No other choice… Bipolar Depression?

[Niko 2021]

(hopefully I posted this in the right forum)

Hi, I honestly don't know what else to do. To keep things short, I met her, did the long distance thing for a year, lived with her for 3 years, and as of last year, doing the long distance thing again. We lived together in Florida for 3 years while attending college. Upon graduation, I went back to Cali to visit for a few months, but that's when I saw a new side of her. (summer 2013)

 

Maybe there's something that happened that she's not telling me, but she became completely numb and cold. She wouldn't text me much, even till this day, (we're technically still together). During my few months vacation after graduation (summer 2013), she would get hostile when I brought up our issues and verbally abuse me on webcam or the phone. Whenever I asked why she's like this, she just says she's a "cold hearted B word" She would yell at me saying how I am the woman since I'm the one who's emotional and trying to save us. She would then texted me saying she's sorry and depressed, and doesn't know why she's "broken" and like this. These episodes would happen every few days for about a few months, until I distanced myself from her.

 

I could be wrong, and BTW I really hate self diagnosing people because I think it is pretty ignorant on my part to do so, but is that a sign of bipolar depression? On a few occasions she did say she is depressed, whenever I ask if she wants help, she said No, she's scared. I would even help cover costs if needed. I am at my breaking point. I want my loving girlfriend back, but it seems like she probably left a year ago.

 

Today I texted her today, after a full day of her ignoring me, asking if she just wants me to leave her alone (first conversation about our relationship in a while), she said no. I asked her "what does she want then?" She says Happiness, Love, Affection, a Family, and Not to feel alone. So I kinda broke down and replied…

 

"I dont understand, unless I text you, i don't hear from you, Unless I ask to webcam with you, we don't webcam, and that's when you don't reject me, I spend a lot of money and effort to see you every few months no matter how tired I am the next day at work, and now that I got a decent job, I'm willing to move you here, you've been cold to me for over a year, and I'm still here."

 

And all she said was, "I've been that way with everyone, don't take it personally." Then she vanished.

 

Mind you, I text her all the time, just for her to ignore me. I ask her to webcam, just for her to say no, I spent thousands of dollars to fly to see her every few months, going back to work the next morning very tired, and for what? For her to say that?

 

She's not the girl I fell in love with, in fact the complete opposite. She has a history of depression in her extended family. But if she does have Bi-polar depression, how do I solve that? How can I tell her that she needs to see a psych? That's she's "crazy" and needs pills (not in those words of course) She's just cold to the world now, and hostile to me.

 

If I can't get through to her, I'm afraid I'll lose whatever is left of her, and the possibility of getting the real her back. This last year has been hell for me regarding our relationship. I've been sad because of it, but I can't confide in her because it feels like I'm walking on eggshells when communicating with her, as to not trigger any of her episodes. What I'd like is for her to at least visit a psychiatrist and see if there's anything wrong. If she can't do that, I will have to leave her. Is there any hope?

Edited July 3, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Eagle755]

I'm by no means an expert on any of this. But I just dated a girl for two years, who has bipolar depression. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Then she stopped taking medicine. And became a totally different person. You described her perfectly. I tried handling it for 6 months before she left me and slept with another guy because she wasn't getting the attention she needed from me, and all we did was fight and argue, I had no clue how to deal with a bipolar person.

Let me tell you, it's not easy. And you're probably going down the same dark road I was, and doing everything wrong as I did.

Look up how to handle people with the disorder, and how to deal with someone who has it, there's sites and places that will give you good information on what to do.

I read them and was just like, ****, I wish I knew this 8 months ago, then maybe I'd still have the love of my life.

[adapting]

I was in a similar situation to your girlfriend near the end of my last relationship. And honestly, there is no easy answer to this, other than that I'm sure she really loves you, and when she says she's been like that with everyone and not to take it personally she means it. That was something I really wish my ex would have understood. But to be perfectly honest, there were times I thought about breaking up with him too.

