Just need a bit of support... Reached a low point... can't get up for air.

[startingover1028]

Well, it had been 5 weeks into NC when I broke down and e-mailed him. It was a "fishing" e-mail, not asking how he was or anything... just a simple question about something I pretended I needed to know. He responded.... briefly and to the point. I replied back, hoping he would write again but.... nothing.

 

Now I am shattered, sad... feeling empty, rejected and stupid. How could I have done this and set myself up for such an emotional let-down?

 

I knew better, but I broke my own promise to myself. I seemed overwhelmed with memories and emotions at the time and talked myself into thinking that maybe... just maybe... he might feel the same. I was wrong and now I feel as if I've opened a big nasty wound... and poured salt into it. It hurts.

 

There is such an emptiness where he use to be... such a void and lack of completeness. I thought that by now, I would be well on my way to closure and could put it behind me. I feel stuck in a place where I don't want to be and I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to move past it. After this length of time, I still wake up with him in my thoughts. I can't get through the day without thinking of him. I want to scream some days... I feel smothered and gasping for fresh thoughts. I want the constant loop of memories to stop. I want to get off this treadmill.

 

I am a mature, intelligent woman. This emotional instability has made me feel so out of control and so "wrong". I feel wrong for wanting him. I feel wrong for allowing myself to continue to reach backward for comfort and I feel wrong for what I can't seem to control. Mostly, I just feel stupid.

 

I can't help but wonder what this is all about? Why is it so hard for some people to get past these failed relationships?

 

I know that many of you can relate to these feelings. Most of you have been successful at moving on.

I suppose, I've just hit a very big bump in my road to recovery! I have to believe that I will overcome this. It's just getting through each day, up to that point, that's the hard part.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Owl]

Hey friend. Quick question...have you ever been on a diet??

 

I know, doesn't make sense. But wait, there's more (in his best TV salesman voice)...

 

Ever spotted a nice slice of chocolate (anything!) and screamed to yourself, "TO HECK WITH DIET, I"M IN THERE!!!" and chomped it down? If you haven't, you must be WonderWoman!!

 

But, here's the real kicker...when you do that, do you just give up on the diet, saying "Awww, it never would have worked anyway!", or do you say "Woops, guess I'd better hit the gym TONITE instead of tomorrow!"?

 

You made a mistake, and sent a "fishing" email. Luckily for you, he didn't bite. Didn't even nibble, which in truth is a GOOD thing! Here's the perspective that I hope you can find...

 

You're not TRAPPED in anything now. You were when the affair was ongoing...you didn't have any real choices in what you were going to do in your relationship with him. NOW...you've got ALL the options. You did a great thing by walking away when you did...now you just gotta find something ahead of you to look at, so that you don't keep looking back.

 

What are the OTHER things in your life? Start investing that emotion and time into them, instead of him. You're stronger than you know...stronger than you feel at the moment. Now start working on using that strength to get something ELSE that you want, instead of him.

 

Good luck friend!

[debs]

Starting over!!!

It does get easier and no contact in situations like this is warranted.

 

You cannot make someone love you if they chose to go their own way no matter how hard you try!

 

I will be more than happy to befriend you and help you over come this just let me know!

 

My road for the last year was awful and I would not wish this on any human being!

 

I closed the door permentantly with my ExH! He is remarried to the OW and i do wish him all the happiness in the world! I am the wrong person for him as he is the wrong person for me!

 

Yes I can remember those deep dark moods hitting but I always said it is PMS acknowledge it and let it go!

[curly]

Owl is right. So you slipped. It's humiliating that he did not respond the way you hoped. But you don't have to continue to contact him. Just walk away. You did it before.

 

Wasn't it so difficult 5 weeks ago? Yes, you've had some contact, but it was not physical, you did not see him. Keep your distance. You were strong enough to go through the agony for 5 weeks. Right? You can keep on.

