Trying to heal from a breakup, found this forum

[Moonborn]

Hello everyone,

I wasn't able to find a place for new members to introduce themselves, and since my main issue at the moment is my recent breakup I guess I am going to post here and ramble a bit, which I am told I am mightly good at. I have also been suggested by friends that it may be a good idea to put my feelings in writing, and while I would feel a bit silly writing them down in a journal, doing it on a forum feels less unnatural.

 

There is not really much original about my story, I thought I had found the woman I was going to marry, while it turned out she was not. I don't really think any of us did anything that was truly wrong, but there was a good deal of hurting each other and being mean to each other that took it to the point where she probably hates my guts.

 

We got to know each other on an online game. She is american, I am Italian. We exchanged skype contacts and started talking daily. In time we grew closer. She would get up at 6:30 am just so that she could chat with me on skype, and I would go to bed late to talk with her. Before we realized it we had moved to something that was more than a simple friendship.

 

Now once you get to that point, you can either be a sane person and back off, or you can do the crazy thing and push further. We went with the latter. I boarded a plane and went to visit her. I was prepared to the fact that it could feel differently in person than it did when we were online, but in fact once I got there everything was just as it was when we were far. Except that I actually got to be with her, to hug her and kiss her. She also was my first, and I was hers.

 

After a week I had to go back home, but a few months later through my university I had an opportunity to go back in the US for my master thesis. I was sent to a place that was less than an hour by plane from where she lives now, and I came to visit her as often as I could. I stayed there six months. During my stay I had to cope with things that I never had to deal with (a really crappy and expensive apartments with cockroaches and bedbugs, noisy neighbours etc.), and being a naturally anxious person I struggled with it. Especially the bedbugs drove me insane, and I was driving her insane in turn.

 

I should mention that she also had (and has) her issues going on. Her mother has health problems, her father left them recently on their own and she has a complicated relationship with him. I did support her through all that at the best of my abilities, even paying for some of her expenses to help her cope with money problems (I offered and insisted to do that, she didn't want at first but really had no choice) and until then she had been happy with me. Something snapped during those weeks though. Maybe she wasn't able to handle everything, maybe I was too obnoxious, maybe she simply fell out of love without a real reason. Before that she was apparently head over feet, talking about living together once I managed to move to the US for good, but after the bedbugs madness I noticed that she had started acting colder, and when I asked her what was wrong (I had to ask more than once) she said she was questioning our relationship.

 

I did what I believe most people would do in my place. I was afraid of losing her. So I tried to show her how much I cared for her. When she came to visit me at my place I prepared a candlelight dinner for her, and I made her a ring out of a quarter (it took me about a month during my spare time). She seemed to be back to how she was, and everything seemed to be back to normal. Our last week together was a blast. We were happy again.

 

Then I had to come back to Italy. A couple of months later I was offered another mission in the US (as part of the research work I am doing for my thesis). I went and was able to visit her for a week before going back home again. That was a disaster.

 

She was unable to get off work during that week, because she really needed the money. She has to get up at 5 am when she works mornings, and often gets out of work at 10 pm (not working continuously or everyday, but it is taking a toll on her). To try and spend some time with her I also got up when she did, and I went with her at her workplace. I wasn't able to get in, so I waited in her car until she got out. Then I would follow her to her university, and do some work of my own while she was taking classes. After that we would go have lunch together.

 

One of the last evenings I asked her how she thought we were doing. She said she had doubts about us again. I had noticed that she seemed to be upset, but I didn't think things were that bad again. I believe now that the right thing to do in that moment would have been to get out of her bed and go sleep on the couch. It was clearly over already. But I wasn't able to do it. She hugged me tighter than ever, and we ended sleeping together that night too. Then the day after she took me at the airport and I flew back home.

 

We tried to keep the relationship going, but she grew colder and angrier with me. It came to the point when I was afraid of talking to her. She decided to break up. And here is when I did the biggest mistake: I knew I needed to stop talking with her for a while, and I told her so. But then I wasn't able to keep the no contact. I believe it may be more difficult for a long distance relationship. I was used to receiving daily textes from her (we used whatsapp). I am not talking about one or two textes, a major part of our relationship went through our phones. I realize this is no excuse. I was weak, and unable to keep the no contact, so I texted her again. We went back to talking daily, but she would keep hurting me without even realizing it. Sometimes she was rude and offensive, sometimes she just said silly things that hurt me more than they should have (such as complaining about her brother making out with his girlfriend, and saying that we weren't that bad about doing that in front of her mother). Sometimes I was obnoxious, and said mean things too.

