Tempted to reach out

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

And reply to this

 

"[My name],I need to know if u r ok now. I hurt u I know and its in my mind all the time destroying me and I can't live with that. I know I deserve it, but u dont. That's why I'm just asking u now and I hope u will answer to me. How is ur life now, how r u? I'm still trying to get out all of this of myself but I just cant. I'm feeling bad. I also wanna know the name of ur church again. I need it cuz I decided to change. Please don't ignore this."

 

I was LDR with her and she left me for another LDR guy. They were able to meet for 2 or 3 days. She replied to my message while she was away. It was just a short explanation on why I can't be her friend or give her my love while she was with him. When she replied she said she was sure about this and her choice and that she loved him. Now, two weeks later, she sends me that. Caught in a pickle since I still love her and maybe want her back but I just don't want to mess my NC healing or a slim chance of reconciliation, as absurd as this sounds.

[Always Pondering]

Why bother responding? At least she admits she feels guilty of her actions of leaving you for another man. She left you for someone else and even said she loved him. If she wants to start going to church, it's not as if she has to go to your church.

 

You are not entitled to tell her how you are doing, especially after what she has done to you. She made this decision to leave you for someone else so that's something that she has to live with.

 

Ask yourself if you actually want to get back together with someone who abandoned you.

[sooshi]

Agree with AP completely.

 

She left you to be with someone else and feels bad for it, as she should. This isn't worth responding to. Don't let her walk all over you. She wants to make sure you're okay for her own sake and she'll leave you again once she knows you've forgiven her.

[d0nnivain]

NC is all about healing.

 

 

Reconciliation is about communication. Her reaching out for you now is about absolution & forgiveness. She doesn't want you back she just wants to be forgiven for hurting you. She only cares about the fact that she currently feels bad.

 

 

If you reach out at all now, it will be a set back because her message doesn't mean what you want it to mean.

 

 

If you can't resist the temptation to respond, say something along the lines of: You are right. You hurt me. I'm working toward forgiveness but I'm not there yet. It may come once I am able to forget but that will never happen if you continue to contact me. Please leave me alone.

[me85]

We're in the same boat, dude.

 

I did exactly what you did. Told my ex I couldn't be "friends" or remain in contact with him and that he made his decision to leave me for someone else...blah blah blah.

 

He never responded to that email. It's now 8 days later and I'm obsessivly checking my email round the clock hoping for something. I don't know where these feelings are coming from all of the sudden but it sucks. I thought I was basically over him.

 

If I were you, I would take a few days to decide whether I want to respond or not. If I chose to do so, I'd need a few days to think of what to say because it isn't everyday, typical, small talk, BS conversation you're having.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Why bother responding? At least she admits she feels guilty of her actions of leaving you for another man. She left you for someone else and even said she loved him. If she wants to start going to church, it's not as if she has to go to your church.

I actually do want her to feel guilty. For the time I knew her I found out she has a hard time dealing with guilt. I should let her guilt consume her. And about church...it actually does have to be my church. It's a long story that I can't type now but all I can say is that she is not religious at all. Maybe an agnostic. I only asked her to go once. She doesn't have to stay. It's just so she sees how it is

 

You are not entitled to tell her how you are doing, especially after what she has done to you. She made this decision to leave you for someone else so that's something that she has to live with.

And you are right. And I'm leaning more now towards not replying. But the reason I thought about it was because she sent a similar message 3 weeks ago. If I had responded to that message there was the possibility of her not traveling there on impulse as she told me that she's just tired of that situation and wanted to end it. And yes, she did leave and when she came back she was completely changed. But yea, I will leave her with the doubt and guilt. I think its better that way.

 

Ask yourself if you actually want to get back together with someone who abandoned you.

 

Like I said, it's absurd. At first she was confused between 2 guys and she ended up chosing me over him. I initiated the fights about this guy because she still had him on fb and on phone until one day we fought so bad that she broke up. She begged next morning to forgive her and to be with her but I took a stand (or a gamble). Either he's blocked completely or I'm not getting back with you. This went on for a week until she became "confused" again and we went back to this whole "confusion-let me chose who I want." She took that choice of traveling there and in her words, "it was spontaneous.". Since then, I've been healing and I still am in the process. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't care or need her anymore. But it's just so hard to let go of so much we planned and all I did for her, specially when she left me for someone else and it should have been me. And also because if I had been better when we first met then we would have been in this situation.

