Boyfriend Probs Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 As of today, my boyfriend and I will be dating for exactly three months (yep, we started dating on April Fools). We are juniors in high school. I'm 16, and he's 15. He recently left for another country to visit family (first week) and also to attend a summer academy for about 4 weeks. So he will be gone for a total of 5 weeks. It's now been 11 days since he's been gone. Our Relationship We are a couple that started out being online-based. Meaning, despite sharing 3 classes and being in the same club + sport, we mainly communicated through Facebook chat the first 8 months I knew him (I've now known for him for 11 months) because we were incredibly awkward around each other in person, yet we had a good time online. We chatted everyday after school for hours, often until he fell asleep (he has a tendency to accidentally fall asleep when he's tired) and in the morning we would message each other good morning. Then two months before we began dating we decided it was time we started making more of an effort to stop making practically our whole relationship online, and since then we've come a LONG way. We went from text-chat to vid-chat to hanging out. From everything online to hanging out after school, comfortably studying together, and even dates sometimes. It is no longer awkward. Things like holding hands or hugging (which would have been VERY awkward before) no longer faze us. The first month I knew him (after only about 2 weeks into chatting, and about a month since meeting him) he asked me to homecoming. I said no at the time since I was uncomfortable going with someone I barely knew. We both knew at this point he had feelings for me. I felt like it had potential because he seemed to be an incredibly honest and attractive personality-wise(I admit sometimes people are confused as to why I would date such a "below-average looking" guy but I've come to be so attracted to him as a person he IS attractive to me) guy so I maintained contact with him. Despite never receiving any indication of me returning feelings for him, he continued to chat with me for 5 months until on Valentine's Day I felt I was ready to tell him that I did, in fact, like him. His Personality As far as I can tell, after 11 months of knowing him, he is an incredibly honest guy (little white lies aside) and with a little nudging he will tell me literally anything from his old crushes (I admit, it did hurt a bit) to watching porn (unfortunately, and we did have a long talk about this if anyone is curious), etc. I have never met anyone as honest as he is, and not in the "F- whatever anyone thinks I'll say whatever I think regardless of hurt feelings" way either. I think his kind personality stems partly from his parents, who are very loving kind people as well. He is not afraid of being romantic or cheesy with his words either, unlike many guys. In the beginning I had to initiate everything - first contact (putting my head on his shoulder), hugging, and even kissing (I kissed him once on the cheek before he left for his trip; he didn't kiss me back lol). The only thing he did first was hold my hand first. However, now that we're more comfortable with each other, he had grown to not even being afraid of showing me physical affection in front of his friends. Vacation Even though it's only been 11 days, I miss him so much because this is the longest time we've gone not seeing each other. He has gone away before for a competition (he's very smart and great and public speaking, yet is weak in romantic stuff), but that was only 6 days. But in these past few days it's taken him hours to respond, and when he does, the messages are very short and lack enthusiasm as if it's a chore chatting to me. A Quick Timeline Day 1-4: Chatting less often, as expected as he's with family and there's a time difference of 15 hours. But he still tries to chat as continuously as possible and there's warmth in the way he writes with hearts and flirting and everything. We joke about him failing to kiss me back and other stuff. It's still pretty much normal. Day 5: He says he's feeling sick and he just threw up. I comfort him for a while and tell him to get some rest. I'm afraid I was taking a few minutes in between replies because I was distracted with summer work. I see him message back that he's going to sleep now, and I reply with "feel better <3" and some other stuff, but he logs off without looking at my messages. This would be normal if it was someone else - but he NEVER does this, so it was a bit out of character. I was a bit surprised but I let it go since I thought he probably just wasn't feeling well. Day 6: I log in to see that he's responded with only "okk" to my string of messages I sent him the other day - again, out of character with what he normally does. I ask him if he's feeling better and he types back "Pretty much better" a few hours later. Which is understandable, since whenever he's out of the house he doesn't have any internet connection and can't reply. But when he finally does respond to my message (and I see it right away since my laptop is always open) and I reply back immediately, it's not until ANOTHER few hours until he