How Can I Become Close Friends With My Ex Girlfriend? I Don't Want To Give Up On Us!

July 3, 2014

This is week 3 post breakup. My ex (F/32) and I (M/31) are still in pretty good terms. Considering there were a lot of emotional "battles" due to very strong feelings in the beginning, but a lot of hurt at the end. Non intentional.

We work together and a "series of unfortunate events" had resulted in us drifting apart and eventually separating. By this I mean I needed to grow up before I could even start to try treating her the way she needs to be treated. I chose the worst time to start freaking out about us. Of course it must be said that she is a very sensitive and guarded person with unbelievable insecurities so I didn't exactly have an easy task at hand. She is too afraid of confrontation to talk about her issues.

I think she still has feelings for me, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she might never want to date me ever again. I have been in an emotional battle the past few weeks and it hasn't made it any easier that I recently quit smoking and other bad habits (addictions). And I mean dealing with the issues. It might have helped to change her feelings of doubt about me and give her a spark of hope that not all is lost. As I am a completely different version of myself in just a really short period of time. In fact all of my coworkers are definitely seeing a new side of me so they are more interested in talking to me. I do feel like NC is hurting my chances of getting closer to her.

We are still talking almost daily since we are in the same workplace. I get a very faint feeling that she wants me around her, but she is mostly hesitant and reluctant to spend much time with me. She said what she needs now is to find herself again and be alone. I am very certain she is not saying this to let me down easy. She did not have any independence for nearly the last 15 years.

We got into a relationship immediately after she broke off her 6 year sham of a relationship. So judging by her reactions to my subtle and small steps to "engage" with her I feel she is forcing herself to speak her mind and tell me if she doesn't want to do something. But in return does opt for an alternative on another occasion. Like I said why don't we grab something to eat. She would say "I'm not hungry now, but lets go grab lunch tomorrow"

I want to learn how to become more in touch with her feelings and to have a clearer understanding of her. In the beginning things were great but we both made the mistake of thinking we knew exactly what the other was thinking. And it still seems that our emotions and brains work very similarly.

Can someone give me tips on how to get closer to her? I have not been very smart when it comes to relationships, so I feel the need to change that about myself ASAP.

Can you give me pointers on how to show genuine interest in a guarded girl who actually started doubting that we are right for each other (wanted to push me away for good possibly because she feared that I might do it to her first)

Any response would be appreciated.

Edited July 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

July 3, 2014

Not giving her space when she asked tto be alone to find herself is not smart.

I understand you don't wanna lose her, but let's be honest how different would things be this time around if ya only broke up three weeks ago?

Worst mistake I made was not giving my ex space after she broke up with me for the same reasons your ex did. Exact same. Needed to find herself. Me staying in the picture only made it worse. She pushed me further away.

Give her what she wants and let her be alone and continue to work on yourself. Go complete no contact and keep pushing forward brother. It's gonna be tough but the truth is she doesn't wanna be with you right now. NC is the only way.

July 3, 2014

I feel like I could never be friends with an ex because there is always gonna be one of the two who want more. I would just rather have an all or nothing situation

July 3, 2014

Actions are the best way to show someone.

If you really want to change yourself then work on it and people will see the change in you; you don't have to tell them a thing.

July 3, 2014

You can't be friends with an EX immediately after the break up. It's not fair to anybody. You want more. She feels guilty & as soon as she gets a new guy he will want you (the EX) completely gone from her life

If she has gone from 1 relationship to the next over the last 15 years with no breaks, no wonder the lady needs space. Give it to her.

Since you work together you do need to be cordial & professional. Consistently interjecting yourself into her life is neither & could get you fired for sexual harassment.

July 3, 2014

Being a close friend with an ex means you are okay to hear about her and new guys she is dating. If you are not at that point the answer is no you cannot be friends. She is trying to be nice but it sounds like she wants you to leave her alone.

July 3, 2014

You won't get her back by being close friends, since it's your agenda.

If you want to learn to be more in touch with her feelings, start by listening to her. She said "[..] find herself again and be alone"

NC won't hurt your chances, waiting for her at every street corner will.

July 4, 2014

The "pretend to be close friends to sidle your way into dating again" is one of the worst strategies on this earth for a dumpee. You are looking to manipulate her into feeling something for you. That's not cool dude. I understand you are hurt, but deception isn't your ally here. Once your agenda comes out (and it will) and she rejects it (and she will), the resentment and anger both of you will have toward each other will make things uncomfortable, especially since you work together.

Just a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea.

July 4, 2014

3 weeks is a very short time after a BU, let the dust settle it gives both parties times to reevaluate things. What you are thinking now might not what you will be thinking in a couple of weeks.

best thing for you now is NC, give her time to miss you.