 

As you can imagine, it ended badly. After one last confrontation I told her I thought we should each go on our own way, but I also snapped at her. I had built up resent from the previous times she had been aggressive with me (she said things such as the fact that she couldn't wait for me to be gone when I was visiting etc.). So it came to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I just unleashed it all on her. After that she blocked me on facebook and skype, and uninstalled whatsapp. I deleted her number.

 

A few months passed. Now I have a calmer view on things. At least I believe I am able to be more objective on how things went. But she is not going to talk with me anymore, and when a common friend tried talking with her she said that I tried to pass as an innocent victim or bystander and make her appear like a devil. Which I honestly think I did not. I made mistakes, so did she. We are humans. I would just like a possibility to talk with her to clear things and get closure. But yeah, even if she didn't hate my guts I am aware that it is probably not how it would end. So I am just trying to move on. I do feel very sad that an important person in my life is gone forever though. I really loved her.

 

Well this turned into a hell of a post >.> . Told you I am a rambler . But just writing down all this makes me feel a lot better . To all of you who will have the patience to actually read through all this, thanks.

[Ice.cream]

I admire the fact that you are so strong coming out of this. I went through something like this recently, but a lot less intense than your situation and werent in a relationship yet, so hey youre not alone! You'll become stronger! And this all shall pass. Stay strong and positive, buddy.

[Moonborn]

I know. I have no regrets, and I believe that we can always learn from our mistakes and grow into a better person. Thank you for taking the time to actually read the wall of text and posting a reply, I really appreciate it .

[noskilljustluck]

Hello everyone,

 

And here is when I did the biggest mistake: I knew I needed to stop talking with her for a while, and I told her so. But then I wasn't able to keep the no contact. I believe it may be more difficult for a long distance relationship. I was used to receiving daily textes from her (we used whatsapp). I am not talking about one or two textes, a major part of our relationship went through our phones. I realize this is no excuse. I was weak, and unable to keep the no contact, so I texted her again.

 

It is difficult, if you are so used to receiving texts from your ldr partner. I know how that feels. Me and my ex used Viber for communication, day and night. Whenever and wherever we could save time, it was for text messages.

You get so used to it, that even after breakup you are scared to break the habit. Thats why, in my weak moments I have always made up with him.

But in abusive ldr relationships in which one person is indifferent to the other, NC is the best option.

 

Time heals all, they say. So give it time and lets see, what good the new moments will bring, instead of dwelling in the bad past.

Why dont you write a story? You're a good writer, it might just work out and will keep you busy too.

[Moonborn]

It is difficult, if you are so used to receiving texts from your ldr partner. I know how that feels. Me and my ex used Viber for communication, day and night. Whenever and wherever we could save time, it was for text messages.

You get so used to it, that even after breakup you are scared to break the habit. Thats why, in my weak moments I have always made up with him.

But in abusive ldr relationships in which one person is indifferent to the other, NC is the best option.

 

Time heals all, they say. So give it time and lets see, what good the new moments will bring, instead of dwelling in the bad past.

Why dont you write a story? You're a good writer, it might just work out and will keep you busy too.

 

Ahah thank you, I am flattered, especially since English is not my native language . I am afraid I am too lazy to write stories though... I tried it in the past, but everytime I seem to get something going I drop it midway.

 

But yes, the daily texting routine was most difficult to break. It helped texting real life friends instead of her. I have to say that trying to give advice to people in this forum helps too. It shows me how many people are dealing with their problems, and how many have a situation which is far worse than mine.

[noskilljustluck]

Ahah thank you, I am flattered, especially since English is not my native language . I am afraid I am too lazy to write stories though... I tried it in the past, but everytime I seem to get something going I drop it midway.

 

But yes, the daily texting routine was most difficult to break. It helped texting real life friends instead of her. I have to say that trying to give advice to people in this forum helps too. It shows me how many people are dealing with their problems, and how many have a situation which is far worse than mine.

 

You need not be flattered, lol

But I see your point.

 

Hmmm, story writing takes a lot of time and progression. I agree with you on that, makes people lazy as Ive tried writing one but never truly completed it. So instead I opted for poems and soliloquys. They take time, but they are short and convey much more.

 

Yes, by giving advice here, we not only distract ourselves but also learn from others and impart our own wisdom which came from experience.

 

Keep up the good work~

[lovebug_5858]

Hello Moonborn,

seeing you on my posts, I decided to come look at yours.

I'm sure it is very hard for you as well. My ex and I are also LDR after living near eachother for 3 years and I feel like that makes it all that much harder believe it or not.

Partly the reason I broke NC is because he was in town.

It seemed that you two had a beautiful relationship, I'm sure she doesn't hate you and will most likely contact you again soon to get closure. Women seem to need closure a lot more than men but anyways, You did post on my thread that she did email you and you broke NC.

I hope that everything is working out for you and that emailing her brought you more at peace with your relationship than before.