replies. I understand that he's busy sometimes, but it can't be to the point where he can't stay to talk to me continuously for 5 minutes. Instead, it's only one line of text every few hours, and it's stuff like "ok" and "I know" - it makes me feel like he doesn't miss me at all! And when I checked his game profile, I saw that he spent 3 hours playing LoL and another hour on another game when he could have been talking to me! Day 7-9: Situation still the same. I still haven't brought up his lack of communication because I don't want to nag him as if I'm a mom begging her in-college son to call her. I don't want to seem needy because we all know how that always works against us girls. Day 10: It's Monday morning where he is. I ask him when his summer academy will begin, and he replies with "Today". I respond with "oh I see". Then a few hours later he messages me a bit about his day and for once we finally sort of have a "conversation" going, if you can even call it that. I ask him when exactly will he be coming back, and when he tells me, I respond with "oh okay". He sees the message 8 minutes later and doesn't reply. Day 11 (aka today): He still hasn't said anything. I'm really hurt by all this. I thought he was a really great guy - and maybe he still is. It's possible he's just been really busy. But in my mind, no matter how busy you are, you make time for what's important, right? It's not that hard to set aside 10 minutes to talk. I have a really easygoing sleeping schedule going on, so staying up until 4AM in the morning is not at all uncommon for me. 4AM would translate to 7PM his time, so finding time to chat nowhere near impossible. He's doesn't even have a history of disliking chatting/texting or phone calls like most other guys. We had a "study" date together on the Thursday before we left, and we spent a lot of time just hugging each other instead of doing any work. Then on Friday we went to the amusement park with two other friends and had a good time there as well. He left the next day, Saturday. I just don't understand how he could change so quickly. I don't know what's going on?!?! Am I just overthinking this?
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Yup you are being needy. Look, he is very busy, and him gaming....well he is a 15 year old boy and that is what 15 year old boys do. And I doubt he is up at 7am. I recall always wanting to sleep in when I was 15....sometimes til noon. Staying up til 4, and leaving you laptop open 24 7 is being obsessive. You need to stop waiting, checking, fretting because he isn't there. There is more to life than your BF. Time to push yourself away from the computer, and spend your time with friends, or family, just doing stuff to keep yourself busy. Worrying what he is up to is such a waste of energy and you shouldn't be getting yourself all crazy about it.
Assasda Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I just read a part of that novella, and OP seems like a bonafide psycho
Author Boyfriend Probs Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 Yup you are being needy. Look, he is very busy, and him gaming....well he is a 15 year old boy and that is what 15 year old boys do. And I doubt he is up at 7am. I recall always wanting to sleep in when I was 15....sometimes til noon. Staying up til 4, and leaving you laptop open 24 7 is being obsessive. You need to stop waiting, checking, fretting because he isn't there. There is more to life than your BF. Time to push yourself away from the computer, and spend your time with friends, or family, just doing stuff to keep yourself busy. Worrying what he is up to is such a waste of energy and you shouldn't be getting yourself all crazy about it. It actually would be 7PM, not 7AM, where he is. He has a habit of waking up early; normally he is up by 10AM even though it's summer. I agree my sleeping schedule is totally screwed up, but you'd be surprised how many high school students do this when they have AP classes to study for and no time lol (especially when procrastination kicks in). I've tried getting my sleeping back on track but it's only led to me lying on my bed for literally hours trying to convince my body that it wants to sleep. I need my laptop to work on my summer homework for my AP courses (as well as my online precalc course) and I also use it to play music the whole day. Unfortunately, because of this need of having to use my laptop for school work, it's become very easy for me to just leave Facebook open and constantly be checking. I've been working on this, but it's been hard since it's come to be sort of an easy-access addiction! As for spending time with friends, I do that on the weekends since we're all bogged up with SAT and AP prep courses during the weekdays right now. I agree I DEFINITELY have been needy lately (I've done a good job of hiding it, although maybe TOO good of a job as he obviously has no idea how this is affecting me), but I think I have a reason to be so when he's been so out of character lately . A majority of people reading this thread probably chalk it down to just me being over-obsessive, but I want you guys to understand that this really is a BIG change as he normally loves any opportunity to talk with me.
