. You can read my prior thread I made when my ex and I broke up. I use to get upset about my recent ex and prior ex before that not always being happy, not complimenting me, or silly things like not including a heart in a text. It's understandable if you are never happy all the time (which doesn't seem to be the case), but he is getting mad over the most trivial things. This stems from insecurity. I was insecure and really not a very good boyfriend to my in retrospect. If you read my prior thread, you'll see my EX was pretty messed up, too. We tend to attract people who are like us, and the only reason I got in a relationship with someone like my ex was because we were both on the same wavelength and both very insecure. You cannot have a mature relationship with this guy, and the fact that you are with him might tell you that you have some own insecurities yourself, but if you do have any, you'll need to figure out why. I've grown a lot since breaking up with my ex and have had some flings with other girls, and I know that I wasn't really a great boyfriend in retrospect. I am now excited about meeting someone and finding something serious with someone after learning to improve my confidence, self-esteem, and how to properly screen for someone I think would be a good partner that I can be compatible with. Your BF is probably not as great as you think he is and I would recommend finding someone more mature and confident. He definitely needs to grow as a person before he gets into a serious relationship. It is not worth it to walk on eggshells all the time with him for being yourself. Edited July 5, 2014 by confusedfella 1
BluEyeL Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 He seems controlling and potentially abusive in the future. I would run for sure, but I'm much older. My advice is to break it off. It's not ok to be put upon like that. It's a red flag. What if you get married and he'll keep accusing you of stuff all your life? I predict this would end in abuse. Get out now.
ktya Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 I agree. I just have a difficult time differentiating between whether it's actually my fault now, or he's just being sensitive. And IF I tell him he's overreacting a little... All hell breaks loose, and he becomes even more defensive. As for getting angry - he speaks to me in a rude tone, starts giving me the silent treatment, becomes unresponsive and overall moody. I know it could be worse, but the problems in our relationship seem like I'm responsible for 95% of them. My ex was like this guy, she based her own sense of self worth on how much i fawned over her. After a while it became annoying and suffocating. When i pulled away to get some "me" time, she became obsessed with the idea that i was cheating on her and was trolling through my electronic devices, facebook and emails, browser history. I wasnt. The guy has issues. These problems are not 95% your fault at all. The only reason you even contemplate that it is is because hes gaslighting you and keeping you on the defensive. Most people with psychological issues or disorders do this in order to project their problems onto someone else so they can rationalize not dealing with them. My ex did that too. Next time id flatly tell him if he doesnt like how you speak, he can leave you, and that your tired of being criticised all the time for stuff so irrelevant as how excited you sound. Hell mope about it and back down because hes insecure and wont want to be without you.
greyskys62 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 OP, it sounds like you're dating my ex-boyfriend. Seriously. We had the exact same issues. I should have smiled more when I said a certain sentence. I didn't sound excited enough over the phone. When he was upset over something, I didn't reassure him the right way. He would literally yell at me for these things, and I was young enough (your age) to blame myself for it rather than to realize that he was being selfish, manipulative, condescending, and emotionally abusive. I'm not saying that you shouldn't put work into a relationship to make your partner happy--there absolutely should be compromise-- but when nothing you do is ever good enough, you have to stop and question if the relationship is worth the fight. In my opinion, you're too young to settle for this behavior. I'd end the relationship.
Recommended Posts