Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 So I've been seeing a guy 6 months, all was going well until we had a little row which escalated. Anyway during the row he said he saw no future in us because I have a dog, he isn't an animal person and he can't see himself living with her. I said fair enough and thought it was over. We agreed no hard feelings and that we would stay friends. Now I feel a bit stuck, he is keeping contact I'm trying to cool it off and am not responding to about 60% of contact. I really do like him and I thought it was going somewhere. Last weekend I kept myself busy and have plans to stay busy this coming weekend. Both last week and this week he has asked what I'm up to at the weekend and he has said he would like to see me but knows its not fair. Why keep on contact if you want it to end? It's not a very kind thing to do? Is he genuinely trying to be friends? I'd really like to ask him why he is still maintaining this contact but i don't know. I am friends with both my exes but only to say happy birthday or the occasional how are you. This seems like he is deliberately trying to mess me around. Also he was with a previous girlfriend for a long time and they had a dog and he has said how upset he was when it ended and he didn't get to see the dog he had raised from a pup anymore. So he can't be not much of an animal person. I did say during the row I was annoyed he had started a relationship with me knowing I had a dog if he was so against them and he said he was hoping he would warm to her. Anyway I suppose I'm just venting as I don't think it's fair to show interest if your not actually interested
FitChick Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Why do you have to live with him? Always go to his place, never invite him to yours. That's a better arrangement overall.
Author Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I don't want to live with him, it's still early on and I'm not ready for that at all. I just don't see how it can work if eventually living together is totally ruled out. I don't like leaving my dog alone for long periods so it just makes sense to date around my house and stay at mine
HappyLove Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He sounds like a manipulative jerk! He dates you knowing you ALREADY have a dog. Then uses it against you. Breaks up with you over it then keeps calling you! He did you a favor. Find a man who doesn't toy with your emotions. 5
JungleLover Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Stop wondering about this guy and just push the eject button. He is inconsistent. What kind of man would let a common pet such as a dog or cat prevent the relationship from advancing because he is not an animal person. Well you obviously are so he can hit the road. I bet you he was betting on you to offer to get rid of the dog. Do that and you open yourself up to much controlling behavior. I recommend ignoring further contact. Not 60% but 100%. If you can't simply tell him flat out "you can't accept my dog, you can't accept me." Dogs are not just animals to those who love them. 4
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 As a dog owner if I were in your situation I would ask the guy to stop contacting me. If he doesn't see himself living with my dog then we have no future together. I won't be split between my beloved dog and man. When I meet someone one of the first thing I mention is being a dog owner and I ask how they feel about dogs. If I feel any resistance on their part I abort. I wouldn't be able being in the presence of a man knowing my dog aggravates him. I have an American Spaniel male, they are high energy dogs, you've got to love dogs to be around them otherwise they will drive you mad. 2
Author Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I think that's what's totally annoyed me, I always ask are you a dig person before even considering a date. She is a jack russell crossed with ? So needs a lot of walking and attention which I'm not prepared to sacrifice for any man. I have my own home and I know I'm pretty selfish when it comes to dating but a dog is a responsibility and you have to go home for them. I think the kindest thing to do in this situation is to end contact. I love my dog and couldn't be without her. Actually if I didn't want to date someone for a reason like that I probably wouldn't even admit that was the reason. There is no stronger bond than a dog and their owner. He's a jerk, I'm going to ignore him 3
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He seems like a confused guy that cant make his mind up. Make it easy for him 1