The more you do now the more you push her away. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong.

sorry for the generic advice but it's true

July 4, 2014

I am not stalking my ex or anything, the only reason I am wanting to be around her is because she is feeling really down and sad. Yesterday I did something as simple as send her a song at work and just gave her a simple compliment. Nothing too pushy I didn't expect a response or anything like that. Of course she thanked me, but yesterday she was completely different mindset. She was walking on a cloud. I know this really made her day, her girlfriend actually told me by accident. It slipped out. She keeps coming around and makes me still think that she still thinks about me and hints that she wants me to be around.

I told her that I respected her wishes and that I would not try to change her mind at any point in time. Honestly I had a lot of issues I am working on. I did "rely" on her for my happiness just wanted to be around her then. But in reality it wasn't just me that made the relationship fail and I do want her to work out her issues before I would consider getting back together with her. Since I still feel that there is still a connection between us and that her negative feelings might have subsided, that I can take very very small steps towards really getting to know her. If she says no then I back up wait some more and try some other friendly approach. Like I said keeping it simple a short lunch, here and there or take a 5 minute walk on a "cig" break. (she is also trying to quit, but I still have the urge to just go down for a few minutes and air out my head)

July 4, 2014

I am not stalking my ex or anything, the only reason I am wanting to be around her is because she is feeling really down and sad. Yesterday I did something as simple as send her a song at work and just gave her a simple compliment. Nothing too pushy I didn't expect a response or anything like that. Of course she thanked me, but yesterday she was completely different mindset. She was walking on a cloud. I know this really made her day, her girlfriend actually told me by accident. It slipped out. She keeps coming around and makes me still think that she still thinks about me and hints that she wants me to be around.
I told her that I respected her wishes and that I would not try to change her mind at any point in time. Honestly I had a lot of issues I am working on. I did "rely" on her for my happiness just wanted to be around her then. But in reality it wasn't just me that made the relationship fail and I do want her to work out her issues before I would consider getting back together with her. Since I still feel that there is still a connection between us and that her negative feelings might have subsided, that I can take very very small steps towards really getting to know her. If she says no then I back up wait some more and try some other friendly approach. Like I said keeping it simple a short lunch, here and there or take a 5 minute walk on a "cig" break. (she is also trying to quit, but I still have the urge to just go down for a few minutes and air out my head)

This is an express avenue to the friend zone.

July 4, 2014

I am not stalking my ex or anything, the only reason I am wanting to be around her is because she is feeling really down and sad. Yesterday I did something as simple as send her a song at work and just gave her a simple compliment. Nothing too pushy I didn't expect a response or anything like that. Of course she thanked me, but yesterday she was completely different mindset. She was walking on a cloud. I know this really made her day, her girlfriend actually told me by accident. It slipped out. She keeps coming around and makes me still think that she still thinks about me and hints that she wants me to be around.
I told her that I respected her wishes and that I would not try to change her mind at any point in time. Honestly I had a lot of issues I am working on. I did "rely" on her for my happiness just wanted to be around her then. But in reality it wasn't just me that made the relationship fail and I do want her to work out her issues before I would consider getting back together with her. Since I still feel that there is still a connection between us and that her negative feelings might have subsided, that I can take very very small steps towards really getting to know her. If she says no then I back up wait some more and try some other friendly approach. Like I said keeping it simple a short lunch, here and there or take a 5 minute walk on a "cig" break. (she is also trying to quit, but I still have the urge to just go down for a few minutes and air out my head)

Dude....you are really f***ing up. I hate to be harsh, but I promise you, as sure as the sun rises and sets, you are messing things up for any future reconciliation. All you are doing is showing her you are the puppy dog. You are trying to play it smooth and whatever, but its not coming off like that

Honestly, you need to walk away. For yourself and her.

July 4, 2014

I can tell she already looks at me completely different than when we broke up.

I didn't mention that I was gone on vacation for a while that would have been our NC period. That is also when she said she was going to think about things sort things out in her mind. Once I came back I noticed that it was a much harder decision for her than previously anticipated. (she already made the decision that she needs to be alone) I can tell by the way people are looking at me in the last few days. I have regained my confidence and much more healthy and full of energy. It just seems to be when I talk to her that I get a bit "stiff". I'm sure she is noticing all the attention I'm getting from others at work. While I'm not saying she is double guessing her decision of wanting to be alone. But she might certainly be much more attracted to me than before. She used to feel weak in the knees and as if I 'electricuted' her in the first few weeks we were talking.

So I know it is hard to read people especially when emotions are still a bit messy, but I could tell by the way she approaches me, that she is becoming shy and nervous around me again. Where in reality I feel the same way. I have always been supportive of her and never put her down. I think she needs me in a sense, but is afraid as she is very insecure.