Author Boyfriend Probs Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 (edited) I just read a part of that novella, and OP seems like a bonafide psycho I'm sorry you think that way. I assure you I really am NOT crazy, it's just that this has just been driving me crazy lately. I am usually a very normal teen and my boyfriend is usually the slightly clingy one. As for the really long post...I have this bad habit of just typing away and away and away and before I know it everything is too detailed but I don't want to make the effort of having to try to condense everything after I've written everything + I've always felt like the more detailed the better. It's like when you go to the doctor and you have a health problem - you should be as descriptive as possible so that the doctor can accurately diagnose you, right? So in a way I felt like the more I typed, the better you guys could get a grasp of the situation and diagnose why he may be acting this way (and I assure you it is NOT from my neediness because he honestly has no clue as my messages haven't been as warm lately either - I still keep them mildly pleasant though, as to not spark any conflict). Unfortunately I am unable to go edit that whole first blurb since loveshack isn't letting me... Edited July 2, 2014 by Boyfriend Probs
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 I didn't read the whole thing either You are young. This is the 1st time you are apart. It's an obstacle. He's off on a new adventure. I bet half the reason his parents sent him was to get him off the computer & his phone & away from all the devices that allow you two to communicate over the distance. It has nothing to do with you but his parents would like him to live in the real world not some virtual one. You could use a refresher on this. He's living life. You need to get out & make the most of your summer too. When he gets back you will have great stories to share & you can tell each other all the cool stuff you both did instead of being glued to a screen. In a time before the internet & FB all you would have gotten was a post card or two while he was gone so relax. 1
Diezel Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 15. Another country. Time difference. Gonna be a long 5 weeks. Go out and enjoy your life. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 2, 2014 Posted July 2, 2014 Don't worry about writing too long, I do the same thing, we are just way more special than everyone else Half the time people write out posts and just glaze over the details, like their age and how long they've been dating, what they actually want advice about and you also write well especially for your age, I appreciate the organization of your post. With that being said, it's a bit obsessive over your BF. At your age this is normal and to be expected, especially as relationships grow and at that age men can be fairly shy and inexperienced, unsure of how to respond or communicate with women who seem to require infinite amounts of attention and validation which they don't understand yet, so they just pull away. And that's the problem, you're smothering him...the guy is off busy somewhere doing something else occupied with others things, in this situation it is best to pull back and just let him do whatever he's got to do over there and he can tell about it when he gets back, he needs to get adjusted and feel out his current environment and experience it...right now you are impeding on that experience by needing a constant flow attention and conversation, confirmation that everything is "ok" and an incessant need/desire for some form of reciprocation that he doesn't feel like providing on his own...for some reason when women panic and protest, claiming to "miss" a guy as reason to start bouncing off the walls and instead of give the guy some space, they just smother him even more with insecure conversation and desperate attempts to pull out whatever they can from the guy...it's very insecure behavior and not attractive to guys, it gets old really fast and starts to feel like a fly that keeps trying to get into your ear. You're young and idealistic about everything going on, he's a guy, he's just living in the moment and going along with the experience...you have this catalog of expectations and fantasies while he's just sitting there living in the moment...because that's what men do, especially young men because they have other interests and things going through their mind other than obsessing over the state of the relationship and emotions, so unless they're insecure themselves they're not usually incessant about a need for attention and security. You need to really pull back and contain yourself, he's young and shy right now at this age because he doesn't know anything about women, years later he's going to be different, much of his experience is being gained now with you and your behavior and what you're teaching him...that's how he's going to know and treat other women, you're essentially training him. Once he's confident in his understanding and recognizes the boundaries and a woman's desire for attention, he'll start carving out his own rules and agenda, he won't be this innocent shy, painfully honest young boy forever, he just needs to figure out the ropes. The reason I'm mentioning that is because you're so young that you're not even half way to finding out your own true identity, you're learning how the world works and how the opposite sex works in relationships and then later people start to set boundaries and make adjustments to their expectations after that...judging him right now is like judging a puppy based on how he's going to be as a grown dog, so don't obsess over it and invest so much energy into figuring him out because he's going to change as he grows up. Also relationship naturally change, a guy is super into you in the beginning because it's new and he enjoys making out with you, and everything is so tense and great..but after a while those feelings start to die down a bit and the focus starts going back on normally daily things, you basically soak so much in the beginning that you can maintain that high and then it just kind of feels like it drifts