Angha Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Hi! So I am trying to figure out if I am really indeed "over-sensitive", and really not normal in my head, and if I need to get a "thick skin" to what everyone says, or if I really just need to find a more supportive group of friends. I tend to ramble a lot, so I'll try putting things into scenarios. Bear with me kindly. 1) I was at a dear friend's wedding a few months ago. It was midnight, and despite the hectic activity, my friend and the groom were immensely patient and smiling all through. I happened to admire this and wondered aloud, "isn't this wonderful? Sometimes I think if I were to get married, I would just be sleepy by this hour!" to which a friend said, "you'll never get married, cause you're cranky." The same friend called me a "bitch" thrice, when I refused to do simple things for him like give him my camera, or run an errand which he was capable of doing for himself. Later in passing, he told me in an unrelated conversation, "I never use the word bitch lightly". At the same wedding, he was even "kidding": "You're what? 27 yrs old? You need to get married. After this it's all downhill and your bio clock is ticking." On another occasion the previous year, when I told him something he said was not cool, he asked me to, "suck it up. the world is not going to be nice to you." 2) While chatting with another friend online, I was casually wondering (and slightly confused) why a lady I knew would suddenly interrupt my conversation with her son to ask me the age gap between us. Then I was just wondering aloud about why a friend's ex used to call her "bro." She interrupted me, "Promise not to get upset if I told you something? You get offended too easily. I know I will resent you for it and don't want to lose you as a friend." While initially, I agreed, sure I could stop passing on things she doesn't want to hear (previously, she asked me to stop talking about business and politics, so I did), but I did tell her, that I never point out her personality quirks and that friends are supposed to lift each other up. If it was just what I was talking about, it could have remained at the subject and not a question of my personality. And if she feels stifled by my personality, she is not obliged and should really find better friends which makes her happy. To which she responds, "friends are not supposed to lift each other up. They're supposed to tell each other what they think of them honestly. I am fed up of walking around on eggshells around you, cause I don't know what'll offend you. Fine, lose me as a friend, cause I don't care anymore. You can't take an honest opinion and think I am attacking your personality. Just stop passing on depressing **** from the world from which I block myself from." She has said it twice to me before that she thinks i wear my heart on my sleeve, and should get a thick skin cause the world is harsh ( I don't think so), and people like the friend (friend 1. we're mutual friends) irritate me cause they get a rise out of me, and justifies his behaviour. Once when I fell into heavy street traffic and nearly avoided getting injured, she just texted me asking if i were alright, even though she and another friend were in a building right across the road. Friend 1) told me, "Serves you right for jaywalking." 3) Quite recently, I noticed my best friend saying things which have started pinching me. "You come to my home only to use the high speed internet right?" or "Why do you whine so much?" When I told her that i was getting a lot less dramatic, and maybe more spiritual these days and working on myself to get better, "You just were so dramatic about being Anemic." I was really very anemic, was diagnosed by the doctor, and extremely weak, but travelled 25 kilometers to meet her and her baby. I was really just making fun of myself saying things like, "Yeah my tanker is empty thanks to my period cycle.". The first time I wanted to date my ex boyfriend, she told me not to. Quite recently when I fell for a younger man, I was told, "Society will never accept this. You won't be able to give him kids. I am bringing you back to reality. I have a right over you." When I protested, I was met with "I have post partum. I am sorry I am such a horrible friend." Another time, when I suggested that her husband could have asked someone on the street a shorter route instead of taking the subway twice the distance in a new city, I was met with, "You know this is why people say you're aggressive." I was only trying to help. "Not everyone is as smart you know? A 35 year old man out of his hometown for the first time is not going to be comfortable talking to strangers." I understand she has a baby, and is moving cities and has coped with PPD. So I always do give her space and am always there when she needs me. I've had clinical depression myself, so I am super careful around people whether diagnosed or not. I have even been extremely cautious when she wanted to uproot her husband's job to move to a new city with better pay and when she gets anxious about her child's and husband's safety. And I did express that I was feeling detached from her and would appreciate if she sometimes texted updating me on her life or asked me what was up. She understood that part thankfully. But then again recently, I sent her this funny advertisement of a laxative with a note, "Pass it on to people who're full of bull**** in your life." To which she responds, "Is this why you sent it to me in the first place?" Another time when i told her, I want a better, more supportive group of friends in 2014, "Am I on that list?" and she starts laughing. I always get texted only when she needs advice or information of late. When she told me not to talk to my Ex, she seemed perfectly okay when I offered to talk to him and ask about housing