 

Unfortunately, memories never go away. You will probably always have a soft spot for someone that doesn't really deserve your sentimentality. But it exists anyway. But keep your pride and don't ever let him know that. He's obviously moved on. He hasn't contacted you during the 5 weeks. It's time to accept the facts, he's not in your life. Better yet, you're not in his. Who knows what his life is like...

 

But, usually if a MM has looked outside his marriage for comfort, he's probably not too open to his W for comfort now. Yes, generalization and totally depends on every situation, but that's what I'm telling myself. I'm almost 3 weeks into NC and will take some inspriation from you. It's not easy. Don't expect to feel better soon. By emailing you've taken some steps backwards. But not all the way. Don't beat yourself up. Just get back on your feet and keep walking towards a better future in which someone will go out of his way to make you happy.

 

Good luck & no more emails!!

[SummerRae]

must say, that I'm totally amazed at how compassionate these LS posts have been since I took my hyatus... I wish I had read some of the same words when I was going through the withdrawal... but then again, sometimes, we what we want isn't what we need and perhaps what I needed was a swift kick in the rear (and I digress, sorry)...

 

Hun, you have done what I did so many times. I would swear off ALL contact but then I wouldn't block his emails "just in case", lol, sorry but it's funny now.

 

I think that over time, things will get easier. You have done so well, five weeks girl! Better than some people do, some people can't even let go for a day! It truly can be an addiction. You could also look at it that he did you a favour. You are meant for something more. Something bigger. A love that is TRUE. Not some schmuck that isn't sure enough to make you his number #1. He may have loved you, but it wasn't ENOUGH. Keep feeding YOU. Look out for what YOU need. Remember who YOU are.

 

You can do it girl! We're all here for you!!

[Leaf]

It seems to me you still need some closure with him. Send him the post you made. Send it to him with no expectations of a reply. You really expressed yourself well here and I think he needs to see this.

[StrawberryGirl]

Well, it had been 5 weeks into NC when I broke down and e-mailed him. It was a "fishing" e-mail, not asking how he was or anything... just a simple question about something I pretended I needed to know. He responded.... briefly and to the point. I replied back, hoping he would write again but.... nothing.

 

I've done the same thing.....only with IM... and I was able to go months though, not 5 weeks but....the thing is me and MM now have a baby together.....so now only is it ignoring me, but it is also coming and going on and off IM w/out asking about the baby..so sad...one time we had a brief conversation about the baby....i told him something about the baby thinking the conversation would still keep going but he had not responded.....then about 10 mins later with out responding still..he logged out of IM..I was so devastated....no goodbye or ttyl....I felt like a door slammed in my face...I recently asked him to remove me from his IM and I recently blocked him...IM's used to be our #1 form of communication while he was away in the military.. so there used to be alot of Iove you's and I miss you's...now it's just coldness on there....dont know what to say or do..nothing to do or say i guess..They've moved on or back i shall say...with their wives.....

[newby]

It seems to me you still need some closure with him. Send him the post you made. Send it to him with no expectations of a reply. You really expressed yourself well here and I think he needs to see this.

 

QUOTE

 

aah sorry really DISAGREE because S.O already feels bad about just making contact

 

do you know what i think?

what i think is the best way of looking at it and what i think happens is sometimes you get to a point where you start to forget, you know that at the moment you are lonely, you begin to forget the way you were treated and you begin to wonder whether you were mistaken in your choice to end things, the SUBCONCIOUS says well okay lets REMIND you why you are doing this which is exactly what has happened. each time you break something you put it back together better, your resolve gets stronger. it is all part of the process that is all, its nothing to feel bad about, it is YOUR journey not his.

i am actually in the same space as you at the moment, i know my mm isnt missing me at all and it makes me feel like s*** but hey same thing, its why i decided i didnt want him in the first place, cos he didnt care about me, just wanted to see if he could have me i guess, its only a guess how the hell would i know, he didnt care about me tho thats for sure

[pacificdove]

[color=darkblue][/color]I know the feeling all too well... So sorry you are experiencing this. I don't have much information to go by, like how long you've been in the relationship with him, the situation leading up to the seperation. Sometimes the length of time and the cause of the 'seperation' can be a factor on how you feel. I am talking from experience too. Gradual process of seperation works for me. Each space between times, I think a lot about our cicurmstance, the issues why we can't be with each other etc.. then soon after, our meetings have been nothing but preparing ourselves to 'let go'.