away but it's really just men reverting back to their normal everyday behavior...he's not going to be all over, talking all night and doing all these things forever..because now that he's actually with you and all these things are now just normal interaction with you, it's not going to be anything new and special anymore, it'll just be sometimes "Oh, hanging out with her again...kind of don't feel like it, I'm going to do something else or ignore her, don't really need her attention or feel like providing it". Where as with women, they expect this gradual climb up this imaginary ladder...expecting the beginning to last forever, to go from friends, to dating, to relationship and so on, but most guys aren't thinking that far ahead at all, they're just going with it...at his age he doesn't even realize what you're doing, he just thinks you're simply living and experiencing the now while you want this to be some big grand thing. He doesn't realize that the claws are slowly moving around him trying to encircle him and your expectations won't become less but even greater. You're way too informed in what he does at what time and where he goes and who with, that's just a recipe for disaster, these guys are going to pull away and shut you out, you cannot be all up in his face like you're his personal GPS tracker...you need to back off, let him do what he needs to do and enjoy the time he has with you, then he might actually have some desire and energy to invest back into you because you're not smothering him all the time...right now, it's just because he's gone, but you might set the tone for him to realize he needs to back off and get some space...this is still only 3 months in, that might be a lifetime at your age but it's really nothing. If you continue going this route, you're going to scare guys off with clinger behavior...despite them spending months chasing you, for men it's about the hunt, not the catch, that's why you always need to be able to maintain your own life and independence so they feel like you don't necessarily need them all the time. 1
Author Boyfriend Probs Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 Don't worry about writing too long, I do the same thing, we are just way more special than everyone else Half the time people write out posts and just glaze over the details, like their age and how long they've been dating, what they actually want advice about and you also write well especially for your age, I appreciate the organization of your post. With that being said, it's a bit obsessive over your BF. At your age this is normal and to be expected, especially as relationships grow and at that age men can be fairly shy and inexperienced, unsure of how to respond or communicate with women who seem to require infinite amounts of attention and validation which they don't understand yet, so they just pull away. And that's the problem, you're smothering him...the guy is off busy somewhere doing something else occupied with others things, in this situation it is best to pull back and just let him do whatever he's got to do over there and he can tell about it when he gets back, he needs to get adjusted and feel out his current environment and experience it...right now you are impeding on that experience by needing a constant flow attention and conversation, confirmation that everything is "ok" and an incessant need/desire for some form of reciprocation that he doesn't feel like providing on his own...for some reason when women panic and protest, claiming to "miss" a guy as reason to start bouncing off the walls and instead of give the guy some space, they just smother him even more with insecure conversation and desperate attempts to pull out whatever they can from the guy...it's very insecure behavior and not attractive to guys, it gets old really fast and starts to feel like a fly that keeps trying to get into your ear. You're young and idealistic about everything going on, he's a guy, he's just living in the moment and going along with the experience...you have this catalog of expectations and fantasies while he's just sitting there living in the moment...because that's what men do, especially young men because they have other interests and things going through their mind other than obsessing over the state of the relationship and emotions, so unless they're insecure themselves they're not usually incessant about a need for attention and security. You need to really pull back and contain yourself, he's young and shy right now at this age because he doesn't know anything about women, years later he's going to be different, much of his experience is being gained now with you and your behavior and what you're teaching him...that's how he's going to know and treat other women, you're essentially training him. Once he's confident in his understanding and recognizes the boundaries and a woman's desire for attention, he'll start carving out his own rules and agenda, he won't be this innocent shy, painfully honest young boy forever, he just needs to figure out the ropes. The reason I'm mentioning that is because you're so young that you're not even half way to finding out your own true identity, you're learning how the world works and how the opposite sex works in relationships and then later people start to set boundaries and make adjustments to their expectations after that...judging him right now is like judging a puppy based on how he's going to be as a grown dog, so don't obsess over it and invest so much energy into figuring him out because he's going to change as he grows up. Also relationship naturally change, a guy is super into you in the beginning because it's new and he enjoys making out with you, and everything is so tense and great..but after a while those feelings start to die down a bit and the focus starts going back on normally daily things, you basically soak so much in the beginning that you can maintain that high and then it just kind of feels like it drifts away but it's really just men reverting back to their normal everyday behavior...he's not going to be all over, talking all night and doing all these things forever..because now that he's actually with you and all