options in the new city she was moving to. Sometime ago, I expressed a craving for a particular dish, so she said, "Come over, I'll make it for you!". So I said, "it won't be possible for me today. Am really tired and it's too far to your place!". to which she said, "People travel 25 kilometres for work etc. You can't travel this much for a friend?!" There was another crazy incident where she couldn't come on a road trip cause she was unwell during her first pregnancy. To which I offered to stay back with her or return home to my city. She actually wept and blackmailed me into making a 7 day road trip with her in-laws, family, husband and sister. Which was awkward as hell for me. 4) Another incident. When I spoke to another woman friend about the very serious flirtatious behavior of a mutual friend which confused me (who I liked back too), her response was, "you just read too much into it. That's just how he is. I have known him for 18 years. Put it in the past. No one is out to get you. No one cares about you. In my world too, only parents care about me and my husband." Initially, I felt that she was right. that maybe I did imagine it all. But it felt very against my gut and I felt I was being judged (for being overweight; cause popular opinion stands in culture that men don't get attracted to fat women and his former girlfriend was a model) or being gaslit. On another occasion when I was talking to her about a local birding group I am part of and inappropriate actions of men, her response was "men will be men. No that's not even creepy. you don't even know what creepy is. I will tell you what it is." with mock laughter. When I happened to talk about the mutual friend's flirting to a couple of guys, they really confirmed that that is indeed flirting behavior and that felt right with my gut. 5) I recently cut off a friend after listening to 5 years of him being regionalist, racist, sexist, casteist, classist, homophobic and xenophobic. Initially I found it funny how someone could be so narrow minded and would just humor him lightly and forget things. But as years went by, I found lower tolerance for someone who could hate so many people for who they were or where they came from or what God they prayed to. My best friend somehow couldn't understand that i didn't want to be friends with him anymore. He even laughed at a friend's mental illness. 6) I have this other friend, who I sometimes feels is competing with me. Once, I found this really nice pair of pants which didn't fit me, so I left them at the store. The next day, she went and bought them and wore them all through our first trip overseas. Two other occasions, when I wanted to apply at a place where she works, she told me all kinds of things as to why I wouldn't want to work where does and how she plans to leave etc. But when friend (2) applied to one place, she was literally pulled in by her while i was not even made a job offer after a very promising interview. Quite recently, I have been working VERY hard at my weight and health. To which at dinner out one day she says, "I am afraid you're getting anorexic. You workout 120 minutes a day. I wish I had the discipline to workout and eat healthy like you. you have such clear skin too! Sigh." Now I really don't know what to do anything anymore. I have been told I am impulsive, fickle, fat, impractical, childish, aggressive, over sensitive in the past. It has often gotten underneath my skin to an extent, that I believed all this and it really screwed with my head, body image. In fact, what I was told was so untrue, but I believed it that now it has become my reality. I admit, yes, I did get a bit ranty the past couple of years and indeed faced many problems with depression, food addiction because of coping with childhood issues of abuse and even being emotionally and physically harassed at a workplace. I just had a lot of things to talk inside me and get out. And now I have it all out. But I have been striving very hard to climb out of it. I go to therapists, I work hard on myself at the gym, at yoga, and read self help books. I agree and admit there're parts of me I indeed recognise and want to change personally for my own growth, cause I did not know any better earlier. Am I really a toxic person? And I am taking it all wrong, and am dramatic? I don't know. I asked two people I often confide in if I dragged them down and I was told they love me for who I am and like my intensity and that they value my opinion and I only say things I feel whether bad or good. And that am just a person who says what she feels, and just has a lot of emotions but don't drag them down. I am learning to understand that everyone is not the same, and people have their own issues and backgrounds because of which they react how they do. So I do need to be careful about my emotions and how I open up to people. But of late, it just feels like, I am surrounded by many, many people who make me feel hurt, like I am not good enough, or not worth it. My ex boyfriend who is still there for me through thick and thin tells me often, "you're amazing and beautiful. you just don't realise it." And it feels true. I often feel like I am wasting my youth and beauty and intelligence being a slacker and surrounding myself with people who I don't know if they're friends at all. I have been feelig horrible for days now, like i shouldn't even exist on this planet if I am so terrible as a person with wrong behaviour. I often now refrain from telling anyone anything about my life's little successes for fear of being put down. Quite recently, when I fell for that younger man, for once i realised, that it is possible to feel fabulous in someone's presence even at your worst. I think that's what am looking for in future friends, and to cultivate in myself. Sorry for the long post. I will appreciate your views.