 

Your feelings of desperate wanting, and the mutual feeling of anxiety associated with letting go wonders you to contact him because somehow you want to feel that indeed YOU meant something in his life and you want to receive some sort of confirmation of that. Contacting him was ok, but the manner you displayed was wrong. I too did what you did and naturally he replied back, simple, basic and right-to-the-point. I can't tell you the joy of just seeing an e-mail from him at the same time the 1000 heartbeats that I felt to click to open it. The nerve wrecking breakdown I almost felt wondering if the reply will be what I hoped, 'signs that he still cares[/i]. when I didn't, oh my gosh..... I thought it was the end of me. later at some point down the road, I was told that he too felt the need of small contact however was not sure if I would welcome it. The best is, without going into lengthy story, is, if you need to write and tell him how you feel, that is fine but be honest and don't do any 'fishing' information to find the underlying signs because that - you won't get. I don't know if YOU broke this off or if HE was the one, or was a mutual decision however, I feel while our dignity and pride is important, non is necessary with LOVE.

 

 

It is obvious that you need a decent closure in the manner YOU can handle. If so, then you might approach him, ( I would call rather then write, it's harder to say NO to a voice then written words) that you need to do this to ease the pain. It is ok to tell him how you feel and how wrong you feel he's been to you. I did and after almost 3 years now, he still contacts me to say how guilty he feels about the way he treated me. I am not completely over him yet but I am in much comfort to know that yes, he really did love and care about me and I wasn't just a toy for him.

 

 

I care about how you feel and what you go through. Please write again and let me know how it turns out.

[lynnered]

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.\ Maya Angelou

Please remember that your difficulties do not define you. They simply strengthen your ability to overcome.

 

good luck

[uberfrau]

so why didn't you get one? Probably like all the emotional doormat women around here, you thought it would make him stick around.

 

You are stuck with the kid from a married man. And you get to explain 'do i have a daddy?'

 

Poor kid. Stupid Mother. Go see an attorney for child support. Or is he an unemployed bum with 5 other kids?

[anon]

uberfrau i really hope that you are as perfect a person as you simply must be to judge everyone else so harshly, and why, why is it not poor kid stupid father. and also why does it have to be poor kid? because it doesnt have a "normal" perfect upbringing in a perfect situation like you must be bringing your kids up in. if anyone is unlucky enough to have married you.

[SummerRae]

anon, hahahaha, I totally agree!

 

uberfrau, I don't exactly think your feedback was the most compassionate, but then I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions. I only wish I could be so "righteous" in mine...

[startingover1028]

Thanks to everyone who replied offering support and encouragement. Owl.... you always offer the perfect words to lift me up. Pacificdove... You really hit the nail on the head when you talk about wanting to know that I really meant something to him. I wonder now, if I just wanted to believe that.

 

It always helps to read your posts.

I suppose it's just a matter of staying strong and reminding myself of how better off I am without all that drama in my life. I hope that one day I'll be able to look back on this experience and say I learned something and am a better person because of it.

 

Right now I'm just taking it one agonizing minute at a time....

[SummerRae]

Starting Over, that is exactly the kind of thing I thought about at first, did I mean something to him? That's the thing with something like this, it makes us question every feeling of theirs because of the trust being gone, I think that's why they say that relationships can't survive without trust.

 

I'm in this weird spot right now where, I feel like i'm recovering pretty well, but yet keep waiting for the pain to resume itself. Just in case, I don't want to tell myself I've healed. But I do believe it comes in waves.

 

Although recovery and healing is different for everyone, I think that the basic process is the same. We question. We cry. We reminisce. We doubt. We long. And slowly, with no contact I believe, we can really heal. I no longer think of him in the same way, and definitely NOT every couple of hours like I did before. I was a wreck a while ago, so if I've come this far, trust me, we can all get through the agony!

