PearlCheatsTiger2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Hello, I'm 26, my wife is 24. We've been married since 2010, she has a daughter from a previous relationship and 3 years old when we married. Now we also have our own son he's 2 years old. Personal Background: I come from a f**ked up society where my father/mother severely abused me physically to the point where I can't sleep on my back for a week. Since I was 10 years old: repeated lashes with cables (hanging upside-down the stairs), horse riding crops, bamboo sticks, knifes, torture, neglect...etc up until I was 20 years old. Needless to say, that pretty much f**ked me up. Caused my anger issues, emotional dysfunction and god knows what. Throughout my life I was the romantic sensitive type (shocking, not!) but always saved myself for the right woman who would truly love and appreciate my always-a-giver-attitude. Pre-Marriage: I met my current wife online when I first came to the US in 2008 and we became best friends for 2 years. She lived in TX while I was in DC. I helped her many times financially, emotionally and every possible way. She fell in love with me, but I always said no for the fear of getting hurt. She begged me to give her a chance to prove she's different so I did! I went to visit her 2010, we hangout, had sex, and enjoyed each others company. She and her daughter almost got evicted, I got her a job in DC and helped her move. Got her apartment, furniture, daycare for her daughter gave her a tour and helped her her around too. I then moved in and we got married in 2010! During Marriage: She had a different lifestyle than mine. Messy, unorganized, irresponsible, filthy house, dirty dishes, didn't take care of her appearance in/outside the house, never goes to the gym, doesn't get involved in our finances, doesn't share the daily burden...etc I've OCPD so things must be neat and organized. So we communicated nicely and not so nicely for about 4 years and fought constantly regarding these unhealthy differences. She always promised to fix her issues, but never did. That made it hard for me to express my love and care towards her. So she felt lonely and not loved. I was harsh, when I come home and found the filthy floor or the piles of stuff in her closet (which is causing our daughter to live the same as her) instead of hugging or kissing her like i wanted i would just say mean things and ask her to pickup after herself. Sex became rare, so did love and emotions at least from me towards her. Recently: I accidentally found emails exchanged between her and an Indian tutor who lives in India. Emails started innocent then developed quickly to flirtation and caring and emotional feelings between them. Nothing romantic or sexual as the relationship started in the 1st week of June 2014 and I found out 2 weeks later. I'm sure it'd have developed to more serious one. So for a whole 2 weeks she has been Skyping and chatting and emailing a different man while her husband and her kids are asleep! Yes I do know that we haven't been paying attention to each others feelings for a loooong while, but to emotionally cheat behind her best friend's back!! after all I've done for her and her daughter? I just never thought she would be capable of doing such a thing to ME! the guy who helped her so many times and been through so many good (and bad) memories together. We've 2 kids!! Anyway, the night I found out I was completely devastated and shivering simply because I was always faithful and saved myself for her! Cheating was the only thing I couldn't tolerate, I felt that she betrayed me and our kids! I told her right the way, and she said that she didn't think that I would even care. That's I'd not shown her any respect or love or even acknowledged her in the past 2 years. When she cried during our previous fights (due to her lifestyle) I would not come and comfort her. She said finally someone came along who was nice to me and just loved me the way I was! I told her how much I loved her and that I always wanted us to be happy and live in peace while raising healthy kids. She was shocked to hear all my feelings that night. She said I wish you'd told me half of this during the past year. She said she didn't know that I even loved her anymore. Anyway, she keeps insisting that it was just "online flirtation" and should not be called cheating! I disagree! anytime you secretly share deep feelings and emotions with another person while you're married it's CHEATING! I guess due to my childhood abusive life + the fact that I was 'clean' and faithful all my life, I started humiliating her that night and the next when we talked about it. I handled it very badly! I would demean her body and push her with my finger, calling her names...i just blacked out and wanted to destroy her image in my head! I wanted to see her even dirtier than her act! We decided to go to an LPC to help us figure out whether we've hope in making this work. She is sorry for what she did and traumatized from my behavior in these two nights and I feel sorry for my behavior but also very mad at her cheating on me! We both want to make it work because (I think ) we've feelings for each other and been through many memories and have kids