CurlyQ Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I am with an amazing man. We have been together for almost a year and on the larger scale things are great. His family loves me, his closer friends love me, and he loves me. But we have had our problems. At the beginning he was weary of getting into a relationship because he had only been in one, which was 7 years ago, and when he was 16. I have been very patient with him getting into the groove of what real relationships entail, but his fears got the better of him in our past and he has called it off twice, only to discover that he really wants this. But now I am having the problems. Even though the break ups were short and only for a couple of days each (and not to mention they happened a long time ago now), my feelings of rejection won't go away. I'm constantly worried when we argue that he is going to leave me again. I feel as though I'm not good enough and it really upsets him. He says he loves me and wants us to work, but that he needs me to be secure in myself and the relationship, which of course makes me angry because I wasn't insecure with him until he panicked and left me, and I've never had this problem in other relationships. I also haven't felt this much love for any of my past boyfriends and I feel like I have met my husband whenever I look at him. I know he had his own things going on in his head when he made his decisions, but I can't stop feeling like it's going to happen again. How do I start being more comfortable and confident with my relationship and my abilities to keep him happy?
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 How do I start being more comfortable and confident with my relationship and my abilities to keep him happy? You have it backward dear. It's not your job to keep him happy. He's the one who put this relationship in the state it is in by breaking up twice in not even 1 year. He's the one who needs to show you he's not going to run off each time your relationship encounters a wave. You don't 'keep' a man, you can just be your best self and that will keep him around or it won't. Why did he break up twice? Have you solved those reasons or they're still lingering?
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 this is what happens when people employ the break-up method of resolving relationship problems. They undermine the foundation of trust because both know somebody is willing to walk away rather that stay & fight. You have a right to be insecure because he made you this way. At this point he needs to be doing more to reassure you. However, since you didn't address this when then break up / reconciliation happened, bringing it up now, out of the blue, makes you seem flakey. 2
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It depends on what you did that made him break it off. If you did something really foul to him and he broke it off before, maybe you should be scared not to do it again
marcjb Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It depends on what you did that made him break it off. If you did something really foul to him and he broke it off before, maybe you should be scared not to do it again Not true, there are some people that think the answer is to always break up when problems occur. These people are commitment phobes and are pretty closed off emotionally.
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Not true, there are some people that think the answer is to always break up when problems occur. These people are commitment phobes and are pretty closed off emotionally. I take it that you know what happened then? - If you dont, you probably should be quiet
Keenly Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 You're going to have to forgive him, and acknowledge that you love him and he loves you. If you truly want to stop being insecure about this, you have to put the past in the last, and leave it there. 2
Author CurlyQ Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Thanks everyone for the help. I feel bad if I blame it on him though. Nothing was done to make him leave.. He was very iffy about getting into a relationship in the first place and didn't know if he wanted it or not. I mean he had been single for 7 years and only had one other girlfriend experience. So those fears of the unknown and changing his life to accommodate a woman in it intimidated him and he pulled away when an issue arose that involved emotional communication. We've actually been talking a lot about it lately because he's trying to reassure me that we are stable and going places. I really want to let it go and stop worrying because I'm normally very strong willed and bold.
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Thanks everyone for the help. I feel bad if I blame it on him though. Nothing was done to make him leave.. He was very iffy about getting into a relationship in the first place and didn't know if he wanted it or not. I mean he had been single for 7 years and only had one other girlfriend experience. So those fears of the unknown and changing his life to accommodate a woman in it intimidated him and he pulled away when an issue arose that involved emotional communication. We've actually been talking a lot about it lately because he's trying to reassure me that we are stable and going places. I really want to let it go and stop worrying because I'm normally very strong willed and bold. When was that last time he broke up with you? You are right to feel insecure, he abandoned ship twice, your instinct is telling you to be careful, it will take a while to fully trust him again, it's normal. 2
Author CurlyQ Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 When was that last time he broke up with you? You are right to feel insecure, he abandoned ship twice, your instinct is telling you to be careful, it will take a while to fully trust him again, it's normal. The last time was the end of January, maybe on the 30th? Cause he came back to me 2 days after Superbowl Sunday on the verge of tears saying he was miserable without me and needed me in his life.
marcjb Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) I take it that you know what happened then? - If you dont, you probably should be quiet Yes, I do know from dealing with people first hand. You should consider taking your own advice. Edited July 3, 2014 by marcjb
Sulayman Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Yes, I do know from dealing with people first hand. You should consider taking your own advice. i think it's up to you to make him feeling secure and happy, so that he'll never break up with you again, u have to work on it
marcjb Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 i think it's up to you to make him feeling secure and happy, so that he'll never break up with you again, u have to work on it I think you meant to quote the OP. If the OP wasn't doing anything wrong and her BF was scared of commitment, that's something he needs to work on within himself.
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