 

 

But yes, no contact. At least until she sends a clear "I regret it and I want you back" or something similar to that

[Frank13]

Do not reply!!!

 

Her entire email was about her and relieving her guilt. Once you tell her you are OK, she will feel a weight lifted off her and will go on with her life guilt free and forget about you.

 

She hurts you but then tells you not to ignore her request for guilt relief? Ignore her or answer and it will be the final thing to set her free from you.

[VanessaVanessa]

NC is all about healing.

 

 

If you reach out at all now, it will be a set back because her message doesn't mean what you want it to mean.

 

 

If you can't resist the temptation to respond, say something along the lines of: You are right. You hurt me. I'm working toward forgiveness but I'm not there yet. It may come once I am able to forget but that will never happen if you continue to contact me. Please leave me alone.

 

 

Agree with this.

 

And OP from what you wrote, she seems like she is going to be confused about things for a long time. She seemed so unsure of what she wanted even after you tried to give her a chance to make it work. It will probably be that way for a while. Just try to hold back from replying as much as possible.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Agree with this.

 

And OP from what you wrote, she seems like she is going to be confused about things for a long time. She seemed so unsure of what she wanted even after you tried to give her a chance to make it work. It will probably be that way for a while. Just try to hold back from replying as much as possible.

 

 

Idk...she might be confused. Since that message I've been obsessing about her fb, viber, and whatsapp. She hasn't posted aaaaanything on fb since they met. She hasn't talked on viber with him since the 23 of June and her hours on whatsapp are erratic. She took off her profile picture from whatsapp and left it blank and she only did this one time before...it was when we fought and I refused to take her back. And the reason I know all this is because I checked it on another phone since my phone is broken at the moment. I knoooooow I shouldn't be stalking but her message just sparked my curiosity. But no replying...I know that. In the mean time, I have many things to take care of. Many that she knows about and many that she doesn't.

 

I just don't know why she has to be so unsure of what she wants. She chose me the first time. We had a great time. I gave her the best of me until I just had enough of that other guy trying to break my relationship. Maybe I should have been smarter in handling things the right way. But one thing is certain...I will not go through that again for a third time.

 

Thank you for all this. I will not deal with her guilt.

[AnyaNova]

Why bother responding? At least she admits she feels guilty of her actions of leaving you for another man. She left you for someone else and even said she loved him. If she wants to start going to church, it's not as if she has to go to your church.

 

You are not entitled to tell her how you are doing, especially after what she has done to you. She made this decision to leave you for someone else so that's something that she has to live with.

 

Ask yourself if you actually want to get back together with someone who abandoned you.

 

Amen to that!

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Hey guys, I got on Skype today and I made the mistake of changing my status from invisible to online and this **** happened

 

 

her: [my name]

[6:38:37 p. m.] her: could u read my message on fb?

[6:41:07 p. m.] me: what do you want

[6:41:28 p. m.] her: i want to get any sign that you are alive and good

[6:41:38 p. m.] her: please dont be rude

[6:41:42 p. m.] her: r u ok?

[6:43:31 p. m.] me: what do you want

[6:44:12 p. m.] her: i just said what do i want

[6:44:16 p. m.] her: whats happening with u?

 

 

Did I engage right?

[Jono85]

Hey guys, I got on Skype today and I made the mistake of changing my status from invisible to online and this **** happened

 

 

her: [my name]

[6:38:37 p. m.] her: could u read my message on fb?

[6:41:07 p. m.] me: what do you want

[6:41:28 p. m.] her: i want to get any sign that you are alive and good

[6:41:38 p. m.] her: please dont be rude

[6:41:42 p. m.] her: r u ok?

[6:43:31 p. m.] me: what do you want

[6:44:12 p. m.] her: i just said what do i want

[6:44:16 p. m.] her: whats happening with u?

 

 

Did I engage right?

 

here's my take...it seems to run counter to what everyone else is saying.

 

understand this is only MY take and my opinions if I were in your shoes (which I have been and what brought me here years ago...exact same situation).

 

This stuff about relieving her guilt and don't respond to her because that's all you'd be doing and letting her off the hook, etc etc. Who cares?? The facts remain the way they are; that is, this girl isn't the girl you thought or hoped she was. That's it. If I were in your shoes, as angry as I'd be with her and disappointed and sad, I don't need to play games and ignore her last request, even if it's all about her. Because at the end of the day, whether she feels better about things, or doesn't, doesn't really change what happened.