Elle1975 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 As a dog owner if I were in your situation I would ask the guy to stop contacting me. If he doesn't see himself living with my dog then we have no future together. I won't be split between my beloved dog and man. When I meet someone one of the first thing I mention is being a dog owner and I ask how they feel about dogs. If I feel any resistance on their part I abort. I wouldn't be able being in the presence of a man knowing my dog aggravates him. I have an American Spaniel male, they are high energy dogs, you've got to love dogs to be around them otherwise they will drive you mad. I agree 100%. I always mention that I have a dog (and a 14 y old cat). I would also push the "eject" button. No point in keeping him around.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 The dog was just a convenient way of taking this train off the track...so it doesn't progress down that relationship road because that's where your expectations are. This is his way of telling he wants to change that and slip into a FWB situation instead of a relationship, he already knew he was going to sabotage the relationship he was just waiting for a good time to instigate reversal...because if this guy really was into you he wouldn't let the dog keep him away. At any rate, you should just tell him to "f**k off", like literally, I know you're all confused and crap but this guy is messing with your head, he's not going to come out and say it, you're not going to catch him red handed in the act, but it's obvious what he's doing..and after six months, makes perfect sense to initiate this now...stir up a little fight, make it into a big deal, sabotage the relationship then play cat and mouse games from here on out..he's buying time, and then at some point he'll just be done with you and you'll still have your feelings wandering what just happened. Don't be stupid, this guys moves are transparent and obvious...do yourself a favor and walk or he's not going to respect you, and yes he will manipulate into a situation with words and you'll want to believe him...but he's lying to you, he knows exactly what he's up to, but don't expect him to admit it...that's the difficult part of convincing women, men are not ever stupid enough to admit what they're doing and confess and without that women remain unconvinced. 2
carhill Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 We agreed no hard feelings and that we would stay friends Both last week and this week he has asked what I'm up to at the weekend and he has said he would like to see me but knows its not fair Why keep on contact if you want it to end? It's not a very kind thing to do? Is he genuinely trying to be friends? Also he was with a previous girlfriend for a long time and they had a dog and he has said how upset he was when it ended and he didn't get to see the dog he had raised from a pup anymore. So he can't be not much of an animal person So I've been seeing a guy 6 months, all was going well until we had a little row which escalated. Anyway during the row he said he saw no future in us because I have a dog, he isn't an animal person and he can't see himself living with her. No hard feelings, friends stay in touch with friends. Sounds like you and he made an agreement and he was respectful of it, and the current situation, when expressing that he'd like to see you but 'knows it's unfair'. He is apparently no longer a person who gets attached to animals, especially someone else's animals, after a past painful experience. I'm unclear whether or not you were aware of this at the beginning of your relationship, meaning during the dating period but before you 'got serious'. If you wish no contact, simply request it and terminate contact means. That way he's disclosed and there's no ambiguity. It's still polite and friendly to ask a friend to 'give one some space'. Good luck!
Fondue Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I don't trust people who don't like or distrust animals. Especially dogs. Just don't trust those people. Hell, I go as far as to judge politicians on whether or not they have pets. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I took my dog on my 4th date with the man who is not my husband because I knew I could get a new guy if he did not like the dog. I don't mean to be heartless, but how old is the dog. If the dog is elderly & it it's realistic to expect the dog to pass before you would rationally get to a point in your relationship where living together is a meaningful option, perhaps you can give this a shot. Otherwise I think it was just an excuse on the guy's part.
Taramere Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 What kind of dog is she? Is she well behaved? I generally like dogs, but there are some breeds I can't tolerate very easily. Small dogs, for instance, are often yappy and seem to be allowed to get away with murder. Dachshunds seem to be a particular problem - even with owners who try very hard to socialise them. I could understand a badly behaved dog being a dealbreaker for your boyfriend. If, on the other hand, she's a well behaved and friendly dog who doesn't have a bad barking habit, then I'm with those who think he might just be using the dog as an excuse.