too. I wanted to cheat on her too (physically) thinking that would stain my self-righteousness and help me see hers was just online, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It isn't me! and I can't imagine myself with another woman! Now I'm trying to forgive her but it's very hard and every time I see an Indian at the mall i just feel sick and worthless! We're still living together because she never took the time to develop driving or independency to be able to live by herself so I'm here to still help her go to work and take care of the kids...making me feel what the hell!!! She cheats then I drive her to freaking work!! I want to forgive her very badly but I can't seem to see beyond her cheating! I'm monitoring her laptop 24/7 with a keylogger, her passwords, her calls...it's living hell! But she hasn't tried to contact the guy since I found out, she kepis saying "if I only knew that you truly cared, i would never have done that, I was just trying to forget you and move on because I'm tired of all the crying, the pain, the fights, the anger towards the kids...etc" - Should I forgive her? - Is the damage reversible? - How can I trust her again? - How can I stop the pain inside me? - Would she be able to forgive and forget my behavior in these two nights? if so, how can I make her feel safe again? how when I'm mad at her! PS. I'm getting help with my childhood-abuse which is causing my anger.
Smilecharmer Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It is your responsibility to affair proof your marriage....everything you did from withdrawing emotionally and physically to nitpicking and nagging her drove her into the emotional necessity for another man. She should not have face emotionally consulted a male, but you shouldn't have treated her like a dirty child who you dislike. She needs to leave you and find someone who can live with her harmoniously. You sound high maintenance to the point where no one could live with your fastidiousness. I'm glad you are getting help with your anger but it may be too late. You were emotionally manipulative and abusive to your wife in my opinion. 2
JS84 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) How soon before you guys moved in together and got married? It must have been pretty quick if you guys didn't foresee any problems in terms of having different lifestyles. Especially if it was to that large of a degree. Sounds like you both have contributed to the problems in your marriage but I agree she cheated and that is 100% on her. As for should you forgive her that depends. Is she sorry for what she did or is she sorry she got caught? Does she feel bad because she hurt you or does she feel bad because you flipped out on her?? There's a pretty big difference. Anyway, she keeps insisting that it was just "online flirtation" and should not be called cheating! If she's still saying things like this, she is not remorseful and no you should not forgive her. Because she's basically saying she didn't do anything wrong. Also do not make the mistake that I see so many betrayed spouses make and try to instantly forgive your wife. I'm not saying don't ever forgive her but if you want her to understand the gravity and seriousness of what she's done you need to make her sweat a little. She needs to realize that this type of behavior will potentially leave her divorced with a broken family. Chances are she had no intentions of running away to India to be with that tutor. If you come right out of the gate talking about how you want to work on the marriage, and you want to forgive her, and you want to stay together for the kids, etc you're just sending her the message that she has options. You want her and she has some online fantasy guy who wants her. As long as she feels she has those 2 options she's less likely to be remorseful and she's less likely to embrace the reality of the situation. She's also likely to keep trying to contact her online buddy. But threaten to divorce her and reality will hit her in the face VERY quick, and it will make her realize how badly she messed up. Doesn't mean you have to actually go through with divorce, and it's not a threat you want to make lightly or frequently or else it loses it's effectiveness, but the threat alone or even filing can make a big difference in a wayword spouses behavior. I copied and pasted this from another forum because it illustrates the point I'm trying to make. This is how a cheater handled her cheating husband. (R = Reconcilliation, D = Divorce, WS = cheating spouse, BS = Betrayed Spouse) I am in R but didn't expect to be. I had suspicions a year prior to D-Day and did a soft confront without any evidence (I didn't know about TAM then to realize that was a bad, bad idea). But when I happened upon the irrefutable proof of what he was doing, I packed up and moved out, leaving him a note telling him I was divorcing him (and I fully planned on doing just that). The realization he was about to lose me and our marriage was what broke him out of the fog and convinced him to come completely clean. He didn't have anything left to lose at that point since he'd already lost it. His reaction completely shocked me. I had expected denials, rug-sweeping, tickle-truthing, etc. and it turned out to be the complete opposite. I think it is absolutely essential that the WS realizes the BS is dead serious about being willing to walk out on the marriage - no matter whether the ultimate outcome is D or R. The WS needs to know the serious consequences of their actions. Otherwise they will just do damage control. You don't have to finalize the divorce immediately (I never actually ended up filing), but the threat of losing the BS must be there. Edited July 2, 2014 by JS84