 

For me, I know my hormones were completely out of whack, and that was a huge part of it, and I honestly think it's something most women go through to some extent at some point in their 20's... but I could be wrong. For me, anything even remotely stressful seemed like a personal attack on me, and something I couldn't deal with. Not having you there with her is probably very stressful (I was also going through the long distance thing at the time) and the fact that she knows when she's being a bitch probably makes her not want to talk to you, because when she's in a mood like that she doesn't want to say anything offensive to you that she doesn't mean. I don't know what you can do other than try to support her and tell her that you want to help her get through it. And get her to see a counselor. Where I live, I had to wait like 6 months before I could get in to see a psychiatrist, I didn't like/feel comfortable talking to him when I did get in, and in the end he didn't really help me much. But it's easier to get in to see a therapist/counsellor, and their focus is more on helping the person talk and think through their problems rather than diagnosing them and prescribing meds. I don't know, for me I was just more comfortable talking with a counsellor too.

 

One of the hardest things for me was that my ex would get mad and blame me for my behaviour when I honestly didn't mean any of it, I was just seriously under so much stress that my immediate reaction to everything was that I was being attacked - even though after I took the time to think about things I would realize I was blowing them out of proportion. It was basically adrenal fatigue from too much stress I'm pretty sure, and the same might be true for your gf.

[flitzanu]

she may just "be a cold hearted B word" as she suggested. you lived with her for 3 years and never saw this side, right? never noticed her taking meds or dealing with manic mood swings? she couldn't just "become bipolar" over a few months, these would have been signs you'd have seen for a long time now.

[Niko 2021]

Thank you all for replying. And no, she doesn't take any meds, she's not diagnosed, she may not even be bipolar or depressed, it just seems like that'd be the answer. BUT, one thing that has changed, she started taking birth control a few years ago. Im not sure if it's estrogen/progesterone based, but could that influence her mood swings? Maybe that might be the answer? I know she does have bad menstrual cycles without it. It feels like everyday i have to wake up and win her over and show her why we fell in love, (kinda like 50 first days, I know). But it's seriously making me depressed just going through this everyday. She's just so cold. Also, she's not in a receptive state where good or bad reinforcement would even work. I can't threaten to leave, or I can't make her feel loved, neither would work. I feel so lost.

[flitzanu]

well then the question truly is, are you happy? because it doesn't sound like it. if you're not happy, then leave. you don't have to be treated that way, and someone who loves you wouldn't be treating you that way.

[Elle1975]

Unless she gets a diagnosis, for now she is just someone you need to let go off.

 

The one thing that jumped out at me was the "don't take it personally I am like that with everybody". Oh okay.. So it's alright to treat you like dirt.. And mind you, you are not "everybody."

 

So, unless she gets a diagnosis, my thought on it is that she wants to let go of the relationship and is too much of a coward to do so. She takes out her anger on you, and you take it.

 

Bipolar or not, there is no reason to become her doormat and emotional garbage can.

[Niko 2021]

Unless she gets a diagnosis, for now she is just someone you need to let go off.

 

The one thing that jumped out at me was the "don't take it personally I am like that with everybody". Oh okay.. So it's alright to treat you like dirt.. And mind you, you are not "everybody."

 

So, unless she gets a diagnosis, my thought on it is that she wants to let go of the relationship and is too much of a coward to do so. She takes out her anger on you, and you take it.

 

Bipolar or not, there is no reason to become her doormat and emotional garbage can.

How do I get her to go see a psych? It's like a catch 22. She's very cold, distant, and emotionless that she wouldn't be receptive to anyone trying to tell her that she needs help. She doesn't confide in anyone but her mom, who babies her, and her mom is pretty much the only person she talks to. I know there's a big chance I'll have to let her go. But I need to just try a last ditch effort before I create my own closure that she did not want to seek help.

[flitzanu]

what is it going to prove to get her diagnosed? she has to be willing to see that she's causing YOU issues as well as herself, and it sounds like she isn't doing that at all. she knows she's being rude to you and isn't taking any measures to change it. suggesting she has a personality disorder i'm sure is not going to go over very well.

[Elle1975]

How do I get her to go see a psych? It's like a catch 22. She's very cold, distant, and emotionless that she wouldn't be receptive to anyone trying to tell her that she needs help. She doesn't confide in anyone but her mom, who babies her, and her mom is pretty much the only person she talks to. I know there's a big chance I'll have to let her go. But I need to just try a last ditch effort before I create my own closure that she did not want to seek help.

 

That's the thing with mental illnesses, patients often think there's nothing wrong with them.

 

Keep also in mind that the word "bipolar" gets thrown left and right to explain unusual behaviors. Might be that she is, or might be that she's just cheating.

[adapting]

I would just ask yourself this...

 

If she gets through it and gets better, is it worth having lost her?

