RegretfulAlways Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I'd like to take a poll directed at anyone out there on LS who has ended an A permanently. (I'm particularly interested in perspectives of you long-timers who have been done with the A for months/years, as opposed to just days/weeks.) Has anyone out there been able to maintain long-term LC with an xAP partner - specifically, being friends on FB - without EVER sliding back into an A? I know the conventional wisdom is "just being friends" post-A never ever works. But regardless, I'm curious as to whether there's ANYONE out there who's pulled it off with an ex? (And yes, I've asked versions of this question on other threads before so feel free to throw stuff at me! But I'm truly genuinely curious about my particular situation and whether it would work. I left with no explanation really, and I guess I am looking for that elusive "closure" / also not comfortable with coming out of this looking like a b$%^^/wanting to simply move on and be amicable. We're not in the same town or even state, and don't have the same group of friends, etc. Under the circumstances could it work?)
Hope Shimmers Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I'm several years out of a long (many years) A. For a long time we tried the 'friends' thing. It could have worked, but as time went on I realized that it wasn't worth it. It was more pain to be in that kind of relationship with him than just ending all contact. Plus he tried to pull me back in, even probably without realizing it. So I ended contact. It's just better. You seem determined to try it no matter what you hear - it seems you want to hear that it's possible. In most cases it doesn't work and most people don't think it's fair to the BS, but since you are not accepting that why not try it and see what happens? Even if you do find someone who managed to remain friends with the ex-AP, it's not a guarantee that it will work for you. 2
Author RegretfulAlways Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Fair answer, HS. It's pretty transparent that I'm feeling conflicted, isn't it? And yes, I suppose I'm hoping for someone to tell me to go ahead and do it so I feel less guilty. Ugh. Which all means that I'd better do nothing for the moment. Ugh. For the millionth time it's been said on these boards ... THIS STINKS.
thecharade Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) I ended my A 2 years ago. We are both married, but I was the one that felt horrible about living a double life. We do not work together or run into each other. Neither of our spouses found out (it was a three - year A) because we told no one. But yes, we are in LC. It has been very difficult to achieve. He was angry at me for making him love me? Odd reason to be angry, but emotions don't always make sense. I was angry at him for thinking that an A was an acceptable way to hurt two women. Initially he felt we would be together. We both worked out a lot of anger and hurt, and it still flairs occasionally. It took many months. We cannot have close LC. A short e-mail (3 to 5 sentences) each, every 6 weeks or so. We cannot be closer or in more contact. Ever. More would bring back all the hurt, and I have no desire to hurt anyone. But we will always care about each other. What do you consider LC? It is not daily or weekly contact. I have never seen that work. Also, who did the hurting and who was hurt? If it's not balanced, LC usually doesn't work. The hurt person goes from angry to done. My exAP and I both felt hurt, so our balance kept us compassionate and caring. Good luck. Edited July 4, 2014 by thecharade
Hope Shimmers Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Fair answer, HS. It's pretty transparent that I'm feeling conflicted, isn't it? And yes, I suppose I'm hoping for someone to tell me to go ahead and do it so I feel less guilty. Ugh. Which all means that I'd better do nothing for the moment. Ugh. For the millionth time it's been said on these boards ... THIS STINKS. It does stink. There's nothing fair about it. Being in communication just prolongs getting over it. I have gone through it all the hard way, and I hope to give others better advice than I took but since I took the hard way I recognize that others likely will too. 2
Author RegretfulAlways Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 What do you consider LC? It is not daily or weekly contact. I have never seen that work. Also, who did the hurting and who was hurt? If it's not balanced, LC usually doesn't work. The hurt person goes from angry to done. My exAP and I both felt hurt, so our balance kept us compassionate and caring. We have known each other for 16 years. Had a brief PA when we were coworkers way back then (I was single he was newly married), we then moved on, I then got married, he then moved a few states away. We reconnected via social media a few years ago. Had an EA starting in Feb of this year, on again off again but only via FB and texts. No phone or in person stuff. Our spouses never found out. I got a bit fed up with the situation, though, and went silent one day about 3 wks ago. He messaged me once since then to ask why I unfriended him. I haven't responded, and I feel like I at least should give some sort of explanation. I also think (?) that I'd feel better just going back to how we were before February ... Connected online but really living our own lives. I fully realize how this sounds. Sigh.
MayP Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 We have known each other for 16 years. Had a brief PA when we were coworkers way back then (I was single he was newly married), we then moved on, I then got married, he then moved a few states away. We reconnected via social media a few years ago. Had an EA starting in Feb of this year, on again off again but only via FB and texts. No phone or in person stuff. Our spouses never found out. I got a bit fed up with the situation, though, and went silent one day about 3 wks ago. He messaged me once since then to ask why I unfriended him. I haven't responded, and I feel like I at least should give some sort of explanation. I also think (?) that I'd feel better just going back to how we were before February ... Connected online but really living our own lives. I fully realize how this sounds. Sigh. Doesn't it feel like a minimalist version of EA? Apart, medium-low contact. Except on occasions where he shares his desires/ said something loving, it feels like nothing. Perhaps it isn't an EA afterall, just nothing. Today is my Day 8 NC. How do people get through...Truly bad...
Author RegretfulAlways Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Doesn't it feel like a minimalist version of EA? Apart, medium-low contact. Except on occasions where he shares his desires/ said something loving, it feels like nothing. Perhaps it isn't an EA afterall, just nothing. MayP, are you saying that's a bad thing or a good thing? Or neither? Hugs to you on day 8... Hang in there!
MayP Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I am not sure, RegretfulAlways...I get swayed here and there. For a minute I thought we are something, after these 8 days of NC- it kind of feels like nothing. I guess what I hope for is to maintain contact still and feel like it doesn't quite matter (take back the emotions I have invested).
HBIC Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) I concur with the sentiment here that it looks like OP is just looking to keep in contact somehow. Whenever I hear someone use the term "closure," I just can't help but to smirk for a second. Both parties in an A, unless they are in outer space mentally, know it is a messed up type of relationship. If it ends, and sometimes they do rather abruptly, no explanation is needed. Really. (Well, when MMs drop their OWs without a single word it IS rough emotionally, no doubt about that. But still, an A is not a legitimate relationship so at least the OW knows why it's over.) I applaud Hope Shimmers for delicately explaining that LC for the purpose of hanging on to the connection just drags things out painfully and the best road is the high (and dry) road of NC. I am a respectable chunk of time NC and it has done absolute wonders, like an extended trip to the spa. But I seem to be a major anomaly on LS. (Perhaps not in the universe of As, though--the LS community is for help seekers and givers--many just move on to other interests.) My heart is not screaming out in pain for xMM. I think of him, but it is 50/50 quirky things that make me smile and reminders of why I dumped him. I do not have thoughts of "oh, God, I wish I had him back." Not one. Well, maybe one but it was only for a second. When folks on here say NC is the way to go, it REALLY is the best advice. Your heart does heal because the wound is not poked at. You look back on the A and just shake your head: What a foolish thing to get involved in! When something is over with finality, you free yourself to accept it and move on. It's a beautiful thing. Edited July 4, 2014 by HBIC 2
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