sugarlove Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 It's been only 3 months.. and today I'm not feeling too well, winter chill has given me the flu. Missing him greatly and was talking to my mom about it. She said that I should just move on, it's already been so many months, too long to hold on to someone. And I snapped at her. Am I really obsessive to the point that it's been so many months and I'm still thinking of him? I wonder how many months more before I really let go.. it didn't seem that long to me though, I felt it was just a few weeks ago, is that normal? I'm thinking perhaps he would have noticed it's been so long as well, maybe he would have moved on by now. Just wondering how long is too long to be missing someone....?
Always Pondering Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope that you feel better from your sickness. Remember to take lots of liquids and rest! There is no specific time frame for when an individual is able to overcome their heartbreak and heal. It gets worse before it gets better and it could take a very short time or a very long time. After 3 months, I was still an absolute mess and things were struggling in my life. I do not believe you're "obsessive" by thinking about your former partner frequently. Your heart is hurting and is struggling to adjust to life without him. In the times of sickness, holidays, and celebrations, it will undoubtedly become harder for you. From what I've seen, 3 months is not too long. Heal at your own pace and keep in mind knowing that you can and will get better. As you progressively get better, your life without him will unravel and you will feel much happier. You'll feel relieved and the number of thoughts you get involving him will drastically decrease. Take it one step at a time. I promise you that once you overcome your sickness, you'll already feel much better both mentally and physically.
Author sugarlove Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Thank you. I am doing well with NC so far. 10 days and counting. Haven't feel the urge to contact him at all. I have said all I wanted to say and have send so many texts, emails and letters that there is now nothing more I can do. I expected him to be scared of me by now after all that mixed messages I sent. One minute I'm nice, the next I"m pleading, and the next I'm angry. He must have felt I am a loony toon... ugh. I have no motivation to date, I am happy to be by myself and have always been an introvert. I can't help feeling a lot of guilt and shame. And I keep wondering if he will forget the nasties I said and did as time goes by. My mother said be happy because you are still young, and you've your kids and they are healthy. But it's not that I don't know all that. I do but I'm still not really happy. In fact, I was feeling really strong a few days ago, coming on to LS to help others to move on. Yet, I feel like a hypocrite now as I can't even talk myself out of this mind haze. Hopefully I'll be able to get some rest during the weekends as I feel slightly out of whack with my emotions today. Hope it's just the flu.
Chi townD Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Wow! It's weird to see someone writing about the winter chill. I forgot it's winter in Australia. Yes, you need to move on. But, you need to start making positive changes in your life. I recommend, that you get a new hairstyle, something people will notice and like. Then, go out and get a new wardrobe. You want people to say to you, "Wow! You look hot!" That is going to help your self esteem. Then, gets some new hobbies. There are clubs in your area with people that have the same interests. So, join a running club or cycling club. Join community theater or take a cooking class or dance lessons, or diving classes. YOU'RE IN AUSTRALIA!! I'd give my right arm to see the Great Barrier Reef!!! And it's right there for you! (well, not RIGHT there....but a hell of a lot closer than I am) The point is, you need to get out there and do things and meet new people. This will help your self confidence. Try it! Force yourself to try it!
Author sugarlove Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I will. I've been trying to go to the gym. The key word is trying as I've only went twice. I'm not even an exercise person so you can see how desperate I am to want to feel better. I need to get out more. I work from home.. so it's starting to get really unhealthy for me. I haven't do any shopping in ages.. so I'll try to go out and see if retail therapy helps. Yet I'm so scared I'll meet my ex so staying at home is safe. Haha. Thanks for the motivation. I kept remembering he felt for me deeper than I did.. so all that guilt and loss. Still trying to accept that it takes 2 to make up. You sounded so excited about australia.. next week my kids won't be with me for the winter break, I might just consider your suggestions!
Smarty Pants Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I will. I've been trying to go to the gym. The key word is trying as I've only went twice. I'm not even an exercise person so you can see how desperate I am to want to feel better. I need to get out more. I work from home.. so it's starting to get really unhealthy for me. I haven't do any shopping in ages.. so I'll try to go out and see if retail therapy helps. Yet I'm so scared I'll meet my ex so staying at home is safe. Haha. Thanks for the motivation. I kept remembering he felt for me deeper than I did.. so all that guilt and loss. Still trying to accept that it takes 2 to make up. You sounded so excited about australia.. next week my kids won't be with me for the winter break, I might just consider your suggestions! Everyone moves at their own pace. Don't get hung up on the length of time ie 3 months broken up, 10 days NC. It just sets a standard that you should be healed after x amount of days. Like many people on here I would watch youtube videos about getting back together and breaking up. The only thing I have kept from that is something called the "5 second rule". If I tell myself I need to go to to gym, or anything else to make me feel better, I don't think about it. Within 5 seconds I am making moves to go do that thing. That way, you don't have time to sit around and make excuses about why you don't want to do these things. Just something to think about. 1
Moonborn Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I think that going out is key. When I stay home for too long I crumble, when I am at the place where I work or go out with friends everything is much better. I have also noticed that for me talking with other girls helps, but that may be just a guy thing. I also agree with meeting new people being a good thing. Anyway please accept solidarity from a random person living on the opposite side of the world, who currently wishes it was winter here cause, heck, it's hot >.> . Eventho not as hot as in other places I suppose. But I am rambling!