 

Yes, you have to take care of yourself too, but in my opinion relationships aren't just about the good times, but also supporting each other through hard times, and if she's sick but could get better, is it worth ruining a lifetime with her because you're having a difficult time right now?

 

No one can answer that but you, and maybe it isn't worth it to you, and you should just take care of yourself and end things, but there's a good chance she will get better eventually, and if you leave her when she feels like she needs your support most, then you probably won't be able to get back together in the future once she's better - nobody wants a fair weather boyfriend.

 

Then again, if you communicate your concerns with her, openly and honestly and just say you want the best outcome, maybe the two of you could sit down and talk and decide together that you should be apart. When I was going through similar stuff, part of me didn't want to be with my guy because I felt like there was nothing he could do for me, and I had to face my issues on my own, without getting in the way of his life or bringing him down. Even though I loved him so so much. But then he was never good at dealing with the "bad stuff" in life, and he had his own reasons for this, which I try not to judge him for. If you honestly tell her that she's bringing you down, maybe she will think you guys need to end it for your sake, because she doesn't want to drag you through whatever she's going through. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Just keep in mind, if she is bipolar, the guy she marries, whether its you or someone else, will be the guy who stands by her through this stuff. And even if you do end it, if you do care about her a lot you can still check in with her from time to time to see that she's doing ok, and show her that you're there for her if she needs you, if you want to be.

[Niko 2021]

I would just ask yourself this...

 

If she gets through it and gets better, is it worth having lost her?

 

Yes, you have to take care of yourself too, but in my opinion relationships aren't just about the good times, but also supporting each other through hard times, and if she's sick but could get better, is it worth ruining a lifetime with her because you're having a difficult time right now?

 

No one can answer that but you, and maybe it isn't worth it to you, and you should just take care of yourself and end things, but there's a good chance she will get better eventually, and if you leave her when she feels like she needs your support most, then you probably won't be able to get back together in the future once she's better - nobody wants a fair weather boyfriend.

 

Then again, if you communicate your concerns with her, openly and honestly and just say you want the best outcome, maybe the two of you could sit down and talk and decide together that you should be apart. When I was going through similar stuff, part of me didn't want to be with my guy because I felt like there was nothing he could do for me, and I had to face my issues on my own, without getting in the way of his life or bringing him down. Even though I loved him so so much. But then he was never good at dealing with the "bad stuff" in life, and he had his own reasons for this, which I try not to judge him for. If you honestly tell her that she's bringing you down, maybe she will think you guys need to end it for your sake, because she doesn't want to drag you through whatever she's going through. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Just keep in mind, if she is bipolar, the guy she marries, whether its you or someone else, will be the guy who stands by her through this stuff. And even if you do end it, if you do care about her a lot you can still check in with her from time to time to see that she's doing ok, and show her that you're there for her if she needs you, if you want to be.

I'm honestly glad that I am getting replies for both sides of the argument, whether or not leave her. The first thing is, she admitted she has an emotional problem. But the question is how do I talk to her into getting help? All of my attempts for the past year have failed, and just ended up with her erupting at me and making things worse. How is she "all of a sudden" going to get better? She is terrified of doctors. I want nothing more than for her to get better and seek help, any help, whether it be medication, herbal, or therapy. But I can't seem to convince her to. I do feel that maybe she was always like this, until she met me. She fell in love with me, so the "ill" side of her was repressed, until last year when she broke down. It kind of makes sense, since the majority of her family stays away from her, (only her mom and dad talks to her), she also has no female friends. I don't know if those relate in any way, just trying to piece things together.

Edited July 5, 2014 by Niko 2021

[adapting]

She won't "all of the sudden" get better, it is a slow process, but if she works at it, she can. She has to want to. Maybe you leaving her would give her that motivation, but you have to be sure you aren't going to want her back once she does get better because that's not fair. You're either in or you're out. Or maybe, telling her straight up that you love her and want to help her, but there's nothing you can do if she won't help herself would be enough.

 

I'm not trying to say one way or the other if you should stay or if you should go. I'm just saying look at the big picture: do you want her in your life in the future? Maybe what she needs right now is to be alone so that she's forced to face her issues - because maybe by putting up with it you're enabling her to keep acting the way she is. But if you leave her now, she might never want to speak to you again.

 

I can tell you that one thing that keeps my emotions in check is chocolate - so maybe start by giving her a box of chocolates and having her eat a bunch of them before talking to her about any of it (seriously though).