Spectre Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 It is your responsibility to affair proof your marriage....everything you did from withdrawing emotionally and physically to nitpicking and nagging her drove her into the emotional necessity for another man. She should not have face emotionally consulted a male, but you shouldn't have treated her like a dirty child who you dislike. She needs to leave you and find someone who can live with her harmoniously. You sound high maintenance to the point where no one could live with your fastidiousness. I'm glad you are getting help with your anger but it may be too late. You were emotionally manipulative and abusive to your wife in my opinion. This post sounds like you are blaming this guy. Yes, you sure did manage to toss in a "she didn't handle it right" but amidst that you more or less just focused on her. What about him? What about his working to feed and shelter not only his child, but a child from her previous relationship? What about the fact this woman could of, at any time, come and sat him down and told him she was feeling unloved and all this. She failed, instead she decided to cheat and then say "I thought you wouldn't care" all the while keeping all her feelings to herself. She said this guy wasn't there for her, that is a valid issue, but you don't compound it by keeping this information to yourself and letting it grow inside you to the point you begin an emotional affair. I am not defending this guy, but you say things like he sounds like "high maintenance" but you didn't factor in the woman who is 24 and already has 2 kids and one of them is by a different guy. A woman who can't support herself or doesn't take steps to take care of herself, and you are labeling this man "high maintenance". That just seems a bit off to me don't you think? He can't be that high maintenance if he sat there for a long time and continued to support this woman and her child, even though the relationship had issues. I want to say I do not approve of him doing anything physical to her, all he did was poke her with a finger so that isn't a huge deal..BUT it sets a precedent and if it isn't nipped in the butt it could lead to further abuse. With that said, just because you handled her cheating badly..do not let her make this about her and make herself into the victim. She isn't really the victim. This marriage had issues and you are BOTH responsible for that, but she cheated..so you are the victim in this specific circumstance. Whatever your problems she could of solved them in ways other then beginning an emotional affair. My problem now is that the guy has said this woman is totally dependent on him. She also has kids, one by this man and one by some other dude(not sure if he is in the picture). I guess if the other baby daddy was in the picture she wouldn't be totally dependent on this guy so I'm guessing he isn't. But anyways, given how dependent she is on him it makes me worry she is going to do whatever it takes to stay with him, even if she doesn't really love him anymore. It makes me wonder if she will lie or omit details in order to stay with him. Personally, this was the beginning of an emotional affair and her response of "I didn't think you'd care" is strange because even if the guy was withholding affection, he was still taking care of one child who was not his own. I doubt he'd be doing that if he didn't care. This woman sounds like she isn't really ready for marriage IMO, not from the way he described her. She seems like someone looking for a meal ticket more then an actual partner. 1
William Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 (edited) Moderation notes this new member posted this, then immediately logged out and hasn't returned to engage so, in line with our policy on such matters, we'll close this pending their return and alert to us, via the 'alert us' button, to post an update or respond to comments. In advance of that, thank you for your participation and comments. Edited July 3, 2014 by William Thread re-opened