Also to clear the air, I am not pretending anything! Especially not trying to manipulate her. I love her and only want the best for her. That is why I respect her decision. I want to be there next to her when she realizes who she is again. I only fight for her because I honestly and truly believe that there was true love and above that something very strong and unexplainable between us. I have gotten past the misery and loneliness of the breakup. And trust me I have had my share. This one is not letting me give up because I trust that things that are meant to be will be. So instead of fealing desperate I just feel that sense of true love and that I want to continue to "fight" for her and be there and see this as being the tough times. And even when she (and her feelings) isn't strong enough to fight for me I still feel like I'm doing the right thing. After all I am only listening to my heart.

July 4, 2014

My ex (F/32) and I (M/31) are still in pretty good terms. Considering there were a lot of emotional "battles" due to very strong feelings in the beginning, but a lot of hurt at the end. Non intentional.

WOW you are so blind op. You and your EX are not in good terms, she dumped you remember ?

I understand where you're coming from trying to change and improve yourself but remember you fight for your relationship while your still in it not after the girl dumped you.

Edited July 4, 2014 by David87

July 4, 2014

@ConfusedHumanBeing>

No hard feelings, in fact thank you for being harsh as you are just expressing what you honestly think.

One thing I need to make clear is that she is not like any other girl out there. She is a very loving and caring person, but is crippled by fear, anxiety, rejection, and much more. She feels like she is addicted to relationships and always leaning on people for support. This is exactly the pattern that she is trying to break from. So I don't agree that she would intentionally use me. Actually no puppy dog just someone who makes her feel special. In fact she told me she is really sorry that I have to "suffer" due to her decision and fears and that this is something she needs to do for herself. After a lot of thought I came to realize the validity of her concern. While we were together I was giving off the impression that I might leave her. So I am not blaming her for becoming distant. Too late to go back, but eventually when we broke I told her that I respect her wish, but I showed her my strong and confident side and told her I would do anything for us to be happy together. So it feels like I am getting closer to her now with my new outlook on things and since I realized I never really acted like it was about her, rather loving her was more about what I wanted not what she wanted. So believe me when I say this, I am really trying to show her that she can trust me. I think she doesn't want to admit to it, but that she still needs me in some form or shape in her life. It just takes time after some harm was done, but I cleared things up and we realized that a lot of her fears about me were due to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

July 4, 2014

Whoah, please dont' even think about it.

My ex decided he wanted out. I'm still grieving but am determined to keep going with NC. In order to move on, you have to stop putting her on a pedestal, and being friends won't allow you to do that. Unless you hate all your friends.. if not, being friends just make you want to turn love into like which is not going to happen.

THink for yourself, will you be okay if you found out who she is dating, what she's doing etc? If not, don't be friends. I only checked my ex facebook once and that makes me miss him.. was getting delusional again about how awesome he was. Ugh. So I decided not to bother, NC = What you don't know can't hurt you...

July 4, 2014

I honestly think if she wanted to date that I would be the first on her mind. Like I said she is not looking for someone to be with. She needs to be alone, and I do believe her. She also is pretty shy and it would take her a lot of time and "effort" to find someone she can trust. With me it was almost instantaneous trust (so was the attraction).

Of course I cannot rule out the possibility that she has become pretty close to someone in the past few months or so. But I can tell that she has set her mind to spending time with her girlfriends and family, because that is what she was missing. Besides finding herself and individuality again.

Now that I think hard about it, I don't think we could ever just be friends. I showed her again and again that I will not cross her lines and not try to force what she doesn't want. So that is why I feel that we on some level are closer than before.

I also feel that she is really attracted to me (can't help it), but with her insecurities is always afraid of rejection. And why am I attracted to her? That is a really good question. It is because of her personality and heart. She would have a hard time understanding that too, because she is so insecure.

July 4, 2014

Chrispy, everyone thinks that their relationship is a unique snowflake. But all of those unique snowflakes stay contained in the same storm and have the same end result. What you are doing right now is making every cliche' rookie mistake in the book. I mean, your approach would work great in a romantic comedy, but in real life the method you are using just sucks. It's a first-class ticket to the friend zone. You are on your way to being a platonic buddy.

July 4, 2014

I understand what you are saying. And I do know her better than anybody here giving advice. That is not to say you are not right, but I need to realize why you are right in my case. I always felt that if I acted distant or cold, that she would go away and hide rather than face me and find out why it is that I am being distant. So how can I willingly "ignore" her when I feel that pushes her away more than if I consider her.

As I said we worked together, and never left work without talking to the other. We always made plans and wished the other a good evening if we would see each other again that day.