mammasita Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Tell him you never really liked men anyway so he should stop contacting you. 2
Author Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 My dog is 3 years old so is Definately part of mine and any potential partners future. She is a jack Russell, well trained, rarely barks and is a friendly dog. She is so popular with everyone that I can't believe he would use her as an excuse for a failure in our relationship. The night before we broke up the weather was good so we took her to the nearest beer garden. The dog loved it and everyone came and made a fuss of her and played with her. Some dogs are a bit of a nightmare to live with but this one most Definately isn't. It has to be an excuse and a poor one at that. There is no way I can meet him again. Maybe he is after fwb but I thought I deserved a bit more respect than that. Up until 2 weeks ago he never mentioned her being an issue other than it being a tie which makes holidays difficult but I am so lucky that my mum adores her and has looked after her for me any time I've had to go away. He is 27 do maybe its more to do with not wanting commitment but it's still a poor show
MalachiX Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I understand the OP's frustration but let me offer a different perspective. I'm currently in a somewhat similar situation with my GF (though, in our case, she got a dog while we were dating rather than prior): It can be hard when dating someone to realize that you are going to be 2nd on their priorities list. It makes it hard to see a future with them. One may be willing to start dating someone who has a pet to see where it goes but it becomes hard when you start falling for someone only to realize that you're still not the most important thing in their life. As the OP mentioned, there's an inherent difficulty when dating someone with a pet that needs a lot of attention. As she said, one always has to sleep at the other person's house, adjust one's schedule to when their dog needs to be walked, and plan ahead for the pet's needs. She makes sacrifices for her dog but she gets the love, affections, and companionship out of it. Her BF will end up having to make sacrifices as well but he doesn't get anything back. I love dogs to death and I think the one my GF rescued is wonderful; but he makes it so that she can't be there for me the same way I am for her and that's difficult. I think the OP should perhaps re-read some of what she wrote and consider how this may make her BF feel: So needs a lot of walking and attention which I'm not prepared to sacrifice for any man. I have my own home and I know I'm pretty selfish when it comes to dating but a dog is a responsibility and you have to go home for them. I think the kindest thing to do in this situation is to end contact. I love my dog and couldn't be without her. Actually if I didn't want to date someone for a reason like that I probably wouldn't even admit that was the reason. There is no stronger bond than a dog and their owner. Basically, you know you have to withhold things from him in order to be there for your dog and he has to know that your dog is always going to mean more to you than he will. That's fine, but it kinda sucks to be that guy. One can put up with it for a while but it is hard to see a future with such a situation in place. I think the problem is not that he feels the way he does (which he's entitled to), or that you care so much about your dog (which you're entitled to). I think the problem is that neither of you seem willing to figure out a way in which the relationship could work. His issue was offering this as a problem with out a solution. He didn't say, "hey, I care about you and want a future with you but it's hard for me to see one because of the situation with your dog; any idea if we can make this work?" In contrast, when he made his problem known, it doesn't seem like you offered any solutions either (or even an awknowlagement that the situation puts him at a disadvantage). If the relationship had been important to you, you could have offered, "well, I realize this is an inconvenience but maybe we can figure a way to work it out." It's sounds like both of you are unwilling to sacrifice or compromise. Were I in your position, and I've owned dogs in the past who I love dearly, I would offer some possible options. I would suggest, "hey, I'm willing to compromise if this gets more serious. If we decide we're close enough to move in together, perhaps we can find a place with a back yard so the dog isn't in our bedroom and every section of the house. I'll also save up to put him/her in the kennel when we go on vacations." If I were in his position (which I somewhat am in the moment), I would say (have said) not focused on the dog itself so much as the challenges in the relationship it creates. I'd ask if you knew how to overcome those challenges and see if there is a middle ground. My GF had two cats when I started dating her and I'm not a cat person. We talked however and agreed that, should we move in together, the cats would not be allowed in the bedroom at night and their little would be confined to another section of the apartment. I'd do my best to love them (which I already have and do); and she'd do her best to help me feel comfortable in her (one day our) home. The dog has sadly created a new set of challenges but I'm trying to be hopeful that there's a solution and give her a chance to figure out how this can work (I feel that you owe it to someone you've been with for 4-6 months to give them a chance to fix things). Now, if he's just decided that he can NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIVE WITH A DOG that you had when you started dating, then I think that this won't work and you both should move on.
Gaeta Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I understand the OP's frustration but let me offer a different perspective. I'm currently in a somewhat similar situation with my GF (though, in our case, she got a dog while we were dating rather than prior):......... Yes owning a dog comes with inconveniences but as well as dating a single parent or someone on changing schedule or someone that doesn't drive. You work your way around it when you feel the relationship and the person is worth it. I don't know who expects to be number 1 in anyone's list. People have pets, children, family and jobs. I don't expect a boyfriend of 6 months to make me his number 1 on that list.
