Cdmcdonald3 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 My husband has dropped a bombshell on me that has turned my world upside down. A little background, I am not unfamiliar with this ex. When we first started dating she called pretty often even though she was engaged to someone else. She continued to call until around the time he and I moved in together. I had accepted his explanation that they were still really good friends and in my 20 year old naivety thought what could be the harm she lives several states away and she's engaged to someone else. More harm than I ever could have dreamed. I have spent all these years thinking the last phone call the 2 of them had was right after I moved in with him and I answered the phone when she called in the middle of the night. I heard a very shocked OH and rude UUUGHHH then she hung up on me. I told him about it and he said it was probably her and he would call her the following day. I told him to tell her the least she could do if she was going to call and wake me up in the middle of the night is not hang up on me. He agreed. I trusted him and never asked if he actually called her or for any details about the call but I also never heard the phone ring in the middle of the night again or had any indication that she ever called again period. Fast forward a few years. I didn't hear much of anything about her after that phone call. She came up here and there when talking about exes and past relationships but that was it. We were married at that point, having kids, and building a life together. I think the first time she was mentioned was when we were looking for a change of scenery and checking out his options to transfer to another facility. We narrowed down a few areas and he mentioned that he had been not far from one of them one summer when he went to visit HER then he says man I loved her, I would have given anything to marry her. I teased him about it a little but otherwise let it go. Then he says it again a few days later and he keeps saying it. When I say he kept saying it, this became a frequent several times a week thing. At some point I told him it had been said enough that it was quite hurtful and I point blank asked if he still had feelings for her or if there was any contact between the 2 of them that I didn't know about. He became indignant and asked how I could accuse him of something like that. He didn't stop bringing her up though and didn't quit saying that to me. If anything my protests made it worse. We didn't move at that time but did end up moving to the facility closer to her a few years later. The comments about her had died down, they still happened from time to time but not as frequently. I had also asked on other occasions if there was something going on there and he remained indignant. Around the 9-10 year mark he mentioned that he was going to try catching up with some people he went to college with and I told him I thought that was great. I didn't realize that included HER. He sends out this hey, how is everyone doing email and then tells me she responded. WHAT? Why are you contacting her? His only response is he went to college with her and he told me he was sending a catch up email to everyone he went to college with and I was okay with it. I find it deceptive on his part to say the least and he has since told me that his real intent was to contact her but he didn't want me to stumble across the email and think that's what he was doing so he included everyone else and told me all about it.....too bad I thought that the second I was told she responded. I thought her response email was very inappropriate, especially considering the time I thought it had been since they had last spoken. She unloaded about how her marriage had fallen apart and they were getting a divorce, how her boys needed a daddy, and she asked him to come visit her. His reaction to it was the most troubling, giddy is the only word I can think of to describe him when he saw that she responded. Of course all this time he's not hiding any of it from me as if that somehow makes it okay. I told him I thought she was being inappropriate and that he either needed to not respond at all which would be my preference or if he did he needed to clarify that he IS married. He told me, what's the big deal she's having a hard time and we talk about our problems that's just the kind of relationship we have. What relationship, you're calling this a relationship when you haven't spoken to her in 10 years? Fortunately, to the best of my knowledge and I'm not 100% sure it's correct, she never responded again. I again asked if there was something more going on and he was indignant as usual. By this point the rose colored glasses were definitely off where she was concerned so when we also started having problems with his family around the same time I hit my breaking point and insisted on either getting a divorce or attending marriage counseling. I let him decide which it would be and he chose marriage counseling. A lot improved with the marriage counseling. Then he dropped it on me, 12 years into our marriage, on my birthday that he had never been in love with me because he was still in love with her. This came about because he had once again given me a heart shaped pendent, almost identical to another one I had, even though I had repeatedly told him I don't like them and they just sit in the jewelry box not being worn. I had asked him several times to stop buying me heart shaped jewelry and he continued to only buy me that for presents. I had so many that I had started returning them so when he gives me yet another one I thanked him then went to the bedroom and bawled my eyes out. He came in and asked what was going on and I told him it was hurtful that I kept asking him not to give me those for presents but he wasn't listening and continued to do it. He told me well, SHE would have liked it so why don't you. SHE who? What are you talking about? The Ex. I don't remember everything that was said, I know I let him have it but it ended with him telling me he had never been in love with me because he was still in love with her. I kicked him out, called the marriage counselor and did a few sessions on my own. At his urging I let my husband start attending as well. I agreed to work on it but was adamant that my husband would not be coming home until I was sure me and our marriage was his priority and where he wanted to be. It took awhile but it did happen, at least I thought so. Fast forward to the last few weeks. I've got a new boss and things at work have been pretty stressful for me. I've really needed a shoulder and much more support than usual. I haven't gotten it from my husband. What I have gotten is a lot of arguing about petty