October Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 [color=blue]I'm just wondering if this is fair for me to ask my husband to tell a certain woman "I cannot be friends with you since I have already cheated on my wife with you...."?[/color] The past: I know he has cheated on me in many different ways; I just don't really know how far he has gone. He has lied to me and about me. I have had "evidence" (admitting he slept with a man and as a joke asked him to **** him, pictures of other women, porn, sex catalogs- 1 missing an order form, extreme "flirting" &/or sex jokes that I call cheating but depends on how one classifies them, him asking at least 1 woman or more to go with him for the weekend since we were having problems, I tested my cousin on him and he set up a place and date for them to meet, disappearing, his father telling me he would come in after work take a shower and go back out all night to come in and get ready for work the next morning, and many other signs) but have not caught him going all the way or doing serious making out. He would tell me it wasn't cheating when I would tell him it was in my eyes and that it hurt my feelings. According to my religious beliefs if a man looks to lust after a woman he is committing adultery. Although I believe he may have stopped this behavior, I am afraid he can go back to it. He has told me in the past while looking me in the eyes that he was committed to me since he met me, and that was a lie. He told me he never fooled around with other women and hasn't gone all the way, and I can't entirely believe him. He told a preacher that the only thing he ever did was to let a woman touch his thigh, but I've seen and heard too much. He has in private admitted to me that he has cheated on me but has not done anything more than what I already know. I tell him if there were all these women I found out about that I did not know about before, how many more were there that I still don't know about? He has even told someone else that he has never slept with other women after me, but I know that one can have sex/romance/etc and not have to "sleep" with the other person. He has also admitted to "f****** around" on me, then changed his story. Past suspicious behavioral reasons why I don't believe his relationship with this woman is totally innocent: Pictures of him and her at her birthday party. (He never had a party with me on my birthday and at that time period he had not ever spent my birthday with me at all, even though we had a child together.) Disappearing acts. Taking his ring off his finger at her party (found out from the pictures). Other pictures involving her in different time periods. Him telling me he told her to leave her BF. Going to her place alone I don't know how many times. Gave her roses (found out from the pictures too). He told me he had wanted to date her before he met me. All the other women, excuses/lies, etc. He didn't even take that many pictures of me and our baby but had a bunch of her, showing her thighs and stomach, her dancing and laughing and having a good time---without her BF. He never told me about her- had to find out from one of his friends that he would go to her place alone or with her brother. He told me that maybe she never knew before that he and I were together when he was doing all this. He told me that he told her brother that he was going to marry her, but that he did not mean it; it was a joke and he really never was engaged to her (her brother thought my husband was for real though when I questioned him). His own father told me that he would come in from work and go back out and thought he was dating around. My husband told me today I should find someone else and that if I go back to my mother's house in another city, I won't have to ever worry about this woman again. In my religious beliefs, if I remarry while he is alive, that also is cheating because it thwarts any efforts of reconciliation. From what I have heard, she has had a baby and may be with another guy. I thought he had stopped cheating on me. I want him to see that if he was engaged to her "as a joke", that I'm afraid this behavior could happen again. One of his previous "friends" that he wanted me to be friends with has allowed herself to be on a webcam, her shirt off, on top of her husband's half-brother, who is also married. It seems that most of his friends are and have been sexual with him. He used to tell me she was friendly. Yes, I know she was nice and friendly, but that does not make it right for her to cheat on her husband (there were a lot of other things going on too). He does not have anything to do anymore with her or her husband to my knowledge. He tells me he is going to try not to do any more of this behavior, then he tells me what he did this morning. He had told me that he used to not see this behavior as cheating, and now he knows what he did was wrong. The first 2 times I tried to ask him my request, he told me "shut up", and if I went back to my mother's house I won't have to worry about this woman, so am I really being unfair? We have a child together, he has lied to me, he has abused me, in my opinion cheated on me, and done other stuff too. He has calmed down a whole lot, says he's sorry for what he's done, and has told me how he has chnaged in his religion. He tells me I have shot down all his friends, but he still pms them, calls them, talks to them, lets them come by. He has dropped a number of them, though. In my opinion he has been acting cold lately. I felt that to get him to hold me I had to be sexual with him (when I asked him to hold me before starting my overtures, he did not). He says that is stupid. So my question, if I fell threatened by this woman still talking with him, when they bump into each other, is it fair for me to ask him to tell her he can't be friends with her any more and why? He and I met by an accidental meeting too, and look what happened. Shouldn't he consider my feelings on this woman and look for friendship within the marraige first and healing with me and more responsible friends who don't party, don't do drugs, don't act sexual towards me & him (whether male or female), and who do have some shared interests with both of us, and who won't give me reason to suspect him of starting up the previous behavior? Or should I just let him go or give him more space now that we've come this far? I am moving back in with my mother, so what now.
onlyhuman Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 I would leave this guy in an instant,run, don't walk. I'm sorry you have put up with this mistreatment for as long as you have. Good Luck, especially if you even consider staying with him!