Author PearlCheatsTiger2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks JS84, Spectre Past week: She is very scared of me, due to my violent behavior during the 2 nights I found out about her cheating. I didn't beat her up or anything like that, but I did react badly and demeaned her verbally...She is afraid and traumatized and can't talk about the cheating or the 2 nights. Counselor asked us to sleep in different rooms so she can feel safe again. During the past week I took care of the kids all day/night, took her to work and made anything she wanted available to make her feel safe and didn't even touch her so she doesn't go into an anxiety attack. Counselor said not to talk about anything stressful for her sake. I also told her that if there is anything I can do to make you feel safe, just let me know, I can take you to places you like...bla bla bla (OMG I don't believe I said that after she cheated on me!!) At the end of the week I started feeling completely used and worthless, I felt that I was being punished for HER cheating! The counselor took her emotions in consideration but not mine!! what about me I thought? Why the hell am I taking care of the kids 24/7 while she relaxes in her room!! WTF I was the loyal and faithful one who was there for her and her daughter all these years...she cheated on me not the other way around for goodness sake! Anyway, so I told her "listen this is not fair you cheat on me then I take care of the kids and take you to work, I can't do this anymore. I need this weekend for myself to relax and think things through because I'm not sure if I'm being treated fairly here after you cheated on me and our kids and destroyed our family...those 2 nights I acted badly but I didn't do anything that we've not done before, I'm not sure why exactly are you so scared of me" She went into an anxiety attack immediately and started screaming insanely, banging on the car window, throwing up, pulling her hair out..how could you say that!! bla bla bla..she actually sacred me very much! I was able to relax her and calm her down after an insane 20minutes of terror! She asked if she can hug me? I said sure I still have feelings for you, we hugged! she cried and said how is it that I feel safe and scared of you at the same time! I just miss my best friend (me)..so she felt better after that. She suggested that we both go on vacation to the beach to calm down and forget about all of this and help us get closer to each other away from all of this stress to help us see each other without the stains from that past years. I was hesitant and actually didn't want to go, because again, I felt why would I do that to someone who cheated on me! but decided ok it might help me clear things up too as long as she pays for everything as I'm done helping her out and feeling used. She agreed! Past weekend: During our vacation we decided not to talk about anything stressful and just express whatever we feel at that moment. We had a blast! we hugged so much, we kissed, she felt safer to kiss me and touch me and hold my hands and be close to me and sleep next to me in bed (but no sex). I expressed my love to her and how I think that she is very beautiful and amazing...but also mentioned here and there that I hope I could forget about her cheating to be able to continue together, she also indicated that she hopes that she could forget about my behavior in those 2 nights to be able to be with me physically and not have mixed loved/fear towards me. We walked on the beach, we kissed..we had fun at the park...all the romantic stuff you could think of. That is who I am by the way. I guess due to childhood neglect or abuse or something, I was always like this throughout my teenage life and after: sensitive, romantic, love letters, poems, gifts, flowers, surprises...the whole freaking deal! bad side: it made me weak emotionally and too much dependent on stupid puppy love, and too weak to let go and suffer through a breakup! We are back: Back to our kids and our house. She started feeling scared again and not sure if who she spent the weekend with would continue to exist as loving and romantic or just turn into this man who rarely showed love or caring towards her feelings in the past 4 years. (I told her, if you had fixed your ADHD and worked on improving yourself, you'd have experienced this romance every single day, because that's who I am, but your issues and lack of responsibility and sharing the burden of the family always built this wall that prevented me from expressing my true self and show my feelings..BUT now you cheated so I'm not sure what will happen). My current feelings: well, again feeling used and betrayed. I keep asking myself first of all, I didn't do anything in those 2 nights that we have not done and enjoyed before many many times! why the hell is she feeling that way this time? why the hell is she soooo scared of me! It is in our freaking way of discussing the MAIN issue which is her cheating!! it's all about her being scared and afraid of me, when are we going to discuss the cheating!! We've 2 sessions coming this week, I just want to understand what the hell does she have to offer me now after she cheated so that I would stay with her?! Before it was her unconditional and faithful and strong love towards me, but now that's gone in the light of her cheating for 2 weeks and possibly way more severely and romantically if I've not caught her, so what is it that she can offer me! I love her you say, well screw that, I can love another woman, i just need to grow a pair and move on! Get some friends and girls and just live for myself as it looks like nobody appreciates good deed anymore! -How can I deal with her cheating to get back together! -Could she be faithful again! but she wasn't faithful, wtf! -Should I move on by myself! -If not, how should I play this now?! Loving/romantic vs. cold/sad vs. cheat on her?