and ridiculous things and a lot of complaining that I'm too consumed with my job. Yes, I know I am at the moment and I'm trying to figure it all out so that it does not continue to be a problem. I'm human and I know I don't need it often but at the moment I need some patience and support. I'm doing the best I can in a difficult situation and trying to juggle a lot right now. I do honestly see this as a transition period, I've tried explaining that to him, and I do see this as temporary. He would rather just fight and argue. I have stopped trying to talk to him about it because I think it's ridiculous to argue with my husband about my job and it's 100 times more hurtful to have him fighting with me when I'm already down than anything that could ever happen to me at work but it has left me feeling very lonely and like I can't depend on him to be by my side during the tough times. Yesterday was particularly bad at work and hard as I tried I couldn't pull it together before I got home. I walked in the door crying, he said oh what now? I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it and I wasn't going to fight with him about it. Apparently that was me starting a fight with him. It went on for hours! At some point in there I told him that it's hurtful and makes me feel like he doesn't give a damn when he does this to me after I've already had a bad day. I also told him that I think it's pretty messed up that he thought he needed to talk to his ex about her divorce because they talk to each other about their problems and that's just the kind of relationship they have when he won't do the same for me. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but I do feel that way. All hell broke loose! He then informed me that I knew about every phone call and email that ever took place, that I knew he had talked to her on the phone when she was going through a divorce and I knew he had talked to her on the phone before we moved and that I was okay with all of it. WHAT?!?!?!? I didn't know he had talked to her on the phone at all after we were married! The only contact I was aware of was the 2 emails! As I was bawling he kept yelling at me that he had been honest with me and I knew everything. I kept saying no and he just kept insisting that I did and I had been okay with it all along. He did this for over an hour then says, whatever I was mistaken. I never talked to her on the phone I only emailed her twice. That's it, he was done, conversation over! This is so beyond unhealthy on more levels than I can count.
turbo-p Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Oh no you poor thing this sounds like a terrible story. Your husband is the one with the problems and he has failed to act like a man and show you any respect. His heart sounds like it has always been on his ex and that you were second best. This man needs a reality check and to appreciate what he's got. It doesn't sound like he will until he's lost everything. I think you really need to consider your future with this person. If he cannot let go of his ex after 12 years there's something seriously wrong. Don't be afraid of being on your own you will be able to appreciate yourself and get your confidence back. Don't rely on this guy to fall back on. I wish you all the best. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 He and this OW are having an emotional affair right under your nose. Marriage counseling is pointless - He is using counseling to reap the benefits of staying married and being comfortable, having a roof over his head. He is not making ANY real effort to be your loving and caring husband. Kick him out again and file for divorce. His actions show you he is not there emotionally. He's checked out and living this 'fantasy/grass is greener' with the OW. I say, let him go. You deserve better! The man you married more or less lied to you through the marriage, he's been in constant contact with her the whole time. He's lied, manipulated and gas lighted (gas lit) you for so long, making you feel crazy. This man is poison to you! Sorry you're hurting, I wish you strength and courage to talk to a lawyer, make a plan and get out of this marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I don't remember everything that was said, I know I let him have it but it ended with him telling me he had never been in love with me because he was still in love with her. Boy, I'm a big believer in trying to work things out and hanging in there through all the issues that a marriage can have. But even I'm stunned by this one. 12 years in, kids, family and life together, and he drops this on you? I don't know how you ever recover, at least in your relationship, from this . When you husband was present, what did your MC say about this statement and it's meaning? Mr. Lucky
Author Cdmcdonald3 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) My husband convinced him that he was confused and didn't feel much love for me in that moment because I was angry with him and that he just wanted to say something hurtful because I hurt him. I don't buy that, I never have. I protested in the moment and had previously warned MC that my husband could be quite manipulative, he did buy it though and told me to quit being such a drama queen. Edited July 3, 2014 by Cdmcdonald3 misspelling
Author Cdmcdonald3 Posted July 3, 2014 Author Posted July 3, 2014 Turbo-P, YES! I have certainly felt a lack of respect, a lack of effort on his part, and like I'm not THE ONE, I was 2nd best. Looking back, my take on all of it is that she has never wanted him for anything more than on the side. They met in college and only casually dated because she had a boyfriend back home. When college was done she moved back home and became engaged to him. My husband and I met right before she got married but she had continued contacting him and stringing him along all that time. I think somewhere in there he realized he needed to move on with his life and lucky me, I was there and convenient. Whichwayisup, it's very comforting to know someone else gets it. For the short term, he is transferring to an off shift at work and we won't be home/both awake at the same time often. I think that will give me some emotional relief so I can focus on myself and making a plan for the future.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I protested in the moment and had previously warned MC that my husband could be quite manipulative, he did buy it though and told me to quit being such a drama queen. If you mean the MC told you that then, for me, would be time for a new counselor. That's like telling someone who's spouse has been unfaithful to just get over it. Doesn't work that way... Mr. Lucky
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