TheChloe Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I’m new here, so sorry for posting such a long rant for my first post.... I have been in a relationship now for 5 years and the best way to describe it is:rollercoaster. It has been constantly up and down and this is mainly because myboyfriend is rather commitment-phobic. Now, he’s not a commitment-phobe in thetraditional sense (i.e. wants to run around having one night stands, playingaround etc.), in fact, he really wanted a relationship when we first and wouldtalk about how he wanted to marry and have a family and have someone special tospend his life with. He’d had a few girlfriends before we met, but none werevery serious (never engaged, never lived together). But in the 5 years we’vebeen together he’s been constantly saying how he’s unhappy, how he likes to dohis own things and doesn’t want to have the burden of having to think of someelse (i.e. me). He says he wants to just live with his mother, go to work andnever have to think of anything else. Sometimes I wonder how we’ve managed to last so long, but when he’s not being down aboutus then we’re actually very good together — our friends pass comment a lot onhow perfect we are, and his friends say I’m really good for him. Plus theseepisodes of doubt on his part are just that: episodes. He’ll get upset, cry andtell me how he’s not happy, wants to leave but doesn’t want to hurt me bywalking out. I’ll comfort him (or, our early years, cry and beg him not to go).Then we’ll be all okay, happy and he’ll be calling me his future wife and stuffuntil it happens again in a couple of weeks’ time. I like to think I’m easy-going and try hard not to stress him out or give him ahard time. We’re both quite reclusive and I like to spend time alone, as doeshe. I never bug him about spending time with me, and he says he reallyappreciates that. He also tells me he loves me, will never meet someone like me.I ask him if things are okay, if we can improve things together, or if I canjust help in any way — he always says that there’s nothing I can do more, thatI’m “perfect". But the reason I’m posting this is because I’m finding this so difficult now. Ifeel no sense of security and feel rubbish about myself. I am feeling sostressed and just want things to be normal. I have tried to tell him before thatthis whole up-and-down stuff is stressing me out and upsetting me and he saidthat me being stressed just makes him feel worse and that he doesn’t want tofeel guilt and that this is another reason he should be single. Two days ago heconfessed that his brother and sister want him to move out and leave me as he’sso unhappy. Apparently because he has been losing hair since he met me and theyhave put this down to stress (and not because he’s almost 40 years old). I just don’t know what to do anymore. Half of me says “let him go”, the otherhalf says “but we’re sometimes so happy together! I’ll never meet someone elsewho’ll make me as happy as he can! He’s close to my family and 11-year-oldchild! How can I go from all we have to nothing!?” I’m not sure what I’m reallylooking for here, maybe I just need to vent, but has anyone else experiencesanything similar, and if so, what did you do? Thanks!xxx Edited July 2, 2014 by TheChloe Oops, Title has gone wrong! Meant to say "So confused"
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 You have to let him go. Why you put up with this for so long is baffling. Really being alone is better than putting up with this nonesense. Give him his wish. Walk away. 3
Zahara Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I just don’t know what to do anymore. Half of me says “let him go”, the otherhalf says “but we’re sometimes so happy together! I’ll never meet someone elsewho’ll make me as happy as he can! He’s close to my family and 11-year-oldchild! How can I go from all we have to nothing!?” I’m not sure what I’m reallylooking for here, maybe I just need to vent, but has anyone else experiencesanything similar, and if so, what did you do? Thanks!xxx You must be dating a past ex of mine. It doesn't change. You'll always be on a rollercoaster. What's happy about a relationship that gives you the highest of highs and lowest of lows? A healthy and happy relationship is consistently stable -- like straight line with a few blips here and there -- yours looks like it's all over the place. If you want to be with him, remove your expectations of having a stable family situation and just date him on his terms. I'm not sure if you can get anymore more than that from him. You can suggest therapy and see if he's interested. I'll note that these types are selfish. "I have tried to tell him before thatthis whole up-and-down stuff is stressing me out and upsetting me and he saidthat me being stressed just makes him feel worse and that he doesn’t want tofeel guilt and that this is another reason he should be single." Translation: Your feelings are irrelevant. You have to make him feel good in the relationship -- he doesn't have to make you feel good in the relationship. Infact, he's telling you that if you want this, disregard how you feel. 3