 

So I'd say something like "Look, of course I'm hurt. It is what it is. But in order to heal from this I need you to leave me alone. Thanks"

 

or something along those lines, in your own way. playing a game to ignore her if you're trying to make her come back to you, is NOT a good idea. that's manipulative. even if she comes back, it will only be out of GUILT. don't do that, trust me. I've also been there, it does NOT last.

 

Set her free. As hard as it is to do, tell her you'll be fine, but you'd appreciate space to heal. Start coming to grips with what has happened, and dealing with it, instead of plotting ways to make her come running back.

 

Just my 0.02.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I realized today I don't want her back. I was cold, yes, but I was no where near rude or a jerk and she accused me of that while being rude with me. Here's the rest

 

 

Her: ok i see whats happening...and im so sorry for that u dont know how much

[04/07/2014 6:49:24 p. m.] Melisa: please read my message on fb and try to understand i was honest and answer when u can

[04/07/2014 6:49:32 p. m.] Melisa: i hope ull be fine

[04/07/2014 6:50:03 p. m.] Алехандро: you have the addresses for viena and bern

[04/07/2014 6:50:40 p. m.] Melisa: no i need the name of church

[04/07/2014 6:50:51 p. m.] Melisa: i dont need adress there

[04/07/2014 6:51:30 p. m.] Алехандро: you don't need name when you have address. You will see the name when you get there

[04/07/2014 6:51:41 p. m.] Melisa: i will not get there

[04/07/2014 6:51:46 p. m.] Melisa: but i tried to find on the internet

[04/07/2014 6:51:48 p. m.] Melisa: and

[04/07/2014 6:51:53 p. m.] Melisa: on that adress there is no that church

[04/07/2014 6:51:56 p. m.] Melisa: i dont know

[04/07/2014 6:51:59 p. m.] Melisa: why cant u tell me the name

[04/07/2014 6:52:26 p. m.] Алехандро: because you will not learn anything from listening to something in a language you don't know

[04/07/2014 6:52:52 p. m.] Алехандро: [website of church]

 

[04/07/2014 6:53:17 p. m.] Melisa: ok thank u

[04/07/2014 6:53:21 p. m.] Melisa: but tell me please

[04/07/2014 6:53:25 p. m.] Melisa: how r u now

[04/07/2014 6:53:39 p. m.] Melisa: i understand u r rude with me cold u hate me

[04/07/2014 6:53:45 p. m.] Melisa: but i hope u r better

[04/07/2014 6:53:48 p. m.] Melisa: i really do

[04/07/2014 6:55:00 p. m.] Melisa: just talk to me

[04/07/2014 6:55:03 p. m.] Melisa: just respond

[04/07/2014 6:55:07 p. m.] Melisa: i know u r here

[04/07/2014 6:55:17 p. m.] Melisa: and i know u r looking at it now

[04/07/2014 6:55:19 p. m.] Melisa: just write

[04/07/2014 6:55:22 p. m.] Melisa: one word

[04/07/2014 6:56:02 p. m.] Melisa: did u seriously delte me

[04/07/2014 6:56:11 p. m.] Melisa: r u playing ****ing child again with me like with ur ex!!!

[04/07/2014 6:56:53 p. m.] Melisa: i cant believe i really cant

[04/07/2014 6:57:49 p. m.] Melisa: and u ****ing blocked me

[04/07/2014 6:59:16 p. m.] *** Missed call from Melisa. ***

 

 

If any mods want to edit the names then please go ahead and do it. For some reason internet explorer doesn't have the "find and replace" feature and I'm too lazy to do it by hand.

 

Last thing I sent was the website and I turned off computer because I went out to see the fireworks. I didn't expect her to act like this. I took the step to block her from fb and I feel like tomorrow is going to be a battle. I will probably have to block her too in addition to deleting her from Skype.

 

 

Emotion wise-Now I feel guilty because I'm doing this. I honestly still have some love for her and I haven't healed yet but I honestly can't stand talking with her specially with the way she did it tonight. I can't see myself being her friend and I honestly can't see myself being her boyfriend again. It's right what people say about NC. We need it to heal and move on so we can have a new relationship with someone else or with the same person.