turnera Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 Normally, I tell women to run from men who have anger issues. But if, given your background, this is the only time you've erupted in anger at her, it sounds to me like she's milking it so as to avoid having to face what SHE did. I would bring THAT up to the counselor and see what she says. If you've shown a lot of anger in the past, though, I'd think that you at least need to be in individual counseling to work out your past. Moving forward, you need to start doing active listening with each other so you can learn to communicate better. You need to be able to be honest with each other. 1
JS84 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Your counselor sounds like an idiot. And it also sounds like your wife either has mental issues, is manipulating you, or both.
Smilecharmer Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 This post sounds like you are blaming this guy. Yes, you sure did manage to toss in a "she didn't handle it right" but amidst that you more or less just focused on her. What about him? What about his working to feed and shelter not only his child, but a child from her previous relationship? What about the fact this woman could of, at any time, come and sat him down and told him she was feeling unloved and all this. She failed, instead she decided to cheat and then say "I thought you wouldn't care" all the while keeping all her feelings to herself. She said this guy wasn't there for her, that is a valid issue, but you don't compound it by keeping this information to yourself and letting it grow inside you to the point you begin an emotional affair. I am not defending this guy, but you say things like he sounds like "high maintenance" but you didn't factor in the woman who is 24 and already has 2 kids and one of them is by a different guy. A woman who can't support herself or doesn't take steps to take care of herself, and you are labeling this man "high maintenance". That just seems a bit off to me don't you think? He can't be that high maintenance if he sat there for a long time and continued to support this woman and her child, even though the relationship had. Please read the first post again. The man nitpicked everything in the household everyday and ignored her for four years because of it. If some woman got on here and said my husband is flirting online because I nagged him due to him not cutting the lawn or doing car maintenance As I preferred so I ignored him for four years and he went online for attention, I bet you would be saying that isn't the way to handle things on either end. He withdrew emotionally and she found comfort with this tutor which was wrong but still, he ignored her and they fought and did not have sex. I'm with you that they both were wrong, however if he had affair proofed his relationship by communicating and following through on positive reinforcement, communication, and MC, the contact with the Indian tutor may not have happened.
Spectre Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Please read the first post again. The man nitpicked everything in the household everyday and ignored her for four years because of it. If some woman got on here and said my husband is flirting online because I nagged him due to him not cutting the lawn or doing car maintenance As I preferred so I ignored him for four years and he went online for attention, I bet you would be saying that isn't the way to handle things on either end. He withdrew emotionally and she found comfort with this tutor which was wrong but still, he ignored her and they fought and did not have sex. I'm with you that they both were wrong, however if he had affair proofed his relationship by communicating and following through on positive reinforcement, communication, and MC, the contact with the Indian tutor may not have happened. I never said the way the husband acted was the way to handle things. But it doesn't matter, because the wife cheated. I personally do not care what reasons she had. She is unhappy? SPEAK UP ABOUT IT. Don't go have an affair. Be an adult. So here is how it should of gone down: she tells her H the way she is being treated is making her unhappy and that it needs to stop and perhaps they need counseling. The H refuses? Then she leaves him. She doesn't cheat with some scumbag online who is supposed to be tutoring her. I feel zero sympathy for her if she let herself be ignored for years and didn't do a damn thing about it. If there was that