So this was the first week that we were working together as exes. The first day she asked me how I was, and then before she left she came to my room and waived goodbye. Next day she came and we talked for about 15 minutes. It was fun, sweet, but she is still a little resistant. I feel like she is testing me in a sense, letting me know what she wants rejecting my small invites to lunch but then leaving it open to go do it next day or so. And I think she is becoming more comfortable seeing that I am ok with her saying what is on her mind. This was her biggest fear. If you haven't done so please read all my responses as there other bits and pieces that fit together into the puzzle.

So what do you think I should do? Besides saying nothing and NC. I don't think nothing will result in anything.

Yesterday we said we would go down for a walk together. I told her that I would wait for her to ask me to go because she is always drowning in her work.

Today we are supposed to go for lunch. And I think if I don't ask her that she will just go wondering why I didn't instead of initiating. Please give me some advice on this!

THanks for all your posts so far. Just writing here is helping me vent and possibly stop me from doing stupid things.

July 4, 2014

^^^ Yup!!! Do you think anyone on this forum would say that their RS was NOT one of a kind?

Their all unique. Their all totally different... Except... Their not.

To quote Bon Jovi... "It's all the same... Only the names will change..."

July 4, 2014

Opps I forgot to mention>

At the end of the day she was surprised that we didn't go down for a walk. Eventhough I told her I would let her tell me when to go due to her busy schedule.

July 4, 2014

It is the girl I am focused on being very "Strange" and fragile. Not the RS.

July 4, 2014

Dude, you're being groomed right into the friend zone!!!

Pump the breaks and take a deep breath... This is bad news for you. No two ways about it!!!!

July 4, 2014

Dude, you're being groomed right into the friend zone!!!

Pump the breaks and take a deep breath... This is bad news for you. No two ways about it!!!!

I think she's letting him go easy, she feels guilty .

July 4, 2014

I understand what you are saying. And I do know her better than anybody here giving advice. That is not to say you are not right, but I need to realize why you are right in my case. I always felt that if I acted distant or cold, that she would go away and hide rather than face me and find out why it is that I am being distant. So how can I willingly "ignore" her when I feel that pushes her away more than if I consider her.
As I said we worked together, and never left work without talking to the other. We always made plans and wished the other a good evening if we would see each other again that day.
So this was the first week that we were working together as exes. The first day she asked me how I was, and then before she left she came to my room and waived goodbye. Next day she came and we talked for about 15 minutes. It was fun, sweet, but she is still a little resistant. I feel like she is testing me in a sense, letting me know what she wants rejecting my small invites to lunch but then leaving it open to go do it next day or so. And I think she is becoming more comfortable seeing that I am ok with her saying what is on her mind. This was her biggest fear. If you haven't done so please read all my responses as there other bits and pieces that fit together into the puzzle.
So what do you think I should do? Besides saying nothing and NC. I don't think nothing will result in anything.
Yesterday we said we would go down for a walk together. I told her that I would wait for her to ask me to go because she is always drowning in her work.
Today we are supposed to go for lunch. And I think if I don't ask her that she will just go wondering why I didn't instead of initiating. Please give me some advice on this!
THanks for all your posts so far. Just writing here is helping me vent and possibly stop me from doing stupid things.

Your story is a dime a dozen on here. If I had a dollar for every poster that typed the same things that you are typing, let's just say I could go on a nice vacation just on that money.

Your responses have been typed here hundreds of times by hundreds of different people. And the overwhelming majority of those people got hit with a huge reality check. I'm really not sure why you are on here asking for advice if you are just going to tell everyone that they don't know anything.

People are different. But their reactions in these situations are frighteningly similar. And you sir, are making every mistake in the book. Leave her be (except when you have to talk to her for work purposes) and let her process this on her own. She wanted a breakup from you, so allow her to experience that. Right now you are being denied the benefits of a romantic relationship but you are giving her the emotional perks because you are too weak/afraid not to. And that sir, is not attractive.

I don't expect you to listen to this because you seem intent on telling us how your situation is so unique and different. And quite frankly, I hope you're right. I'd love to see you get what you want. But the way you are going about it almost always results in failure, disappointment, confusion, and anger.

Sign In

How Can I Become Close Friends With My Ex Girlfriend? I Don't Want To Give Up On Us!

Recommended Posts

Chrispy

Ben Dover

Griesfootball

Yamaha

d0nnivain

stillafool

Elle1975

Simon Phoenix

h86

Chrispy

Simon Phoenix

ConfusedHumanBeing

Chrispy

David87

Chrispy

sugarlove

Chrispy

Simon Phoenix

Chrispy

mtnbiker3000

Chrispy

Chrispy

mtnbiker3000

David87

Simon Phoenix

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...