 

I will take into consideration your approach Jono85. Thank you.

 

Also, my team, Colombia, lost. And they lost very unfairly. I'm gonna need some time to recover from all of today

[Jono85]

I hope you do. Right now you are just enjoying the attention and kind of playing games. No doubt this is all about her and relieving her guilt but the sooner you can end this and start healing, the better.

 

There's no loss of power by being mature and just telling her you'll be fine, but its best you guys don't talk. If she continues hounding you AFTER you've kindly asked for space, then by all means she isn't respecting you and ignore her flat out.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Well I guess my emotions got the best of me. We talked more than that. She tried to get me to open up and talk but I told her I didn't want it. I told her shes with him and sometimes I feel like she did this on purpose to hurt me. I ended up telling her I love her so bad mistake. I only told her what happened in my life before she left me for him. She told me some of her life. Apparently everything is bad. She was in the hospital and she had some problems with bf but she didn't want to tell me. Yes, she was unsure of many things and she was even guilty to. I guess I relieved some of that guilt because she wanted to know if I was alive.

 

 

Long story short to end this thread. Just stay NC. I want a better person in my life but I can't find her until I have completely moved on. If I had ignored I'm sure I wouldn't have taken 2 steps back. Or more like 5

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

She wants to make sure you're okay for her own sake and she'll leave you again once she knows you've forgiven her.

 

 

Kept in contact for 2 weeks. One night she texted me at her 5am and she said she was crying and depressed. We talked and she even said she wished for something good to happen in love.

 

Wtf mode turned on. Of course I didn't tell her that but I just tried to make her feel better. She didn't text me the next day. I tried to talk to her later and she just kept rejecting me saying she couldn't do that to him (talk to me) It got to the point where she said if "he had some girl like she has me, she wouldn't take it," and I wasn't at all begging her to be back with me, just trying to talk as friends. I ended up blocking her everywhere and deleted her on Skype. She actually posted on Skype that we need to crawl alone through shadows to find out appreciate what is behind the sun and then uploaded that same picture of them.

 

How can people be like this? Does she not appreciate the fact I forgave her and took her back for getting wasted as fack and "kissing" some other guy while all her friends deserted her. And even stayed with her when I found out she kept in contact with that guy through fb and Skype?

 

Seriously, this is why you don't break NC. When I blocked her I felt like that same day she left me. Of course I'm a little better but I would have made so much progress if I didn't answer.

 

 

Just a couple questions: Is it right that I blocked her from everywhere?

 

and this:

Anyway, now I'm sitting here wondering if I even did the right thing. I pressure her always to get rid of him, delete him, block him. I even forgave her for getting drunk at the club and kissing some stranger, while keeping in contact with both. Was it right? I will admit she made me doubt. She told me I shouldn't do that...don't put pressure on her. I always wanted her for me and me ONLY. Idk why she couldn't understand it or maybe even didn't want to understand it.

 

Did I do the right thing when I took a stand and told her that I'm not getting back with her until he's gone?

 

She stopped begging me to get back with her so I asked her why and she said she was "confused." Fack, guys. I don't need closure from her I need to know I did the right thing. After all the love, loyalty, and support I gave her I'm left with the disappointment that maybe I didn't do enough or I did the wrong thing

 

 

I need clarification. She always ****ing blamed it on me and said I shouldn't tell her to delete him

[Frank13]

Your have been told over and over to ignore her. You didn't listen. You even posted that you should have remained NC. You finally blocked and deleted her, as you should, but are now second guessing yourself and asking if it was the right thing.

 

I only have one question for you. How does it feel to be her doormat that she wipes her feet on?

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Not very good. I feel worthless to be honest. But I did keep NC...for one measly month until I cracked when I got her message. I've been NC for about 2 weeks now. And what you guys told me happened. I should have listened. Now she's guilt free...yay. I guess now it's a matter of time before she decides to send another breadcrumb. And by that time I will make sure I am stronger.

 

But with my quote, I asked that some months ago pertaining to our relationship. Friends tell me I was right because I was trying to protect our relationship but she said I was wrong and jealous and possessive. How can I be jealous and possessive when I KNEW for a fact he was trying to break us apart?

 

I feel like a worthless doormat. I just wish she would have seen what a bad choice she made, specially when she told me that he's tired of her because of [whatever]. And I feel pathetic because I want someone who did so many bad things to me...even lowering my self-esteem.