big a break down in communication she should of left. So, you are totally right the H messed up, but you are totally wrong if you are suggesting this affair is on his shoulders, it is not. His actions might of made her WANT to stray, but it was her that ultimately did it. Thus, the H needs to leave her. It will be a lesson both can learn. The H needs to learn to treat his future women better, and the wife needs to learn to deal with relationship issues in ways that don't involve other dudes(which actually isn't difficult at all). So in a nutshell: no, he shouldn't forgive her. He should dump her, move on, and keep this entire experience in mind for his next relationship. Hopefully he treats his next woman better and likewise hopefully his next woman is able to handle relationship issues in ways that do not involve cheating. If he allows her to get away with it she will just do it again the next time she is feeling unloved or lonely. Which, let us face it: no marriage is perfect, they will all have problems. She deals with them by cheating. What more is there to say? She can go be with the scumbag tutor. I am sure he is a great guy besides the whole having an affair with a married woman and one that he is supposed to be tutoring. Sounds like a prize. The OP said it all: this woman was off skyping with another dude while he kids and husband were asleep in the next room. Talk about trash. Edited July 9, 2014 by Spectre 1
Smilecharmer Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 I never said the way the husband acted was the way to handle things. But it doesn't matter, because the wife cheated. I personally do not care what reasons she had. She is unhappy? SPEAK UP ABOUT IT. Don't go have an affair. Be an adult. So here is how it should of gone down: she tells her H the way she is being treated is making her unhappy and that it needs to stop and perhaps they need counseling. The H refuses? Then she leaves him. She doesn't cheat with some scumbag online who is supposed to be tutoring her. I feel zero sympathy for her if she let herself be ignored for years and didn't do a damn thing about it. If there was that big a break down in communication she should of left. So, you are totally right the H messed up, but you are totally wrong if you are suggesting this affair is on his shoulders, it is not. His actions might of made her WANT to stray, but it was her that ultimately did it. Thus, the H needs to leave her. It will be a lesson both can learn. The H needs to learn to treat his future women better, and the wife needs to learn to deal with relationship issues in ways that don't involve other dudes(which actually isn't difficult at all). So in a nutshell: no, he shouldn't forgive her. He should dump her, move on, and keep this entire experience in mind for his next relationship. Hopefully he treats his next woman better and likewise hopefully his next woman is able to handle relationship issues in ways that do not involve cheating. If he allows her to get away with it she will just do it again the next time she is feeling unloved or lonely. Which, let us face it: no marriage is perfect, they will all have problems. She deals with them by cheating. What more is there to say? She can go be with the scumbag tutor. I am sure he is a great guy besides the whole having an affair with a married woman and one that he is supposed to be tutoring. Sounds like a prize. The OP said it all: this woman was off skyping with another dude while he kids and husband were asleep in the next room. Talk about trash. I said both were wrong. Cheating is abhorrent to me as someone who believes in fidelity no matter what. Yes, I would also say she should have left and divorced before cheating so we agree. All I am saying is that he is the one who is here asking for advice and there is some cause and effect dynamics that he could have implemented. I'm not blaming him, just pointing out that this was a needless situation had he communicated, got in therapy and tried to work out issues before they literally broke as a couple. He cant control her actions but he can control his so I was addressing him for the future when this happens again because he emotionally withdraws and withholds sex and affection when he becomes overwhelmed by fastidious household expectations. Those actions are the only ones he can control. This could have been thwarted had he acted as we both agreed, by communicating the issues and working through them. I agree that he needs to seek an Attorney.