Author Angha Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I also forgot to mention two more guy friends. One dumped me in the middle of a street at 11 p.m. to chase after a bus cause he had to go the public park next morning to "network" and couldn't drive home all the way. Quite recently, he called to ask me about swimming pools in his area (9 km away from where i live). When I suggested a pool slightly far away from his place but of professional sport level and said sometimes one might have to travel far to get good quality, I was told, "The problem with you is that you've decided to live your life travelling." I commute 9 kms by Bus everyday to my gym and yoga class. The other once told me he couldn't deal with my mood swings, cause I refused to get into a car with his stoned and drunk friend who offered to drop me home. "In my world, he offered a lift, and that's considered a gentlemanly thing to do." Sigh. Am exhausted. As must be you all.
CC12 Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 I'm going to guess that you are overly sensitive. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have taken offense to some of those things you mentioned, but I think you're letting it bother you too much. Look at how many words you wrote about all the different ways people have slighted you. How long did it take you to write that? How often do you let these thoughts occupy your mind? You're letting yourself spend too much time and emotional energy on this. Let go of this stuff, and let go of some of these friendships if they're causing you too much anguish. 4
Lernaean_Hydra Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 Good lord, you muse like a Victorian duchess. In reading this I have gathered from you a few things a) yes you are way too hypersensitive and b) you're overly analytical.
darkmoon Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) you pay therapists and yet need us here? look, not all friends are soul-mates, they are not close friends, just sattelite friends in that they are not on your wavelength, rather, they are peripheral, but do not do much like dropping them, you might end up lonely, so think this thru , if you do not like some of them at all for whatever reason, up to you to decide whether to let go of them or not, just do not bother with them except for polite small talk, no more confiding in them any more means no chances for them to be mean to you, no more crappy opinions, so decide who is nice to you, if none of them are, then just move on in a new direction, more to decide on, make plans to avoid any loneliness, art classes are good as it is usual to attend by yourself, then you get chatting, fun see what your therapy does? drags out a problem and leaves you feeling helpless, that'll be sixty dollars, thank you, see you next week...lol Edited July 4, 2014 by darkmoon
Author Angha Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 @CC12: I understand what you're saying here. After I wrote and published that, I indeed realised how much I was carrying inside me and was having trouble let go. Just reading what I wrote, gave me a headache, and an insight into how much poison was in my system. And that it indeed was hurting me from inside unnecessarily. I do indeed overthink many things, when it really just needs perspective shift. Maybe even being frank face up and telling people what I think in the moment, dump the reactions at their door and not carry it with me into other parts of life. I guess I do think like a victim due to what happened over the years and that part needs change. All of this is over 5 months, so I can imagine, it's a lot of bad weight am carrying in my head which is venomous. @Learnean_Hydra: :-) Thanks. It's an art. Jokes aside, am working on toning those parts of myself down. I am also realising, it's not a bad thing to be over sensitive, you know? Just learning how to express it better I suppose and do some emotional work there. @darkmoon: I couldn't afford therapy anymore because it was getting too expensive. But sometimes the emotions get better of me and I get overwhelmed. I just came on to this forum trying to find support. No harm in that I guess. :-) I understand what you are saying though. That I need to know how to distinguish between who're friends and not. I haven't had that filter in place so far, which is how i get into these situations and then spend unnecessary energy on wrong priorities like mulling over situations. I don't think I want to "burn" bridges, but yes, I have been considering the aspects of filling up my time with things like classes etc. I think a lot of the over analyses is cause I am also partially employed, so have much time to mull. I am slowly starting to work harder on thinking more positively, stop the negative chatter and definitely have a brighter view of life and cut the "out to get me" mentality. Thank you for your honest perspectives and views. Thanks for wading through all that mulch and putting in your time! Much appreciated. :-) 1
todreaminblue Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 hey angha, when you are sensitive it is easy to catalogue hurts.....i dont think you are being a victorian duchess for doing so......how i look at hurt is ...its meant to teach the person who is getting hurt something...... i use hurt to try and better myself.....i have been hurt a bit so if i let go of all the people who have hurt me....i would have to let go of the people i care about the most.....and that isnt happening...i dont let go....fair weather friends fade in and out...but when i care for someone ......i let go of the hurt instead.....i dont forget i cant forget ...photographic memory....but the hurt doesnt hurt anymore..... i am a multiple personality and in a way i think all of me has been hurt in some way....maybe that's how i can handle hurt....i develop personalities....but that is major trauma not just slights......slights are easy for me to get over. i know this too the fact is i have hurt people not intentionally but i am not perfect .....and neither are the people i care about......i