 

Any advice besides NC? I promise I will follow it.

[Always Pondering]

Just a couple questions: Is it right that I blocked her from everywhere?

 

Yes. You'll follow further through with NC by not allowing her to have a means of contacting you. I highly doubt that years down the road, you're going to "want to be friends again" or whatever so blocking her in every way is not going to hurt you in the slightest bit. In fact, it'll help you if anything.

 

Be glad if she never sends you another breadcrumb again. Advice? Start using all this energy to focus on your life again and soon enough you'll find your next partner once you're ready. You may want her now but you certainly don't need her and with time, you'll find someone else.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

You may want her now but you certainly don't need her and with time, you'll find someone else better

 

 

That's the spirit, right?!

 

This time has certainly helped me see so many bad things that I put up with. How did I give so much but tolerated such...mierda. But you are right, only with time will I stop wanting her back.

 

But please, I need help help with my quote. It's still killing me. I want to know if it was the right thing. I followed my gut because I've known it for months and had a remote idea she had him as a back up. But I need to know if I did the right thing because I don't want to do the same thing in the next relationship if it was not right of me to do that. Thanks anyway

[music_and_poetry]

Your have been told over and over to ignore her. You didn't listen. You even posted that you should have remained NC. You finally blocked and deleted her, as you should, but are now second guessing yourself and asking if it was the right thing.

 

I only have one question for you. How does it feel to be her doormat that she wipes her feet on?

 

Ouch. Way to kick someone when they're down.

 

Don't worry OP you're not the first person to break NC and you won't be the last you've learned something and now you get to move forward wiser. There's your silver lining! You're going to become stronger and in a few years you'll look back on this and laugh. Happy healing, I wish you the absolute best going forward into your new, improved single life

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Nah man it's ok. I needed that. Sometimes we all need that slap in the face to wake us up. My emotions got the best of me, I thought I could handle it, and I got hurt. Should have kept NC and let her guilt eat her.

 

Tough love: it sometimes is needed. I just wish someone would answer my questions regarding my quote

[Justaguy30]

Agree with AP completely.

 

She left you to be with someone else and feels bad for it, as she should. This isn't worth responding to. Don't let her walk all over you. She wants to make sure you're okay for her own sake and she'll leave you again once she knows you've forgiven her.

 

This is the truth, she just wants to know if you are alright. Its not that she wants you back she just wants to make herself feel better. Don't give her the time of day. Once someone leaves you for someone else they don't respect you and will do it again when the chance arises. Its like quieting a job, maybe you feel bad for finding another job but you left because you didn't like it anymore even if the money was good and you liked your co workers something was good enough else where to make you leave. Sometimes people come back after a breakup but you will always be on the defensive side of this. If you want to be a real ******* message her back and tell her how happy you are without her and you made a huge mistake dating her in the first place haha

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I need some serious help. I am now doing mental gymnastics and it isn't my fault at all. I went to the beach with my family and we were all having a good time. I myself was trying to just take my mind off everything, specially her, since we would be texting if we were still together. Anyway, we get to the hotel, I unpack, take a shower, and when I come out, I see my phone ring. I didn't get to check and see how it was because my phone died right there and then because I had used it all day without charging it. Anyway, I wondered who was calling me at 12:24am...I certainly couldn't be her. Well the next day I checked and it was her. Idk how many more times she called but if anybody has been reading, this was an LDR situation and my 12:24am is her 6:24am.

 

I swear and promise on my life to all the members that I have blocked her from whatsapp, viber, and fb. The only way she can call me is to click on viber-out which is an option where u pay credits to call numbers without viber. I thought it was an accidental dial but later I re-added her to my contacts and I saw she blocked me from whatsapp. Idk why she did that. That's something new and she has never done it before. Maybe she's pissed I ignored her even if I actually didn't. But then again, I would have ignored her if I knew that it was her, calling.

 

Now I'm doing mental gymnastics and I can't move on. It's not even my fault. Idk how to block numbers like that. I don't want to change my number because of her. It's been a day since she called me and I haven't answered her back. She most likely wants to ease her guilt again but I'm not gonna carry her weight. Why can't I just let go of this and stop thinking that things can actually be different?

 

How can I prevent her from calling me? I will only consider returning her messages or calls if she decides to contact me from another number.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Bumpin in My Trunk