Author sugarlove Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone, today I realised that if I'm not in the mood to go out, I will call my friend over. She came over straight away and spend 5 hours with me just chatting about nothing. And mostly she let me talk about the relationship and allowed me to cry about some issues. She said that I have to remember that it's not going to be easy and not to give up on myself. That the reason why I feel I can't let go as fast as I wanted to could be due to the fact I allow my self to feel guilty about the breakup. When the whole issue about this is to do with him, he has to fight his own demons and realised what he has thrown away and why. His sexting is a big issue as it was done during the relationship and he has to apologise, not me. She insisted I don't have to feel apologetic about anything as I didn't cheat on him. She also told me that he might have wanted out for a while but couldn't muster the courage to tell me. Instead, he decided not to give me any real reason and have picked Facebook to throw away what we have planned. Not only did he used that to blame it on me, he went home on the same day and blocked me on everything giving me the impression that I am the one who destroyed us. This can't be someone who loves me, she said. Using Facebook as a dealbreaker is kinda stupid even for me, she said. A person who loves you truly will have forgiven you by now. His actions since this breakup is aimed to cause hurt and pain. A guy who is mature enough will never do anything to cause additional hurt again and again. As if breaking up isn't enough. Why am I holding on to him? I felt better.. I think sometimes being by myself, I tend to gradually convince myself that I am to blame for everything. I agree that I have to really start going out and mix around to get more perspective and keep moving on. Edited July 4, 2014 by sugarlove
Always Pondering Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 You have an invaluable friend who's there to support you and seems to give good advice. It's great to hear that she's willing to help you out so much in your time of hurt by being compassionate and spending her time with you. Allowing yourself to enjoy some fresh air and company of others is really important as you know, especially since you work from home. The odds of running into your ex are quite slim unless you work together, go to the same gym, live on the same street, or the like. As the others have said, staying home alone is like poison. Even if you have nothing to do, you can go to the park, library, or bookstore and enjoy a good novel. That's what I tend to do if everyone I know is busy or I want fresh air while still being alone. You haven't gone shopping in a while, so invite a friend or two and treat yourself to something nice! That is, once you feel better from your flu of course. 1
emotionalMess Posted July 4, 2014 Posted July 4, 2014 What is your purpose in life? Have you discovered it? Are you chasing it? Your happiness has to come from within, not from him or anybody else. Once you discover your purpose and start chasing it, you will stop chasing him. Who is your inner child? Do you remember her? What did she like most about life?
Author sugarlove Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) What is your purpose in life? Have you discovered it? Are you chasing it? Your happiness has to come from within, not from him or anybody else. Once you discover your purpose and start chasing it, you will stop chasing him. Who is your inner child? Do you remember her? What did she like most about life? Well, for one thing.. I work from home. I quit my pharmacist job because I realised all I wanted to do was to bake. And I was going really well with my business before the relationship. It was the evidence of me "living better" after I left my marriage. I proved to myself that I can still bring up 3 kids on my own without a man in my life and yet still do what I love. I just always want to be a great mom to my kids. But instead I fell into this foolishness and fell for someone who doesn't deserve it. Ironically, it was my strength and what I've been through that drew him to me. But as time went by, he grew tired of my dreams.. and used the hours I put into my work as a reason that the relationship won't work. I recalled the week before the breakup, he told me that he felt if we live together, we will always be arguing about my lack of sleep. I brushed it off and said I'll try my best.... but I realised now that it was just a flimsy excuse which he didn't dare to act on. Surely he knew it takes work and erratic hours to set up my own business. So, i'm still doing what I love, still pursuing what I always wanted to do... except this time without him. I miss his support.. or the support he had for me during the honeymoon period. But I don't need it if it's not sincere. My daughter said to me.. mind you, she's only 9. She said he made my life very hard and very sad when he left. So I should stop feeling sad for him because he did not make me happier. She also said that if I've apologised many times, he already know I am sorry and sad. But nothing happen. Her words were that our lives are still the same, with or without him. Kids these days.. really tugged at my heart strings. I am very open to my children. I don't throw my issues at them or let them see me cry. I made sure they judge situations for themselves in a fair way. And I'm glad I did. Edited July 4, 2014 by sugarlove
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