TigerLilly78 Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Maybe there are some cultural issues, but it is not that uncommon in USA or UK for a woman to have some cybersex activity on the internet. Sounds like her activity is with a guy 10,000 km away...so you do not need to worry about it becoming "physical". I personally would not consider it cheating either...she just likes the kinky nature of finding guys on the internet and sexting with them. So maybe you can see if this is really as big a deal as you seem to think it is. Is the marriage ok otherwise? Are you getting good and passionate sex from her? If yes, then her cybersex with this guy might actually be helping your marriage...giving her some way to orgasm without harassing you all the time for it, and making her hornier for you too. . This part made my mouth just drop..since when is sexting a stranger acctable behavior in a mature adult relationship? surely its emotional cheating at the very least?... 0.o
Livingeachday Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Can you all do yourselves a favor and read the OP's first post very carefully, please. How easy people jump to conclusions here without asking the OP further questions just baffles me. Cybersexting? There is no indication for that. Here is what happened according to his words: "I accidentally found emails exchanged between her and an Indian tutor who lives in India. Emails started innocent then developed quickly to flirtation and caring and emotional feelings between them. Nothing romantic or sexual as the relationship started in the 1st week of June 2014 and I found out 2 weeks later." He added "I'm sure it'd have developed to more serious one." but that's just an assumption on his part and not what has really happend. Question to OP: So if there was nothing romantic or sexual in these email exchanges what exactly was said that you consider flirtation, caring and emotional feelings? Or do you already consider the the mere fact that she was exchanging emails with this guy without your knowledge "cheating"? I do have the feeling that there really may be some underlying cultural issues here which also could explain the behavior of the councelor. There might be a possibility that what the OP sees as “cheating” wouldn’t necessarily be seen as the same by western standards by the average person. Hence a US councelor faced with a couple where the husband verbally and physically abused his spouse extensively due to something western cultures would consider harmless would automatically side with the spouse and try to take care of her physical and emotional wellbeing first and foremost. Edited July 10, 2014 by Livingeachday
turnera Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 There are a lot of things that need addressed in this marriage. For instance, she's not a driven person, she's sloppy and lazy and thus, he looks down on her; and the circle of unappreciation for each other continues and spirals down. Instead of perpetuating this, how about taking some steps to change things? Like telling your wife that you want to initiate Saturday morning cleaning, and the whole family will participate? Everyone knows that Saturday morning is when the house gets cleaned, organized, and even improved. Teaches your daughter and hopefully your wife how to control the clutter. And tell her that you want her to learn to drive; you're going to pay for it but you have a timeline in mind - in other words, if she doesn't learn by October 1, you're going to stop driving her. Be welcoming and understanding, but firm that you feel you're her father and it's not healthy. Also you should be spending 15 hours a week together doing non-chore/kid stuff. Are you? Find ways to make your marriage something she wants to fight for by being a great husband. Once you're both on the same team, she'll want to please you as much as you want to please her, and things will be better.
Livingeachday Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) And after reading OPs posts again (something triggered me while reading it the first time around but I couldn't quite put my finger on it) I got another question: What exactly do you mean by "demean" her? Cos if I put this quote from your first post... I guess due to my childhood abusive life + the fact that I was 'clean' and faithful all my life, I started humiliating her that night and the next when we talked about it. I handled it very badly! I would demean her body and push her with my finger, calling her names...i just blacked out and wanted to destroy her image in my head! I wanted to see her even dirtier than her act! in context with other little bits in your first + other post: She is very scared of me, due to my violent behavior during the 2 nights I found out about her cheating. I didn't beat her up or anything like that, but I did react badly and demeaned her verbally...She is afraid and traumatized and can't talk about the cheating or the 2 nights. Counselor asked us to sleep in different rooms so she can feel safe again. plus this Those 2 nights I acted badly but I didn't do anything that we've not done before, I'm not sure why exactly are you so scared of me and this ... she hopes that she could forget about my behavior in those 2 nights to be able to be with me physically and not have mixed loved/fear towards me.and finally this: I keep asking myself first of all, I didn't do anything in those 2 nights that we have not done and enjoyed before many many times! why the hell is she feeling that way this time? why the hell is she soooo scared of me!” ...I can't help but get the impression that we are not just talking about verbally demeaning somebody here but something that sounds much more severe and hinting towards something that could legally be interpretated as marital sexual abuse. I really really hope this is a misinterpretation on my part...otherwise OP wifes "cheating" is the least of his or her problems! Edited July 10, 2014 by Livingeachday
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