often say yeah ill go raise llamas in tibet as a nun...the truth is ...i would get very lonely without people .....i have my other selves who would chatter on...but me ......i would get lonely...i have been lonely enough..its how i know how to be a good friend and appreciate friendship......from being alone and without friends....from forced seclusion and reclusiveness..... for many years..books were my friends my little sister was my friend and animals love me so i was never bored or alone but often lonely........one of my best friends gave me a photo frame that said you are the best friend every one wished they had...and i know i make an awesome friend .........i am loyal to the core in spite of hurt...... do you remember when you were a child and when your friend said sorry you naturally forgave them......that's how you get over hurt......you remember what it was like to be a child.....and all children have open hearts when it comes to friends who hurt them...as adults, the hurt becomes walls, we construct barriers to future hurt....... no friend will be perfectly in line with you...you will have disagreements ...who wants friends that dont have their own mind and heart and speak it like it is for them......you can make it work...you just have to let go and stop building walls....always be respectful even if they dont afford you the same but be firm.....always be kind even when they are unkind.....dont be a door mat say when somethign is wrong, speak up.dotn stock pile th ehurts deal with them as they happen...but remember why you like them in the first place, their good qualities, bring them to the front of your mind and hold on to those qualities you like, not the ones you dont like.........i wish you the best ......deb 1
Author Angha Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Dear Deb, Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. After I posted my replies here, I did a bit of introspection. And you know what, I agree with you, I agree with CC12. I do let things bother me deeply, so I do need to prioritise who to give importance to and count as friends and "satellite friends" as darkmoon put it properly. And indeed, it does happen that we catalogue hurts for being "sensitive", and get hurt, or hurt those we value. But it's after we get hurt repeatedly, I think we proceed to think if we have any value in their lives and if they deserve any in yours anymore. I don't know why "sensitivity" is seen as a bad thing. And you're right, we put up walls, we box people in and generalise. In fact, now, I don't see myself as a "victorian duchess" or "over sensitive" either in retrospect. I just dared to open myself up to criticism. People who point fingers asking others to change so that they can be comfortable are just making deals, not friends I suppose. They're also often the ones who are not looking within themselves. Also, working with therapists etc is absolutely fine, cause it drags out a problem to examine it and release it. Often that resentment is what causes blocks. I think I choose to honor my feelings, even if I felt bad about what my friends said to me. Sure, there will be no burning of bridges, but I will be letting some people into the outer circles. I always did have trouble gauging that not everyone is the same as they project themselves to be outside. Often, what we dislike in others, is a reflection of what we've not healed in ourselves. I find in my experience that people who call you "over sensitive", often react very badly in return when you find their hot button. And surely, not many of these would be friends if I were to start talking to them the way they do to me and would feel equally hurt. :-) It's not even about developing a "thick skin" to protect oneself from slights or abuse. And it is super easy to write people off into boxes to save us the trouble of thinking. Each of us comes from different backgrounds and childhood and adulthood experiences. But to take problems out of context and tell someone things about themselves causing a negative effect is often reflective of the people saying it. I like what Maya Angelou says about Believing people when they tell you who they are. But definitely not when they tell you who you are. I agree with you deb, that I need to start speaking up immediately when I dislike something. If they're really friends, they'll understand. I used to be like that, but I learned in a very abusive workplace to stop respecting my feelings. That will help not stockpile the hurts for sure. :-) I do learn from the hurts too like you said. Just that, sometimes it does get to me deeply cause you don't expect someone to take out something else bothering them on to you. Indeed, we all want friends who say what they want and be themselves around us. But it's a terrible bargain if they want us to change to accommodate their behavior for which they don't want to take responsibility. Again, thanks for your time Deb and opinions. :-) Regards, Angha 2
todreaminblue Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Dear Angha, I don't believe sensitivity is a bad thing, like you, sensitivity to others and the environment around us is needed, and i feel when people lose that sensitivity, that's when you hurt people, as a child i was told to suck it up and you have obviously heard that before, grow up suck it up don't be a baby....dont be childish....lol...makes me laugh now because i was a child..... i remember when my dad dragged me across the road to confront the mother of some boys who had just stoned me .....to shut up and stop crying we were goign whther i liked it or not.........with me saying dad i dont want to go i just want to see mum begging him not to take me to the parents of these boys, i had blood dripping in my eyes from my forehead and i could see red hair hanging in front of me because i had my head down, and bait in my hair i just wanted my mum to make it better, i was extremely sore, and really anxious i knew the reception we would get....and i was right ...she looked at me and laughed and said why werent you watching her f