Elle1975 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly??? And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation.. The slow fade is a common thing with someone you just met. No strings attached. You don't need closure from a guy you just met. You just need to accept that rejection does happen, and move on. He probably met someone else. Or went back with his ex. Who knows? What I'd advise is not to put all your eggs in the same basket. Date other people, without sleeping with any of them (unless you're cool with it). See who sticks around , who picks your interest, and take it from there.
BlueWaterHunter Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Yes, why not be tolerant - sickness, problems at work etc happen, even hesitation is not a sin, right? Cancelled on you twice then went dark on you? I don't even see mixed signals there. He's moved on that seems blatantly obvious. 2
Elle1975 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Miss Bee, I generally agree. But just to play the devil's advocate, what if: - he is not sure if he wants a relationship with me, so he's backing off to sort out his thoughts? shall he text me in the meanwhile then?? - he has an issue that he doesn't want to share about, and may impede dating, but he doesn't want to schedule and cancel again?? In general I still think people are too self-absorbed, and maybe are not considerate enough for outside factors, but maybe indeed the reason is that I am novice in the online dating HELL Or maybe.. he's just not that into you. I hate to quote the movie, but you really have the same problem. "if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn't give a sh*t." Edited July 2, 2014 by Elle1975
Daisydance Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I'm afraid it's over by the sounds of it, it happens. It happened to me last year went on two fantastic dates then less contact then nothing, no explanation and I went over and over in my head what it could possibly be but in the early stages of dating it just happens. Then about a month ago this guy found me and sent a friend request on face book. I thought I finally might get an explanation but no. I asked hey what's with the friend request, he said just wondered what you were up to. Said id just come back from a holiday then again nothing. I have no idea what happened and doubt I ever will 1
MissBee Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Miss Bee, I generally agree. But just to play the devil's advocate, what if: - he is not sure if he wants a relationship with me, so he's backing off to sort out his thoughts? shall he text me in the meanwhile then?? - he has an issue that he doesn't want to share about, and may impede dating, but he doesn't want to schedule and cancel again?? In general I still think people are too self-absorbed, and maybe are not considerate enough for outside factors, but maybe indeed the reason is that I am novice in the online dating HELL Are you being serious? Well if you're okay with being treated like that...what can anyone say? Your devil's advocate reasons are not anything profound. I'm not trying to be rude, just frank, that these are the same lame excuses women make up, whether they invent that he has some deep seated psychological issues, is scared, shy, afraid to get his heart broken blah blah blah blah and it all amounts to the same thing...while you're busy psychoanalyzing this dude he is nowhere to be found and you're here playing Clues and 9/10 times it's not that deep and it doesn't matter what his fears are, point is, he is being rude to you and no one's issues makes it okay for them to do that. If you are okay with excusing that and allowing men to disappear for weeks at a time to think then pop back up and you excuse it...well...hey, better you than me. Dating isn't a charity. Some people do have genuine issues...and if so...they need to work on themselves BEFORE dating. I made sure to work on my issues. But no one needs to be subjected to their rudeness and then give them a pass because they are afraid or whatever else and dating isn't about feeling sorry for someone or fixing them. But bottom line....many women are way too generous inventing issues and neuroses for men who have none but are just not into them. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. How I ended up on LS in the first place about 5 years ago...I spent time excusing and playing devil's advocate and making things A LOT more complicated than they really were. It's one thing to be "understanding" and "tolerant" but it's another to be naive and a doormat...which I definitely played that role by always trying to give every rude, uninterested dude the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment. I can tell how much my self worth has improved because nowadays my firs thought is "He's not that interested and it's okay..." if I happen to be wrong he'll show up and show me...but when your FIRST reaction is to start theorizing on what kind of psychological issues he may have or sit there making up excuses for this person who never told you any of these things....it says a lot about your own self worth why you have to resort to that instead of the least complex and most often right answer. I can tell you now though, I no longer do that, I realize how simple things are and am with a fabulous man whom I didn't have to spend not one moment excusing or analyzing because he is invested, interested and doesn't have bad manners or issues. I am very understanding and I understand that just as how I am courteous, I communicate and don't ever leave a man hanging whom I'm interested in, I only date men who do the same and realize that those who don't aren't men I want to date. But if you feel this is what's happening and you STILL want to date someone who is sooo confused that they can't respond to you...then....what else can we say? You choose your poison and choose what you want to put up with. I just know that I put up with all that crap before and it is a waste of time and I know my worth and know that I want a man who will give me the same investment and courtesy as I give him and so since I'd never just disappear for a week from fear or confusion or anything else, I'm only compatible with men who are the same and am not interested in a man who I have to play psychotherapist to or need to constantly guess what's in his mind. Edited July 2, 2014 by MissBee 3
Author No_Go Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Been serious unfortunately but... got your point. Sitting on my hands one more day (rather than contacting him), if he keeps the silence I'll assume he's gone for good
MissBee Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Been serious unfortunately but... got your point. Sitting on my hands one more day (rather than contacting him), if he keeps the silence I'll assume he's gone for good And if so...good riddance! You didn't invest years or months into him and you have to realize that with online dating especially these things happen. If you get soo attached to every person you've gone out with twice it will be a hard road. I definitely understand disappointment and wanting to know someone more and them disappearing but it's a reality you have to prep yourself for and if you know you're the type to be super invested very soon...go slow.
mortensorchid Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I feel like if he gave me closure, I'd have moved on by now. But just fading away slowly??? And to make the matters worse, I am afraid now to contact him, since I may appear aggressive, needy or desperate. However, I desperately need closure, even if it is a fake explanation.. Closure is a good thing to have, no question. But those who won't give it even when they have it requested are not worth your time and energy. Some people fade away, some end things suddenly with good or bad feelings. Whichever they do, it's not worth your time to keep stressing over this man saying only he can give you closure. You get it when you decide to move on, which you will do soon.
Author No_Go Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Got my closure He stood up without asking him. I'm both sad and happy, wish him best, ready to move on.
atmandu Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Like others above me pointed out: too much too fast (and he's probably a sociopath) You believe his explanations and excuses because you haven't dealt with his type before. Actions speak louder than words. Judge the people in your life by their actions -- not what they say the will do. You don't need closure and you don't need any false/real/unicorn validation of any kind. You only need your own will -- anything else is delusional. Good thing you dodged that bullet and can get out after only 2 days. Best of luck!
haribogumsnickers Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 OP, your username suggests that you already made your decision. It's a no go.
MissBee Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 Got my closure He stood up without asking him. I'm both sad and happy, wish him best, ready to move on. How'd he do that? He messaged you? Well I'm happy you can move on, and I do hope that as you continue to date you see that 9/10 times it's not something complicated, but as simple as the guy isn't that interested. It will save you LOTS of head space when you realize that and once you see a man disappearing for days and a week on end and always canceling, you'll immediately start thinking he's lost interest instead of thinking up some grand excuse that is way more far-fetched.
Author No_Go Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 MissBee, he called to explain himself. It was a bittersweet conversation in the end. Btw, I've been in similar situations before (somebody stopped calling) and never gave it much thought, but this time for some reason I cared for him too much, too much to admit to myself the reality. Well, lesson learned. 1
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