 

I wish you the BEST Starting Over, you can PM me anytime you like! It helps to just get it out! Keep strong, things will get easier.

[Shiraz]

Originally posted by startingover1028

Well, it had been 5 weeks into NC when I broke down and e-mailed him. It was a "fishing" e-mail, not asking how he was or anything... just a simple question about something I pretended I needed to know. He responded.... briefly and to the point. I replied back, hoping he would write again but.... nothing.

 

Wish I could give you a huge hug! It does suck. But it's normal! Why we set ourselves up to get hurt? Who knows... Hang in there. Time heels! Talk about it all you want here..... It's a huge help to let it out.

 

I'm with you girlfriend!

[Shiraz]

Originally posted by uberfrau

so why didn't you get one? Probably like all the emotional doormat women around here, you thought it would make him stick around.

 

You are stuck with the kid from a married man. And you get to explain 'do i have a daddy?'

 

Poor kid. Stupid Mother. Go see an attorney for child support. Or is he an unemployed bum with 5 other kids?

Man this was shallow! What ever happened to, if you can't say something nice, say nothing.

You don't think people posting here are feeling beat up enough.

[moo]

sorry to barge in but may i ask you summer rae, how long has it been for you since you ended it?

you sound really strong and i'm hoping i will be feeling the same way soon too.

moo

[SummerRae]

Moo, it's been a little over a month since things finally ended, as in no calls/contact besides him sending letters in the mail. But truthfully, it's been ending for a while because I haven't seen him for quite some time and I realized a while ago that he is not the ONE. That has made it he!!a easier. I think it comes in waves when we first begin healing.

[moo]

ok thanks summer rae,

i hope you are feeling better now starting over

moo

[startingover1028]

You are all right in that it does come in waves. There are moments when I feel strong and independent and proud that I walked away... Then, there are the other times when I'm a weeping, insecure, idiot who just wants to hear the sound of his voice. That's when I send the notes.

 

I think that we set ourselves up to get hurt because we need those little bursts of "renewed pain" to make us realize how wrong the situation is for us. I know that for me, when I get rejected by him, it does help to shore up my resolve a bit... makes me stronger... gets me a little mad that a person could treat me this way... by ignoring me.

 

I think the key is to go just so far without losing your dignity. Once you've reached that point, it's time to throw in the towel and see it for what it is... hopeless. I'm almost there... a few more big waves... then I'll be sailing in calmer waters.

 

 

 

Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words.

[izzybelle]

I think that we set ourselves up to get hurt because we need those little bursts of "renewed pain" to make us realize how wrong the situation is for us. I know that for me, when I get rejected by him, it does help to shore up my resolve a bit... makes me stronger... gets me a little mad that a person could treat me this way... by ignoring me.

 

this is exactly how i felt and how i ended up dealing with things best. and it seemed so stupid at the time. i'd email, or i'd call or whatever knowing that the pain would come back in a wave, knocking me completely on my butt when i didn't hear back from him (and some days i did and some days i didn't). the waves have gotten much, much smaller and somedays things actually feel pretty calm. in fact i can now talk to him, or send a note (sometimes i still hear back, sometimes i don't) and it's ok. i remember so well what you're going through with the renewed pain.... IT DOES GET EASIER!!!! i know everyone says NC but i knew i couldn't heal that way, i had to face the whole thing and deal with it. in the end, the contact was what helped me get through it. but nope, that doesn't work for everyone.

 

in time you may feel that the NC is going to help you get through the last little bit. for me it's been about 9 mos. and i emailed him today (non-relationship based) and he responded. so it surprised me but i knew he wouldn't respond to my "thanks" email. and it really was ok, no wave that i couldn't stand on my feet for, and now that i think about it, i had no overwhelming feelings of anything bad at all!!!!

 

just hang in there and adjust your coping strategies if one stops working for you. we all deal with these things in our own way. you'll get there, it just takes time.

 

take care!!!!

 

izzy