uckwit......after we left he didnt speak to me at all and i walked behind my dad(i really dislike it when people leave me to walk behind them like i dont count for much) he was so angry....i was broken and just wanting my mum to get that slimy disgusting bait out of my long hair ....my dad was outraged and his face was completely red looked like he was about to blow a gasket...now was that outrage for me or for him and inability to achieve the resolution he wanted my mum gave me the resolution i wanted, she washed my hair took all the bait out and soothed the cuts and she hugged me close which si what i really needed hwoever childish my dad thought that was ..i was ten .....there is a point there anghre.. if my dad had afforded me a little of his own sensitivity and relinquished his outrage at the situation and his belief on what would be restitution for hurt i had gotten(which was a simple apology that's all he wanted but that apology was for him not for me i just wanted my mum)..i might have gotten over that incident quicker...it doesnt hurt to tell now, but it makes me feel a little haunted.....for this reason i think i am more sensitive to those around me to those i love and care about....and i know satellite friends......they however, whether satellites or not are afforded the same treatment as i treat every one and when i am outraged or angry at slights i study it with introspection i may lash out but it doesnt last long three days max...lol...smilin...then i miss them...i have done therapy to death.....smilin....i have learned strategies i implement myself i dont hunger for apologies......i dont expect them nor do i need them to move on......so i am an easy friend to have..... people can hurt us and that they do isnt a reflection on us being babies or victiorian duchesses or any thing of the like......its reflection of their own in ability to understand what we seek i love maya angelou...such a wise woman......i have many of her quotes... one thing i do know is our worth isnt determined by someone else insensitivity our worth is of the higher power and his love for us is priceless....so therefore i say every one is price less whether they hurt me or not love me or not i have the same value as anyone else has to eb respected and treated just as kindly as i treat them.... ...a shrink told me once to stop throwing my problems up to god (it is common fro em to say this when i dont know what to do after i have exhausted myself to find a way out.....).....and i said back ....why not.......that shrink called me delusional because i said god answers me and comforts me....my shrink said i dont deal with my problems....but then ...it is easy fro a shrink to say that.....he hasnt lived my life nor dealt with the things i have........and i am still kickin angha and some wouldnt be ....so god.....does answer my prayers he does listen adn i have helped many because of him he keeps booting them to my door.......always...he gives me what i need to continue smilin and to help others to smile again..........i hope and i send a prayer up for you to....blessed be you..with the same regards......deb
Author Angha Posted July 5, 2014 Author Posted July 5, 2014 Dear deb, I completely get what you say. And I hope you have healed from all those past hurts, or at least are on the path to recovery. :-) I found this and thought of you. I think the hyperlinks within it are also extremely enlightening. It is highly essential reading for everyone who deflect others' feelings as inconsequential. 75 Nice Things People Say to Shut Up Your Feelings Cheers, Angha
todreaminblue Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Dear deb, I completely get what you say. And I hope you have healed from all those past hurts, or at least are on the path to recovery. :-) I found this and thought of you. I think the hyperlinks within it are also extremely enlightening. It is highly essential reading for everyone who deflect others' feelings as inconsequential. 75 Nice Things People Say to Shut Up Your Feelings Cheers, Angha lol have heard so many of them i just stop talking.......so yeah i shut up......or close off......i am healed angha as much as i can be healed because i accept what happened what happens now and what will happen in the future.....its not of my doing......ill just deal like i always have...i actually love people and for the most part they love me back......the ones that dont confuse me but i have too much love in my heart to change how i am.......they cant beat it out of me and people have tried.....so words are inconsequential...so are apologies........i feel i am stronger for what i have been through i can face almost anything in spite of fear, because there isnt much i havent faced bar death ....the only thing i cant face and i go a bit schizoid is when others get hurt......especially people i care for...soldier to the end...that is who i am...i see a fellow soldier in you........and soldiers get hurt often ...but they dont stop fighting....ever....scars are actually more resilient than un-scarred skin......tougher to break tougher to cut .....scars shine through tattoos............and no one will break me or scar what is already scarred............hugs to ya....deb a soldier fights for what he loves and not for what he hates......i dont fight for ignorance or pettiness or hurtful things...i fight for love and my belief in love.....and people well....all of us make mistakes......doesnt make us or anyone bad people...just makes us human..deb
Theory816 Posted July 7, 2014 Posted July 7, 2014 People sometimes don't realize they are being *******s. You probably did some *******ish things to your friend and you didn't realize it. I use to always go over to my friends house at 9pm and play games until 5am in the morning and go home. This was like every other day because I had sold my game system. He would always tell me that I'm just going over there to play games and at the time I didn't see it as a big deal. To him he felt being used. We all do crappy things to each other.
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