these things are now just normal interaction with you, it's not going to be anything new and special anymore, it'll just be sometimes "Oh, hanging out with her again...kind of don't feel like it, I'm going to do something else or ignore her, don't really need her attention or feel like providing it". Where as with women, they expect this gradual climb up this imaginary ladder...expecting the beginning to last forever, to go from friends, to dating, to relationship and so on, but most guys aren't thinking that far ahead at all, they're just going with it...at his age he doesn't even realize what you're doing, he just thinks you're simply living and experiencing the now while you want this to be some big grand thing. He doesn't realize that the claws are slowly moving around him trying to encircle him and your expectations won't become less but even greater. You're way too informed in what he does at what time and where he goes and who with, that's just a recipe for disaster, these guys are going to pull away and shut you out, you cannot be all up in his face like you're his personal GPS tracker...you need to back off, let him do what he needs to do and enjoy the time he has with you, then he might actually have some desire and energy to invest back into you because you're not smothering him all the time...right now, it's just because he's gone, but you might set the tone for him to realize he needs to back off and get some space...this is still only 3 months in, that might be a lifetime at your age but it's really nothing. If you continue going this route, you're going to scare guys off with clinger behavior...despite them spending months chasing you, for men it's about the hunt, not the catch, that's why you always need to be able to maintain your own life and independence so they feel like you don't necessarily need them all the time. Hmm my response post seems like it never sent, so I guess I shall have to retype it again. :/ Thank you Ninjainpajamas for your long and detailed response, and for not making a jab at my age like the others have. I read your response several times, and I think I am finally starting to realize how I've let him take up too much of my life this past year. Almost all of my sophomore year was spent talking to him, spending time with him, and when I was away from him, thinking about him. Maybe him being gone for one month really was a blessing in disguise. It's given me a lot of time to just take a step back from everything and take a good look at myself and our relationship, and I haven't really had the chance to do this because I was always preoccupied with being in the moment of things while dating him. Now, I will work harder at being more of my own independent person, and becoming less reliant on my boyfriend. To the others who have also replied to my post, thank you for taking your time. Your comments were a bit harsh and sharp, but what you guys all said was true. However, I do think you guys should make an effort of being nicer not just to me, but just other people in general. If you follow the Humans of New York (HONY) page on Facebook, or just any inspiring webpage where you can take a glimpse at the lives of others, you'd see that you really never know what another person has gone or is going through, and sometimes something as seemingly innocent as a spiteful comment on the internet can be a kick to someone who has already fallen down. The world is always a nicer place when people are nicer, too. Play nice!
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I have to respond to your last comment. It's called tough love which has been lacking in your coddled generation. You learn more by having some lumps taken. Sugar coating will leave you open and vulnerable. From the pain you gain knowledge that will help you deal with other crisis in your future. The harsh reality what you are going through now is just a spit in the bucket of what is to come in your life. Most of us have lived through what you have plus more for decades. We are here to pass on our knowledge, so let it be firm and hard. You will benefit from it greatly, but you won't know this for prob another 10 years. ***note yes I agree that a poster calling you spycho is uncalled for but I'm sure you will have np ignoring such posts. 1
Glinda.Good Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 I don't think people are really jabbing you about your age, your youth is partly why you are reacting to this the way you are. It's really quite simple. You are going to smother any chances you have if you keep this up or even continue along your line of thinking. You and he might not be together after this separation. Live your life and see where you two are at when he returns. Happy summer! 1
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 BoyfriendProbs -- you are correct & wise beyond your years to point out that the world could use more civility & people need to be nicer to each other. Except for the person who called you a psycho, nobody was mean to you here but we probably were a bit more blunt then you are used to. To the extent I hurt your feelings that wasn't my intention & I'm sorry. I pointed out your age as a factor because it is. At 15 I had a lot of growing up to do too. Everyone thinks they have the world on a string when they are young; the reality is teenagers don't. But things like what you are going through will help you grow & develop as a person. 2
Author Boyfriend Probs Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 Thanks, everyone! I realize your guys' point that as a teenager there are still a lot of things that I have yet to experience and many things that I don't understand. Heck, I am already a lot wiser than I was when I was 14 - and that was only two years ago. Who knows how much more experienced and smarter I will be ten, twenty years down the road from now. I've really taken your guys' responses into consideration and have been backing off of my boyfriend lately and giving him more space. Hopefully when he comes back I'll be a better girlfriend and we'll both be ready to maintain a healthier relationship together. 3
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