ktya Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 So I've been seeing a guy 6 months, all was going well until we had a little row which escalated. Anyway during the row he said he saw no future in us because I have a dog, he isn't an animal person and he can't see himself living with her. I said fair enough and thought it was over. We agreed no hard feelings and that we would stay friends. Now I feel a bit stuck, he is keeping contact I'm trying to cool it off and am not responding to about 60% of contact. I really do like him and I thought it was going somewhere. Last weekend I kept myself busy and have plans to stay busy this coming weekend. Both last week and this week he has asked what I'm up to at the weekend and he has said he would like to see me but knows its not fair. Why keep on contact if you want it to end? It's not a very kind thing to do? Is he genuinely trying to be friends? I'd really like to ask him why he is still maintaining this contact but i don't know. I am friends with both my exes but only to say happy birthday or the occasional how are you. This seems like he is deliberately trying to mess me around. Also he was with a previous girlfriend for a long time and they had a dog and he has said how upset he was when it ended and he didn't get to see the dog he had raised from a pup anymore. So he can't be not much of an animal person. I did say during the row I was annoyed he had started a relationship with me knowing I had a dog if he was so against them and he said he was hoping he would warm to her. Anyway I suppose I'm just venting as I don't think it's fair to show interest if your not actually interested Some people dont like dogs. It will pass. Im a cat person and while i dont hate on dogs, they dont really turn my crank i see all the walking and pissing and sniffing a pain in the ass. Just dont talk about moving in together, ever, unless the dog dies or you adopt it out. Im a pet owner myself so i know if some started insulting my animals id probably explode.
preraph Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Well, he's really being immature about this dog thing if the reason he won't do it is because he couldn't have the last one after the breakup. OMG. I do wonder if that's not really it and maybe he just doesn't like animals very much and that's his pretty little lie to justify it. I have a couple of friends who don't care for animals and I like them, but I would never ever trust them around my pets when I'm not there, so....and I'd never abandon a pet to please a man because that dog is probably going to end up being the loyaler more loving between the two. I'd tell him to move on. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 agreed... it seems it was a test to see if you would accept controlling behaviour. Stop wondering about this guy and just push the eject button. He is inconsistent. What kind of man would let a common pet such as a dog or cat prevent the relationship from advancing because he is not an animal person. Well you obviously are so he can hit the road. I bet you he was betting on you to offer to get rid of the dog. Do that and you open yourself up to much controlling behavior. I recommend ignoring further contact. Not 60% but 100%. If you can't simply tell him flat out "you can't accept my dog, you can't accept me." Dogs are not just animals to those who love them. 1
HappyLove Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He's manipulative. He's that type to lead a woman on who wants kids then marries her and changes his mind. It only gets worse with someone like this. How could you ever trust anything he says? Where does it end?
FitChick Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It's like dating a smoker and then dumping them for smoking.
MalachiX Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Yes owning a dog comes with inconveniences but as well as dating a single parent or someone on changing schedule or someone that doesn't drive. You work your way around it when you feel the relationship and the person is worth it. I don't disagree with that. Like I said, (assuming this really was about the dog), I think the problem is that neither person offered any desire of a willingness to "work their way around it." Neither expressed a desire for compromise. I don't know who expects to be number 1 in anyone's list. People have pets, children, family and jobs. I don't expect a boyfriend of 6 months to make me his number 1 on that list. No doubt but I think there's a difference between not being number 1 and NEVER being higher than a dog. Children, I think, are different because the very definition (to me) of a good parent is someone who always puts the needs of their child first. A pet, as much as I love them, is not quite the same thing. I would die for a child of mine without a second thought just as I hope I'd be willing to die for my spouse (or my siblings). I wouldn't be so quick to do the same thing for a pet. I realize this is an extreme example but I think it somewhat gets the heart of things. At some point spouse needs to take a higher priority in one's life than one's pet. By the same token, one's child needs to one day take a higher priority than one's spouse. This is the nature of loving people (at least as far as I understand it). I think that perhaps the OP may avoid a similar issue in the future if she is willing to compromise on her pet in some capacity if the relationship becomes more serious. I don't have to be the highest priority in someone's life as soon as we start dating. I just think that, after 6 months, I'd be high enough as to warrant some compromise.
Author Daisydance Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 I see the point about it not being very nice coming second priority to a dog. However, she does sleep in her bed downstairs out of respect for his place I don't take her round his and it's a commitment I made long before I met him. I wonder if this would be a sign to come like had been said going along with a relationship with someone who wants marriage and kids and then dropping the bomb much later no that's not what I want. Also at some point what if you did start a family and this guy couldn't cope with not being number one then. I suppose the kind of guy I want is the kind who wants to accept my dog as his own and not want to compete 1
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