life-is-short Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It is hard to walk away, but it is necessary. I recently broke up with my ex-gf for for similar issues. She was commitment-phobic, hyper-critical all the time, emotionally unavailable, and not a supportive partner. But I loved her (or thought I did) so much that I stayed in the relationship much too long. It became clear she threw in the towel on the relationship in the spring of this year, but she just didn't want to officially break up (not sure if it was because of not wanting to feeling guilty or more likely she wanted to have a new bf ready to go to after this one ended). Roller coaster relationships are unhealthy. Sometimes the intensity of the "high" after a low period can feel powerful, but it isn't sustainable and worse, it saps your energy, self-esteem, and resilience. I recommend reading Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's book, *Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love* and look into the attachment-avoidant category and see if it describes your ex. I was shocked at how well it described my ex. 1
Author TheChloe Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Thanks for your replies, it's such a relief to get it off my chest and have understanding people listening. I agree with the sentiment about why do I put up with it. The answer, however, is that I'm really not sure. I wish I didn't and that I was stronger. I used to be stronger but I don't have much self-esteem any more. I also suppose (though I hate to admit it) that I'm scared of being single. The last time I was single I was 31, more confident and, to be honest, a lot prettier. I don't feel that I am that person anymore. Another thing I'm ashamed to admit is that there is an element of feeling that his family will have "won" if I leave him. While his dad and younger brother really like me his mother and older brother and sister aren't as keen (as mentioned earlier). Every time my BF has one of his moments he calls them or visits them and they tell him how unhappy he seems, that he doesn't need this stress and that he needs to either move back home or live with one of his siblings. It's odd because they don't seem to actively dislike me, but don't want me with their brother/son! Apparently the only relationship they were happy with was one where he dated a friend of the family... hmmm... Well, as I type this he's sent me another soppy, romantic text and of course I' have that feeling that all will be alright in the end. Though I know it won't... Ugh, I'm my own worst enemy and it makes me feel so frustrated. Sigh... xxx
Zahara Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Seems like you know what you have to do but you fear taking those steps. No one can provide you with the courage to leave. Until you decide you've had enough, you'll just have to manage this relationship on his terms.
lovebug_5858 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I agree with the other posters, Its going to be better for you in the long run to let this guy go because believe it or not, he does not truly care for you. He doesn't even want your feelings affecting him. A relationship is all about give and take, and it just seems that all he is doing is taking, well no, he is giving you grief and a lot of unnecessary pain. Do give him his wish and disappear from his life, If he does care for you at all, he will understand that he is no good for you and that you deserve better. Do not keep putting up with this because you are basically telling him it's okay that he is toying with your feelings.
Griesfootball Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Roller coaster relationships do not last. And if you want it to last you need to let him go for good. 4-6 months away from each other no talking is better for relationships in the long run compared to people who breakup every other month. And in the 4-6 months you will have your answer of if he actually cares about you or not then go on from there
GoBlue Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 I feel no sense of security and feel rubbish about myself. I am feeling so stressed and just want things to be normal. I have tried to tell him before that this whole up-and-down stuff is stressing me out and upsetting me and he said that me being stressed just makes him feel worse and that he doesn’t want to feel guilt and that this is another reason he should be single. Two days ago he confessed that his brother and sister want him to move out and leave me as he’s so unhappy...I just don’t know what to do anymore. Half of me says “let him go”, the otherhalf says “but we’re sometimes so happy together! I’ll never meet someone elsewho’ll make me as happy as he can! He’s close to my family and 11-year-oldchild! How can I go from all we have to nothing!?” Your fear of being alone is not the same thing as love. The relationship, as you have described it, has no security and is emotionally unstable. What advice would you give to a friend of yours who had a relationship like this? One of the issues here is the fact that you are living together but have no real foundation to establish a future. Those scenarios don't usually work out well. What options do you have? If he is unhappy and miserable what is the solution? You say that you feel "no sense of security and feel rubbish about myself", is there any question why? You are longing for commitment and security and he is not providing it nor does it seem that he will in the near future. Marriage is your heart's desire - does it seem possible or even desirable to hope for marriage with this guy? Sometimes breaking up is the only way to get clarity about a relationship. Living together is never a good option if you want to build a strong foundation for marriage (I can provide an article with research showing this to be true). I know how hard it is and I understand the heartache, but do you want to go on-and-on the way you are? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings.
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