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 I'm just wondering if this is fair for me to ask my husband to tell a certain woman "I cannot be friends with you since I have already cheated on my wife with you...."? Yes it is fair. HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH THIS WOMAN....OFcourse he cannot be friends with her. It's her or you. End of story. And couples therapy would help this situation if you want to still be married. If not, go to therapy on your own, end it with him. He sounds like a real piece of work and not in a good way. Good luck.
pushing tin Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 you have the right to not be lied to, and this right seems to be violated repeatedly. you cannot change another person, only set your own personal boundaries, and it is very clear that you have absolutely none. you deserve everything that you are getting, because you are volunteering to be present for this behavior. he will not change, and sounds borderline s*x and love addict, if not fully advanced in the disease. this addiction like any other will cause him to lie, and selfishly do what it takes to get his fix. think of it like heroin...if he doesn't get his fix, it could make him insane, dangerous, violent or abusive, and certainly not present to raise a child. you have choices...and they all begin with you, and focusing on you and your life, and your child. you screwed up by not using birth control with a person that you "accidently" met. i highly recommend you look into going to an al-anon meeting, or a CODA meeting, for codependent people like yourself. http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html http://www.codependents.org/
rble618740 Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 October - I didn't get a sense from your post how long ago your husband's bad actions occurred. I don't know that it's significant, but my advice might change depending on how much time has passed. I have the same theological views as you. I believe that God HATES divorce and that if I were to divorce my husband (even if he left me) and remarry, that I would be commiting adultery. However, Matthew 19:9 reads, "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." I don't know what religion you are, but even in fundamentalist schools of thought, the Bible permits "putting away your spouse" (divorce) for adultery. Depending on your religion, your ability to remarry might be a tougher issue, but adultery is the only reason for divorce condoned by the Bible. Just to let you know that I understand where you're coming from, my husband left me last June after only 9 months of marriage. I wanted so much to just move on and stop hurting, but instead I worked EXTREMELY hard at my marriage (though he had not been employed, he'd been drinking a lot, he stayed out late at night, and basically did NOT value our marriage or make it a priority). I did my best to support him and do what my religious beliefs required of me as a wife, regardless of how he was behaving as a husband (no adultery). After a while, he began to reciprocate my efforts. He came home in August and our marriage has been WONDERFUL since then. He's gone to counseling, he's quit drinking, he hasn't stayed out late, and he has put us above anything else in his life. He is an unbeliever (and I had gotten away from the church when I married him). Having stuck by him when the rest of the world believed I shouldn't, having worked harder when I knew I'd already been doing 99% of the work in our marriage, and having turned to God when my husband wasn't doing his part in our marriage (instead of judging my hubby), I must say - if he cheated --- I would leave. I will not leave for anything else, but if he cheats - I'm gone. I tell you that, not to say what you should do in your marriage. Only you and your husband can figure out whether you can work things out or not. But I want you to know, I have struggled with the religious aspect of my marital problems (and the options for dealing with them), so I know how you feel. I don't think, though, that the Bible requires you to remain married to an adulterer. Have you discussed this with your spiritual leader? All of this, of course, is premised on my guess that you are a Christian (based on your post). If I am incorrect, none of what I've said may apply to you. You will be in my prayers.
izzybelle Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 i read your post twice and i'm still sitting here dumbfounded at the whole story.... he has lied to me, he has abused me, in my opinion cheated on me, and done other stuff too religious beliefs or not .... holy crap, take care of yourself! and you have a child who deserves a better role model for a father. i know you asked in your original statement whether or not it's fair that you ask him to not be friends with her. you can ask him anything you want but the main thing here is that no where in your post do i ever get the feeling that he's going to care or listen to what you're asking him to do. i'm sorry, this has to be he!! for you. if it wasn't for your religious beliefs what would you do? perhaps that's not fair of me to ask (i'm not a religous person) but if a friend came to you and told you the story you just told us full of abuse, and lies and who knows what else, would you suggest that they stay and risk their well being and that of their child?
tiki Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 I don't think it's unfair at all. I think it would cause a lot of RELIEF if he did that. See how he responds when talk to him about it.
Karlise13 Posted February 20, 2005 Posted February 20, 2005 I find your husband's behavior deplorable and I can only begin to fathom the amount of emotional pain you have had to put up with. It is my sincere and absolute conviction that God does not wish for us to be abused, neglected and repeatedly damaged emotionally. Yes, everyone should offer their spouse a second chance...perhaps even a third. Some people will come around and learn to be good and faithful partners. Others never will. There comes a time when those who would behave badly must be forced to face consequences. Y ou may need to leave him, so that he can understand what losing you means. You may need to ignore his pleas for contact, reunion and forgiveness for a long period of time, so that he can understand that consequences are lasting. You may even need to get a divorce, if he fails to learn how to treat you with dignity, respect and fairness. I cant' fathom any God that would condemn you for leaving a partner who treats you so badly. Especially if you have tried every other avenue towards rebuilding your marriage. THink of your child as well; children who grow up in unhappy homes often have many problems in the 'real world'. Frequently, the end up in relationships that mirror the ones their parents had. Would you wish this type of lifestyle upon your child?
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